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Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:14:33 PM   
xoxogirl


Posts: 4
Joined: 12/28/2012
Status: offline 		I have found there is a lot of abuse happening in the BDSM community. I've experienced it personally, seen it with lots of my friends, and heard countless stories. I would like for everyone in the lifestyle to stop, take a moment and think about weather there relationship is abusive or not. Then think about if some of there friends relationships are abusive or not. Helping a friend is sometimes the most noble thing you can do. The way I see it (and believe me, I love to be kinky) there is a difference between an ass slap during sex or bondage, compared to being so bloody you can't walk out of the house the next day (that's happened to me!). When you have to cover up marks someone has left on you, there is a problem.
I would really like to put an end to this abuse. To all my subs: Submission is the greatest gift you can ever give someone, so don't give it up lightly!
Contact me if you need anything on here or Fet Life (DaddysOnly on Fet Life) I have groups on there I would love for people to join. If there is anything I can do to help anyone I will or even if you would like to share a story or want to hear mine, I'll be more than willing to share or listen.

Thanks! Love y'all!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:22:03 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline 		I'm sorry you've experienced abusive relationships. However, I don't see a large amount of abuse in the BDSM scene. At least, no more than anywhere else. In fact, I would say that the majority of regular posters on CM are in happy, healthy relationships. So maybe it's just you and your inability to form healthy relationships, in general, that is the issue.

If you're really concerned about and want to end abuse/domestic violence, I strongly suggest you volunteer at a battered women's shelter or hotline.

Also, advertising for your FetLife group here is gauche. Not cool at all.

_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to xoxogirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:23:21 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I often have to dress carefully to cover up welts or bruises that last for days, if not weeks.

This is not abuse - this is consensual S&M play.

How would you discriminate between abusive relationships and loving relationships that involve beatings and bloodshed?

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to xoxogirl)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:24:29 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		I believe your intent is noble... I guess. However, there are some who do actually like the marks left on their body.


(in reply to xoxogirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:32:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Kana wonders: Whats so bad about a little, I mean a lot, I mean massive heinous amounts, of abuse?

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:37:16 PM   
MsClaudiaG


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/28/2012
Status: offline 		I too am truly sad too hear this and it is not something that is typical of a BDSM relationship. In my own experience a sub Dom relationship contains a great deal of trust and respect from both parties. I show a great deal of tenderness as well as pain to a sub. For me and anyone else I know it is not taken past the subs limits, anyone i know involved in bdsm and who is experienced would know not to take it this far if this truly isn't what the sub wants.

It's important to add that some want what you are describing and it's consensual others don't, you can tell if someone is enjoying something or not by their face/body language and sometimes other things! particularly in a loving relationship where you should know your partners, wants, needs and desires well...in this type of a relationship a safe word shouldn't even be needed . There is a difference between abuse and a trusting, consensual bdsm relationship, what you are describing if non consensual may i add as it is sounding from your post, sounds like just pure abuse and I am sad to see that associated with a subdominant relationship because that's not what I know a true bdsm relationship to be.

< Message edited by MsClaudiaG -- 12/29/2012 4:05:48 PM >

(in reply to xoxogirl)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:43:23 PM   
Aynne88


Posts: 3873
Joined: 8/29/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Kana wonders: Whats so bad about a little, I mean a lot, I mean massive heinous amounts, of abuse?


lol...I agree with Kana. Seriously OP, we don't need these kind of warnings, some of us like to have to cover up marks or to cause them.

_____________________________

As long as people will shed the blood of innocent creatures there can be no peace, no liberty, no harmony between people. Slaughter and justice cannot dwell together.
—Isaac Bashevis Singer, writer and Nobel laureate (1902–1991)



(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:48:14 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Iffin you always end up feeling abused, perhaps just maybe that is really what you want? Seriously, take rape and the proverbial "she was asking for it" response. After 1 rape, I do not suspect there is anything wrong. After continuous rapage of self and all your friends, the readers gotta' stop and wonder if perhaps just maybe there is something wrong with you guys and your "noble" "mission to help other women with abuse" and save each other.

Just sayin' . . . you're a whack job.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to xoxogirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:49:44 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		I'm afraid I'm going to have to go with "noble purpose" and flawed execution. I have three problems here:

(a) I don't really care what you think is abusive. I'm honestly more interested in what either Carol or the law might say is abusive. Your arbitrary and personal distinctions are meaningless to me. But I'll tell you what. If you'd like I can give you Carol's email address and I'll make you the same offer as I do everyone. If you can convince Carol that she is abused I will agree. If you want to give it a go, drop me a private message and I'll respond and warn Carol of the incoming message. I should warn you right up front that you'll be facing a hopeless task that's likely to have her laughing at you hysterically and annoyed with me for offering to waste her time.

(b) You are setting yourself up as a "protector" which I directly interpret as "victim creator". So while you may see yourself as being part of the solution I see you as being part of the problem.

(c) While I've seen lots of high-school behavior, juvenile politics, and a slew of other things in "the community" what I have not personally seen is a lot of abuse. Do you have any actual statistics or studies (you know, real data) that would support a claim of more abuse in the BDSM community than in the larger society?

The bottom line is that I get called abusive almost daily on these boards and I'm not particularly concerned by it. Neither is Carol. We generally laugh a lot at how awful I am.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to xoxogirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 3:53:03 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

. . . You are setting yourself up as a "protector" which I directly interpret as "victim creator". So while you may see yourself as being part of the solution I see you as being part of the problem...


LOL, if the OP tried to protect my slave from my brutal abuse, my slave would kick her ass for cock blocking.

ETA:

OK, I'll go away now and let everyone else continue to rally round the SSC flag, singing campfire songs while consensually slap & tickling each other.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 12/29/2012 3:55:00 PM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:12:05 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist
OK, I'll go away now and let everyone else continue to rally round the SSC flag, singing campfire songs while consensually slap & tickling each other.

Actually, as I read the thread not a single poster got on board the "save the subs" bandwagon. I read concern about her personal situation and a defense of our boundaries.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:12:19 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist



OK, I'll go away now and let everyone else continue to rally round the SSC flag, singing campfire songs while consensually slap & tickling each other.


Oi RS - tickling is a hard limit! That definitely falls under the heading of 'abuse'

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:15:12 PM   
SylvereApLeanan


Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself


quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

OK, I'll go away now and let everyone else continue to rally round the SSC flag, singing campfire songs while consensually slap & tickling each other.


Oi RS - tickling is a hard limit! That definitely falls under the heading of 'abuse'


Oh, if this is true, then I'm guilty of abusing my girlfriend almost daily!


_____________________________

Sylverë
Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl
"There's something that doesn't make sense. Let's go and poke it with a stick."— The Doctor

(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:19:43 PM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline 		What is abuse?
What is safe?
What is sane?
What is healthy?

To every individual those words hold various definitions.
Yes there is the LEGAL and websters definitions.
Yes there is a shrinks definition of these terms.

I choose to define those terms for myself.
I choose to get involved with people who have similar if not the same definitions of those terms as myself.

I don't need YOU (the OP) to try and save me.
I don't need someone coming in and playing captain safe a hoe.







< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 12/29/2012 4:22:22 PM >

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:24:40 PM   
MAINEiacMISTRESS


Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxogirl

I have found there is a lot of abuse happening in the BDSM community. I've experienced it personally, seen it with lots of my friends, and heard countless stories. I would like for everyone in the lifestyle to stop, take a moment and think about weather there relationship is abusive or not. Then think about if some of there friends relationships are abusive or not. Helping a friend is sometimes the most noble thing you can do. The way I see it (and believe me, I love to be kinky) there is a difference between an ass slap during sex or bondage, compared to being so bloody you can't walk out of the house the next day (that's happened to me!). When you have to cover up marks someone has left on you, there is a problem.
I would really like to put an end to this abuse. To all my subs: Submission is the greatest gift you can ever give someone, so don't give it up lightly!
Contact me if you need anything on here or Fet Life (DaddysOnly on Fet Life) I have groups on there I would love for people to join. If there is anything I can do to help anyone I will or even if you would like to share a story or want to hear mine, I'll be more than willing to share or listen.

Thanks! Love y'all!


I too have run into those who have been abused in so-called "BDSM" relationships (and managed to rescue some). The thing for everyone involved to remember is, ALL PLAY SHOULD BE SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL....anything else IS actual abuse. There ARE people who will use the title "Dominant" to inflict extreme abuse on others, I know because I've had actual conversations with these assholes who tell Me, "I love it when they scream out their safeword and I just keep hitting." And I in turn love humiliating them in front of witnesses by calling them out for the ignorant criminals that they are.

The thing to differentiate is that some people ENJOY wearing their marks, CONSENT to receiving them, and wear them with PRIDE. To other people it's just too far...and your "Dominant" should know your limits and stop before that point, after all, you have given them your TRUST, which means they are responsible for your SAFETY. So, remember your safewords, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE to let them know what you do/don't consent to...and make sure you choose a partner who RESPECTS not only your safe words but also your HARD LIMITS. If they don't respect these, WALK. THE. EFF. AWAY.

--MM

(in reply to xoxogirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:26:09 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

Oi RS - tickling is a hard limit! That definitely falls under the heading of 'abuse'


God if this is the case, someone should come abuse me more often because I absolutely love being tickled!!!

(in reply to myotherself)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:28:13 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I love marks my Master places on me.

So, I think you (the OP), need to back up and realise that marks (or blood) do not necessarily signify abuse.

I am wondering if some of the new-to-the-scene submissive-types find themselves in the scene due to reading popular fiction of the dark Romantic type.

For some people, the reality of being whipped or even spanked is vastly different from what one imagines.

I am not trying to turn this into a 50 Shades post.

I am trying to make a comment that as a submissive, it is your job to take care of yourself until you decide that someone is worthy of transferring power over to.
That is what a power exchange relationship involves, and until you choose to transfer that power, you are your own person.

If things are then negotiated to your satisfaction and a set boundary is crossed, it is your responsibility to take care of yourself and act on the crossed boundary.

If you are expecting the Dom/Top to *just* know... you are making a mistake.
If you are expecting some sort of magical wisdom, in the Dom/Top to discern what you want or what your boundaries are, then you are making a huge mistake.

Expectations need to be clear.
Communication needs to be clear.

I am not trying to diminish the horrible experience of being in an abusive situation.

It is my hope that the OP can perhaps be reminded that making hasty and unwise decisions often have unwanted outcomes and there are good reasons why jumping into things and/or making a commitment to someone you do not know very well is often a very bad idea.


Protect yourself by taking your time to really know what it is you are seeking and the person you are then trusting to provide it.

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to xoxogirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:34:00 PM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

Oi RS - tickling is a hard limit! That definitely falls under the heading of 'abuse'


God if this is the case, someone should come abuse me more often because I absolutely love being tickled!!!


Me too!
It is one of those things I love and hate.
It is a sweet torment though!

_____________________________

LilSquaw
Lifestyle & ProSwitch
Fetish Model, Producer, and Website Owner

http://www.clips4sale.com/69201
http://www.kinkbomb.com/studio/Sadistic_Babygirl_

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:36:23 PM   
MsClaudiaG


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/28/2012
Status: offline 		I have to totally agree with this post. Although some like to be beaten black and blue, others don't. Being sub doesn't automatically give someone the right to take things this far if its not wanted by the sub. A sub will give total trust to a Dom, partivularly if they think they are in a loving relationship, a trust not to take things too far. There are some people, as there are in any other types of relationship who will take advantage of this. A new and uneducated sub may be particularly vulnerable to this because they don't know what's right and wrong, they just want to please. This kind of forum should help someone like this know that a true bdsm relationship is not abusive because its based on mutual enjoyment.

(in reply to MAINEiacMISTRESS)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Abuse in the community - 12/29/2012 4:43:41 PM   
poise


Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
It is my hope that the OP can perhaps be reminded that making hasty and unwise decisions often have unwanted
outcomes and there are good reasons why jumping into things and/or making a commitment to someone you do
not know very well is often a very bad idea. Protect yourself by taking your time to really know what it is
you are seeking and the person you are then trusting to provide it.

Amen.

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 20
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