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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:33:21 AM

twicehappy

Posts: 2706
Joined: 2/5/2006
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I too am an advocate of not doing anything on the first meeting. That being said i did do it once.

I got off the plane, met this dom/domme couple for the first time, we drove back to their house which took about an hour. They had decided to order pizza for dinner that night guessing i'd be too tired to go out.

The dom offered me a tour of the house while we waited, it is a huge house, i saw 1/2 of the downstairs, the office, the master bedroom, back out to the office and......., back to the bedroom. I had been in the house maybe a half an hour before we were at it like a couple of cats in heat.

How did it work out?

Lol, i am in their collar and wearing their tattoo.

(this was a first for Scooter too)

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Post #: 21

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:39:05 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with playing the first time someone meets. However, there is some inherent risks that come with playing on a first meet. I believe if someone is conscious of these risks and accept the consequences of their choice, it really is not such a bad thing.

Quite so. I have done so on a number of occassions. Each time there has been no expectation of playing on the first meeting, plans made to ensure the option of everything being SSC was there..... but with the right person, things just click into place. BOTH people not only feel comfortable in moving forward but activly want to and accept that the risks are limited and worth taking.

"Don't plan to play on the first meet" is a very sensible guideline, but line most things in life it should stay as a guildline and not be a totaly inflexable 'rule'. If there is going to be a rule about play at any stage IMO it should be "It starts when BOTH people are comfortable, if either are not comfortable and the other trys pressurising.... RUN!"

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 22

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:42:52 AM

lisa1978

Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

Lucky Albatross, I appreciate your honesty. I think playing on a first is fairly common but many people are afraid to state they have done it. It seems like all those who would warn you and tell you how unsafe it is come flying out of the woodwork. Maybe this goes more with RACK than SSC.

I knew the risks even the first time out of the chute. What I counted on was my own brain and sense of judgement. What was a bit scary the morning after was that no matter how good it had been it was also a lot like being taken to an alien planet and suddenly being plopped back into this one. While we had discussed what went on and the desire to continue he had a number of years of experience and had lost that sense of OMG that a novice experiences. It also seems like doms, probably given the fact that they control what happens, often don't feel that "what if" thing as much.

I agree with this. I think many of us have played sometimes on the first date. Just like many of us have had one night stands or sex on the first date. It just happens. I am sure collectively we all have good and bad stories. I just think like one night stands it is not something we like to admit to other people because it does sound stupid and dangerous just from the abstract facts.

I think it is very smart to not plan, want or expect to play the first time you meet someone and have your radar tuned in to see if the other person is from the start trying to push that agenda. At the same time though, somethings can be just so natural that things can happen. Just know yourself, be very careful and temper your excitement.

_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 23

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:47:29 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I've never played on a first meet. For me, it has less to do with safety than a personal morality. I'm just not comfortable playing or having sex right off the bat.

Does play mean sex necessarily? Not all scenes require someone gets laid. I guess some people would consider that sex too though

I believe that "play" is inherently sexual and far more intimate than fucking.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 24

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 8:29:10 AM

Calandra

Posts: 725
Joined: 11/22/2004
Status: offline

I've played on a first meeting many many many times...

I was pro for five years out of my home... I always had a friend or my slave cubby in the other end of the house reading or spending free time. A simple call to them and I'd have them in there in no time. - Interestingly enough, I never needed to call out.

I also play privately sometimes on the first visit. I have a poly household and safety is "built in".

Since I have a huge list of references, I also try to make sure that anyone who does wish to scene with me is able to know about me, my style, and feel comfortable.

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 25

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 8:48:03 AM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

I think you should do what ever feels right for you at that time. Some ppl I've met in person that I thought were great when talking online, then decided there was no way I'd play with them. Some actually scared the living begeezus out of me on meeting.

There have been a couple where, when I met them in public I had no intention of playing with them when I agreed to meet, but after meeting them and talking to them, that when invited, I did infact go along for the ride *eg*

People need to trust their intuition. We are such a fearful society these days and it's terribly limiting. I'm not saying go out and be foolish but you should be able to trust your own feelings.

People go home with strangers from the bar every day. I personally do not, to much of an ick factor. But if you've been talking to someone via phone, e-mail, or IM for a while and there is a connection there. Then when you meet you find the connection is still there or stronger I see nothing wrong with going home with them if invited.

Life is a series of calculated risks.

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Post #: 26

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 8:56:03 AM

SmokeyM

Posts: 120
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

I don't think there is anything wrong with playing on a first meet. It does however have some risks, but honestly doesn't playing in general have some sort of risk. You try to keep everything safe as possible, as it was said in other posts. Keep a safety net, safety calls and so on. One thing as a Top when I do play first, I don't play heavy. That is my only rule for myself.
~ Smokey

(in reply to akisha)

Post #: 27

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 8:56:51 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

How many of you have played straight off if the chemistry is there?

Have done it before, and most probably will again.

quote:

How did it work for you?

Worked out very well.

quote:

What were some of the factors in your decision?

If I feel like playing with a certain person, and that feeling is returned; why not. I am an adult, able to make my own decisions.

quote:

Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?

I have never once regretted any decision I ever made to play with someone.

Important to note though, that for me, it's not always sexual. I don't have sex with everyone I play with. For me, it's about the pain, and that's it.
Now, if I was sexually attracted, and the feelings were returned, I would not play and have sex with someone on the first meet, unless I knew them already from around the area that I live in.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 28

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 8:57:08 AM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

II have been in 3 long term relationships in my life. In discussing this subject with those men, who were looking for a relationship and not just a roll in the hay....they all said that had I been the type of woman who would immediately give myself to them....I wouldn't have even gotten a second date.

This is a lot of why I don't have much desire to repeat the play 1st time thing. I'm not seeking someone just to play or fuck on a one time basis. I want a connection with someone. Bdsm doesn't work for me outside that setting.

With my first dom we both knew immediately that the male/female attraction wasn't there for long term. We both got things we wanted. He the first steady play partner since moving to a new state. Me a safe and experienced dominant to explore with. We became good friends and still e-mail once in awhile 8 years later.

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 29

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 9:00:38 AM

missgiveNTake

Posts: 673
Joined: 3/22/2006
Status: offline

This thread is very interesting to me.. I believe strongly in following my "gut". However so far that has meant no first meetings. I can't say what I would do on a first meeting, but I know that I am looking for someone that goes to a first meeting without expectations. If they seem pushy on the phone I won't even meet them.

Maybe one of these days I will have a first meeting....

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Post #: 30

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 9:45:56 AM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

This is a spin off of another thread. It seems like most are anti play on a first and I'm one of those. However, I will admit that I did play with my first dom on the first meeting. Luckily it went well. I will admit to being naive at that point in time.

How many of you have played straight off if the chemistry is there? How did it work for you? What were some of the factors in your decision? Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?

I knew the morning after the first time that I wouldn't make that choice again. The experience was wonderful and we saw each other for close to a year after that, but I also realized how much differently it could have turned out. That drove my desire to get to know others in the lifestyle and that was no easy trick in rural KS 8 years ago.

As a Pro I do a lot of sessions on the first meet.
Most of the time there has been several chats before hand.
I may be Pro but you cant just go" hey I'm in town thursday can I session with you"...Those always get a No thank you.

Even when doing sessions on a private level I dont have to meet someone in person first.I have really good gut instincts and rely on them,get a bad feeling and I call it off.

So far I have had really good luck and only had a couple that slipped through the radar.Personally I dont think it matters play or not first meeting...what is meant to happen happens.

I do realize this can be risky,but meeting on My turf with plenty of clubs at hand,
most have been more afraid of Me than I am them.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 31

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 9:54:07 AM

alovelypet

Posts: 35
Joined: 4/1/2004
Status: offline

i think many of us have played on the first meet, even though we preach that you should never do that. i do know that bad things can happen. i just believe that this is in the minority. And to be honest, that bad scene probably would have happened no matter how many times you had met prior. A person that would not respect limits or who is not able to read the reactions of the bottom, probably has no clue as to what the lifestyle is all about to begin with.

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(in reply to twicehappy)

Post #: 32

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 10:00:17 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

And as a cautionary tale:

A little over 6 years years, here in Southern California.....

There was a man labeling himself as a Dom. He hung out in our chatroom, which was a group where most of us knew each other in real life. He would meet the submissive women at a coffee shop. After a little while, he would try to talk them into "playing". If they were resistant to that, he would tell them that he had a puppy in the car and he needed to go check on it. Would they like to come and see the puppy?

This man raped and beat 8 women in 6 months. One woman he fisted while wearing a ring and no gloves requiring 52 stitches. Her face had been beaten until she was unrecognizable. She was in the hospital for weeks, very nearly beaten to death.

These women resisted pressing charges, afraid of the treatment they would receive from law enforcement. After all, the consented to play, right? So, in effect, it perpetuated itself over and over because it wasn't talked about. Finally, one woman did press charges. It took months of encouragement for us to get the woman described above to testify against him. It turns out he was just out of prison on parole for rape charges and this was his third strike. He went away for life.

The side effect of this was that we had police officers coming into our chatroom and coming to our socials gathering information. We had the name of our chatroom named in an LA Times article. It was more exposure than many were comfortable with.

Does stuff like this happen every day? Nope, but if it happens once, it's more than enough.

Common sense will keep most people safe. But, the key is that you actually have to use it for it to work.

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/19/2006 10:02:40 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MistressSassy66)

Post #: 33

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 10:18:14 AM

Bearlee

Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline

Once I accompanied a Dom and his slave to a dinner party of like-minded people. I’d played with this Dom before…and was tickled to be meeting both a chef and another Dom…as at the time I was very new.

There were two women friends there with this other Dom, plus the couple I came with; making 2 male Dominant and 4 female submissives. It was agreed before this meeting that after dinner we would go to the local Dungeon/club to play.

And…I did play with the other Dominant…along with the rest of the dinner party! LOL It was quite non-sexual, at a club where I had come to feel quite safe, AND in the company of a good friend who I knew wouldn’t allow harm to come to anybody. (He is one of the club’s DungeonMasters)

It is under circumstances like that that I will play on a ‘first date’…though usually I do not. When I meet a person for the first time, on my own (not through benefit of mutual friends), I prefer to get to know them and meet a time or two even before we go to this somewhat ‘public’ venue…where, as I said, I have no problems playing.

Still…I’m quite sure I’d not meet a person, have lunch and follow them back to some motel room for play (or sex).

MOO, MNSHO; YMMV
beverly

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 34

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 10:22:01 AM

Proprietrix

Posts: 756
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Ohio/West Virginia
Status: offline

I veer away from playing on a first meet. It really has little to do with safety though. It’s more along the lines of "I simply don’t know you well enough to determine if there’s any energy here." Most of my play partners are people that I got to know before I ever really thought about playing with them. They were folks I had gotten to know at munches and then 3 months later at a play party someone said "Hey, will you try that on me."
Or they were people in my vanilla life who knew me pretty well and asked to experience that "S&M thing you get into" with them.
Now, this isn’t to say I have never done it.
When I was Proing, it was par for the course to play on first meet. Honestly though, there were no emotions with it. It was a contractual business agreement. Not fulfilling at all.
On a casual level, I met a guy at a BDSM weekend event once. I happened to be sitting next to him watching someone else’s scene, and we chit-chatted. The next morning we went for a walk in the woods that ended up 4 hours longer than planned. That night when the dungeon opened we had one of the most awesome blood scenes I have ever experienced.
Looking back on that, the scene – majestic!
But sometimes I wish I had gotten to know him better. Then it wouldn’t have been a "one-night stand" and I could look forward to experiencing that level of play again in the future. I don’t even know how to contact the guy now.
My stance now is that I don’t ever plan or anticipate or expect or demand or even suggest play on a first meet.

_____________________________

IMO, IMHO, YMMV, AFAIK, to me, I see it as, from my perspective, it's been my experience, I only speak for myself, (and all other disclaimers here).

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 35

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 10:24:24 AM

Emperor1956

Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

I find it interesting that in answering this question, virtually every poster has said "but of course we chatted online first" (or has a similar experience). How does that tie into the long long thread about the "reality" of online, hmmmmm?

In a few other thoughts:

Thank you OSide Girl, for the cautionary tale. While I think it is wonderful that so many people have a "hearts and flowers" story about how wonderful the first time play went, in fact there are dangerous predators. In the Chicago area we have one -- while he has not physically damaged a girl to the extent OSide describes, he has emotionally damaged several "newbies", and has been banned from many venues. I still get angry running across his victims.

Existential Steel said

quote:

For Doms, there is a psychological tenet that if you make her wait, she is going to want it more. That is one reason not to play with a sub the first time. She may go in with a preconceived notion that you will want to push her to play and when that doesn't happen, she will feel it which will add to her desire.

It seem superfluous, but I have to add to this, ONLY SOME Doms, maybe. I doubt many Dominants think this way, and frankly I think this sort of thinking is...well...fucked (having a teenager around sometimes does add to the vocab.)

Finally, so as not to just chaff up the thread, yes I've sessioned with submissives on first meeting. Never "cold" (i.e. without some internet chat and sometimes, a long prelude of in-person talk). It has generally worked out delightfully, for both parties (so I'm told). But I consider myself either lucky, as some put it, or experienced, as LA puts it. Or maybe I'm both.

E.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to sharainks)

Post #: 36

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 10:34:02 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

II have been in 3 long term relationships in my life. In discussing this subject with those men, who were looking for a relationship and not just a roll in the hay....they all said that had I been the type of woman who would immediately give myself to them....I wouldn't have even gotten a second date.

This is a lot of why I don't have much desire to repeat the play 1st time thing. I'm not seeking someone just to play or fuck on a one time basis. I want a connection with someone. Bdsm doesn't work for me outside that setting.

With my first dom we both knew immediately that the male/female attraction wasn't there for long term. We both got things we wanted. He the first steady play partner since moving to a new state. Me a safe and experienced dominant to explore with. We became good friends and still e-mail once in awhile 8 years later.

Not all men are like the ones discussed in Erin's post. Most men I date I never had any sort of sex with, the two most long lasting relationships I had (one leading to marriage) I had sex either on the first or second date... it is no guarantee of success to wait for a commitment. Personally I like sex too much to await a commitment from someone, but I do not have sex unless I like the person enough to pursue one. Personally a man that would have sex with a woman and then think she wasnt good enough to keep isnt one I would want anyways... I find men that have sex with women they do not respect do not respect themselves... but that is just my experience and not everyone else's...

_____________________________

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Post #: 37

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 10:37:45 AM

ExistentialSteel

Posts: 676
Joined: 1/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Emperor1956
Existential Steel said
quote:

For Doms, there is a psychological tenet that if you make her wait, she is going to want it more. That is one reason not to play with a sub the first time. She may go in with a preconceived notion that you will want to push her to play and when that doesn't happen, she will feel it which will add to her desire.

It seem superfluous, but I have to add to this, ONLY SOME Doms, maybe. I doubt many Dominants think this way, and frankly I think this sort of thinking is...well...fucked (having a teenager around sometimes does add to the vocab.)

Well fucked up back at ya. But seriously, I do think making a sub wait works wonders. I'm not saying I've never played on the first meeting, but I do think showing surprising restraint is a real tool.. Like you say, many Doms do this so there must be something to it.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 38

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 10:56:13 AM

PlayfulOne

Posts: 1047
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

Lucky? or just smart enough to see a good opportunity and take advantage of it. I think the latter is more likely.

There is a big difference of promoting safety.... compared to promoting fear to keep one safe.

I couldn't agree with you more, I find too many people who look at things from fear or a negative viewpoint.

We broke every rule anyone would want to imagine. We exchanged our first emails on a Sat, started chatting in im Sun. Tuesday night, she just popped out with "Do you want to come over", I had somehting to od that I just could not get out of. We chatteed Wed, and Thurs I remarked if the offer had been made tonight I would be on the way, she answered its still open. We met at her place, no safe calls, no net, we played together that night and we have been inseperable ever since. That was 7 months ago. I still can't believe thats how things went, hell she still can't believe she just up and invited me over. When I ask her why she did that, she still says I don't know just that every instinct in my body was telling me to run with it.

I wouldn't advice anyone else to repeat the above scenario but it worked for us. We both do most things on gut instinct.

K

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 39

RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 10:57:30 AM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Emperor,

You chastised someone for "manipulating" a submissive...are you serious?

quote:

It seem superfluous, but I have to add to this, ONLY SOME Doms, maybe. I doubt many Dominants think this way, and frankly I think this sort of thinking is...well...fucked (having a teenager around sometimes does add to the vocab.)

Are you saying you never think of the psychological implications of what you do, in the sense of using them to build anticipation or manipulate a submissive?

Railing against doing so with negative intentions is one thing, but then it isn't the act of manipulating you have an issue with it is the motive.

Interested in your thoughts on this.

(in reply to Emperor1956)

Post #: 40

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