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Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 7:49:15 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I am working on submitting mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have been talking with a Dom who believes in this concept and I really like it. Since we talk online and via phone and text, if I want to express how I'm feeling I have to be very straightforward. As of recent, he has told me I'm either too clingy (by telling him too much or being to expressive) or too distant (not telling him enough). Help! Any doms/masters out there that believe similar thoughts and have some suggestions on where to find a happy-medium? :)
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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 8:20:26 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

Will the relationship remain online only or will you guys eventually meet?

Don't invest more in the relationship than the other person is willing to.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 8:23:39 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Hopeing to eventually meet.

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 8:54:16 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Have you actually met this person?

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:13:19 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Not yet. There is a distance barrier, and I want to get to know him before going that far. But I am getting some mixed vibes and we've only been talking for about a month. We are talking through some things (wants, needs, desires, ect.) But I'm still unsure.

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:20:11 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

But I'm still unsure.


So is he.

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:20:28 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		That's interesting... in what cases is he saying you're "clingy" and then "distant?" Maybe it has to do with the subject matter and he's using buzzwords to try to steer you in the direction he wants? I dunno...
To me, clingy isn't about telling too much and being expressive, clingy is about not wanting to be away from someone or being too dependent on that person.

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:23:58 AM   
Toppingfrmbottom


Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline 		I think he is playing mind games. Personally .

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:26:23 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I know the relationship (may it just stay friendship or become more) is still very young. And I know the confusion is normal. I've just never had the clingy issue before and I do think you are right about it being used to move me in a certain direction. Its not standard in terms of being clingy. It is more casual conversaations that he claims my clingy-ness or distance.

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:26:24 AM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRin it~

Based on my own experiences, Im going to say something you might not like. For me, this is a huge red flag. He's telling you what he wants, then criticizing you for doing it. Too clingy and too distant? How on earth can you figure out how to be successful given those two extremes? A good dom sets them up to succeed. Im not seeing much chance for you to feel like you can succeed given these parameters. For me, I'd feel like I couldn't do right no matter what I did if I was in your situation. But I do wish you luck.

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 3/8/2013 9:30:50 AM >

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:29:39 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		No I do appreciate the more straightforward words :) you may very well be right. But we will see where it goes. He does seem like a good person and potentially good dom/master. I'm just unsure where I stand to him, which we've been discussing slowly. I am also unsure of his exact wants and am wondering if he is doing this to see where I am on his side. Like if I can/will meet his desires and expectations.

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:34:07 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Random tests with meaningless hoops don't really work so well, though. Someone may be perfectly willing to meet expectations if they just know what they are. Telling you you're at one time too clingy and at another too distant -- that doesn't really help you know what the expectation even is.

Are you too clingy when you talk about your day at work? And too distant when he wants to yammer about sex and you're not going into enough detail? =p Just curious.

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 9:40:37 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I would say that if you haven't actually met face to face....you probably have way too much invested in someone that you haven't met yet.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)
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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 10:15:37 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		FR

OP, don't you think you will find it awkward if you get used to submitting now and then when you meet you aren't in to him?

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 10:16:07 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
No I do appreciate the more straightforward words :) you may very well be right. But we will see where it goes. He does seem like a good person and potentially good dom/master.

That's always a possibility but like everyone else here my spidey sense is tingling on this one. I'm not going to repeat what everyone else said but I agree with every post here.

I think you are overcommitted and it's making you spin your wheels. I have grave concerns about his side too. I think you should meet.

Jeff's #1 rule of submission: Don't give authority to an asshat.

The corollary there is be very careful about giving ANY authority to someone you don't know pretty well. It takes time and actual contact to build trust. You have none of that now... or virtually none. Try to remember that.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 10:42:36 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		One thing stands out more than the rest. You said the two of you have only been communicating for a month. It would be very difficult to come to any significant decision in that short a time. My council would be patience. Especially as there is a distance issue involved. My slave and I started with emails, and went on to phone discussions for a year before we decided to meet in person (there was a distance for us as well).

Other than that I really agree with a lot of the people who have already commented. How can one be both too clingy and too distant? They are kinda mutually exclusive! My other suggestion would be don't ask us, ask him. And if he cannot define for you what he is saying to your satisfaction, I would suggest you consider taking a pass on this person.

Communication is everything, and if the two of you cannot communicate clearly, the resulting relationship is likely going to be full of more negative experiences than positive.

(in reply to JeffBC)
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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 11:12:42 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

I would say that if you haven't actually met face to face....you probably have way too much invested in someone that you haven't met yet.


This. I just would not put up with that nonsense. How could one be clingy when one has not met yet? I suppose you could be clingy and get attached to someone you have not met, but that would be quite desperate and neurotic.All forms of online communication lack tone, and the other person can misread or misconstrue everything.


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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 11:18:55 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Fast reply

I would say something like 'you're giving me mixed messages here. Please explain to me what you consider to by 'clingy' and 'distant' and why, because at the moment I'm not clear on what you want from me'.

If he is able to give you an answer, I'd take that away and really think about it. Look back over emails and chat logs and see if you agree with his conclusions. The reason I say this is because what one person considers 'distant' is what the next considers healthy boundaries. And clingy or needy to you might just look like friendly and affectionate to me. Do you understand what I'm going for here? You need to be able to decide for yourself what a suitable degree of openness and closeness is for you. If you've been wanting constant contact, wanting to know where he is all the time, making big plans for the future even though you haven't met - maybe that is a bit clingy for so early in the relationship. On the other hand, if you've just been sharing details of your life or considering a meet-up and he calls that clingy, well maybe not.

Some people need to talk a lot about their feelings, others like to keep it to themselves. I don't know which you are, but if you want to share and he doesn't want to hear it, you're not going to be a good match long term. Likewise if he wants you to pour your heart out but you just don't work like that, you might not be good together. Neither are wrong, just not compatible.

Although it does sound like this guy is expecting you to read his mind on how to be the perfect woman.

PS. Submitting mentally, physically and emotionally is great. But at Jeff pointed out, you REALLY don't wanna submit until you know this guy isn't an ass and after a month online, you don't know that yet. Even in the flesh, people don't generally go right into total submission. It takes time, trust building, and ironing out the creases.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to Dyfrynt)
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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 11:53:58 AM   
subsfaith


Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

Any doms/masters out there that believe similar thoughts and have some suggestions on where to find a happy-medium? :)


There is only one person that can tell you what the happy medium is... his expectations will answer the question for you :D

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 12:11:05 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Add Me to the folks who have very little faith in what's going on here. It's been a month of communication, never been in person, and conflicting instructions. Don't be shocked if dude turns out to be married, either.

All of that aside, I'll do My best on the clingy vrs distant thing. Clingy - you want to ramble on about mundane stuff that honestly isn't interesting at this stage in the relationship. You want to talk longer than the other person is willing to hang on the phone or more often. (Seriously, I'd lose My mind if somebody wanted to be on the phone two hours a day, every day, when there's really nothing important to say.) Whining or pouting when it's time to hang up. Not understanding that the other person has a whole, physical life/world where he is and you expect to be the center of the universe.

Distant - Again, the mopey attitude when it's time to hang up or because the conversation is steered in a certain direction. Not providing full disclosure on topics that the other party honestly feels are important. Reluctance to answer direct questions.



None of the above may be behaviors that are going on here. What I'm giving you is a perspective from a person who is very priority oriented, who also isn't a big on frequent long phone calls.


_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
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