Proprietrix
Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline
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littlesarbonn, where would not being compatible fit in? I’m thinking under #2 (standards). I noticed a lot of women (myself included) eliminating partners (no married men, certain age group, etc…) based on compatibility. I think under #2. What do you think? I suppose I could say "I have a standard that any submissive of mine won’t cross-dress." but it sounds more natural to say "I’m not compatible with cross-dressers."
anthrosub, you mention putting D/s on the back burner and getting to know each other as people. I think this is one of the key elements in the difficulties people here have. We all stress the importance of being compatible with each other on a personal level, yet many of us feel compelled to focus on particular BDSM aspects.
It makes sense though. If you walk into an arena of "deviant" people, there is going to be a higher chance of encountering people who participate in activities that we feel are "wrong", or "gross", or "immoral". For the most part, we don’t need to walk into the local nightclub saying things like "I don’t play in piss and shit. I don’t wear diapers. I don’t play with knives. I don’t put needles in my flesh. Etc.." because most of the people in the local nightclub also don’t do those things and it would be rare to find someone who had any sort of expectation that we might be inclined to do so. Here though, we’re surrounded by people who do those things, and are looking for other people who do those things. So we sort of have an obligation (to ourselves mainly), to lay our likes and dislikes out on the table before we engage in much chit-chat.
For me, it’s vital that any prospective partner be open to the concept of a poly household. I’m not going to withhold the important piece of information that if you enter into a relationship with me, you’re also entering into a relationship with my other partners. Or that I am open to having a relationship with you and I was kind of hoping to see you have a lot of your needs and desires fulfilled by my other subbie, who might end up being your wife or bed mate. Or yes, I’m interested in you, but I’d like the two of us to go out together and find even more people to add to the home. If I hit it off real well with a submissive and there’s a spark, it wouldn’t be fair to talk about hiking and politics and healthcare, only to find out a month later that oh, what a shame you wanted a monogamous relationship, since I’m already involved with 2 other people or wanted to find a cute lady to do things with you that I can’t bring myself to do. Or oh, I didn’t realize you were into XYZ, I really can’t deal with that.
Sometimes putting our BDSM interests on the forefront is how we go about being honest.
I’m much more inclined to write someone off based on their kinks than I am to write them off based on their political views. I can handle the fact that you voted for so-and-so, however, I cannot handle the fact that you want us to be monogamous with each other and only each other. I can deal with your taste in music I hate, however, I can’t deal with you wanting to wear my panties. I can live with you leaving the house to get your fix for bike-riding, but I can’t live with you leaving the house to get your fix for serving another Mistress. Many of the vanilla things that aren’t compatible, I can take em or leave em. But some of the aspects of BDSM are very black or white.
I do understand what you’re saying though. It is very important to me to get to know someone as a whole person, both vanilla and kink. I think many of us are a bit unsure how to balance it out on a site like this. The interest lists available to us in our profiles does a some-what good job. It lists music, sports, hobbies, and kink. I see a lot of people only filling out the BDSM selections. Many people don’t list important vanilla things in their profile, like family, kids, careers, etc.. or they go the other extreme and don’t list anything BDSM related for the sake of trying to be seen as "a whole person". Either route you take, by focusing strictly on BDSM or focusing strictly on vanilla, it portrays an inaccurate picture. I think it’s important to focus on both.
Regarding relocating, I’m not sure about others, but for me, relocation isn’t an option (for now), more because of people than finances. I’ve heard some people say they won’t relocate because of their job. I’ve even had people tell me they won’t relocate to my area because of the lack of jobs. But for me, it’s more about family. I don’t want to pull my son out of school and away from all his friends. I don’t want to be terribly far away from my elderly father whose health is rapidly declining. I have a lot of friends here. And my heritage is here. I come from the Cherokee people and the German mountaineers. Both of those people have a very rich heritage around my area, and both sets of people have a long tradition of intergenerational cohabitation (very normal for grandparents to live in the same home or at least on the same property.)
I can see many benefits of leaving my vicinity. I can’t stand the heat here and would bask in the colder weather if I headed north. Bigger cities offer more job opportunities, more leisure activities, and more diversity. I could definitely find better universities elsewhere. But what keeps me stapled to the area I’m in, is people.
That being said, once my kiddo leaves my nest to build his own, and once my Father passes on, I will probably be much more open to relocating. (I still refuse to go South though. I can’t take the heat.)
Here’s the catch though. I can’t really wrap my head around getting to know someone well enough over the internet to consider relocating. I insist on a hell of a lot more than even a face-to-face meeting. I want the infamous "coffee date", followed by going places together, and doing things together, over a period of months, before I’d be ready to uproot for them. I would probably do emails, and webcams, and the telephone, but I wouldn’t truly know if I was willing to relocate until I had a lot of face-to-face time with someone.
The initial visit itself is probably going to be a bit pricey. I won’t take my child to a stranger’s home, so I’m looking at a few days of child care. Depending on the distance, I’m looking at either a hefty price in gasoline or airfare. I won’t sleep at a stranger’s house, so I’m looking at hotel costs. Plus meals. We’re up to at the very minimum, a couple hundred dollars a week to get to know someone. That’s time and money that could have been spent on a weekend vacation with family. How do I get to know someone well enough online that I find them worth investing that much time and effort… to meet them in the first place?
I think I’m having trouble articulating this idea.
If don’t know you, then why would I put hundreds of dollars and days at a time into getting to know you?
Maybe it’s because I’m wrapped up in this idea that we don’t really know people from online interaction.
Mr. subbie from 3,000 miles away might be exactly what I want, (or he might be a 15 year old kid who plays well on the computer), but I have to invest (both time and money) to find out for sure. It goes against everything I’ve learned to invest a lot in something that you don’t know much about.
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IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).
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RE: Why Haven't You been Sucessful? - 
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