Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Playing on the 1st meeting Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 11:08:16 AM   
impishlilhellcat


Posts: 4379
Joined: 3/26/2006
Status: offline 		I have played on the first meet with a few Doms, there are others I have met that I had no desire whatso ever to take things further.

_____________________________

Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book - Unknown

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 11:16:26 AM   
sublace


Posts: 201
Status: offline 		I would have to problem playing of the first meeting and have done it in the past.  As long as I feel comfortable chatting with them I will play.  Yes I'm easy, but I love being used and putting a smile on their face!!


sublace

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 11:35:36 AM   
lisa1978


Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline 		I have enjoyed this thread and especially the people have been very honest about their experiences. I think often times there is a bit of human nature double standard when discussing this type of thing.

We all think of oursleves as smart, sane and careful, therefore are judgments are sound and when we have played on the 1st meeting we were fine. Strangers that we do not know though might not have the same abilities that we have and therefore cannot necessarily make the same quality decisions we make. Yes, there are dangerous and sick people out there, but the vacuum of a message board makes us be cautious about what we say to people. I was quite stunned by all the responses of 1st meet play and the positive expereinces. Nobody has reccomended it but also nobody has made people feel like complete losers for doing it also.

Very nice to read posts where people treat each other with mutual respect and intelligence. A big part of the answer as with most things, be smart, safe and trust your instincts. There are very few absolutes in life.


_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to sublace)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 12:44:43 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

CrappyDom:  Emperor,

You chastised someone for "manipulating" a submissive...are you serious?



quote:

It seem superfluous, but I have to add to this, ONLY SOME Doms, maybe.  I doubt many Dominants think this way, and frankly I think this sort of thinking is...well...fucked (having a teenager around sometimes does add to the vocab.)




Are you saying you never think of the psychological implications of what you do, in the sense of using them to build anticipation or manipulate a submissive?

Railing against doing so with negative intentions is one thing, but then it isn't the act of manipulating you have an issue with it is the motive.

Interested in your thoughts on this.


No no, CD, you read wayyy too much into my comment to ExistentialSteel (who, I note, seems to being doing quite well in spite of my 'chastisement').  Of course I think of the psychological effect of my words and actions on my submissive (or a submissive I'm interested in).  Indeed, that's really the basis of WIIWD, I think.  The physical stuff almost becomes secondary.  I never meant otherwise.

All I was saying to ES was that I don't think "most Doms" or even many Doms delay play when they can have it.   Offer a Dominant (male OR female) the opportunity to play with an intended "victim" and I think generally he/she will take it. This is basic human nature.  Heck, its basic alpha wolf/lion/orang. nature.  Carpe Diem! 

Oh, and I was adding one of those "well, for you maybe, but NOT for all of us" caveats that people seem to "rail" against here, yet rarely remember to put into their notes.  I think it is just common courtesy for a poster who speaks in broad statements to remind his or herself that you don't speak for everyone.


(and note to ExistentialSteel -- point noted in the post that follows this one.  We are essentially in agreement, and thank you.)

E.

< Message edited by Emperor1956 -- 6/19/2006 1:04:55 PM >

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 12:57:51 PM   
ExistentialSteel


Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline 		Maybe this is a case of apples and oranges here. I was pointing out a principle that many Doms use (or can use). I am by no means saying it is the right way or the only way. It is a common psychological mechanism that making someone wait for something makes them want it more. I am in no way saying you are less for not waiting. As I said above, I have not always waited either.

Funny enough, someone I know commented on a post about how she and I did not wait. I do realize things happen.

Edited to say principle, not principal. My sixth grade teacher would be upset.

< Message edited by ExistentialSteel -- 6/19/2006 1:08:02 PM >

_____________________________

For those who are like Roman Candles leaving bright trails in the night sky while the crowd watches until the dark blue center light bursts into magnificent colors and the crowd goes, ahhhhhhhhhh.

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 12:59:39 PM   
sharainks


Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline 		I think we can all name people who have proven to be dangerous in the lifestyle.  It my area it was John Robinson, or barrel killer from the KS City area.  He had an extensive history of crime and imprisonment. 

But really, how many people are really so dangerous?  Do we have to color our perceptions of everyone based on serial killers?  Are they more prevalent in the lifestyle? I doubt it.  You are just as much in danger going to your local mall, having your car breakdown, taking a walk in the early evening, as you are meeting someone in the lifestyle.

We all also known doms who have traumatized subs and have a reputation for it in the community.  Again they are in the minority.  Thats one good reason to network with others in the lifestyle whether you go to groups or not.  While some of the people I have met in this weren't for me it doesn't mean they were bad people, just not for me for one reason or another. 

The safest thing would for us to do would be to sit at home all day, work from home, not go anywhere, not meet anyone, but  what a miserable life it would be.

One thing my first dom said after night one when I mentioned how many women would do this his response was "Only those who want to live life to the fullest, and I don't know why anyone doesn't want to."

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 1:12:21 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		I had a long standing rule of no play during the first meeting. I never wanted the excitement of meeting someone who shared my preferences to create a momentum which would lead into a false relationship based upon elementary physical attraction. After all, my goal was a long term relationship based upon emotional and mental compatibility being primary over physical desires and needs. I followed that rule for many meeting over a long period of time. Then I met beth...

After a few hours I broke ALL my rules! I was weak. beth overpowered me and got me 'drunk' on her personality and charms. Ultimately she seduced me, took advantage or my weakness, and had her way with me. Or was it me of her? I still respected myself in the morning and have for each of the mornings waking up next to her since that day over 3 years ago.

I'm still adamant about recommending against playing and physical intimacy during the first meeting, but site myself as a hypocritical exception to the best intentions.

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 1:19:56 PM   
twicehappy


Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956

I find it interesting that in answering this question, virtually every poster has said "but of course we chatted online first" (or has a similar experience).  How does that tie into the long long thread about the "reality" of online, hmmmmm?


Off topic so i apologize in advance here to you sharainks; but in the "reality of online" thread CD was i believe (tag me if i am wrong here CD) (damn it CD you are one of those beloved dire enemies yet here i go again) speaking of relationships that are online only, not those that begin online and lead to a genuine face to face meeting.

ExistentialSteel, there is a great amount of anticipation built up in the sub/slave when you prolong their wait, even when it is at the hands of your long time owner. Hot and fast is fun too, ok, lol, i love it either way and there is much to be said for both.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lisa1978

Very nice to read posts where people treat each other with mutual respect and intelligence. A big part of the answer as with most things, be smart, safe and trust your instincts. There are very few absolutes in life.


Absolutely true and very well put.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

I'm still adamant about recommending against playing and physical intimacy during the first meeting, but site myself as a hypocritical exception to the best intentions.


Us(well  the Master and i part of the us that includes Mistress) too!

Funny you read a lot of posters who have  played on a first meeting once only to discover it was with their lifemate; Do you think we possess a 6th sense about that "ONE" ?

< Message edited by twicehappy -- 6/19/2006 1:26:51 PM >

_____________________________

Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

The human heart is not a finite container but an ever expanding universe with all the stars contained there in.

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 1:20:18 PM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

All I was saying to ES was that I don't think "most Doms" or even many Doms delay play when they can have it.   Offer a Dominant (male OR female) the opportunity to play with an intended "victim" and I think generally he/she will take it. This is basic human nature.


I know of a lot of dominants that won't play on the first face to face meeting, I'm one of them. Human nature or not, just because they have the right equipment hanging between their legs is not enough to put me into "play" mode. As far as my husband goes.... as twicehappy said, it was the first time for both of them and it will be the last time as well.

quote:

I find it interesting that in answering this question, virtually every poster has said "but of course we chatted online first" (or has a similar experience). 


Chatting online or on the phone does absolutely nothing for me. I don't consider it real until I meet them in person. There are no circumstances where I would play on the first meeting, not even with someone I had chatted with online for years. Why? Because I need to know them, inside and out, first. And that just isn't possible with chatting online.
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 1:54:38 PM   
Sunshine119


Posts: 611
Joined: 8/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: PlayfulOne

We broke every rule anyone would want to imagine.  We exchanged our first emails on a Sat, started chatting in im Sun.  Tuesday night, she just popped out with "Do you want to come over",  I had somehting to od that I just could not get out of.  We chatteed Wed, and Thurs I remarked if the offer had been made tonight I would be on the way, she answered its still open.  We met at her place, no safe calls, no net,  we played together that night and we have been inseperable ever since.  That was 7 months ago.  I still can't believe thats how things went, hell she still can't believe she just up and invited me over.   When I ask her why she did that, she still says I don't know just that every instinct in my body was telling me to run with it. 

K



I've been prudish for most of my life.  OK...it's out in the open now!  But, a year and a half ago, after chatting with a man on line for about 2 weeks and talking non-stop in between, we agreed to meet, go to dinner and out to a movie.  We agreed that there would be only talking (well, maybe a good night kiss).  There were no safe calls set up, because I wasn't worried about anything happening.  Nobody knew I was out with him and, being a Friday night, unless one of my kids decided to stop over for a visit, nobody would have noticed I was missing until Monday morning.

We met at his hotel.  When I called him to tell him I had arrived, he told me he was on the phone and would be down in a minute or I could come up and wait.  He was on the phone with his daughter (to whose college track meet he was going the next day).  Oh hell!  The room was so electric, within 15 minutes we were all over each other.  Do I regret it?  Hmmmm......I'll have to think about that question when he pokes me awake tomorrow morning....lol

We've been inseperable since.  He's moved in with me (as his work is nearer to me) and there are absolutely no regrets.  Every rule broken.  Looking back, he could have been a sex offender or axe murderer.  And, I would always stress to any submissive "make sure you don't fall into a trap and get into playing on the first meet" and advise her/him to take all the safety precautions we know.

And, I'd never tell my kids, but the prude disappeared that night!


_____________________________


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

(in reply to PlayfulOne)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 2:02:47 PM   
johnnywacks


Posts: 21
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline 		I DO think that majority of the people that you will meet "in the lifestyle" are actually pretty sane and safe people.  But it doesn't take too many jerks, criminals and assholes to cause everybody to take caution.

My wife and I prefer to meet people at a BDSM parties or at Paddles in NYC.  I think that there is a difference between meeting people over the internet, and meeting people who are attending parties and clubs.  The clubs have a culture, and generally offer a "safe" place to play.  Since you tend to be surrounded by people who can intervene if things get out of hand.   

I think it was the second time we went to Paddles, my wife wanted to go "alone".  She wanted to walk in separate and have me to keep my distance, since there is nothing like having a guy hanging on to you to keep all the other men away.   And of course, if you ARE a single woman (of any age,shape, or size) and walk into a club that allows single men, you WILL receive attention.  At a place like that, it's easy pickin' for the women.

Now what's interesting, is that I had previously had a conversation with a woman there, who had played with many people in the scene.  She said that there ARE men  in the scene who really don't get it.  They seem FAR more interested in satisfying their own fantasies than really trying to emotionally and physically connect with another person.  So of course, she saw my wife talking to somebody that she had already had bad experiences with (and wasn't alone, there were other woman who also said he was a jerk).   When I had a chance, I came by and pass along the message to her.

Of course, my wife is no idiot.  She said she didn't even NEED the warning.  Her internal warning bells were already going off, 2 minutes into the conversation.   I think that its more proof that you just need to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.  I think that the clubs and the parties can be good places to interact with people, play a bit in a place that is "safe", and also ask around to see if the person has a reputation.  The club owners and party hosts spend a LOT of effort keeping these places as fun and safe as possible, otherwise they loose business.   They can be very good places to "meet" prospective people, since it offers a space in which to play safe, but also get a good physical and psychological read off of a person.

Of course, there is still a lot of America that doesn't have places like that to meet with people.  A lot of people are hooking up over the internet only and only have chat and email messages to go by.   When I talk to people at the clubs about the "alt.com" experiences, everybody says that it is SO MUCH harder to meet people over the internet.  The weirdos seem much more likely to NOT be in the "scene" in any way.  You have a lot people cheating on their spouse.  You also have a lot of people who are very interested in BDSM, but don't have a clue about safety, or good negotiation, or even what they heck they are doing. And you do have a small number of people who seem to be just trying to say ANYTHING, just to get you meet them in real-time. Not MOST of the people on there, but enough to make it frustrating.  I mean the internet is great, since it has encouraged many more people to come out and play (which makes it much easier to meet people).  But I would be a little more cautious of somebody who has NEVER been to a club or party.  

And to be honest, the only complaints I have heard (so far) about these bad internet hookups is NOT that they were harmed or damaged in any way.  It's mostly that they just had a totally awkward and weird experience that was totally unfulfilling, and were then left with the awkward job of "getting rid" of the guy.   And that sucks.

TRUST that voice inside.  It knows.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 2:49:03 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

I had a long standing rule of no play during the first meeting. I never wanted the excitement of meeting someone who shared my preferences to create a momentum which would lead into a false relationship based upon elementary physical attraction. After all, my goal was a long term relationship based upon emotional and mental compatibility being primary over physical desires and needs. I followed that rule for many meeting over a long period of time. Then I met beth...

After a few hours I broke ALL my rules! I was weak. beth overpowered me and got me 'drunk' on her personality and charms. Ultimately she seduced me, took advantage or my weakness, and had her way with me. Or was it me of her? I still respected myself in the morning and have for each of the mornings waking up next to her since that day over 3 years ago.

I'm still adamant about recommending against playing and physical intimacy during the first meeting, but site myself as a hypocritical exception to the best intentions.



I think that is just what sometimes happens, when it is right the rules go outthe window!

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 3:38:13 PM   
subrob1967


Posts: 4591
Joined: 9/13/2004
Status: offline 		Our first meeting was at a munch, and we really didn't get to talk very much, they had to leave early, and I arrived late. After a couple of weeks of emailing, and phone conversations, they decided to extend a weekend invitation, strictly vanilla, to test our compatibility. Since my availibility was quite fluid, I managed to find myself with a five day weekend, starting on wednesday. Both Karen and Holly agreed to extend our weekend to five days.

We didn't play, since Karen was getting over a case of mono, but Holly did agree to some light bondage, and masturbation on sunday evening.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 4:06:12 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

CrappyDom, I can see where the scenario you painted would be very hot.  I've had such offers but in the end my sense of self preservation won out over the idea of doing it. 


Here's what you do...Talk to a friend that you trust, and see if they know anyone that can be employed into a scene like this. I have done this several times with a domme friend of mine. She sets up a play scene with dominant or switch men that she knows, (she always participates, or stays near as a voyeur, that way I don't pass out from nerves! LOL) and I always have an awesome time.

Some of them I never see even after the fact. We'll keep the blindfold in place until after he leaves. One of my favourites was when she played slave seller, and let someone test drive me, before deciding to buy.

I usually become a basket case of nerves just before, and end up on an endorphin high for days after. Great way to do the stranger fantasy.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 4:14:27 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		As for playing on the first meet...Yes, I have. (But, only when there was a bit of a distance between us, and only with safecalls, and plenty of phone conversations.) I've been fortunate, and not had anything to regret from these encounters, but I'm not sure I'll do that ever again. I just feel now that waiting a bit tells me more about the dom's charactor.

Now, I never allow myself to go into a meeting with either of us expecting that we might play. I clearly state that we won't play. I find that if a dominant is unhappy with the idea of meeting me with no guarantees of play, then that's a sign of his charactor. Any sign of pressuring me, gets him a Thanks, but no thanks. Nice meeting ya!

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 4:32:23 PM   
MistressJeanne


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/4/2005
Status: offline 		To Knight of Mists,
 
Yes, she was lucky.  And I am not promoting fear.  People need to be careful.  There are alot of crazies out there who could hurt you and people need to be aware of it.  Personally, I think that a person who would play on the 1st meeting would not be the type of person I would want to be involved with.  Good judgement, character, able to control your urges, etc. are important factors. 

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 4:37:46 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExistentialSteel

It is a common psychological mechanism that making someone wait for something makes them want it more.


LOL I think you are both very right. As ES said, making people wait for something really does tend to wet their appetite. I know this ploy does have an affect on me. It seems to draw some of the power out my hands; always an aphrodisiac for this sub.

But, as E. says, human nature being what it is, many people give in to the urge and impulse.

I think when a dominant delays (within reason) the progression of things, it tends to make me feel that he has a lot of self-control. That's a yummy thing to spot in a dom.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to ExistentialSteel)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 5:07:51 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		For the most part the greatest thing most people have to face in the way of "problems" is boredom and revulsion.  Yes things happen, but for all the scare stories, how many of those happened to people who were part of an actual real world S&M scene?  Most were people with little or no experience other than perhaps online.

I have talked any number of women into meeting me naked and blindfolded and they are all still alive.  I will admit I would advice a woman not to do it with anyone other than me though.

But as someone mentioned, doing the above as a mindfuck with an unknown play partner and a known observer or some similar trick is a great way to combine the hotness of doing that with the safety of an observer.  I once met a guy (who I ran into years later and are now best friends with) who was trying to fulfill his wife's S&M fantasy.  She had only played online so was pretty naive.  We concocted a story where he was bringing her to a secret slave auction and I was going to "preview" the goods.  He brought her to my place naked under her raincoat as well as blindfolded and I put her through her paces for a while before we took off her blindfold and both took full advantage of her.

However, playing on the first date is a very bad idea, as is having that second helping of really Divine cheesecake.

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 5:09:18 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Empress,

Okay, sorry about that, I reread it thinking I must have read it wrong and I guess I should have done it a few more times!

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 5:28:56 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

But as someone mentioned, doing the above as a mindfuck with an unknown play partner and a known observer or some similar trick is a great way to combine the hotness of doing that with the safety of an observer. 


Yes, as I said, this scenario is excellent because it combines safety with the unknown factor. It also lends itself, as you say, to many different fantasies.

I've had the house visit from the doctor, been the blindfolded birthday gift from a wife to her husband, been test-driven at a slave auction...and many other scenes as well.

You're only limited by your imagination, and the kinkiness of your circle of friends. One more great reason to get to a munch. The more you know the greater the odds you'll find people eager to share your fantasies.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 60
Page:   <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Playing on the 1st meeting Page: <<   < prev  1 2 [3] 4 5   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.125