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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 10:40:02 AM   
OsideGirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: FreeFromSin

If he hasn't ever been married or divorced or had a child, it's a red-flag.




I don't see that as necessarily a red flag. Some people have not yet met the right person to marry, or have a child with. Some people cannot have children.


I missed that one. Master and I married when he was 37. He had not been previously married or fathered a child.

We've been happy together for 13 years.

So, while that theory might apply to some people, it is not correct in all instances.


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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 10:42:26 AM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline
I have had squirrel soup in the past.
Wasn't a red flag to me. Lol

Granted I've also eat'n rattlesnake, shark fin, chocolate covered ants and cricket, and gator.
How is eating strange food a red flag?

My ex and I used to have dinner together once a week, without OUR children.
It was our way of showing them although we weren't together they were still our priority.
It was our way of showing them although we weren't together we could get along and be adults.

My partner, has NEVER been married nor does have any children.
This isn't a red flag.
His priorities have been his businesses.
He simply doesn't go around producing children without any forethought.
Again NOT a red flag.


For me...
A man having 5 baby's momma's is a red flag.
A man having 4 ex wives is a red flag.


MainiaMistress,
I actually look the relationship a man has with his mother.
I think that if a man treats his mother with respect, dignity, and makes time for her.
That is a good sign.

To say that if a man is close to his mother, you won't be anymore than a fuck provider, is such bullshit. Lol



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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 10:46:55 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		What about women that have never married or had children?

I'm nearly 48 and until two or so years ago I was single and child-free. I had a lively romantic life, but no long-term relationship and no serious commitment.

That doesn't mean there's something wrong with me, it means I prioritised my career over relationships, and only now am I ready to take on the responsibility of a partner and his kids.

I have dated guys who have followed a similar path. They were mostly really nice, fun guys who had a lot of interesting perspectives on the world.

Typecasting people rarely works - get to know them first and then make your judgements.

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 10:59:20 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I'm another one who'd be more inclined to consider LOTS of exes or LOTS of children (particularly with lots of different people or children that they don't have much to do with). Either he/she's jumping into huge commitments way too soon or is making other bad decisions leading to things falling apart.

On the other end of the spectrum I would be concerned about zero relationships in their past, or no friends to speak of. Obviously a 20 year old might not have had a serious relationship, but if you still haven't by 45 I'd be worried you were missing some kind of social skill.

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 11:59:40 AM   
InnerExtrovert


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/31/2012
Status: offline 		1. Red flag: Spending an entire evening talking about his ex, his dog, his miserable childhood, or Jesus.
2. Red flag: Demonizing people out of proportion to the misdeed. One day he'll turn those tables on me.
3. Red flag: Ranting about politics. I appreciate a spirited discussion every now and then, but repeating daily the same old tired rant about how you are only earning 95k a year and not 120k due to feminism makes you sound like a three year old. This one falls under "You might be a douchebag if you compare the injustices in your life to events in slave narratives."
4. Red flag: "fakes and flakes," but god bless 'em, that bit of narcissism comes cleanly packaged with easily identified labeling.
5. Red Flag: Sympathetic with the Unabomber, McVeigh, etc because they were victims and misunderstood by society.
6. Red Flag: Not making any attempt to understand what might have motivated me to do something he disagrees with and jumps straight to criticizing.
7. Red flag: Nothing is ever good enough: "Next time you need to do this that and the other."

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 12:23:25 PM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SinFix

I am thinking you are one huge red flag given your recent posts...


Totally agree.

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 12:32:12 PM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: InnerExtrovert

5. Red Flag: Sympathetic with the Unabomber, McVeigh, etc because they were victims and misunderstood by society.




Wow, you really ran into that?

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 1:17:38 PM   
NuevaVida


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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw


To say that if a man is close to his mother, you won't be anymore than a fuck provider, is such bullshit. Lol



On the outset, a man close to his mother is a good thing. I think there *is* such a thing as *too* close, though. My ex husband was this way. We could be in the middle of anything, and if his mother called, needing anything (like lifting a heavy jug of water), the world would stop and he'd hop into his car and deliver. When his mother died, his entire world crumbled, and he developed a "mother complex" with me. I wasn't a fuck provider, in fact, he couldn't have sex with me, because I was somehow turned into "mama" to him.

A *healthy* close relationship is what's important.

One thing for me, and it's not a "red flag" it's just a personal preference for the future. If I ever find myself single again, I don't think I would get attached to a man with kids who weren't already adults. Don't get me wrong, I love the Mister's daughter so much it's ridiculous, but I don't have my own kids, and it requires more patience then I want to put out again - not just to help raise her, but to often times have my life revolve around someone else's child's needs. Sounds totally selfish but I'm just being realistic. I wouldn't change a thing these days, but if I am ever single again, I'd bypass someone with youngsters. Again, just a personal preference based on what I've learned about myself.

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 1:29:14 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: FreeFromSin

quote:

If he hunts and eats squirrels, (and skins them) it is a red flag.


Heh..I guess Master should have seen this as a red flag. I never hunted them but I did skin and eat them as a kid. Hey, I grew up poor and in the middle of nowhere in the mountains of Pa. It was eat or starve.

quote:

If he vacations with his supposedly ex wife, he's married.


I have a friend who does this. I think it's kinda nice that they can do this. They both have other partners now and all of them go on vacations together with the kids so that the kids are able to have their entire family together from both sides. They all get along very well and there has never been any problems. They just can't be married to each other for different reasons but they're all still friends. I don't see it as a red flag at all.

quote:

If he doesn't invite you to his place, it's a red flag.


Master didn't invite me to his place for the longest time. He was just cautious at first. I still don't really go to his place that often even though we live only 3 miles apart now. I just think it's more comfortable at my place.

quote:

if he doesn't talk on the phone or text, it's a red-flag.


It depends. Some people just don't like to talk or text on the phone. Master and I didn't talk or text one another and after we started dating in real life. Until then I had never spoken to him on the phone or seen a photo of him. I think it just all comes down to how much you are suspicious of people. I never really felt suspicious of Master. I just never had any reason to.
quote:


If he hasn't ever been married or divorced or had a child, it's a red-flag.


Master has never been married and doesn't have any children. It was what attracted me to him along with many other things. If he had already had children I would not have even met him in person. I don't want anymore children and did not want to be involved with someone who has children. I am also glad he was never married. It meant less drama in our lives and I never had to be concerned about an ex-wife.

quote:

If he takes his doggie to a beauty poochie salon on his lunch hour, it's a red-flag.


No dog but Master spoils his cats. I personally find it adorable.

quote:

If he lies about his age or refuses to tell you his age, it's a red-flag.


Master's age on his profile was incorrect when I met him. I didn't know that until I met him in person and as we talked his age came out and I called him out on it. Turns out he just never updates his profile. It never even dawned on him. He just assumed that CM did it automatically. Again, it wasn't a big age difference...maybe 3 or 4 years, not enough to bother me.

quote:

If he lives with a stripper, junkie, turned escort hooker, it's a red-flag.


The only one which would bother me would be the junkie only because one's addictions can wreak havoc with his career and life and it would not have fared well. As for the other two, it would be dependent on the as people, not on their choice of career. I admit this is something I've had to learn to come to terms with because of someone extremely close to me who has decided to take a sex job and it doesn't sit well with me but the person is still a good person.
quote:


Also: unless he always behaves chivalrous or is an Atheist, don’t waste your time even getting to know him.



personally, being an atheist would be a red flag for me. I am a christian so someone being an atheist would mean we would not get along at all.

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 1:32:49 PM   
littlewonder


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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MAINEiacMISTRESS

Oh, and a HUGE red flag is if he's got a REEEEEEEALLY close relationship with his mom or even a sister. I've seen situations where a man was so close to his mother that he'd include the mother on all their special outings and the girlfriend was the 3rd wheel. If a man is close with his mother, trust Me, you will never be more than his fuck-provider. He has his mom for companionship and everything else.



huh....hey, Master...did you read this? No more calling your mom!

Personally I love that Master calls his mom everyday to talk to her. I think it's a nice, warm feeling and I admit I feel jealous that he has such a close relationship to his mom and even to his sisters and the rest of his family. I don't really have that with mine and so it's nice to see him have it with his.



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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 1:47:40 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		ORIGINAL: InnerExtrovert
quote:


1. Red flag: Spending an entire evening talking about his ex, his dog, his miserable childhood, or Jesus.


We've spent entire evenings talking about his cats and mine before before my daughter took him. We've also had entire evenings with conversations about Jesus and God and Buddha and Krishna and every other deity or prophet you can think of. It's fun to us.

quote:

2. Red flag: Demonizing people out of proportion to the misdeed. One day he'll turn those tables on me.


It depends. We've spent nights talking about the stupid stuff people do and laughing all night long about it. It can be fun.
quote:


3. Red flag: Ranting about politics. I appreciate a spirited discussion every now and then, but repeating daily the same old tired rant about how you are only earning 95k a year and not 120k due to feminism makes you sound like a three year old. This one falls under "You might be a douchebag if you compare the injustices in your life to events in slave narratives."


Again, we do this but we enjoy discussions and debates, especially when one of us can back it up with verifiable facts. We both like to learn new things and talk about everything under the sun. Nothing at all is off limits. Neither of us gets angry at the other though. It's just a discussion, a debate. We still love one another. We both end up laughing at each other or just agreeing to disagree. Again, no big deal.

quote:

4. Red flag: "fakes and flakes," but god bless 'em, that bit of narcissism comes cleanly packaged with easily identified labeling.


It does? One person's fake/flake is another person's dream come true.
quote:


5. Red Flag: Sympathetic with the Unabomber, McVeigh, etc because they were victims and misunderstood by society.


It depends on the person. There are some people who did bad things that I can be sympathetic with and understand why they did something but doesn't mean I don't think they should not be punished. I can see both sides of most of everything people talk about or do but actions have consequences.

quote:

6. Red Flag: Not making any attempt to understand what might have motivated me to do something he disagrees with and jumps straight to criticizing.


eehh...again, it depends. There are a couple of things in life that Master and I vehemently disagree about and one of us jumps straight to criticizing. Usually the other one just shuts up and shrugs their shoulders. We both know each other's view on the subject. There's no reason to continue the discussion. We know we won't understand the other's reason and it's not important enough to get into an argument over it.

quote:

7. Red flag: Nothing is ever good enough: "Next time you need to do this that and the other."


I don't see it as not ever being good enough. Master says all the time to me that next time I need to do this and that and the other. It just means I suck at it and I need to try harder. I see it as him letting me know so that I can do it better next time. He doesn't want me to continue to do it incorrectly. Yeah, it pisses me off at first but I get over it and do my best to do better next time. In the end I'm glad he told me even if I didn't like hearing it.



I think a lot of times, red flags really are dependent on who the person is that I am involving myself with and making sure I understand the situation and that I am comfortable with myself and that I have learned from my past experiences. All part of growing up and being a responsible adult and also picking and choosing just what is nitpicking and what is really important to me.



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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 1:50:39 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		In meeting/getting to know/screening people:

1) Not trying to get to know me

2) Offering to move to and move in with me without establishing a real-time relationship at all first (or again, in some cases #1)

3) Sending me their YIM or phone number as a instant/primary means of communicating before talking through the website *at all* -and/or pushing for mine right away

4) Unless there is a good reason (like for instance, potentials and I are talking who live in NYC because I'm moving there soon) not being willing to meet within a couple days of hitting it off online

5) In-person: trying to get me to go to their home to play when I am willing to do so at the dungeon we're both at and just met them that night

6) Talking about marriage or kids with me when I make it clear I'm not seeking a new or another spouse (I'm open to a polyandry situation if the perfect person and I developed a relationship that went that way, but not as a "hi, how are you? I'm looking to get married" sort of thing).... and when I clearly state on ALL my profiles and when discussing long-term relationships that I am childfree

7) Knowing each other online for 3 days, exchanging IMs and then they freak out and bitch about where was I today because I wasn't online with them all day constantly messaging them back and forth (this guy was a hoot. I was all like, "we haven't even met in person and I'm not someone to talk to you every 5 minutes all day every day always... you have the wrong expectations from me and I never led you to believe I'd be okay with that" he returns, "Well, I guess you just don't want to be in a relationship. I want something real where we're in constant contact") woah dude.

8) Anyone that shows a disregard for boundaries right away (like the pushing for phone numbers in a first email or after I've stated clearly I'm not giving it out to a stranger, nagging at me to take part in an activity I've stated I won't, sends overtly sexual pictures as their way of saying "hello" or after I've asked for a pic and stated I don't want a naked/sexual one, etc)

9) Someone who keeps track of how often and when last I logged in. If he says anything like, "you logged in two days ago, then four hours ago, but you haven't written me in 3 days" then no. It's one thing to say, "hey, I haven't gotten a note back from you in a few days and was wondering if we're still talking" if I read his message and haven't gotten back to him yet for some reason...it's another to be keeping track of my log-in habits over a series of days where it shows he's actually checking my profile log-in note repeatedly.

10) In-person meeting where they violate personal space immediately: like meeting and trying to hug or kiss me right away as the greeting. I don't know you, we haven't even had a chat in-person yet, don't touch me beyond a hand-shake... definitely don't put your lips on any part of me.

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 2:01:14 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		Oh yes, seriously have to echo the "lots of negative relationships with exes and none of the breakups were any of his responsibility at all".

Slut-shaming is another one.

Isn't a feminist.

Trans/homo/race/etc phobic

Views suicide as something someone shouldn't due on the basis of upsetting their family

_____________________________

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I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 4:29:09 PM   
InnerExtrovert


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/31/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SinFix


quote:

ORIGINAL: InnerExtrovert

5. Red Flag: Sympathetic with the Unabomber, McVeigh, etc because they were victims and misunderstood by society.




Wow, you really ran into that?



Not until years after we married. He would pick the loser of the day (front page story of someone charged with statutory rape, etc) and get completely wrapped up in their story and made contributions to their legal defense. The person he felt was most misunderstood was George Sodini. He related so little to the women or their families in that crime that he never commented on the victims; they were collateral damage. Needless to say, the bearer of this particular red flag did not ride gently into that good night. I guess that's why they call them red flags.

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 4:48:37 PM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida


quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLilSquaw


To say that if a man is close to his mother, you won't be anymore than a fuck provider, is such bullshit. Lol



On the outset, a man close to his mother is a good thing. I think there *is* such a thing as *too* close, though. My ex husband was this way. We could be in the middle of anything, and if his mother called, needing anything (like lifting a heavy jug of water), the world would stop and he'd hop into his car and deliver. When his mother died, his entire world crumbled, and he developed a "mother complex" with me. I wasn't a fuck provider, in fact, he couldn't have sex with me, because I was somehow turned into "mama" to him.

A *healthy* close relationship is what's important.




My ex husband was like THAT.
His mother was way to involved in our day to day life.
In our relationship and how we raised our children.
Granted a lot of that was cultural (they were from Hong Kong).
Again not a red flag just not a personal choice.

My partner, now. he and his mom have an amazing relationship
One I must admit I am envious of at a times.
Difference between his mom and my ex mother in law, his mom knows he is grown and has his own life.

Not only knows it but respects it.


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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 5:07:15 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
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quote:

ORIGINAL: theRose4U
Strangely guys I knock unconscious in first 30 minutes of knowing have been best & longest relationships.
(For record relationships only start after consciousness is regained)


...

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 5:50:06 PM   
Nakhla


Posts: 104
Joined: 10/24/2012
Status: offline
His ex's testicles in a jar on the mantlepiece.

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 7:34:28 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nakhla


His ex's testicles in a jar on the mantlepiece.



Ok, well everyone can just go home now, not sure anyone can beat that

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RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 7:36:12 PM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		^^^^ this^^^ just wow

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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Red Flags That You Missed - 12/31/2012 7:42:06 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Nakhla


His ex's testicles in a jar on the mantlepiece.


You win.


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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Profile   Post #: 60
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