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RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:41:42 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subspecialist

rs,
You have quite obviously NOT EVER been in the situation under discussion here. Therefore, it is quite inappropriate for you to comment, much less judge anyone here.
~s

LMAO, and here I thought this was an open forum where all could post an opinion. I guess the part I quoted above is in the fine print of the TOS about posting.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to subspecialist)

Post #: 161

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:53:19 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

The sex gradually dwindled, over a period of five years: From twice a week, to once a month, to once every three months to every six months or so, to - nothing, ever. I never got the impression he couldn't live without it, or even liked it all that much. But I knew he was a heterosexual.

To clarify: It wasn't a lack of "tubesteak" that bothered me so much. Like incognito's husband, my husband seemed to have an aversion to - touching. He wouldn't hug me, kiss me and on the very rare occasions he did kiss me, he wiped my lipstick off his mouth like he was afraid he'd catch some disease. He had no need for any kind of affection whatsoever. He was never much of a conversationalist, and the combination was deadly to our marriage. But - Dedicated Dominantis right - it is over.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned before - because I was in this situation for fifteen years (ten of which were almost unbearable, and I admit I should have left him) - I am in therapy to see if I will someday be able to have a "normal" relationship - with someone else. My therapist thinks I am going to be seeing her for about two years. So - maybe she's wrong and I have nothing whatsoever to "get over". I'm paying her money to see me - I hope I am not wasting my funds. - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/21/2006 6:58:35 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to timeoutgurlie)

Post #: 162

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 6:55:17 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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I posted on this thread way back before all these tangents started being drawn in.

It's stated by RS that people are responsible for their own feelings and she gets dumped on for it. Yet, in my occasional volunteer work with the counseling center here, I've seen men/women in anger management classes try stating that their partner was responsible for the anger that arose within them. The counselors disagreed. Their viewpoint is that while other people and events may provoke feelings of anger, sadness, joy, love, etc. within us, we are responsible for the level of intensity of those feelings.

The OP stated a situation and asked for thoughts. The thoughts that were expressed differed in nature. Why is it that when this type of post comes into play, anyone who sympathizes and offers a hug and encourages the person involved to "take care of you", and offers no contrary point of view, that person is viewed as totally understanding? Yet, those who post that they can sympathize and empathize but recommend an action to get away from the situation, then the frowns come. When they post that they can sympathize and empathize but recommend action to get away or do what they can to change the situation, the frown deepens. When they post that they can sympathize and empathize but recommend action to get away or do what they can to change the situation and, if they don't want to do that, then accept it and move forward, the cries of "you don't understand" start. When they post that they aren't all that sympathetic with someone who chooses to stay in a situation but wants to complain about it, then the cries of "you don't understand or you haven't been there" start. If they commit several of the last sins AND dare to ask what part the person involved may have had in creating the situation they find themselves in, then the cries of "judgmental" start. Interesting how the further away from just offering tea and sympathy we get, the worse we become.

I've been in a sexless marriage with a partner who wanted no part of an open marriage and who kept finding different medical reasons for it. I cheated...until I could not stand myself for being dishonest. I left. Suddenly, her sex drive came back. Seeing that, I moved back. Oddly enough, it went away again. I left for good. So, I've been there, done that. As I said in my original post, the person in question in the original post has a difficult decision to make. But it's way past time to do it. So now...am I judgmental? Well...so are we all, in something.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 163

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:01:36 PM

SusanofO

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Joined: 12/19/2005
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I don't care if someone wants to disagree. There are plenty of people at CM I disagree with and who disagree with me, I am sure. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. A little sensitivity, however, when phrasing one's disagreement goes a long way. I am a big fan of diplomacy. I see people all the time who state their opinion here as if God himself has handed it down from some mountain top. I never do that - ever. Because to assume your situation (or opinion) is based on the exact same life experience as someone else is just plain idiotic. I have rather short temper about what I view as a lack of understanding in this particular area - my quirk, not anyone else's problem. I apologize to Dedicated Dominant (and anyone else whose feelings I may have stepped on). If my opinion about this makes no sense, then maybe I am just a wimp. - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/21/2006 7:12:01 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 164

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:02:17 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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How Ironic..... More than a few women complain that all a man wants is sex and when he doesn't put out.. Guess what, we complain that he doesn't put out!

There can be any number of reasons.... Bottom line... Suck it up Princess! Some people's sex drive just runs out of gas, some are have turbo boosters on them. In the end, she is choosing to stay in the relationship! So Suck it up!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 165

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:13:10 PM

subspecialist

Posts: 9
Joined: 6/21/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Clothespingirl

Okay, this is exactly the kind of situation where Dan Savage of the Seattle Stranger comes in handy.

quote:

It needs to be said that depriving a spouse of sex—or subjecting them to absolutely joyless sex in the hope that they'll stop asking—is an act of emotional violence. And this brand of emotional violence not only creates frustration, anger, and desperation, it inevitably leads to infidelity, which all too often leads to divorce, broken homes, and traumatized children.

And who gets the blame? The spouse who cheated, of course!

To all those folks out there who aren't interested in sex: Getting married—or civilly united or shacking up—is like buying a cow. You know going in that you're going to have to milk the thing. But unlike an unmilked cow, a spouse—male or female—won't just stand there in a field and suffer. A spouse is a cow with a credit card, a job, and a car. If you don't milk the cow you married, your cow has the means to go out and find someone who will. If you're fine with that, for God's sake tell your cow. If you lose interest in sex but want to stay married for the kids, friendship, or financial security, apologize to your cow and tell 'em you'll do them the courtesy of turning a blind eye if they'll do you the courtesy of being milked discreetly elsewhere.

Tell your husband what's going on and tell him why. Offer to stay with him and raise your kids together, if you can hack it. But just as he's made it clear that being with him means no sex, you need to make it clear that being with you means semi-regular cuckolding.

I love this guy!

i loved reading this!!! Very true!

(in reply to Clothespingirl)

Post #: 166

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:18:18 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

God forbid, dont say that KoM, you'll get lumped into the judgemental group with me lol although *chuckles* there's plenty of room over here *winks*

Susan,

as far as people being sensitive in their replies and answers, how sensitive was Fuck off? Or wait was that some more of that talking out of both sides of the mouth kind of thing again? No one HAS to sugar coat anything, if you cant swallow it thats AGAIN *your* problem not someone elses.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 167

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:21:40 PM

subspecialist

Posts: 9
Joined: 6/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

quote:

ORIGINAL: subspecialist

rs,
You have quite obviously NOT EVER been in the situation under discussion here. Therefore, it is quite inappropriate for you to comment, much less judge anyone here.
~s
LMAO, and here I thought this was an open forum where all could post an opinion. I guess the part I quoted above is in the fine print of the TOS about posting.

The comment was not about her right to post, but the appropriateness of her comment and judgment.

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 168

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:32:20 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

*laughs* this is getting better every time I come back.

6 years in a basically sexless relationship and its inappropriate that I post on the topic of sexless relationships, because I didnt bash my ex for not wanting sex...... and I'm the one being judgemental... uh huh I'll buy that right along with the ocean front property in Arizona.....

Again.... someone has to be blamed.....

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to subspecialist)

Post #: 169

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:41:01 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subspecialist

The comment was not about her right to post, but the appropriateness of her comment and judgment.

Obviously you have the rules of Appropriateness so that one can determine when one can comment and judge and when one can't.

Nice to know that someone has these Rules... um maybe you could share these rules... since you have a grasp of them.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to subspecialist)

Post #: 170

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:42:03 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

A bird flying south for the winter got caught in a blizzard. He kept trying to fly but his wings iced over and he plummeted to earth. As luck would have it, he landed in a soft pile of manure and was only slightly dazed. After a time, as the manure sheltered him from the storm, he began to get warmer and regained his senses. He was so happy and comfortable, he began to sing.
A barn cat happened by, heard the bird chirping, dug him out of the manure and ate him.
There are two morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who rescues you is your friend
and
2. If you are in a pile of shit, but are warm and happy, keep your mouth shut.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to irishbynature)

Post #: 171

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:43:05 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subspecialist

quote:

ORIGINAL: MrDiscipline44

quote:

ORIGINAL: subspecialist

rs,
You have quite obviously NOT EVER been in the situation under discussion here. Therefore, it is quite inappropriate for you to comment, much less judge anyone here.
~s
LMAO, and here I thought this was an open forum where all could post an opinion. I guess the part I quoted above is in the fine print of the TOS about posting.

The comment was not about her right to post, but the appropriateness of her comment and judgment.

A couple of points to make here:

1. The rules pertaining to the appropriatness of posting say nothing about needing to have experience in the subjects of the thread.

2. You either did not read the prior posts that RS stated or you decided to disreguard them. Reguradless, you are really no one to tell another wheather their post is not appropriate to the thread. Get off the soap box, honey. The kids need it for their derby.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to subspecialist)

Post #: 172

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:52:06 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

psssst D, You have mail....

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 173

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:53:36 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

A barn cat happened by, heard the bird chirping, dug him out of the manure and ate him.

mmmmmmm would this be considered Scat Play???

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 174

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 7:56:33 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I am sorry if I in any way contributed to the sorry state of affairs we find ourselves in as far as this topic and posts. I just hate it when people get off the topic and it devolves into some petty cat-fight. It's such a waste of time - can't we all just agree to disagree? Is there a problem? I know I said I have a short temper about this topic. I am sorry if I showed it. I can't apologize enough (I mean that). Let's move on, for God's sake. - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/21/2006 7:57:36 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 175

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:03:23 PM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

mmmmmmm would this be considered Scat Play???

LOL, I suppose it is in an analogical way..........

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 176

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:06:29 PM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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I have sympathy for anyone in a loveless, or sexless, relationship (unless that's what they want).

The reasons are legion as to why such a relationship could develop..... from doing a quick run through of the thread, depression and asexuality stand out; the one post of the husband wiping lipstick off as quick as possible after kissing.... is it possible he was gay? I don't mean that as a joke, either. If he showed affection intially, well, some gay folks do that, maybe they think they need to do so to secure the kind of life they want; as time goes on, the burden of pretending wears on them, and more and more troubles arise.

Having said all that, I have believed for a long time that a person's life is what they make it. If it's screwed up, one needs to look in the mirror, and they'll see the party that is ultimately responsible.

< Message edited by Level -- 6/21/2006 8:07:11 PM >

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 177

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:13:58 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

No, he wasn't gay. I know that for a fact. He only got turned on - ever in his life, by women. He was definitely physically excited by sex when we had it when we first got married. I know gay men can do this, too - but he just wasn't gay (I have several male gay friends and I can tell who is - really).

But, it's a good point to bring up, it might be possible. The reason we got married? I guess I thought we had a lot more in common than we actually turned out to have in common. And he said he loved me (I believed it). I really shouldn't beat this to death. He is dead and I do appreciate your sympathy - I am concerned about incognito and the OP's friend. I hope things turn out okay. I know they aren't leaving thier situations (yet). I do think that's their decision, and we probably helped by just listening and offerring our own experiences (for whatever they are worth). - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/21/2006 8:14:55 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 178

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:16:59 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Having said all that, I have believed for a long time that a person's life is what they make it. If it's screwed up, one needs to look in the mirror, and they'll see the party that is ultimately responsible.

I don't really agree with this. To explain?

I drive into town. I stop at the town's information center to get directions to a place in within the town. Now, I get these in writing because I am really bad at remembering things like this. So I follow the directions and end up not anywhere near where I wanted to be. I get out of the car and ask some near by and get some new directions and with the new directions I finally get to were I wanted to go.

So is it my fault that the first person gave me wrong directions. Am I responsible for being at the wrong place. I say No.... BUT, I am responsible to get me to the place I want to be! So i get new directions and try again. This women is in a sexless marriage. Well she can get out of the relationship and go to one that will get her what she wants. Or she can stay in the relationship. She is responsible for her choice! She is choosing to stay where she is.

I heard once and I have to agree. One will continue to endure the pain as it is if the continue to percieve the pain of change as greater. She will never change what is happening until she sees that the pain of change will be worth what she wants. Otherwise.. SUCK it up!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 179

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:22:19 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am sorry if I in any way contributed to the sorry state of affairs we find ourselves in as far as this topic and posts. I just hate it when people get off the topic and it devolves into some petty cat-fight. It's such a waste of time - can't we all just agree to disagree? Is there a problem? I know I said I have a short temper about this topic. I am sorry if I showed it. I can't apologize enough (I mean that). Let's move on, for God's sake. - Susan

but yet you want people to believe you were a victim to all of this? Your temper and your reactions was all I was pointing out. You cant hold someone else responsible for your actions or your feelings they are your own, you own them no one else.

I do hope that you find some kind of peace with all of this but you wont find it ever if you continually blame someone else. You have to take a serious look at yourself and find what it is thats in you that allowed yourself to get to such a low point in your life. Do so without saying well it was all my husbands fault. He may have put the ground work down but you are the one that followed it and internalized it. Finding out why and how to avoid that will make you a much happier person I promise.

In all of this one BIG thing struck me as funny. Time and time again I have said that I was in the boat with others that are in a sexless relationship, but I never bashed my ex and we had a pretty good relationship otherwise. Not once has anyone bothered to ask how it worked or why, and my opinion on that is because they were too busy laying blame. My relationship held no blame period. As I have said time and time again and will continue to say someone else is not responsible for how you feel. Did I have times I could have shot my ex because I was so frusterated, sure I did but I also knew that it was because I set myself up to fail by trying to get something from him which he did not care to give. That is NOT his fault that was MY fault. After a time once I stopped and realized that our relationship progressed and we were happy as ever. No sex included.

*shrugs* to each their own, I just found that once I took responsibility for myself I was a much happier person and so was he.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 180

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