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The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:00:12 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Amongst my vanilla friends, when the conversation turns towards sex, it's pretty common for a woman to say she's never had an orgasm, or doesn't usually have one when they're having sex, or has them only in a very specific position, or from oral.

In the magazines we read and conversations we had as teenagers (it wasn't THAT long ago for me) this was certainly put out there as the norm. There was always the advice about lighting a candle and putting on music and trying things out with a vibrator. Advice on how to get your guy to go down on you more. How to tell him you need a vibe to come without crushing his ego.

I almost never hear any mention of this around these parts. I can't use myself as an example since a stern look is practically all I've ever needed. So women, educate me.

Is this a myth? Do most women just get there eventually? Or is it because BDSMers as a group are more in touch with their sexuality, their turn-ons and their physical responses?

Are we so good at communicating sexually that there are fewer hang-ups about whether or not the woman orgasms or what she needs to get there? Or is there still some shyness about this - do people not admit they don't always get there because it's embarrassing when everyone here is so sexually open and kinky?

Yep, that's right. Talk to me about sex.

I'd particularly like to know - how common is the multiple orgasm? Do you (or your partner)? Is it normal or rare for you? Does oral sex do the job better for you that fingers/vibes/regular sex? I've always found oral or vibes to be a bit too much - almost painful - Himself has a theory it's because things are wired up to not need that much stimulation. Anyone share that experience?

Here I am, 26 years old and still in need of sex ed.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:25:00 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Many women have never or very rarely achieve orgasm. I base this not on a Cosmo survey, but on my own conversations with numerous women over the years. My opinion for why they can't is b/c they can't let go emotionally and physically while being close to a man. Some of this is down to trust, for others having a hard time letting go appears to be a function of their personality.

Clearly, being aware of your own body and your own sexuality is going to help your achieve orgasm. Does being into BDSM help with that? For some I am sure it does.

But then I've been appalled at the number of females into BDSM who are clueless as to where their G-spot is located. You know, you're allowed to stick a finger in there and explore yourself. You can even taste yourself - it's all good.

A good dominant is one who will 'make' a female explore and taste her pussy b/c he knows he can learn a lot from her responses.

I have multiple orgasms and have had for many years, but I don't think it's all that common. Multiple orgasm for me is the result of a variety of stimulation, fingers, lips and tongue then penis, with some torturous edging going on. I don't have 'better' orgasms from oral, I have different one. Oral orgasms are focused almost entirely on my clit, so they're more focused in their intensity. Often orgasms from penetration as much less focused on my clit alone, more of a vaginal focus. But I also have what I call a full body orgasm (always a multiple) where the focus is everywhere. I have these as a result of lots of lovely (and maybe torturous) foreplay and stimulation. These are the most intense and satisfying orgasms. But I don't have them all the time, though it is generally Himself's goal to push me towards one.

(He likes to watch, he claims it's pretty spectacular, not that I would know, I practically pass out afterward.)






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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:30:50 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		I could always tell when my ex was having an orgasm... her eyes would roll up into her head.

It's actually why we split up.

It made her look like a fucking zombie.

No. I'm not kidding.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:34:50 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:


I'd particularly like to know - how common is the multiple orgasm? Do you (or your partner)? Is it normal or rare for you? Does oral sex do the job better for you that fingers/vibes/regular sex? I've always found oral or vibes to be a bit too much - almost painful - Himself has a theory it's because things are wired up to not need that much stimulation. Anyone share that experience?



I have always been experimenting with masturbation with myself since a young age, and already knew how to get myself into multiple body wrecking orgasms before I even ever had sex before.
Thus, yea I know exactly how to teach a partner how to help me multiple orgase and there is no question that I will multiple orgase, most of the time, it's more if the partner even cares whether I multiple orgase or not, some don't give a damn so if they don't give a damn, and don't want to do it, then I will never reach there, but anyway, I can always get myself there.
I don't get vagina orgasms for a start, it's all clitoral for me, and also with bdsm exploration, pain in nipples at the right moment can bring ripples of orgasms as well, same with spanking.
But for me, fingers are the best without tools, otherwise, of course, vibrators.
Tongue does nothing for me.
But every woman will be different. I know females are complete opposite, vagina orgasms, yes, clitoral, zero.

I'm thinking with my vanilla girlfriends over here, there is this very accepting notion, that sex is a man's thing. Thus if they don't feel excited with it, that's just acceptance, their man have needs, and they will give it to him when he needs it, without questioning why isn't it pleasurable for them.
So..., I believe the reason why they aren't getting orgasms is the lack of communication to their mate that they aren't getting any, thus not working together to figure out how to get those orgasms coming. But in conservative relationships, I can imagine it's very difficult for them to talk about these things.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/19/2013 11:41:59 PM >

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:45:09 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I've always been able to have more orgasms immediately after the first one. It surprised me to find out that not everyone could do this lol

I can do it with toys, fingers and penises (or all 3 at once!), but one thing that would kill any potential orgasm in me is tongues. They just don't do it for me, and never have. Keep that tongue where it belongs - in my mouth, on my neck, on my nipples....sigh....

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:49:30 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I reckon being tied spread eagle with a magic wand to your clit, should technically give women earth wrecking orgasms. But I wonder if it's just me.
I was screaming till my voice went hoarse, the torture starts when the wave of orgasms will not stop and it's too much and it won't stop and you can't stop it, and it goes on forever, and you feel like you can't take it anymore but you are helpless to stop it.
Kind of like, too much of a good thing.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:49:47 PM   
TAFKAA


Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline 		What are you talking about? The female orgasm is a myth promulgated by Nazi feminist lesbians who hate men and enjoy midget porn.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:52:18 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		For me, while having sex, I can have two or three orgasms fairly easily as long as he keeps my brain engaged. For the most part it's not a big deal, since one is really intense, and the rest are barely there. I'd say it's fairly normal for me. Typically if I can only orgasm once it's because I wasn't turned on enough for it, I'm too tired, or I'm too stressed.

I think oral feels good, but I don't have orgasms from it. The feeling ranges from relaxing to painful depending on my cycle, my mood, how I feel about him, if I'm tired or not.

My husband is the only man who has ever made me orgasm. The others I lied to because when I dared tell them the truth they got upset at me. This was how I learned that just because a man 15+ years older than you tells you 'I know how to show you a good time because I'm experienced' it doesn't mean jack shit.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/19/2013 11:55:51 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I can do it with toys, fingers and penises (or all 3 at once!),


Greedy, greedy, bitch.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 12:04:25 AM   
TAFKAA


Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Is this a myth? Do most women just get there eventually? Or is it because BDSMers as a group are more in touch with their sexuality, their turn-ons and their physical responses?

Are we so good at communicating sexually that there are fewer hang-ups about whether or not the woman orgasms or what she needs to get there? Or is there still some shyness about this - do people not admit they don't always get there because it's embarrassing when everyone here is so sexually open and kinky?

Yep, that's right. Talk to me about sex.
Ego and social competition certainly plays its part. A woman who has difficulty achieving orgasm can often feel lesser for it - especially if her partners make her feel defective in some way. However I'll state that I'm pretty damn sure that almost no woman has a physiological issue which prevents her from achieving orgasm.

Like many things, it's all in her head.

quote:

I'd particularly like to know - how common is the multiple orgasm? Do you (or your partner)? Is it normal or rare for you? Does oral sex do the job better for you that fingers/vibes/regular sex? I've always found oral or vibes to be a bit too much - almost painful - Himself has a theory it's because things are wired up to not need that much stimulation. Anyone share that experience?

Here I am, 26 years old and still in need of sex ed.
It varies. It's important to understand that a woman's experience of orgasm - barring any injuries which might make sex painful for her - is almost inevitably tied to how she feels about herself, her partner and sex itself. Some women cum - and continue to cum - when they're being spoken to. Some cum when they're giving head. Some cum when ordered to.

There's certain physical realities to be sure, but the mind is more powerful than pretty much all of them. And those practiced in certain Tantric disciplines can probably expand upon specific techniques they're aware of.

In my experience, I think subs are more likely to orgasm easily and more likely to experience multiple orgasms. Being a female submissive implies an openness to sexual experience with a Dom and half-decent Doms are usually amateur psychologists anyway who are aware of the importance of mind and the effect of limiting self-beliefs. If a woman feels guilt for enjoying sex, erasing that guilt can provoke a powerful sexual response.

There's neurological evidence to suggest that orgasm requires surrender - a lowering of all defenses, an openness to experience and pure enjoyment of the pleasure of the moment. I think the fact that subs are implicitly acquainted with surrender is a contributing factor which makes them more amenable to orgasm.

Ultimately, it depends where each woman is at any given moment. No woman is defective or unable to 'achieve' orgasm. Her mind is simply where it is - and if her Dom desires to move it in a positive direction which enhances her orgasmic response, then that can certainly happen. Our uniqueness is not expressed in our orgasm - merely our response. And that response is stunningly amenable to change.




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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 12:16:04 AM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

However I'll state that I'm pretty damn sure that almost no woman has a physiological issue which prevents her from achieving orgasm.

This is my thought as well, but I used to get daggers at me whenever I say something like this with women who seriously have difficulty getting orgasms. They just want to be accepted as, their made up is in a way that can't orgase. So I'm confuse if there are truly genuine cases where orgasms are impossible regardless the stimulant. It seems impossible to me, but I get it so easy, so it's hard to understand how is this possible.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 12:32:05 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		No, I don't subscribe to the idea of that, because we're kinky, we're more open or more in touch with our sexuality. Barring medical issues, healthy relationships have healthy sex lives. MP and I rarely involve kink between us and it honestly doesn't have any difference in the outcome as far as orgasms.

What does occur to Me is a possibility for those who feel that BDSM is always sexual for them. (I'm not in that camp.) If that bondage is sexual for you, doesn't that kind of boil down to some pretty long foreplay sessions? I tell clip pretty regularly that authority is a great aphrodisiac. I generally am getting turned on when I'm getting to enjoy My sadism with him. (For the most part, it only works that way for Me when playing with somebody with whom I am sexually intimate. Casual play doesn't necessarily have that effect on Me.) So, for that hour or two when I'm beating him or doing whatever else, I'm getting aroused.

It may not always be easy to notice, but I'm fairly straightforward about what I want. (Did anybody buy the false modesty there?) I've got no problem telling the person that I'm intimate with what I like and how I like it. That's a pretty handy tool when it comes to instructing somebody in sexual technique.

My joke about orgasms for Myself is that I tell people that I am very good for the male ego. I'm honestly not that hard to please as long as the man that I'm with has *listened* to what he's been told. I'm vocal in My reactions so it's easy for the man to know he's getting it right. I've also got really good body language when it's working for Me.

Oral isn't My first preference and I want some manual manipulation mixed in. Give Me that first orgasm before penile penetration and it's darn near a guarantee that there will be more. This is one of those areas where I feel bad for men. Generally, men who are able to achieve multiple orgasms have the strongest one first and the second isn't as intense. I'm the opposite. The more orgasms I have, the better they get. They also take less time for build up between them.

Clit vibes? Nope. I can't take them. There was one that clip bought for Me that within a few seconds I was saying oh, hell no! I'm too sensitive.

I will add that I am one of those women that, if I'm in a bad mood, all of the above can be shot to hell. I'm not the type to have sex to feel better. How I feel when we start is going to have everything to do with the result.


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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 12:33:11 AM   
WomanlyWiles


Posts: 166
Joined: 3/14/2012
Status: offline 		I have always been able to orgasm with fingers and tongues, but as I've become older I've become more orgasmic. I can now orgasm from penetration, nipples, and less traditional erogenous zones such as my bottom lip (on my face!) neck, wrists. I can also orgasm from touching a penis, reading erotica and just deciding I want to. Don't even get me started on my maths fetish.

Clitoral orgasms are the most powerful and full body for me. They leave me dazed and literally weak at the knees. I can only have one or maybe two of these at a time as they make my clit too sensitive.

I'm pretty lucky in that I've always been comfortable being naked, and that my first sexual experiences were good ones, with men who cared about my pleasure. And possibly because of that, I've never felt shy of telling a man what I do and don't like.

I generally have a least a dozen orgasms in a single sex session, twenty is not uncommon, and I've had more.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 12:38:43 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		Do you ladies actually count your orgasms??
Usually I'm like so in the zone enjoying it that my brain is mush and there is no way I can count.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 1:10:26 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

Do you ladies actually count your orgasms??
Usually I'm like so in the zone enjoying it that my brain is mush and there is no way I can count.
There have been times that I did. What's funnier is those occasions where I'm getting to that almost continual level. MP will just look at Me in disbelief and ask Me how many I had. Simple thing to ask, right? I can't say I feel all that bright having to admit that I don't know.

Not that I'm actually complaining about that.



_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 3:22:06 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		I don't know of any females who are capable of having many orgasms in a single session who can tell you how many she's had. After a while, you get all warm and fuzzy in your brain. Which *IS* the point.

I don't actually lose consciousness, I go somewhere else, somewhere deep into my primal brain. I am completely compliant and totally open to suggestion. It's not *just* sub space -- it's deeper. It can last 20-30 minutes easily after having had a long series of multiple orgasms. Himself always knows when I'm back because I burst out laughing -- from the sheer unadulterated relief (I guess.)

BTW: He's great at oral. He can always get me off that way, it doesn't matter how tired or stressed I am. Which he loves, since he does love the control in that. He was taught how to do oral properly. And I believe an important part of this discussion should be that in my experience, all men who are great lovers were at some point in the past taken in hand by a knowledgeable female and taught what to do and when to do it.

It's one of the things that irks me about females who can't achieve orgasm -- 100% of the time they tell me they lie to their husband, bf, or lover because they 'don't want to hurt his feelings.'

I hate that crap. How on earth is a man supposed to know how to get you off if you don't tell him?

I've had sex with both men and women, and I have to say, yes, men are variable in their sexual response. Females are mega-variable in their sexual response. What I love, LP might not be able to stand. The amount of pain that puts me over the edge, lw might not even notice. The intensity of spanking that would make the bunny dripping wet might have me screaming for the cops.

I looooooooove it when Himself sneaks up on me and scrapes his beard over the back of my neck, it makes me break out in goosebumps instantly. (He loves that one, too).

Someone else might find it scratchy and weird, another might find it creepy, another might have issues with being so close to her neck w/o warning. If you don't talk to him about what you do and don't like, about what gets you off and what turns you off, you only have yourself to blame for not having orgasms.

So far in my own personal sexual history, I have never had sex with a male who *didn't* want to know how to get me off and who *didn't* want to have that conversation. Most especially as it lead to lots and lots of lovely practice.






< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 2/20/2013 3:24:25 AM >

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 4:03:58 AM   
MissBlueangel


Posts: 147
Joined: 6/28/2012
Status: offline 		I orgasm rarely if ever, and god knows I try, perhaps thats the problem.
Magic wands are a punishment to me, I hate the tickly sensation, and oral is the same.
I can DIY it but it has to be hard so a gentle touch is no good either.
Mind the painkillers Im on kill orgasms too I learned from the forums.
But it has never been easy for me anyway.
My wiring is obviously kaput and I so wish it wasnt :(

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 4:10:18 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Medication is capable of effecting even *my* ability to orgasm. At this point, I refuse to be on any medication that effects my sexual functioning. Yes, it might initially be embarrassing to tell the doctor, but you owe it to yourself to find meds that don't effect you.

Also, trying too hard is the worse possible way to go about it. You need a partner who understands your issues and can get you into a nice spacy sub space -- using tons and tons of foreplay along with extensive edging techniques.

I think most females will agree, if you *try* to have an orgasm, you won't, unless you DIY, and often not even then.

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 4:21:03 AM   
MissBlueangel


Posts: 147
Joined: 6/28/2012
Status: offline 		I know you are correct CP.
Its like Im on a quest to find the holy grail. I feel myself getting more and more tense, even doing it to myself.
I think a bad experience when I was young and 30 years of marriage to Mr Missionary has screwed my works.
Help !

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Its only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure.
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Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would chose pain
The Wild Palms by William Faulkner

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RE: The elusive female orgasm - 2/20/2013 4:21:09 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Great post ^^^ Chatte.

Most men don't mind a little help finding the way to get a woman to orgasm, but sometimes ego can slow that up.

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Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

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