Proprietrix
Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
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It takes a bit of self-reflection to find some of the answers. Of course I can only speak for myself.
My geographical area simply sucks. I’m on the Ohio/WV border. The pickins here are a bit slim. I left the local munch group in the area about 3 years ago due to the politics and cliques. I’m looking at a 2-3 hour drive just to go to a munch with a different crowd of people. The nearest one doesn’t have any sort of play parties. I think the nearest dungeon is about a 4 – 6 hour drive. I just can’t convince myself that it’s worth that much driving and that much expense every 2 weeks to get to know a group of people that might or might not include a potential partner for me.
If I look at the available pool of submissives near me, there’s always something that doesn’t mesh. This may be because I am too picky. I really don’t know.
It seems like most of the submissive males in my area are dead set on cross-dressing, and that’s just something I can’t get into. Academically guessing, I have a theory that the high propensity for cross-dressing males in this area is because I live in a region where sexism is taught from birth. When someone starts noticing their ‘deviant inclinations’, breaking the gender molds is probably the easiest and most natural route in doing so. But I digress…
It also seems that the majority of submissives in my area are college age guys. I don’t particularly have a problem with this age group, but when it’s the only option available, it becomes mundane. I’m a 32 year old woman with a teenage son and a lot of life experience. I don’t want to feel like all my BDSM encounters are with boys only a few years older than my son. I’d like to find some subs who can share in conversations about parenting, and the work-force, and aging, and a plethora of other things. I grow tired of hearing about how they have to hide their lifestyle from their Mommy and Daddy (who half the time they are still living with), and the constant reflecting back on how things were in high school… 2 years ago. High school is long gone for me and it’s difficult to relate. I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation about a sub’s ex-wife. None of them have ever been married. None of them have kids. Half of them are still virgins. They don’t possess basic life skills like managing finances, home maintenance, and coordinating/planning. It’s difficult to delegate duties to people who have no experience in the world.
Along with lacking life experience, they also tend to lack experience in the lifestyle. Most of them are still very wrapped up in the media portrayed Dominatrix/slave dynamic. When they realize I’m not rich, I’m not tall, I’m not thin, I don’t dress up daily in a latex cat suit, their interest declines. They still believe that they will be naked (or sissified) and shackled, dusting vases while wearing a butt plug all day, and then flogged every night. I’m so sick of dispelling the myth, that when I meet a new person with preconceived notions, I write them off rather quickly.
Quite frankly, I come to learn that every time I "dispel the myth", I’m also being rejected. And rejection never feels good to anyone. It becomes damaging to one’s self-esteem after a while to constantly have to repeat "I’m short. I’m fat. I’m not wealthy. I get sick. I have problems. I make mistakes." and on and on. It would really be nice to find a group of people who understand the human dynamic so I could occasionally stroke my ego instead of constantly pointing out my "flaws".
Once I eliminate the cross-dressers, and the college kids, and the myth-holding fetishists, all I’m really left with around here is a few scattered married guys who are getting their kink on via cheating on their wives. Another line I won’t cross.
Having eliminated the local pool, I turn to online. I really suck at this whole online dating/matchmaking thing. I don’t "get it". I’m not used to writing my conversations. I’m used to talking to people face-to-face, watching their reactions, hearing their tone of voice, reading their body language. I’m absolutely inept at trying to chat someone up in an email. It seems to take 6 weeks to accomplish the same amount of conversation I could have in a day with someone in person. I can’t ask the cutie in New York to join me for a cup of coffee on his lunch hour. I run out of things to say online, when in person I can seem to ramble on for hours.
Then I have this whole asexuality thing that really drives down the twitterpated population immensely. I know there are other Dominant women out there who don’t want sexual service. I wonder how well they are doing in their searches. Because for the life of me, I cannot find a submissive who isn’t in some way, shape or form, talking about strap-ons, face-sitting, queening, chastity belts, orgasm control, cuckolding, oral servicing, rimming, CBT, milking, anal training, anal plugs, pussy worship, enemas, rape fantasies, fisting, etc. etc. etc. I get to the point where I just roll my eyes and quit listening. And on bad days, I become flippant and sarcastic.
All of this is a look at the sub pool.
To be honest with myself I need to look at me too.
And here’s what I find as my own "faults" in the search.
I’m not proactive. I typically don’t message submissives. For a few reasons. Like I already said, I kind of suck at this whole written conversation thing. I’m not sure exactly what steps I’m supposed to be taking. I try small talk "So, what do you do for a living?" and I’m met with "I can’t talk about it. I need discretion." or "So, how old are your kids?" and I’m met with "I won’t give out personal information for the safety of my family." I feel like I’m trying to chat up an FBI informant in the witness protection program.
Even when I find someone compatible, they’re usually in the same boat I’m in. They’re content for the time being (and the next 5 years or so) where they’re at. They aren’t willing to quit their job, uproot their kids, and move to podunk nowhere West Virginia to start a relationship based on some online chit-chat. Neither of us can afford to start buying monthly round trip plane tickets for the sake of getting to know each other on a deeper level. I kind of get to the point where I give up on it. In my head, I’m thinking "It’s been interesting chit-chatting with you, but since you’re 3000 miles away and we’re not meeting anytime in the next 5 – 10 years, why should we pretend this "relationship" is going to go anywhere?"
A few other reasons I don’t message subs…. I don’t want to risk finding yet another wanker or married guy. I don’t really have the time or inclination to sit and weed through profiles when I could spend that time on the forums instead. Their interests aren’t compatible in the first place.
Another "fault" of my own is that I haven’t done what I need to do, in order to get what I’m looking for. Ultimately, I’d like a Dominant male partner. I kind of assume Dominant men want submissive women, so I don’t even pursue them. I don’t really even make myself available to them. Ultimately, I’d like a poly household. However, I live in a small apartment and for now, my kids are my priority when it comes to food, shelter, bedrooms, clothing expenses, etc. Since I can’t really accommodate a poly household on my income alone, I don’t actively seek out poly people. Ultimately, I’d like someone who understands the unique dynamics I want. However, I don’t take the time to spell it out on my profile. My profile is a bulleted list that weeds out what I’m not looking for. It’s set up that way because it helps immensely in cutting down on high volumes of senseless mail. "Edit collarme profile to more accurately portray what you are seeking while still maintaining a direct element to eliminate what you’re not seeking" is on my list of things to do. I consistently put off doing it. It seems like a headache with very little payoff.
As long as I continue to do what I’m doing, I’ll continue to get what I’m getting.
However, for one reason or another, doing things differently either isn’t possible, probable, or practical for now.
For the most part, I put a little profile up here and there, attend one or two munches a year, and let people know I’m available. And then I’m content to go about living my life. I’m not feeling any deep longing for a significant other. I’m not pining away with loneliness. I don’t cry in my pillow at night because I feel unwanted. I have an on-again-off-again boy who would probably accommodate me if I seriously needed to beat someone’s butt. I have a busy household with all the kids coming and going. I have hobbies. I have friends. Life isn’t perfect and it isn’t what I ultimately hope it to be. But it’s ok for now. When the kids move out, or when I meet someone I’m all mushy over, or when I move, or change careers, or lose a family member, or go through some sort of life change, or become bored or lonely, I might more actively pursue people.
But for now, I’m for-the-most-part content, and really have priorities other than finding mates. If one walks into my life, or for some reason there’s an immediate attraction and click, then I would assume it’s meant to be, and would move forward with it. In the meantime, I dismiss what I don’t want and leave the door open for what I do want. And that’s about the extent of my "looking".
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IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).
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Why Haven't You been Sucessful? - 
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