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RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:27:22 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
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You know Reflective Soul, I have had it with you. Why don't you Reflect on THIS?: You are a total and complete B____ch. Yes, I do have a temper. And you have definitely brought it out. If your own husband is ignoring you or something I am sorry for that - but it's no reason to take it out on me.

I am not sure just what your problem IS, exactly, but - before this goes ANY FURTHER, I want you, in your ultimate wisdom, to list for me here, right now - all of the reasons you think my situation was my fault. Come on, do it. Then SHUT UP, PLEASE. - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/21/2006 8:31:05 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 181

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:29:31 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
And if someone wants sex they are to just either except not having it cause their partner doesn't want it or leave or cheat?
Why isn't the other partner responsibilty for trying to work things out or finding other ways for the sexual partner to get what she/he needs?

TammyJo,

But the person who doesnt want sex is responsible for making sure the other person gets off? not in my eyes at all. If sexual contact is a direct no no to someone why should they have to make sure someone else gets off?
Seems to me that it is just imposing something directly linked to a dislike for that person, and shoving it in their face. That's no different than taking a sub with a hard limit and then rubbing that limit in the subs face and saying well you have to make sure I get this even if you hate it. Its wrong and its foul. If these women feel the need to get off then thats what they make toys for. *shrugs*

I quite like Trix's stance that it is your body, your sexual drive, your orgasm, your responsibility.

It is very much the partner's responsiblity to not interfere then with her/his attempt to get their needs/desires met.

A partner who is asexual or who has stopped wanting sex does not have to provide sex but they should not stand in the way of their partner getting sex. They can either agree to open up the relationship, buy the partner sex toys, or get a divorce.

To force the sexual person to become unsexual is very very selfish and cruel!

My husband is (if you forgot) asexual. He loves me and because of this he is very open to us being poly and he has bought me sex toys. He takes his role as my partner seriously and knows he has a responsiblity to help me be fulfilled even if he himself cannot offer me what I want.

I think some of you are reading into my words some bizarre idea that I'm saying the asexual must provide sex when that is not what I'm saying at all.

If you actually read my words and were not so hung up on this unrealistic idea that everyone is an island who is unaffected by others in their life you might see that. I mean really this is an insane idea. You popped out of some womb exactly as you are today? I don't think so. I think you are product of all of the contact you've had in your life.

I notice, Reflectivesoul that you keep talking about responsibility as though it is a one person, one way only thing. That is not how good relationships work. Both people hav to make the effort and they have to want what is good and healthy on all levels for each other.

Yes, the person who is unhappy should be honest and try to work things out. They should also be strong enough to end things if they can't get what they need or want. But to say that that one person alone is completely responsibility is completely false.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 6/21/2006 8:39:46 PM >

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 182

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:33:49 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I've been in a sexless marriage with a partner who wanted no part of an open marriage and who kept finding different medical reasons for it. I cheated...until I could not stand myself for being dishonest. I left. Suddenly, her sex drive came back. Seeing that, I moved back. Oddly enough, it went away again. I left for good. So, I've been there, done that. As I said in my original post, the person in question in the original post has a difficult decision to make. But it's way past time to do it. So now...am I judgmental? Well...so are we all, in something.

Hello!!!!

Don't you think your partner was manipulating then?!

I mean, no sex drive, sex drive to get you back, then no sex drive again?!

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 183

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:37:49 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

lash away susan... its just more of the behavior I was talking about... do you feel better? Did it change the situation?

<edited to add>
did I resprt to name calling and swearing? but yet I am blamed because you lost control of yourself? gee I want a copy of that memo......

< Message edited by Reflectivesoul -- 6/21/2006 8:58:54 PM >

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 184

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:46:51 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

You know Reflective Soul, I have had it with you. Why don't you Reflect on THIS?: You are a total and complete B____ch. Yes, I do have a temper. And you have definitely brought it out. If your own husband is ignoring you or something I am sorry for that - but it's no reason to take it out on me.

I am not sure just what your problem IS, exactly, but - before this goes ANY FURTHER, I want you, in your ultimate wisdom, to list for me here, right now - all of the reasons you think my situation was my fault. Come on, do it. Then SHUT UP, PLEASE. - Susan

Alright, if want to know then I'll tell you. You stayed in the relationship way past the point in which you were unhappy and allowed it to damage you. That is were YOU are to blame susan, and no-one else. No where did I read that you were chained to a post so that you couldn't leave or that he held a gun to your head to keep you from leaving. So don't blame him because you're screwed up and need cousiling. Blame is squarely on you for your part.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 185

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:50:06 PM

akisha

Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline

Ok I'll admit I started skimmng after about page 3 or 4.

To ever problem in a marriage, hell even in life, it comes down to two avenues of recourse.

1. Accept it, and stay and shut up about it.
or
2. Do something about it.

He is not willing to help fix the problem probably because he does not see it as a problem. People do not change their base nature. If he was going to do something about it he would have years ago. Quit slamming your head into a brick wall trying to make him or thinking if you yell loud enough he will.

Piss or get off the pot. This may sound cold and rude but in reality those are the only choices you have.

_____________________________

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Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

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(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 186

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:56:39 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

TammyJo,

I never said that the relationship couldnt be open, I never said that the partner couldnt foot the bill for toys, as a matter of fact I did say that this is what toys are made for.

I also never said that no one else has an influence on parts of our lives, what I did say is that how we choose to deal with that influence is our problem not theirs.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 187

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 8:59:52 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Hmmm, did you say you're in therapy?

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

You know Reflective Soul, I have had it with you. Why don't you Reflect on THIS?: You are a total and complete B____ch. Yes, I do have a temper.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 188

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:00:17 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

A guy backed into my car this morning (really lol). I got pissed off. He didn't make me angry, I did. This doesn't mean he isn't responsible for his actions, it just means he isn't responsible for mine. I am.

PS - Headlight assembly, driver's side, 1990 Olds Regency.

< Message edited by Level -- 6/21/2006 9:01:41 PM >

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 189

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:03:50 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

Level,

sorry about the car... that sucks! But yes he is responsible for hitting it and yes you're right you are responsible for getting pissed off... he put down the ground work for you to get pissed and you followed that route....

The exact thing I have been saying all along.... while the ground work may be there, you are ultimately responsible for how you deal with it.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 190

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:04:38 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Both you and Dedicated Dom dont' have two brain cells to rub together sideways. Why do you for one second believe I would ever care what you think? I just find you annoying. - Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 6/21/2006 9:06:34 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 191

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:07:45 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

Level,

sorry about the car... that sucks!

Thanks rs, and yes, it sucks ....... but on the plus side, when word gets out I have a '90 Olds, I ought to get tons of ladies contacting me . *he said, jokingly*

< Message edited by Level -- 6/21/2006 9:09:32 PM >

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 192

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:14:19 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Wow, you sure sound like a big tough guy. I must say, I was really moved by that speech. - Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 193

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:14:38 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

lol susan...

and you obviously care at some level because you are getting upset and lashing out and trying to get to me.... therefor laying the ground work and you are getting more and more pissed off because I am not buying into it...

*shakes head*

I am responsible for my actions, try and atleast be responsible for your own. I did not force you to come here and write negative things or to try and bash me so do not blame me for your actions. you AGAIN did this yourself.

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 194

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:17:07 PM

Reflectivesoul

Posts: 1777
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline

uh huh Level, until something pertinent breaks on it cause they dun make new parts for those anymore lol

*giggles* I can see it now, Level driving down the road flintstone style *laughs*

ahem *giggles*

I shouldnt pick on your car, thats not nice *giggles* but it WAS funny...

_____________________________

ooooo..I bet THATS gonna leave a mark!!!!

Equal opportunity pisser on-er ... heh..

Gimme some crayons, I want color and I want it now DAMNIT!

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 195

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:18:48 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reflectivesoul

uh huh Level, until something pertinent breaks on it cause they dun make new parts for those anymore lol

*giggles* I can see it now, Level driving down the road flintstone style *laughs*

ahem *giggles*

I shouldnt pick on your car, thats not nice *giggles* but it WAS funny...

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 196

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:19:56 PM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

It's like I've said RS, people never learned to take responsibility as children and grow up thinking EVERYTHING is someone elses fault. Never taking responsibility for their roles they played in thier own misery.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to Reflectivesoul)

Post #: 197

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:21:24 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Wow I am just so hurt. It takes my breath away just how (un) affected I am by this. I have to go. I have better things to do - like take a nap. - Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to MrDiscipline44)

Post #: 198

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:24:12 PM

Sumimara

Posts: 10
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

Both you and Dedicated Dom dont' have two brain cells to rub together sideways. Why do you for one second believe I would ever care what you think? I just find you annoying. - Susan

I'm going to guess they believe it because you continue to attempt to justify your opinions and argue about their responses to your opinions. As an very uninterested observer - I think that you should take a moment to re-read what's been said, no one is insulting your original comments and opinions and having an opinion that differs from yours isn't an attack on what you have gone through, it gives you a perspective that lots of people who are posting simply don't have. RS's experience and how she dealt with it may not be how you are coping but it is no less valid.

That said... the idea of remaining in a marriage or relationship with someone who does not or cannot fulfill your needs is repugnant to me. I am sure that coming up with rationalizations provides some comfort but it has to be cold comfort indeed. As many have said - make your decision and live with it. I think that there must be some trade offs... something that keeps the woman the OP wrote about in that situation, we can sit around and offer all the advice in the world but in the end the woman will need to decide what it is that she wants and pursue it. No one posting an opinion (myself included though I am wise beyond the telling of it and never wrong) is going to come up with anything that she hasn't already thought of... and chances are there will be no 'EUREKA' moment that will motivate her to make changes she is not willing or able to make at the moment.

Sumi

_____________________________

"I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself."- Anais Nin

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 199

RE: Submissive in sexless marriage - 6/21/2006 9:26:30 PM

BreakMeShakeMe

Posts: 339
Joined: 6/6/2006
Status: offline

<opens a new box of cherrios>

Someone pissed in the other one... <giggles>

Edited to add.... Used fast reply... not ment for you Sumimara... sorry.

< Message edited by BreakMeShakeMe -- 6/21/2006 9:28:08 PM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do, Skill is knowing how to, Virtue is just doing it.

(in reply to Sumimara)

Post #: 200

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