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RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 5:39:15 PM   
KennelDeSade2


Posts: 210
Joined: 9/19/2004
Status: offline
quote:

: Random

That's the difference between me and someone who should NOT play on the first time- I'm more than comfortable saying no and I have good judgement.

But almost every does it anyway and as long as people are using their good judgement, it's the choice. 



Every time the subject comes up, all are against playing on the first meet, and of the folks I have first hand knowledge, I can think of nobody who hasn't done so at one time or another.  Most, do so most of the time.  Most also say it's something they almost never do.  At least, that is what they say in large groups.

Me, I've never played with anybody I've known less than five minutes.



_____________________________

Rules? Just one: I say, she does.
Everything else, is just details.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 61
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 6:56:51 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		How many of you have played straight off if the chemistry is there? 

I have.

How did it work for you? 

The way it works when I sleep with someone on the first date.  Sometimes fantastic and nothing comes of it.  Sometimes fantastic and a longer term relationship may develop. Sometimes so-so. 

Once I got into a bad situation in a hotel room -- something that started out fun but took an ugly turn.  And guess what...it was a vanilla guy that was introduced to me through a mutual friend. No bdsm, no online meeting.

What were some of the factors in your decision? 

I am a big good-vibe, bad-vibe person. It also depends on my mood, the opportunity, how it might impact other people, and what I want.

Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?

I have never felt like it messed up what might have worked.  There are times I have regretting not taking an opportunity when it was presented though.

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 62
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:01:57 PM   
Emperor1956


Posts: 2370
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline
quote:

CrappyDom:  Yes things happen, but for all the scare stories, how many of those happened to people who were part of an actual real world S&M scene?  Most were people with little or no experience other than perhaps online.



Two points.  First, I know of no fewer than five women in my little world here in Chicago who had bad first time real life experiences -- NOT just boredom or distaste -- and all five were "part of an actual real world S&M scene."  Do not dismiss the danger or demean these women.

Second, you are coming perilously close to blaming the rape victim for the rape.  Is that really where you want to go, here?

E.

If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

_____________________________

"When you wake up, Pooh," said Piglet, "what's the first thing you say?"
"What's for breakfast? What do you say, Piglet?"
"I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?"
Pooh nodded thoughtfully.
"It's the same thing," he said.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:14:55 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		My former dom knew two subs that had troubles during scenes... one that was dumped off at an emergency room and left after a bad fisting experiment (she had dated this guy only a few weeks, not a first meeting), and another that met someone for the first time and he broke some bones and landed her in the hospital. It DOES happen.

Some people have bad intuition. Some people have bad luck. Some people don't. There are things one can do to make it safer for themselves, but as someone said earlier.. it is probably more a case of RACK than SSC. You are taking a risk, and until the study comes out that shows it is more risky than drinking and driving, I bet a lot of people are going to do it. It doesnt make it right, but there is a reason they used to stone people for having sex, there were always those willing to take a risk to get a little (or a lot).

Most women that get raped are raped by someone they know, and they are usually on a date... food for thought there

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 64
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 7:52:42 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		The S&M scene in Chicago is pretty huge so 5 out of a pool of how many?  How many of the women in that scene do you think have been raped?  Which is the bigger risk?

As for blaming the victim, give me a break.  There is a vast difference between saying someone is an idiot for playing with fire and blaming victims. 

< Message edited by CrappyDom -- 6/19/2006 7:53:35 PM >

(in reply to Emperor1956)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 8:26:59 PM   
Entrancer


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		I have played on the first meeting once.  We had “met” online and exchanged a few emails over a week or two.  We met at a bar for an evening of dancing.  The “chemistry” was there.  I thought she had the most perfect “attitude” for a sub I had ever encountered (I still do).  About halfway through the evening, during a slow dance, she whispered in my ear that I could do anything I wanted to with her, and she was trusting me to decide what was right.  Generally, I prefer to err on the side of caution, so I wasn’t inclined to do anything that evening.  However, in the parking lot, she asked me if I wanted to follow her back home.  It was a spur-of-the-moment decision (and no, I wasn’t drunk…I had to drive home!).
 
How did it work for me?  Well, that evening went fine, for both of us.  However, after about 6 dates, I came to the reluctant conclusion that things weren’t going to work out.  Normally, I would have given it a bit more time, but she was starting to become very emotionally attached, and I felt it was kinder to end it there than waiting to “be sure.”
 
In retrospect, I think it was a “good move at the time” because if we had waited, she would have become even more attached, and I wouldn’t have discovered the problems until later, so I think the end would have been more difficult for her.
 
Ultimately, it is a matter of judgment when/whether the first play session should be.  Or, put another way…how much do you trust yourself and your instincts?  Safety is of paramount importance, but I think “safety issues” are somewhat of a red herring here.  Stop and think about it for a minute.  Safety issues can crop up at any time, and you can take the same precautions for the first meeting as any other time (telephone arrangements with a friend, asking for ID, etc. etc).  Yes, the more you interact with someone, the more likely it is you will spot any red flags.  But there is no guarantee that someone you have interacted with for 2 years won’t pose a “safety issue” during the first session, or 300th session…the danger is always there; the odds just go down each time it doesn’t happen. 
 
From my experience, people into BDSM are generally more intelligent, mature, responsible and “sane” than the general populace.  (Hmmm…)  Maybe I missed something, but I don’t remember yet seeing a single post where someone reported a personal bad experience.  Only anecdotal stories of what happened to others.  I agree with all of the posts that distinguish safety with fears.  Let’s face it…physically submitting to another person will always carry some inherent element of danger.  So does starting the car and driving to work every morning.  At some point, you either have to trust your instincts, or walk away.  Whether that is sometime during the first meeting, the 3rd meeting, or the 300th meeting depends a great deal on your self-confidence.  Experience can bolster self-confidence.  But the best advice I could give to someone is to trust their instincts.  You shouldn’t be playing with someone unless you have a high level of trust in them anyway.  Let that level of trust you feel be the guide, not an arbitrary amount of time.  And if someone pressures you…well, that should be a red flag.

_____________________________

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-Buckaroo Banzai

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 8:39:21 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear sharainks, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I really am guided by my instincts.  Sometimes, I find someone wishing to play right away as they were in an auction for fund raising. So, I feel they paid for play and need to fill that bargain.  I usually buy a novice or beginner and use it at an opportunity to give them what I call a "Whitman's Sampler," which is more educational than a scene but, feel the wide selection of goodies I have in my toy bags.
 
I prefer not playing right off the bat.  I usually meet potential scene slaves, submissives and or bottoms in a neutral spot, such as a take-out place or somewhere that we both can feel safe in.  Then, once we meet at the public dungeon, we can play there.  Having many witnesses there it provides a safe place for us both. 
 
If I am presented with a recommendation by an individual I know and or know their reputation, skills and such; that will be a different manner of approach and chat with the referral and get an idea what the lad/lass is looking for in a scene and or relationship.
 
One thing I must mention.  As a female dominant, that does not prevent us as women from getting into harms way.  It is very easy for submissive men to turn the tables on dominant women so, that needs to be kept in mind.  In addition, those meeting at hotels, motels and or private spots; increase the risk.  There are cases where men have been robbed and assaulted, so it really isn't an all woman concern but, a concern when meeting strangers.  This is why I prefer to meet at public dungeons or a well attended private party.
 
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 9:31:58 PM   
ZenDragoness


Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
Status: offline 		We played on our first meeting, after we went to a hotel and had both no safecalls in place.

We fell in love via the internet, switched to the phone after 2  hours and met after more than seven months.

All went well, we were not young and we were not stupid. We never exchanged photos, we meet on the train station by description.

5 years after our first meeting we live as a married couple together. Everything was right the way it was, i would do it all again in exactly the same way.

ZD


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aka Morgaine289

http://goldenerkern.blogspot.com/

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 9:54:49 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Wow you did everything "wrong!!"  Online relationship, hotel the first meet, no safe calls, no pictures...

This is tongue and cheek, so you know.  Do you know how many "rules" you broke? 

Great post, and I loved reading it.  :)

(in reply to ZenDragoness)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/19/2006 11:48:59 PM   
wetrope


Posts: 117
Joined: 8/9/2004
From: GATINEAU, PQ
Status: offline 		Yes have done it, but mostly talked through things which were not discussed earlier.  It was a first time for me, it was exciting, scary, but turned out great, now 4 years later.  It was a playtime though, if only brief, more of a learning time. 

I would not necessarily recommend it, unless you know yourself awfully well.  If you can say no and yes and mean it.  But there are a lot of creeps out there, and you can never be sure so I would not recommend it.

_____________________________

Wetrope

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 1:47:54 AM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

This is a spin off of another thread.  It seems like most are anti play on a first and I'm one of those.  However, I will admit that I did play with my first dom on the first meeting.  Luckily it went well.  I will admit to being naive at that point in time.

How many of you have played straight off if the chemistry is there?  How did it work for you?  What were some of the factors in your decision?  Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?



I have generally had a pretty firm rule that I do not play or have sex with the person on the first meeting.

I broke this about 6 months ago, and discovered that I had unleashed the genie (aka PsychoStalkerBitchFromHell) and realized this was my own fault.

I had a couple of meetings where I was not interested in the person I met.

I met somebody for breakfast at IHOP (her choice, go figure) after a 5 hour drive to get there.  We did not technically play, choosing instead to wander off up to the high Sierra mountains and go hiking.

Pine trees, mountain brooks, Bambi, eventually led to the foregone conclusion.  I did not insist on it, but I did suddenly discover her on her knees with my 501s unbuttoned.  I was dubious, but I decided to let Mr. Tiny have his fun.  If the river doesnt rise, Mr. Tiny will have more fun later this week when she comes down to see me.

So the score is 1 bad, 1 good.

Sometimes things work.  Sometimes things dont work.  But I personally am going to keep to the idea that I dont play or have
sex on the first meeting.

Just me, could be wrong, etc.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 71
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 3:15:23 AM   
Kedikat


Posts: 680
Joined: 4/20/2006
Status: offline 		I have played on first meeting with 3. I have not played at all with others I have met.
The 3 were very nice play sessions. All were repeated. All were after a lot of chats, phone talking. All were very likely. The ones that I did not play with on first meeting, never did develop to play, and I felt that would be the case before meeting.

The meeting and playing was great. But even though there was some depth to all of the relations, the realities did not pan out. The play was a wonderful release. A bit of closeness and passion that was fantastic, even if not to be forever.

All that I played with are still friendly. Possibly we will again seek out each other for moments of passion and open closeness.

It isn't right or wrong to be that close on a first meeting. It can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally. You have to use careful judgement. Have information and accountability. Trackability in case you need it. Real names, numbers etc.....safe call etc...

You have to be mindful of the others heart. The hardest thing to know, is if you will break it. Or if yours will be.




< Message edited by Kedikat -- 6/20/2006 3:16:24 AM >

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 72
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 4:03:53 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		Before I was married, I had a hard rule of no play on a first meeting. I broke not only that rule, but the no sex on a first date rule the night I met my husband. It was the best first scene I've ever had! We played first in a public dungeon, then retired to a hotel when that closed. Sometimes, when the person is right, even a hard and fast rule goes out the window. *grins* As for your question "Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?" We've just celebrated our first wedding anniversary.

I do agree with those who say that playing with a stranger has the possibility of being dangerous. You run the risk not only of meeting Norman Bates or Jeffrey Dahmer, but of ending up at the mercy of someone who has no experience and is going to gain it on your helpless body, leaving you scarred or broken. That isn't the reason I had my rule in place. I feel I am a reasonable adult who can safely choose a sex/BDSM partner. I trust my sense of judgement about people. And in the event I found myself wrong, I am very capable of taking care of myself physically. (And yes, I actually had to do so once. I still feel that playing on a first meet- with precautions- is not the height of foolishness that many in the Lifestyle find it.)

 I started out being willing to play with someone on a first meet. A lot of people will play with you, even if there isn't the chemistry to ever do so again, just to get a fix.  My rule was instituted because I hate being used as a service top, not because I once had to fend off a "sub" to avoid being raped. (Hell, I've had to fend off vanilla dates to avoid being raped before!) I was looking for someone for long term submission. If you only are in BDSM for the thrill and who is doing it to you doesn't matter, I don't see why not - with proper precautions- play on a first meet. You just need to do so with your eyes open to the dangers, do your best to counter them and accept the risk that something might go bad. There is risk in going to dinner with that cute guy from the mall who asked for your number. There is risk in driving your car. You're the only person who can say what level of risk is acceptable in your life.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 73
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 5:57:52 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
I met somebody for breakfast at IHOP (her choice, go figure)

I love IHOP :)

WhenI lived in NJ, there was a Chi-Chi's about 15 minutes away from me (OK there was just about every chain restaurant you could think of within 15 minutes of me) and somehow it became the "place I date people who won't work out."  I didn't PLAN on it, it just happened that whoever I took there, ended up being someone who didn't really work out in the long term.

So I refused to take certain people there even though I really liked their food.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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Profile   Post #: 74
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 6:12:20 AM   
kimba1


Posts: 46
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

How many of you have played straight off if the chemistry is there?  How did it work for you?  What were some of the factors in your decision?  Do you feel that it was a good move at the time or did it mess up what might have worked had you known each other better?



Played first time we met after falling for each other heavily via long distance for weeks. And we played. And played. *grins*
It was so much better even than i ever could have expected.
Safety had already been addressed, everything was planned (to some extent).
It was absolutely the right move -- i wouldn't change a thing! and we are together still ... smiles ....

_____________________________

“. . . there was about him a suggestion of lurking ferocity, as though the Wild still lingered in him and the Wolf in him merely slept.” Jack London

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 6:16:27 AM   
BBBTBW


Posts: 836
Joined: 5/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sharainks

Lucky Albatross, I appreciate your honesty.  I think playing on a first is fairly common but many people are afraid to state they have done it.  It seems like all those who would warn you and tell you how unsafe it is come flying out of the woodwork.   Maybe this goes more with RACK than SSC. 

I knew the risks even the first time out of the chute.  What I counted on was my own brain and sense of judgement.  What was a bit scary the morning after was that no matter how good it had been it was also a lot like being taken to an alien planet and suddenly being plopped back into this one.  While we had discussed what went on and the desire to continue he had a number of years of experience and had lost that sense of OMG that a novice experiences.  It also seems like doms, probably given the fact that they control what happens, often don't feel that "what if" thing as much.




I know that most of the postings here on the boards are done by female subs/slaves.  However, I am a DOMINANT and I haven to say that as a DOMINANT I do feel the "what if" thing.  Just as many things can go wrong on our side as on yours.  I have never played on a first meet because I need to know someone first.  We as DOMINANTS can be accused of many things from a sub when things go bad, Abuse, Rape and the list goes on.  I would caution anyone against playing on a first meeting.  If they are someone worth having an experience with, they will be back for a second meeting.   If not..you are better off. 

Ms Loren

_____________________________

"You keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means" -- Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

(in reply to sharainks)
Profile   Post #: 76
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 7:07:53 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Personal accountability and personal responsibility isn't only for 'vanilla' meetings. The representation that someone is a 'master' or 'dom' just because they say so on a on-line profile should have the same meaning as if someone says they have beach house in Malibu on a 'vanilla' dating site. Somehow, because of what they've read on-line, people naively trust a person and believe their self represented experience level. Lifestyle dating sites are more susceptible to predators because inherent to the relationship desired, the inexperienced can be manipulated to believe questioning a 'master' is not appropriate. More foreployers and players seeking only physical contact are here because they know they can take advantage of that nuance.

Of course showing up at the meeting with a plastic bag from K-Mart containing plastic wrapped clothesline and a bag of clothespins, as beth's first on-line 'master' did, is a dead giveaway. Unsaid from my previous post regarding our 1st meeting was the fact that I provided her my name, my business, my address, and any other personal information she asked and some she didn't. In her case she didn't even know what to ask so I counseled her regarding safe calls and code words and such. Even the concept of a safe call doesn't insure safety. Everyone expects a safe call, but within the safe call conversation should be code words indicating a range from 'all is well' to 'call me back in an hour' to 'come and get me quick!'; without the other person aware.

When we finally came up for air and went to dinner that first night, I chastised beth and chided myself regarding the lack of good judgment in getting intimate so soon. I gave her all my worst case stories of why it wasn't such a good idea for relationship issues as well as safety. Yet after a nice re-fueling dinner at McClintock's in Shell Beach, we went back to our hotel room in Pismo and did all those wrong things over and over again. I told her I'd have to turn into a psycho killer the next time.

(in reply to BBBTBW)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 7:19:26 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Mmmmm I love McKlintock's at Shell Beach.....(sorry, had to salivate over that)

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 78
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 7:41:01 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
I met somebody for breakfast at IHOP (her choice, go figure)

I love IHOP :)

WhenI lived in NJ, there was a Chi-Chi's about 15 minutes away from me (OK there was just about every chain restaurant you could think of within 15 minutes of me) and somehow it became the "place I date people who won't work out."  I didn't PLAN on it, it just happened that whoever I took there, ended up being someone who didn't really work out in the long term.

So I refused to take certain people there even though I really liked their food.


Thanks for sticking up for my choice, I find their food quite tasty. Usually I pick Starbucks, but some people insist on actually eating.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: Playing on the 1st meeting - 6/20/2006 9:25:37 AM   
ZenDragoness


Posts: 372
Joined: 1/21/2006
From: Berlin/Germany
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

Wow you did everything "wrong!!"  Online relationship, hotel the first meet, no safe calls, no pictures...

This is tongue and cheek, so you know.  Do you know how many "rules" you broke? 

/ZD
Thank you ownedgirlie, concerning the "rules", i have always thought nearly all:-).
ZD\
Great post, and I loved reading it.  :)


< Message edited by ZenDragoness -- 6/20/2006 9:27:02 AM >

_____________________________

aka Morgaine289

http://goldenerkern.blogspot.com/

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Profile   Post #: 80
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