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RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/25/2012 12:40:01 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		I thought you were a kid a 20 something.... Hell your 44 years old... grow up already. I do salute your service to your country as it takes a special person to be willing to give their life for their country.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 81
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/25/2012 1:15:15 PM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		Thank you sailing bum.

I was updating my profile (again) while you were viewing my profile. (who's viewing me highlighted) when I finished changing my profile I checked and saw your avatar.

I am growing everyday, and yes I was kid, as I did not understand what I felt or why. That understanding is now dawning. I am changing, when I thought change was impossible. I have been shown, I have taken note. It has not been easy, but it needed to be done.

Going back to my values of when I was a soldier, well it made me take a long hard at myself. At why it had taken so long to seek advice when the advice was there for me to learn.

It wasnt good viewing. I realised I had to change. That is what I am learning to do. It is good for me to know that I wasnt the person I was, when starting this thread. It is good to know that person, due to my ignorance then, can be removed now.

That person is leaving, I will not let him return. That person I always strifed to be has come back. Kicked the crap out of me, and told me to get on with it. get back to basics, learn again. 14,44, or 94. It is my belief you are never to old to learn.

I have gone back to basics, I am learning.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 82
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/25/2012 2:01:17 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blimey69
Going back to my values of when I was a soldier

In general I highly approve of the military model when thinking about any sort of authority structure. It's kind of interesting. On one hand sure, when the CO says "jump" everyone is expected to jump. But there is SO, SO much more to it than that. Even with all the authority that a military officer has over those he commands there is still the need to build a team and instill loyalty and make a "place" that is more or less proper for everyone on the team or else prune them from the team.

Surely in your time in the military there was one or more officers you ran into that you really respected. You might ponder "what would <x> do?" because honestly being a "master" is pretty much the same thing -- or at least it is to me.

quote:

well it made me take a long hard at myself....It wasn't good viewing.

Yeah... I hate that asshat that stares back at me from the mirror also. Strong individuals respond like this:

quote:

I realised I had to change. That is what I am learning to do.


:) Glad this is being helpful to you Blimey.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 83
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/25/2012 3:46:22 PM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		Im sure you have seen the change as well. I hope it is for the better. And it is helpful, very much so. You speak to me in ways that help me understand. You dont correct me as such, just ask me to look again. And I do. Very commendable

The problem with the army was, there was one good officer for every 20. That stood for the non comissioned officers as well (corporals Etc)

I still remember the good ones, the really bad ones equally. Maybe it was the actions of the bad ones that put me off leadership, but the good ones that didnt let that desire disappear. Maybe that is their gift?
If you have the ability to lead, they teach in order that the fruit will eventually come to bear. I dont know, but I do know that the army (forces in general) is about being taught about leadership. Its drummed into you. I think mainly due to the fact you may have to take over should someone higher than you in rank is incapacitated. It would make sense.

I was always getting charged for my questioning the orders I was sometimes given. When I was right I was admonished, though when wrong I got the hairdryer. Never stopped me though. I was a handful, even with more severe tellings off, I never said I believed something I didnt. Would never say what was wrong in my eyes. Mmm yep, not the model soldier ..but good in a sticky situation.

I am getting a stronger sense of what I want now, where I want to be. Looking at all the evidence for switch and sub... Its definitely not sub. Didnt work in the army, or at school if I look back. Especially today with the sense of freedom and power I felt in denying a woman the power she seemed to require over me. Normally I would have carried on just to bed her, then got stuck.

She was so hot, and filth (most squaddies like that in a woman) but she would have wanted far more than I was prepared to give her. I saw the warning signs and heeded them this time.

After discussion with 24/7 sub I dont think being a switch is the right thing for me, but I suppose for the right woman........really not sure though.

With finding out their are so many diversities to being a good Dom, or Master in the subs eyes.. Well I always strive for perfection....To be the best or very skilled at what I set out to achieve. So I see a long road ahead. The army way was always pratice, practice practice, until it became second nature. It is a useful tool, and one I still use today. Exactly how would you practice to be a Master though? Im sure practice subs/slaves dont exist. Do they?

Like you advised I will find someone local that may be able to help in this long road I have decided upon. Your guidance and advice has been priceless.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 84
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/25/2012 5:12:14 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Wow....you questioned military orders? UUuumm...when I was a military wife and if my husband had done that, he was spending time either cutting and peeling vegetables or scraping barnacles. If more often, weekend duty on base, away from your family and eventually kicked out. Sounds like you got off light.

Ok, back to topic. Was just kinda surprised by that.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 85
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/25/2012 6:10:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Blimey, there's a difference between not ever wanting to inflict pain on another and it doesn't turn you on but you're willing to do it to a degree if your partner needs it to orgasm. You get to decide where the line is for you.

If The Man needed me to occasionally inflict pain on him, it would be a major problem for me. I'm not capable of it and I would hate him for demanding it and hate myself for doing it. The important thing is that I knew this about myself before we got into a committed relationship and I avoided having such a problem by making sure he didn't need it.

Dominants are allowed limits too. You're allowed to say you're never going to choke her till she passes out because you think the risk of her dying is too great. Even if she says her ex did it and she didn't die but she really enjoyed it. If this is your limit, then that's fine. Now it may be that she'll decide she needs someone who will do this and that's fine too. It tells you that you just aren't that compatible.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 86
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/25/2012 8:55:00 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blimey69
You speak to me in ways that help me understand. You dont correct me as such, just ask me to look again.

It's ever so easy for all of us to slip into "preachy mode" as if we were somehow given god-like knowledge of absolute truth. I try, not always successfully, to remember that what I "know" is only true for me in my situation. So I try to write my posts from a first person point of view, "Well, I would've seen that situation differently..."

quote:

The problem with the army was, there was one good officer for every 20.

Sure... but you only need one good role model to think about in your head. There had to be one, somewhere, that really struck you. Try to remember why and how that guy inspired you. That's my goal with anyone who is following me... employee, sub, whatever... to inspire them. You want to inspire them to be loyal to you and to trust you. And the easiest way, BY FAR, is simply to be loyal to them yourself and trustworthy. You inspire people to follow you by being a worthy person to follow.

quote:

Maybe that is their gift?

I believe in "leadership gifts" about as much as I believe in "born a dominant"... which is to say not at all. In actually it was some base instinct on their part honed by practice and mentors over time.

quote:

I am getting a stronger sense of what I want now, where I want to be. Looking at all the evidence for switch and sub... Its definitely not sub.

No, it's not "sub". My advice would be to stop worrying about labels. Assume that you want to learn how to be a good leader... which some would call dominant... and then when you find a girl let the relationship go where it does. My goal with Carol is not to have an M/s relationship. It's to have a happy one. M/s just happens to be the flavor-du-jour for us. We ran into the idea and it worked. In the future it may stop working. At that point I will guide us (undoubtedly with a lot of help and input from Carol) to some other path of happiness. I like to keep my eye on the ball and for me "the ball" is "being happy".

quote:

After discussion with 24/7 sub I dont think being a switch is the right thing for me, but I suppose for the right woman........really not sure though.

I've said many times on these forums that if Carol got a sudden need to boss me around I'd be on my knees in a heart beat. Why not? That wouldn't in any way change her determination and drive to make damned sure I'm happy. That's why I think you're overthinking this. Reality will present you with some real situation. For now I'd just assume "dom" if I were you. But you need to work on some things before you can pull it off successfully.

quote:

Exactly how would you practice to be a Master though?

How would I do it? For the 9 millionth time I need to insert the disclaimer that this is strictly how I go about things and my personal view that dominance and leadership are very tightly related. But that's just my take on it. I have talked to slaves who saw all of my wishy-washy leadership crap as weakness. I've talked to masters that said flat out they weren't going to inspire anyone. They wanted their bitch to behave or get out. So there's a lot of takes on this stuff out there in the wild.

Step 1: Practice mastering myself.
How much self-discipline do I have? How much poise? How much grace under fire? How courageous am I? Am I the guy that steps up when everyone else steps back or not? Do I lead by example in my every day life? Do I, in fact, control the world around me or not?

Step 2: Practice bossing around other people.
Real leadership doesn't require agreements or sex or BDSM. As I've noted, life tends to offer up ZILLIONS of opportunities where someone needs a leader and they are just waiting for someone to step up. Just look for some group that's all confused that you think is worthwhile and step in to help... gently and with respect for the feelings of those involved. When they accept your help, go ahead and just heap responsibility on your shoulders without making a big point about it. But assume that whatever the problem is, it is YOUR problem to solve (with the help of others) and go solve it. At no point in any of that do you need to ask to "be in charge". You just need to assume so much responsibility that de-facto you ARE in charge. From their standpoint, all you're doing is helping (A LOT) to sort out a mess so it isn't perceived as some sort of threat to existing authority structures.

While I was at it I'd head on down to the local library or bookstore and find the thinnest book on leadership I could find and read it. I say "thinnest" on purpose. Most of the really, really good ones I've ever read were very short.

Step 3: Go meet subs in your local community and learn from them.
Astonishing thought right? For some reason few seem to ever think of getting advice on dominance from subs. But they ARE the target audience. Who'd know better (at least from the receiving viewpoint). Go chat with them. Make it perfectly clear that you are there to learn. Not to hook up. Not to play. Not to fuck them. Some of them probably won't even believe that since the scene can get pretty predatory.

quote:

Your guidance and advice has been priceless.

Yeah... I used up my annual allotment of wisdom on this one. For the rest of the year I'm only saying stupid things. I'm all smarted out now. More seriously, thank you.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 87
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 1:50:38 AM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		I did do a lot of RoP's (restrictions of privilige) Battalion Gaol (lots of brash polishing). Oh and left via the MCCT on an SNLR. Ooops.



(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 88
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 1:53:33 AM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for that

Sound advice indeed.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 89
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 2:29:36 AM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		You can say stupid things?

I know I have a long way to go. I have already been given advice from practicing subs online. Their input in terms of what they need to give versus what I would like offer and receive back has helped a lot. What better way to find out what is desired than to ask the person that desires it?.

I am going to go into the local scene now with a knowledge and an idea of what  I want. That is thanks to discussions here. As I feel I would have been treated (and rightly so) as I was at the start of this thread. That wouldnt have helped at all.

I am not trying to deal in labels but levels. More like Rank really helps me get the gist of expectation and demand. 

Aslo funnily I was not meaning you when I said, Exactly how would you practice to be a Master though? I meant me..lol But you still did answer the question, thanks.

This has been  a bit like first learning to play the drums. It can all sound the same to someone who doesnt know, but every drummer I have ever known always plays their drums differently from the other. A variation that fascinates me, as most drummers insist that ther methods or the methods they employ are better than other peoples methods, which should be ignored.

Its daft, whatever works best for you was the method I always employed. Very few drummers saw that as an advantage. 

I do have a hunger for knowledge, to do things exactly , and correctly. I respect the opinions and the others have given. The insight has been very helpful.


(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 90
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 8:45:51 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blimey69
You can say stupid things?

LOLOL. If they had that on the kink list I'd put "expert" on it.

quote:

I am not trying to deal in labels but levels. More like Rank really helps me get the gist of expectation and demand. 

This may not have been what you're thinking but a word of caution on "levels". The only "levels" which exist are between the participants in an actual relationship. It is tempting to think that there is some sort of BDSM hierarchy that is generally (and incorrectly) perceived to go something like... bottom->sub->slave->property. In reality those categories are both undefined and arbitrary. You can't even reasonably say that looking solely at the authority dynamic part that any of those categories are in any way "more" or "less" than any other. So the only "ranks" you need to worry about right now are you vs. "the world" and you vs. "some sub you hook up with sometime".

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 91
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 11:21:42 AM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		I did mean the relationship between the realtionshipees (is that even a word?) Not echelon.

Bloody hell, does that mean I have understood something..lol

Rejigged profile again, have done it in the vein of what I want from someone. Is that ok in the scheme of things?. Would you take a look and see? Its still a work in progress at the moment. I have changed it four times already today.

Thanks

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 92
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 1:31:47 PM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		Hello there Blimey. I just read your profile and well, I guess you could say it is a starting point. From what I could understand of it, you are not sure exactly what you want but you do expect your pleasures to be met, therefore hers will be as well. Out of all that is the only thing I could get other than the whole stockings/nylons kink you like.

How about you start your profile with a short paragraph or two about you. In the first one a little about you, the man. Don't need personal details, just your average day likes, wants, dreams, hopes. You know the kinda stuff that gets a girls attention. A little humor in there will make you look a little more approachable and less intimidating. The second one should be a little about the type of relationship ie long term, casual dating, fuck buddy and what you have to offer her in that department. As an example.. I am looking for a long term relationship, I enjoy Head of House type dynamic. I like my partner to look after my everyday needs, hot meals, laundry, household services done. Just for kicks though I like to toss things up and add in a little play with some spankings if my laundry just isn't folded right ;) ....

You are trying to attract a female first and foremost, she wants to know what she will get out of the relationship. We are not robots, programmed to supply you with your every whim...

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 93
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 2:21:56 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: blimey69
Rejigged profile again, have done it in the vein of what I want from someone. Is that ok in the scheme of things?. Would you take a look and see? Its still a work in progress at the moment. I have changed it four times already today.

I did take a look at it. It looked credible to me... as in you sound like a real human being as opposed to some random guy hoping to score an easy lay on the internet. I totally agree with SinFix's comments and frankly, at this point, feedback from the female subs is going to be more valuable than from me. I'll summarize my few thoughts here.

a) You didn't talk about YOU... as a human.
b) You really didn't elaborate on what you're prepared to offer? Are you hoping for a long-term relationship? Do you intend for it to be "loving" or "extreme" or anything else? You sort of need to paint some picture of the relationship you're hoping to setup.
c) You might mention that you're new at this and you look forward to exploring together.

Honestly though my thoughts (as I said above) aren't that good here. BDSM subs want different things than Carol and I've never dated one.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 94
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 2:59:24 PM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		I dont like robots... Too sterile, unemotional and thanks for the advice. I do want LTR but with the right person. Still finding my feet.

I thought I had implied anything could be gained or asked for. Just wanted to know the woman I wanted, wanted to please me. Will lookat it again tomorrow

Thanks

(in reply to SinFix)
Profile   Post #: 95
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 3:09:08 PM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		Abit more cut  the useless drivel and a bit more what I want to give then?

Thats cool, to be honest I would give anything to get what I really want. I suppose the knack is to say that in a way appealing to someone prepared to 'want' to give it to me for them to get what they want back.

Didnt realise wanting to be loving was acceptable from a dom point of view. Loving in terms of giving what the sub wants, but not telling her she is loved was the sort of impression I got. At least it isnt back to the drawing board.. :-)

Theres more than hope at least. I mean from my point of view. Its not about the sex anymore. If you knew me from days gone by you would have called me an outright liar. But it isnt, and it feels really good. Weird (for me )  

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 96
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/26/2012 4:28:57 PM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		Hi

Changed it again....

Put a bit more of the sensitive needing to please, but not be controlled me in. Tried to make it less me wanting for me. I think SinFix gave some valid points.

Hope i havent made it too 'war and peace' (read that once......Once!) :-)

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 97
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/27/2012 6:03:37 AM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		Hello again, that re-write is a lot better. I get a bigger glimpse of you the man in this one.

You do ramble on a little about this life but that's ok, you're learning and growing. As you gain confidence I'm sure it will be rewritten yet again. A good thing for you to do as you learn about this, sit down and write down what you envision your relationship will look like. I mean, write down the type of things you would expect her to do, you mention in your new profile that you want a friend and lover that services you type thing. That is great but how do you want to be served? as in my earlier example... I listed things that you would like her to eventually do for you, with a hint that punishments will be involved. Are you interested in "play" in other words, check out a BDSM checklist and fill it out for yourself... anal, impact play, spanking, clamps, nipple play...ect then think how you want to incorporate what you like, want, or are interested in and write it down...

In other words, make a private journal and keep track of your thoughts.

Think on what being a dominant means to you, what things do you like and don't like. Writing it down will help you focus on the things and help them make better sense to you.

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 98
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/27/2012 5:08:00 PM   
blimey69


Posts: 53
Joined: 12/29/2008
Status: offline 		Thanks for that SinFix

I have just updated it again. I imagine that the the text and rambling will eventually become more condensed as time goes on, and tendonitus kicks in :-)

As I havent experienced much in terms of actually doing a lot of the activities, and only really seeing most of that on dodgy websites. I dont want to put down something I might like if I havent tried it. I have tried a few things but obviosly had no clue what I was doing or why any partner was enjoying them. I never knew or was told how far I could go.....so I didnt go very far.

I do value your advice and perspective, if you wouldnt mind the risk of eye strain, would you take another look?

Thanks

(in reply to SinFix)
Profile   Post #: 99
RE: Am I switch or Dom? - 11/28/2012 4:52:29 AM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		Now that is a lot better insight into who you are as a person, just enough intrigue and openness that will hopefully draw some one in for a deeper conversation.

The journal isn't about what you have or have not done, it is about your thoughts on what you are learning. Writing down what you know, think you want, do want and like helps focus you on growing as you go back and read. Also getting involved in your local community will help, you can see interactions personally and get an idea of things, also gives you a way to see demonstrations and teachings on things that might interest you...

(in reply to blimey69)
Profile   Post #: 100
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