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Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 6:38:46 PM   
kiska


Posts: 160
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Low self esteem has nothing to do with being submissive. If you asked 1000 submissives if they had good self esteem or poor self esteem, and  then 1000 vanilla people the same question you would find that low self esteem is a PEOPLE problem, not a submissive problem.

I wonder why people do not go to "Ask a Master" and ask them if there is some deep sense of inadequacy that causes them to want to control people? I have never seen dominants asked this question and I wonder why. I bet there are just as many low self esteem doms as there are subs.


Just because I am who I am ... I'm asking the question. Note; the question does not neccessarily have anything to do with how I feel. I'm merely asking it because, well, it begs to be asked ...

So, do any of you Masters, Mistresses, dominants and tops in general feel that there might be some deep sense of inadequacy that causes or caused you to want to control others?

(At least I remembered to ask the question!)

_____________________________

I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue ...
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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 6:45:35 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Kiska, since you took my words, I will specify, I do not think doms have a sense of inadequacy anymore than any other people in the world.... just to make sure that everyone understands that post was from another thread that questioned whether subs have low self esteem. Just wanted to make sure I made myself clear...lol

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 6/20/2006 6:47:07 PM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to kiska)
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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 6:53:29 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		I can only speak for myself here, and in my case the answer is no. I don't need to control people, it turns me on to do so.
I am one of those to whom BDSM is definately a sexual thing.

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 6:56:25 PM   
kiska


Posts: 160
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Kiska, since you took my words, I will specify, I do not think doms have a sense of inadequacy anymore than any other people in the world.... just to make sure that everyone understands that post was from another thread that questioned whether subs have low self esteem. Just wanted to make sure I made myself clear...lol


I don't think that *all* doms do but I think some of them may just as some submissives may have a sense of low self esteem ... lol ... I didn't mean to imply that you felt that way either but I figured if the question hasnt been asked yet, someone should ask it!

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I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue ...

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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 7:14:32 PM   
DesertRat


Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig
I can only speak for myself here, and in my case the answer is no. I don't need to control people, it turns me on to do so.
I am one of those to whom BDSM is definately a sexual thing.


I can echo that. I don't feel a need to control, but often find myself in leadership roles, whether I seek them or not. In some of the non-BDSM contexts (work, EMT stuff, etc.), I do find myself enjoying the feeling of having some control, but only if it makes the job go better than it would otherwise. BDSM and/or Master/slave-wise, I find it is much more than a sexual thing but hasten to add that the sexual aspects, are a major component for me. I'm not just talking about things directly associated with sex. There are many things that indirectly tie into sexual behavior and those are all part of the turn-on for me.

Summing up: No compensation for inadequacy here. Also, no feelings of forcing my superadequate self on those 'less fortunate'. At least, that's what I'm shooting for.

Bob

_____________________________

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro--Hunter S. Thompson
It's crackers to slip a rozzer the dropsy in snide!--Chief Dead St. Knockout, 1933, Liverpool
Damn the crops. I'll only find peace at the end of a rope.--Winston Van Loo, 1911

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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 7:19:00 PM   
irishbynature


Posts: 551
Joined: 5/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

I can only speak for myself here, and in my case the answer is no. I don't need to control people, it turns me on to do so.
I am one of those to whom BDSM is definately a sexual thing.


I feel the same way about submission Arpig...and also think that it's up the individual couple to decide what "kink" works best for them.
Irish


_____________________________


What seems nasty, painful, or evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, for those who have the vision to recognize it as such. Henry Miller


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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 7:31:59 PM   
LokisBrat


Posts: 431
Joined: 12/5/2005
From: Mayberry, Illinois
Status: offline 		I feel no need to control, but find that I desire the control.  I have always assumed roles of responsibility and am comfortable with assuming those roles. 

LOKI


_____________________________

"My pleasure, your pain. Doesn't matter, its all the same"

-Loki

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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 8:43:44 PM   
kiska


Posts: 160
Joined: 11/17/2005
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Seriously though, how many people are going to come forward and be like ...

Yeah, I feel horribly inadequate so I take out my deep inner turmoil on unsuspective submissives.

I mean really ...

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I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue ...

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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 8:50:46 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		There are plenty of submissives on the other hand who know they have low self esteem...

The dom I am seeing thinks we all have weaknesses, just some of us are more willing to admit it than others...smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to kiska)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/20/2006 11:14:28 PM   
Darke


Posts: 33
Joined: 9/3/2005
Status: offline 		An interesting post, and, as well stated earlier, not one that we are likely to hear truly honest and introspective replies to.

As has been well hashed and retreaded innumerable times here, the "idea" of the lifestyle and pliant sex goddesses who can't say no does draw some undesirables who want to poach the supposed "self-esteem" issues of submissives.  Whether these HNG's are drawn to this merely from laziness and perceived convenience, or whether they view this as a course of last resort for themselves I suppose varies from person to person.

I would hope that those who are serious about the lifestyle, but only play casually (is this sentence an oxymoron) generally have their "stuff together" for the safety and happiness of both (or all) parties.

I would also hope that those in 24/7 relationships have--every now and again-- moments of, if not inadequacy, at least awe for the responsibility they have taken on.

(in reply to kiska)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 2:33:11 AM   
MissDiandSirHugh


Posts: 1158
Joined: 8/11/2005
From: Goondiwindi ( Qld )
Status: offline 		Neither of us feel inadequate at any time our need to control can emerge if we are with the right person or persons that we can leed and guide them to give us what pleasure or joy we wish to have at that particular time.
This need is not something that we unleesh with every person we enjoy time togethr with even then that does not make us feel inadequate just because there is no way we can Dominate who ever at that time and does not cause us any concern.


< Message edited by MissDiandSirHugh -- 6/21/2006 2:39:34 AM >

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HoRoo for now from Us both and enjoy all you read even if you don"t agree with us or others.
Knowledge is no Burden to Carry

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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 4:31:56 AM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		I have no need to control others and in fact in many areas I walk away from situations where such control is being thrust upon me.. There are a select few whom I will take great pleasure in controlling. I am happiest in being in as much control of my life and the circumstances surrounding it. If this also means controlling (usually by remore control) the people or groups/business which attempt to control me, then so be it (I can and do this effectly, efficiently and at times ruthlessly). In my personal relationships, I prefer to guide and help a person grow. Slaves are are different kettle of fish altogether. by their nature they are to be controlled.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to MissDiandSirHugh)
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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 6:04:41 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I can't imagine someone actually admitting to that.

I can say I only know a handful of dominants who I believe are acting out and become the dom in a relationship because of their insecurities and control issues (subs tend to do that far more often).

But I do know that plenty of doms have serious insecurities that they try and avoid in their position as dominant.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kiska)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 7:04:36 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I am just dumb enough to post a rather soul exposing bit, but it won't be ready till next week.  I have long wondered where my need to dominant comes from and I have discovered the font from which it flows.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 7:17:55 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I don't need to control others... but I DO need to control a lot of my life. I AM a self control freak and when I care a lot of control goes with that care, it is part of HOW I care..... but need to control others, no, that isn't where it comes from. The only person I would catagoricaly state as a 'need' to control, is myself.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to kiska)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 8:25:56 AM   
lisa1978


Posts: 224
Joined: 5/19/2006
From: Kansas City
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

I don't need to control others... but I DO need to control a lot of my life. I AM a self control freak and when I care a lot of control goes with that care, it is part of HOW I care..... but need to control others, no, that isn't where it comes from. The only person I would catagoricaly state as a 'need' to control, is myself.


I think that is beautifully written and what I have seen in healthy dominants. It is not about a God complex but just liking/needing some level of control in their life that normal life frowns upon.



_____________________________

It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 8:52:57 AM   
Tamerofwild1s


Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kiska

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

Low self esteem has nothing to do with being submissive. If you asked 1000 submissives if they had good self esteem or poor self esteem, and  then 1000 vanilla people the same question you would find that low self esteem is a PEOPLE problem, not a submissive problem.

I wonder why people do not go to "Ask a Master" and ask them if there is some deep sense of inadequacy that causes them to want to control people? I have never seen dominants asked this question and I wonder why. I bet there are just as many low self esteem doms as there are subs.


Just because I am who I am ... I'm asking the question. Note; the question does not neccessarily have anything to do with how I feel. I'm merely asking it because, well, it begs to be asked ...

So, do any of you Masters, Mistresses, dominants and tops in general feel that there might be some deep sense of inadequacy that causes or caused you to want to control others?

(At least I remembered to ask the question!)


lol this is a good question .. because I have seen to many times posts refering to Doms as doing what they do because they have low self esteem issues they make up for their esteem issue by abusive control of a submissive .... that being said I'm sure in almost every walk of life there are those that do what they do for some kind of esteem issue ..... oh and nice save there julia .. lmao
 
Me myself it has never been an esteem issue ... it is simply something inside of me in which I always seem to be in control of the situation at hand ...... My Dominance is something that comes from within . it's not just asexual thing with me tho . and those that know me can say that 100%
 
but I'm sure there are those in fact for whom it is a low self esteem issue

_____________________________

A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to kiska)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 8:58:13 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I try to maintain a certain inadequacy as a Dominant, it helps the slave to learn the concept of desire, in a truely personal fashion.


Ron 

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Tamerofwild1s)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 9:04:49 AM   
Master96


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		Hello everyone,

The question I asked… came now and being asked to me, waw

For me I don’t have any self-esteem issues, and I don’t want my slave to have any out of her submission. (This made me ask this in the first place at “Ask a Sub/Slave”)

Anyway… I agree with irishbynature

Take care,
Master96,


(in reply to kiska)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 6/21/2006 11:35:44 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Well I think it is pretty obvious that there are many in bdsm who have low self esteem (among many other problems). We all see the same horror stories over and over here as well as in r/l.
I am sure that it is as common with Doms as with subs, but it seems to stick out with subs because they are usually the ones being hurt because of it.

_____________________________

Boycott Whales!

(in reply to Master96)
Profile   Post #: 20
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