RE: Just curious (Full Version)

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Kerjin -> RE: Just curious (11/28/2012 6:33:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

She can't get to know your wife as the woman is moving 3000 miles away. A third, or unicorn, or however you express it needs to date both people together. You don't have that as an option.

We appreciate that you want to move forward including finding a new relationship, but damn few women are interested in couples to begin with, and that's strong relationships. One like this has all kinds of red flags to it from our pov.


She can no more get to know me if she resides in New York and is 4000 miles away by your definition, than she can nadira. Unless I am missing something here? Please tell me if this is wrong, from a broad sense of view:

girl (Unicorn or whatever label you want to use) reads profile and finds said profile to be interesting at some level and writes to the person in that profile with an email here. Owner of profile reads said letter and responds back and a "conversation" of sorts ensues via email. At some point in time, if the feelings are mutual, the conversation proceeds to Skype or some other form of online verbal and visual medium wherein each can see the other and communicate with each other. Again, the conversations ensue, spread out over time as each gets to know the other better. If the dynamic is growing, if the "relationship" is growing stronger they then make arrangements to meet somewhere, somehow, preferably in a public local for safety's sake. If the "first date" doesn't fall flat on it's face and both wish to proceed, they then continue to converse via Skype, email, phone and occasional meetings. Some may stop at the point and remain in a LDR as neither is willing to relocate. Some may progress forward and one of them may relocate to be with the others. I would assume, and pardon me for assuming, that the girl would relocate to the males location to be with him because, as I see it, he should be in a stable position in his life, with a good job so that he is able to provide for and take care of his girl. End of story, role credits on a wonderful life to come.

So my question is this: How can a girl get to know me if we are separated by 3000 miles if you say she can not get to know nadira if she is also 3000 miles away?



OsideGirl -> RE: Just curious (11/28/2012 6:38:39 PM)

Until you meet face to face....that person is really a stranger. People can be anything or anyone they want when they're not sitting across from you.


In answer to your question, I would assume that the new girl would visit before committing. She would not be visiting your wife.



SeekingLTR40 -> RE: Just curious (11/28/2012 7:07:30 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
and then she comes back and guess what? Neither get along with each other or Nadira finds herself and decides she really is monogamous after all.

I think you have sooooo many problems here it's just too fucked up to even try to explain to you since it seems others have tried and it's still not sinking into you.

Good luck!


*Thinks the direction this Thread has taken is better suited for the Polyamorous Lifestyles Forum*

What can I say? I'm fascinated with inevitable train wrecks.


Look Kerjin, you may not be "wet behind the ears" as you put it, and have been in the "lifestyle" for twenty plus years; but for the past ten years, it was you and your wife. Now you're wanting to graduate from a D/s relationship to an M/s relationship ~ and I'm not entirely clear as to what has made you want to take that leap.

Look; I don't know you. You may be the most sincere, honest, real man on this site for all I know..... but this entire thread is filled with red flags for slaves seeking a Master; much less submissives seeking a Dominant. A slave has to trust COMPLETELY ~ and there's just too much doubt in your overall situation. Before you can take on a slave, you have to regain control of your situation - which means you and your wife finalizing a decision as to move forward together, or to divorce and go your seperate ways. Until you close up that ambiguous situation, no matter how many conversations a potential slave might have with you estranged wife ~ it's not going to happen ~ it's not going to aleviate all the questions, concerns, and doubts.

If it does happen, it's going to fall apart. A slave is not going to handle it very well - having your undivided attention, and then losing half of it should your wife return. Even if she feels she can handle it - now; she won't handle it well when the day arrives. Jealousies will develop, and you cannot CONTROL a person's emotions and feelings.

I'd sincerely put off seeking a slave until you are once again in control of your future and your direction. You have placed that control in your wife's hands. Seriously, stick to D/s for the time being.

That's just my honest advice.



theRose4U -> RE: Just curious (11/28/2012 10:17:47 PM)

Seeking, there is nothing poly about douche baggery



JeffBC -> RE: Just curious (11/28/2012 10:41:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingLTR40
you cannot CONTROL a person's emotions and feelings.

Great post overall but I will never understand why people say this. How could you possibly say you have "mastered" someone without this? How could you possibly use the word "total"

I do this regularly with Carol. Why is it impossible?



littlewonder -> RE: Just curious (11/28/2012 11:40:00 PM)

Dunno....Master controls him pretty much always. He expects me to do the same but that's never been much of an issue with me. I grew up controlling my emotions from as young as I can remember. Military men do it every single day of their lives. If it's impossible, most of them would be without a job or dead.

I've never understood that either about not being able to control them. So does that mean when they are at work and they are having a really angry, bad day, they just go around pissing everyone else off and telling the boss to fuck off? Yeah, I'm sure...no I know there are some of those types...one in particular. He did that and then was surprised when he got fired lol.






JeffBC -> RE: Just curious (11/28/2012 11:52:57 PM)

And beyond simply "putting a lid on it", I just can't believe Carol and I are the only two people in the world who sometimes say, "this isn't a healthy mental state" then change it. I thought that was a normal part of the human experience. Granted, my control of her mind is a lot less solid than my control of her body but I'd guess at least 75% success rate on those commands.

The only way I could see myself not caring deeply about this sort of control is if she meant nothing to me.



OsideGirl -> RE: Just curious (11/29/2012 8:54:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC


quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingLTR40
you cannot CONTROL a person's emotions and feelings.

Great post overall but I will never understand why people say this. How could you possibly say you have "mastered" someone without this? How could you possibly use the word "total"

I do this regularly with Carol. Why is it impossible?


Actually, I agree with him. I think "control" was the wrong word.

You cannot tell someone not to feel something or experience an emotion. The only person that has that control is the person experiencing those things. The second part is that regardless of how much control you have over your emotion or feelings, it doesn't stop them from happening. It only changes how you react to them.

I can tell you that the first time in poly, regardless of how logical I am or how much I wanted to have another woman in our relationship, we hit some emotional landmines that we hadn't thought existed.



DesFIP -> RE: Just curious (12/1/2012 11:15:48 AM)

Yeah, but Jeff, I'm betting that didn't happen during the first month or two after meeting. And that's going to be the timeline for the op.



OsideGirl -> RE: Just curious (12/1/2012 11:51:11 AM)

I agree Des. It isn't something that happens overnight.

You've got one sub who is new to the relationship that is unsure of what her position will be.

You've got one sub that has an established dynamic with the D, but has been away from that relationship, that will come face to face with a separate dynamic that developed without her present.

Regardless of the assurances from either one, they truly have no idea how they will react emotionally when confronted with the reality of what they are involved in.

He's thinking that just because both will agree to embrace the situation that emotionally they will actually be able to.




TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Just curious (12/2/2012 12:31:44 AM)

The experience the slave friend had is accurate but (& I call it the initial feeding frenzy of fresh blood in a shark pool) once it dies down and you are not the "new flavor", it is normal mail levels. Maybe it is the area I live in but I have had great success here. My first Dom I met here and I have had face to face "dates" with another handful that either turned out no in person chemistry or something else, upon further getting to know each other, led to me or him saying "no, I don't think this will work". I actually have 3 more "interviews" this week (I.e. meet for coffee and see if anything is there). I am really picky about who I will submit to so, I can't say that any of these guys had any serious issues...I am seeking my "Mr. right" & I am not into "playing"



JeffBC -> RE: Just curious (12/2/2012 5:22:41 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
He's thinking that just because both will agree to embrace the situation that emotionally they will actually be able to.

I agree with both of you... not overnight and it doesn't happen "by agreement". I just dislike how a huge spectrum of control is routinely utterly ruled out on these boards. "You can tell her what to do but not what to think or feel". Baloney. Sure you can. And then it's going to come down to how sensible the master is, how much the sub trusts the master, and how determined she is....just like any other command. Oh, and for any brand new slaves thinking how cool that sounds... if you picked an asshat for a master and you do allow him control inside your brain then you're utterly fucked so... you know... choose wisely.

I agree though that what the OP is proposing could never generate the levels of trust required to even start that sort of thing. There's just too much uncertainty in the picture. It's basically a permanent temporary situation.



SeekingLTR40 -> RE: Just curious (12/2/2012 6:28:40 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
"You can tell her what to do but not what to think or feel". Baloney. Sure you can. And then it's going to come down to how sensible the master is, how much the sub trusts the master, and how determined she is....just like any other command.


All you're doing is getting them to suppress their thoughts and feelings. You think you're controlling them, but you're not. You're simply getting them to bury them.

It's your fantasy universe, so what the hell. Believe whatever you like.....



JeffBC -> RE: Just curious (12/2/2012 8:00:48 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingLTR40
It's your fantasy universe, so what the hell. Believe whatever you like.....

rotlfmao... thanks for that Seeking. It's been at least three months since someone accused me of that.

Yes, I agree. It is utterly impossible that someone might respect someone else enough that the other person's opinions might carry a lot of weight. Nobody I've ever heard of has respected someone else so much that something that person said changed their worldview which would, of course, tend to change how they felt about a topic. Yup.. it's utterly insane.

Try not to remind me of that too much though because I kind of like my little fantasy even if it is simply abusive to the woman i love.



KnightofMists -> RE: Just curious (1/28/2013 3:42:09 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

ORIGINAL: Kerjin

Has anyone met a person online (Here or elsewhere) that turned out to be a real person and then was able to bring that person into their




I meet my girl Kyra in an Alt chat room 8 years ago. And I am developing another relationship with another that I first cross paths here on CM about a year ago. I pretty sure both are real since Kyra has been living with me for just about five years. The other girl I met a couple of times so she does appear to be real. But. She might be an delusion on my part I will know better when she is kneeling at my feet and giving me a blow job. ;)




Just for the record.... she turned out to be Real ;) I was so weak in the knees!!!!



HarryVanWinkle -> RE: Just curious (1/28/2013 9:02:06 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
Suffice it to say that many men think that claiming they are Doms will result in women falling into their laps for sex, kinky or otherwise.


Suffice it also to say that many women AND men think that claiming they were women will have men throwing money at them.

@ The OP I have also met with several women whom I first contacted on this site. However, all of them were local to me when I lived in Arizona, since I don't really look for potential partners long distance. Several of them became play partners of mine, none became exclusive mates. Some are still friends.



HarryVanWinkle -> RE: Just curious (1/28/2013 9:32:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kerjin

It was her suggestion that I look to bringing another into the house while she is gone and she has committed to accepting that girl, should she return.



The problem I see with this is, she can commit all you like to "accepting that girl, should she return." What she cannot commit to, what nobody can commit to when speaking of a hypothetical person, is LIKING that girl, or even being able to stand being in the same room with her. I'm not talking about jealousy here. I'm talking about pheremones, chemistry, human interactions. Just as we all sometimes meet people and immediately like them, sometimes we meet people and immediately dislike them.

The dynamics of couplehood are extremely complex as I'm sure you know from experience. They're child's play, however, when compared to the dynamics of triadism. Making a poly dynamic work is damned difficult, even when all the people involved know and like one another. And going from a couple dynamic to a triad completely changes the dynamic.

What you're proposing for this hypothetical girl is to start forming a couple dynamic with you with the distinct possibility of it changing to a triad dynamic at almost anytime, with the third person in THAT dynamic already having a longstanding couple dynamic with you, but being a complete stranger to her.

If your wife comes back and she and the new girl do NOT get along, who's out on the street?



littlewonder -> RE: Just curious (1/28/2013 10:46:47 PM)

the only women I know who would bother with such a situation is one who thinks "oh they are separated. I'll make sure she never comes back because he'll fall madly in love with me and divorce her".

And it happens A LOT! The third wheel, the accessory who becomes the prime while the original prime gets left sitting at the wayside, scratching her head and saying "WTF just happened?"



lilmisspetme -> RE: Just curious (2/12/2013 2:19:31 PM)

yes it happens and its worked for me



Arturas -> RE: Just curious (2/12/2013 3:41:37 PM)

quote:

What I am curious about is this:

Has anyone met a person online (Here or elsewhere) that turned out to be a real person and then was able to bring that person into their off line life for a 24/7 relationship?


Yes. I met tammystarm here. We are 24/7.



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