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Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 5:02:34 AM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		This is a spin off of another thread.  It seems like most are anti play on a first and I'm one of those.  However, I will admit that I did play with my first dom on the first meeting.  Luckily it went well.  I will admit to being naive at that point in time.

How many of you have played straight off if the chemistry is there?  How did it work for you?  What were some of the factors in your decision?  Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?

I knew the morning after the first time that I wouldn't make that choice again.  The experience was wonderful and we saw each other for close to a year after that, but I also realized how much differently it could have turned out.  That drove my desire to get to know others in the lifestyle and that was no easy trick in rural KS 8 years ago.

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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 5:20:04 AM   
MistressJeanne


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline 		I agree that it is not a good idea to play on the 1st meeting, no matter how good the chemistry is.  For safety reasons, mainly.  I'm glad you had a great experience, but it could have turned out very, very badly.  You were lucky.  We try to constantly remind our new members to our local BDSM group about safety.  Meet in a public place, have safe calls or a person at another table.  Better yet, bring along another kinky friend to get their read on the person. 
 
I too live in a small town and was surpised to find out we had 3 active BDSM groups here...LOL  Have fun and take care.

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 5:51:10 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		I believe that alot of people are against playing on the first meet because of the concern that one's emotions of the moment is going to override their common sense.  Kyra and I crossed each other's path online about 6 months before we were together in person.  That first night Kyra and I had a very intense sexually night.  Was it our first meet.  Maybe, to some.  I consider our first meet to actually be months before in an online situation.  Our physical meeting actually validated everything we already knew about each other.  I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with playing the first time someone meets.  However, there is some inherent risks that come with playing on a first meet.  I believe if someone is conscious of these risks and accept the consequences of their choice, it really is not such a bad thing.  There is more than a few that have had a great experience on a first meet... Not everything is bad news! 

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 5:55:25 AM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		Lucky? or just smart enough to see a good opportunity and take advantage of it.  I think the latter is more likely.

There is a big difference of promoting safety.... compared to promoting fear to keep one safe.  

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:11:24 AM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		Knight of Mists, that was exactly what it was for me, an opportunity.  Being a novice I had kind of a mental list going of things that I sought that would make me feel safe in my initial forays into bdsm.  He met and exceeded every one of them. 

As for groups, yes they champion safety but groups tend to want you to shut off your own common sense and go with what the group approves.  One group I went to was big on playing at a play party first.  While that can give you an idea its not the same thing.  Eventually you will be alone and the safety police out of sight. I played with someone once at a group after being told he "wouldn't hurt a fly" and found him to be scary to say the least.  I wouldn't have been alone with him for anything.  Unfortunately another sub saw us playing and decided that it looked like it was going well and did get with him alone.  It didn't go well to say the least. 

To me nothing replaces paying attention to your gut instincts and keeping your wits about you when thinking about meeting someone in real life.  Safecalls?  Not too bad an idea if there are there to be called, if they can stay off the phone to be called.  My closest sub friend missed one for me because her daughter took the phone to her room and went to sleep. However, if someone really wanted to harm you it probably would be done and over before the hour or two into it many set for a safecall.   

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:20:15 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks
How many of you have played straight off if the chemistry is there? 

I do whenever I feel like it.

I don't whenever I don't feel like it.

That's the difference between me and someone who should NOT play on the first time- I'm more than comfortable saying no and I have good judgement.

quote:

How did it work for you? 

Sometimes it was awesome.  Sometimes it was kinda eh.  Sometimes it was good and we both knew it wasn't going to be anything more.

quote:

 What were some of the factors in your decision?

How do I feel right now?  What do I have to do tomorrow?  How likely am I to get this opportunity?  Do they feel right to me?

quote:

  Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?

I've never played and then thought later "I should have waited."  I have played and thought it was a great start and ended up fizzling out.
quote:


I knew the morning after the first time that I wouldn't make that choice again.  The experience was wonderful and we saw each other for close to a year after that, but I also realized how much differently it could have turned out.  That drove my desire to get to know others in the lifestyle and that was no easy trick in rural KS 8 years ago.

Whatever works for you.

Playing on a first date is NOT something I advise newbies to do.

But almost every does it anyway and as long as people are using their good judgement, it's the choice. 




_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:21:28 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
Lucky? or just smart enough to see a good opportunity and take advantage of it.  I think the latter is more likely.

There is a big difference of promoting safety.... compared to promoting fear to keep one safe.  

Yup.  If it's luck then I've got an 8 year streak of it.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:38:59 AM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		Lucky Albatross, I appreciate your honesty.  I think playing on a first is fairly common but many people are afraid to state they have done it.  It seems like all those who would warn you and tell you how unsafe it is come flying out of the woodwork.   Maybe this goes more with RACK than SSC. 

I knew the risks even the first time out of the chute.  What I counted on was my own brain and sense of judgement.  What was a bit scary the morning after was that no matter how good it had been it was also a lot like being taken to an alien planet and suddenly being plopped back into this one.  While we had discussed what went on and the desire to continue he had a number of years of experience and had lost that sense of OMG that a novice experiences.  It also seems like doms, probably given the fact that they control what happens, often don't feel that "what if" thing as much.


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:41:10 AM   
ExistentialSteel


Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline 		For Doms, there is a psychological tenet that if you make her wait, she is going to want it more. That is one reason not to play with a sub the first time. She may go in with a preconceived notion that you will want to push her to play and when that doesn't happen, she will feel it which will add to her desire.

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For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:42:51 AM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

I believe that alot of people are against playing on the first meet because of the concern that one's emotions of the moment is going to override their common sense.  Kyra and I crossed each other's path online about 6 months before we were together in person.  That first night Kyra and I had a very intense sexually night.  Was it our first meet.  Maybe, to some.  I consider our first meet to actually be months before in an online situation.  Our physical meeting actually validated everything we already knew about each other.  I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with playing the first time someone meets.  However, there is some inherent risks that come with playing on a first meet.  I believe if someone is conscious of these risks and accept the consequences of their choice, it really is not such a bad thing.  There is more than a few that have had a great experience on a first meet... Not everything is bad news! 


this is my situation as well Knight .. before meeting anyone in a real time situation I have talked and conversed with her for weeks and weeks. I make sure that she knows me . and I know her .... asking questions .. gaining information as to who the person is . the chemistry for me is developing at this point since it's the mind that really intrigues me ... small hidden things that tell me where a girl wants to go with everything
 
 Myself . I never iniate play with a first meet . there is more conversation more of a "feeling out real time" ..... if I feel the chemistry is still there I might lean over and let her know I would love nothing more then to take it to the next level
 
 This is where I place the ball in her lap and let her tell me it's time to go play .... and I have had some great encounters at that point ... but to tell someone straight up NEVER play on the first meet ... thats not the best information
 
 Wouldn't it be better to council them that if the moment feels so perfect to you that your head spins to go for it with a passion, but if it feels wrong then tell your meet that you would feel more comfortable waiting till the next meet?
Just to add to this . I am someone who believes in safety calls . anyone coming to meet me is also told to have 3 safety calls in place . one when we meet . one during the meet and one when the meet is over

< Message edited by Tamerofwild1s -- 6/19/2006 6:48:21 AM >

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:50:14 AM   
hizgeorgiapeach


Posts: 1672
Status: offline 		Yep - I've played with various sadists/doms the first face to face meet.  Several times.  I've never regretted it, though if I had missed out on some of those play times I would definately have regretted it.
 
I'm much like LA in that I'm very comfortable with telling someone "Nope, doesn't trip my trigger today" if there's anything the least bit "off" in my gut instincts concerning the situation.  I'm also, like KoM and Tamer, someone who gets to know the person fairly well before that first meet - so that I already have an idea of whether I even Might be willing to play with them.
 
Sometimes it's gone really well, sometimes it wasn't as good as it could have been.  I still wouldn't have missed any of those times for all the money in the world.  The only time I really have Problems though - is when I ignore my gut instincts, either against something.... or FOR something... and do the opposite.

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Rhi
Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Essential Scentsations

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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:53:42 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		For me, I LOVE playing on the first meet as one can make such a hot mindfuck out of it.  Since I know I am a safe player (nobody has died after I took them to the hospital) that I am not worried about safety.

Imagine being blindfolded and used by a man you have never met nor seen and who leaves cum on your face and hair. You are instructed to leave it there and dress up for dinner.  You are instructed to wait in the bar and of course men come up and talk to you and you are wondering which one of them just used you.

You can really only do that sort of thing once with someone.

This is going to be taken the wrong way but to some extent, the sort of player/partner and the kind of connection I desire would probably be only found with someone who would choose to play on the first date.  Of course that decision, to be a good one, would have to come from the brain and not the loins for both of us and from a place of confidence in her rather than acquiescence.

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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:00:06 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		How many of you have played straight off if the chemistry is there?
I have done this once.

How did it work for you? 
It went smashingly

What were some of the factors in your decision?
We had been talking for a couple of months (not long I know). and he drove 5 hours each way just to meet me, he didn't expect play. The moment we sat across the table from each other I knew I wanted him BADLY, like completely attracted. It was a mutual thing.

Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?
In my case it was a great move. We are still seeing each other and we talk every day. I am completely smitten with him. There is just a lot of chemistry there.

As far as regretting your own move, well yes, bad things can happen and I am not about to say people should do this, they probably shouldn't I guess. I would trust what I did over going toa bar and picking someone up for a quickie (something I have never done, although many people I know have done this too). In my case he didn't tie me up, not that he couldnt have I suppose. I had given his information to two safe calls. I am talking about his license plate number, his drives license, and landline info. If something had happened to me, there were places to start a search..smiles.  He also met my family after we scened. I know, I broke every rule in the book for this guy huh?..lol. This is just my experience.



_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to sharainks)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:03:41 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		New in the real time world,  Take precautions but by the time a face to face is set i am already half way to where i want to be.  If the hair on the back of my neck stands up i have learned through the years to be prepared to use fight or flight and it has NEVER let me down.  But then i was a vanilla once upon a time that took risks as well and ya don't know what you are getting there either so today i will still use the hair test and trust it to make the right decision.  It just doesn't matter we take a chance any time we play with anyone vanilla or here and knowing someone forever isn't going to stop injured or dead from happening if that is their intent.

(in reply to hizgeorgiapeach)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:06:56 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Lucky? or just smart enough to see a good opportunity and take advantage of it.  I think the latter is more likely.

There is a big difference of promoting safety.... compared to promoting fear to keep one safe.  


I really appreciate your posting this.  Seems so many are really fear-driven, rather than safety-driven.

Master used me during our first meet.  I did everything "wrong" according to what most say, in that we met at a hotel and I spent the entire night serving him.  It was one of the best nights of my life.  We had known each other a couple of months before then, and spent SO much time in conversation, particularly in the time leading up to our meeting.  He would not allow me to meet him until he knew I was mentally/emotionally ready to do so.  I don't regret it for one instant.

I remember, in the middle of the night, he allowed me to call whomever I needed to, to let them know I was safe.  When I hung up I looked at him and said, faceciously,  "Does this mean you can kill me now?"  He replied, "What good would you do me dead?"  Made sense to me.  :)

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:13:57 AM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		CrappyDom, I can see where the scenario you painted would be very hot.  I've had such offers but in the end my sense of self preservation won out over the idea of doing it. 

< Message edited by sharainks -- 6/19/2006 7:16:20 AM >

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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:15:13 AM   
MistressDiane


Posts: 334
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		We plan on meeting for dinner then go from there. More likely than not we will play on the first meet. I can only remember a handful that I met and the chemistry just wasn't there face to face so it was a no go and it was always my decision.
I agree with CrappyDom that first meet play can be really intense. I also come from a time where the SSC and RACK mandra didn't exist. WTF were we all killing each other off before then??!!
There was a girl once I met, I stressed how our first meet was a dinner date nothing else, yanno to make her feel all comfy and secure and shit, Hell, when I got there SHE had already gotten a room.....
go figure.
So yeah by the time we've done emails, chats and the phone calls I pretty much leave it with the impression that I will most likely use your arse before the nights over on the first meet, that way there's no misunderstanding.

_____________________________

Ms. Diane
"..and they who danced were thought insane by those who refused to hear the music." ~Monet

*Suffer BayBeee!!!!!*

"My treasures do not sparkle or glitter, they shine in the sun and neigh in the night."

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:15:55 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I've never played on a first meet. For me, it has less to do with safety than a personal morality. I'm just not comfortable playing or having sex right off the bat.



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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:18:56 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I've never played on a first meet. For me, it has less to do with safety than a personal morality. I'm just not comfortable playing or having sex right off the bat.




Does play mean sex necessarily? Not all scenes require someone gets laid. I guess some people would consider that sex too though

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:23:50 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I guess it really depends upon what you consider play and what the circumstances are of the first meet.

I have played with Dominants that I had met that evening at parties where I was well known and where there were people who I knew and trusted. Still, even in that situation I have only done so after watching them scene and making sure that someone I trusted was monitoring.

If by "play" you mean anything that involves blindfolding or bondage in a private setting....no I have never done that and I can't see me doing so in the future either. I have this odd desire to see the sun come up the next morning.

Now if by play you actually mean sex.....yes I have done this. Once was a one night stand. It was one of those primal impulsive things and I had never before done something like that so I figured what they heck. The sex was ok but what I didn't like was how I felt about myself after.

I have also had sex with someone on our first meet that I continued in a short term relationship with. He was a very good friend of a dear and trusted friend of mine and we had been spending copious amounts of time talking to each other on the phone for several months prior to meeting. So I guess you could say that I wasn't exactly flying blind in that situation or responding simply to impulse.

I have been in 3 long term relationships in my life. In discussing this subject with those men, who were looking for a relationship and not just a roll in the hay....they all said that had I been the type of woman who would immediately give myself to them....I wouldn't have even gotten a second date.

I can't answer as to what will happen in the future. I, as a general rule, don't even entertain the thought of sexual intimacy on a first meet. I won't go so far as to say never....but the circumstances would have to be such that I knew the person fairly well in some manner first. Otherwise, the reason why I don't is not because of the safety factor, although that is certainly a consideration. It is not because I don't trust in my own judgement. It is because I do know myself very well and I know how I would process it after the fact....and I just don't like the way it makes me feel.



_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to sharainks)
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