FirmhandKY
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Joined: 9/21/2004
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A very interesting thread. I started reading it yesterday, but did not have time to respond, and I'm glad to see that it has NOT degenerated like most threads to a bunch of snarky and smug responses.
I wish to respond. And, please excuse me, as this post will be a bit longer than most.
I read the OP as asking: Why do dominants wish to control?
As I've stated in a few other posts, and in my journal entries, I've always been who I am, even when I didn't have a word, or a structure to define it. I am a "dom", in the sense that is widely used here, and in the lifestyle, but I've also often felt that many of the "doms" I have encountered do not fit into a mold of "dom-ness" that I would acknowledge.
I like to consider myself fairly intelligent (what's intelligence? dunno, a whole 'nother thread), but part of what I consider a core part of my intelligence is that I've always had the ability to "stand outside" of myself in most (all) situations, regardless of the context. In situations of "great fear", my body reacts, but I can separate my mind from the events surrounding me, and take stock, and action based on a cold, rational .... you might even say cruel ... internal personality.
I am compassionate ... yet can stand outside compassion when it is necessary. I can be sexually excited .... yet stand outside the excitment when necessary. I can be in deathly fear ... yet stand outside that fear when necessary. I can be deeply in love ... yet stand outside that love when necessary.
Do I have insecurities? All human beings do to one extent, or another. I do. But I can stand outside those insecurities when necessary and recognize them as internal personality traits that I can choose to guide my actions. Or not.
I have recognized, just as many have here, that many self-described "doms' are only "doms" in their own minds, and confuse domineering with domination.
I LIKE being able to stand outside of myself, my fears, insecurities, my desires, because it gives me a level of control of myself, my actions, and my effect on a situation and on other people that I find uncommon. I enjoy that feeling of control because it helps me to achieve what I wish to achieve, within the circle of possible outcomes.
When I was younger, I expressed that by being the person in charge, almost all the time. As I grew older and more experienced, I determined that often I could have just as a strong effect (and sometimes moreso) without being the "actual" person in charge. Being the titular leader of an organization often brings headaches and problems that are outside the areas that I specifically want to affect and change, so over time I've reduced my circle of responsiblities to a more comfortable level.
When I bring this down to inter-personal relationships, to the D/s dynamic, I find that I often feel the mirror of what many subs say .... I'm a dominant, but unless I am YOUR dominant, I've no strong interest in controlling a person. I see it as a waste of my energy and attention, and in many respects - shallow. So when I talk to a sub that isn't MY sub ... I treat them as I would anyone else.
One of the things that I've been contemplating over the last few years is the reason that I have been searching for a specific type of woman - a submissive - and what it is exactly that I get out of such a relationship. What is it that makes me a "dom" and what is it that makes a woman a "sub"? And what is it, exactly, that we give to each other?
To many, being a "control freak" is a bad thing. I think it is a bad thing, often, myself, if it is carried to an extreme of OCD or "having" to be in control of so much in life that you can never truly have much control over. There has to be a "span of control" that is realistic, and healthy.
I read a thread the other day where a sub referenced a website (apologies to her, that I can't remember who she was). The website was http://www.godfatherdom.com/default.php . This site is a work in progress of an "elder dom" who is trying to delve deep into the very same question, and while I am not sure I agree with everything he has to say, he has made a couple of points that I think may well apply to answering some of the questions that I have had (and are pertinent to this thread).
In particular, what I like is his conclusions about subs and doms, and what they actually get out of a D/s relationship. He has several categories of "submitters" and "dominants", but the concept I think bears a lot of thought is that the major difference between subs and doms is in the level of "relatedness" that they share. That they are on opposite ends of the spectrum.
A "submitter" is a person who has an over abundance of the ability and desire to "relate" to another person, and has often been frustrated in that drive. On the other hand, a "dom" is a person who has a difficult time in personal "relatedness". This doesn't mean that a dom CAN'T relate, and may even be a highly social person (primarily because they are intelligent enough to understand the social game and can usually play it very well).
But, the ability to achieve a true, deep and satisifying personal relationship is difficult for a dom. Enter the sub who has an excess of that that ability, and has the best chance to break through that wall that a dom was born with. Who not only has the ability, but has the need to give her all to someone, inside a trusting and fully open and honest relationship, where no excuses have to be made.
Together, this type of sub, and this type of dom can grow a D/s relationship that neither can achieve by themselves, and I think this is the healthiest and most fufilling of D/s relationships, and the "dynamic" that is so highly sought after.
And, this type of "dom" doesn't really have "insecurities", although there are other types that are nothing but bundles of insecurites. Being able to recognize the differences between the two is a submissive most difficult job.
Yes, there are other types of "doms" and other types of "subs", and if you are interested, spend some time on his website, but this particular set of subs and doms spoke to me, and my situation.
Anyway ....
FHky
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Some people are just idiots.
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RE: Masters and inadequacy ... - 
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