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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/10/2013 4:34:51 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I have noticed a lot of the time on the distant side it is normally scheduling, otherwise it the clingy/distant is mostly emotionally. I know I can either bottle things up or let too much out and at times have issues finding a "happy-medium" But, on some issues, I don't get if he wasnts more or less...so I start with what I feel is less, and play it by ear.

For example: if he asks if anything in my past has brought me to where I am now (bdsm related) I would simply say no. But in fact there are things in my life that have added to who I am, but I feel not directly related to this lifestyle. He may think then I am being too distant by not sharing about my childhood. But then if I explain that my dad died when I was little, it may be too much. So then I'm back to where is the middle/safe ground.

If that makes sense, lol.

(in reply to xssve)
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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/11/2013 8:11:56 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Do you really wanna be with a guy who makes you walk on eggshells and you are afraid to even talk to him....about anything???

Master and I can talk for hours about absolutely nothing at all and it doesn't bother either one of us on what we are sharing. I had a relationship once where I couldn't communicate with him at all because he would ignore me. Master though, he loves hearing anything I have to say. There are times when he wishes I would talk even more about certain things...like emotional stuff.. He can read me like a book so either way, he gets it out of me.

Anyway, if you two can't communicate because you're afraid to speak at all and he can't seem to figure out what he wants from you, then this relationship you are in will not last whatsoever.

Good luck


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Everything has changed

(in reply to hollycheer91)
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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/11/2013 8:32:15 PM   
absolutchocolat


Posts: 1392
Status: offline 		He does sound like a special little cupcake.

If you feel like you need to cater your responses to his approval, then this is probably not going to work. For instance, I used to date this guy who was amazing to outsiders -- handsome, wealthy and smart -- but fuck, he used to psychoanalyze every fucking thing I said! Plus, he was very egocentric and uptight. Once I got past the "ooh, he's so hot" stage, I realized that he was the most annoying person I ever dated. We were better off as friends.

Also, I don't think you should kill yourself trying to figure out why he's behaving the way he is. Like LW and others have said, everything online is just wank fodder until he's close enough to smell and touch. Nothing against online-only relationships (my first fiancee was someone I met on Yahoo!), but don't put your heart into it until you really know this guy. Good luck to you.

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 63
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/11/2013 8:38:40 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Do you really wanna be with a guy who makes you walk on eggshells and you are afraid to even talk to him....about anything???


Not to mention, you're walking on eggshells this early into the relationship. People are on their best behavior for the first few months. If this is his best behavior, what will it be in a few months?


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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/11/2013 10:21:42 PM   
TAFKAA


Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

I am working on submitting mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have been talking with a Dom who believes in this concept and I really like it. Since we talk online and via phone and text, if I want to express how I'm feeling I have to be very straightforward. As of recent, he has told me I'm either too clingy (by telling him too much or being to expressive) or too distant (not telling him enough). Help! Any doms/masters out there that believe similar thoughts and have some suggestions on where to find a happy-medium? :)
Look, a Dominant worth his salt will hold his own council and decide whether you're:

A) Capable of being moulded and thus worth his time
B) Too much of a basket case to rectify and thus not worth his time

The fact that he's bitching to you about your behaviour means he's a fucking pretender - a weak ass pussy playing at dominance.

Ditch him. You'll either do it now or you'll end up doing it later. This fuckwit is not worth your time. (Unless you're equally fucked in the head, in which case this may be the best you can get).


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(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 65
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/11/2013 11:07:18 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I'm not with him, nor have I ever been. I have just been chatting with him and he has turned me to questioning some things. Needless to say, I didn't think it was going anywhere but he made me feel like I was broken and needed fixed. :/ dumb I know but I just felt so low that it made me question a lot of thing.

None the less, still looking for the real deal :)

(in reply to TAFKAA)
Profile   Post #: 66
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/12/2013 12:17:30 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I don't think you need fixed Holly, I think you need a guy who won't try to undermine your confidence so he can get into your pants.

Losing your father as a child is a huge life event that will have shaped who you are as a person. You shouldn't have to censor big important things about yourself because he doesn't want to deal with the fact that you are a human being with feelings.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 67
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/13/2013 1:28:39 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		(Ahhh so TAFKAA IS Awareness ^_^ I was like "man... why's that joker using Awareness's avatar?" haha - nev'mind)

Holly, keep posting and always ask questions. :)

That "makes you feel broken and like you need fixing" thing is typical manipulator stuff. They can make you feel that way, and of course also set themselves up as the only one who can do the fixing. :)



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"Obey your Master." Metallica


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Profile   Post #: 68
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/13/2013 6:40:09 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

he made me feel like I was broken and needed fixed. :/


I have never understood the psychology of tearing someone down in order to build them up. I think it is emotionally unhealthy.

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- Albert Einstein

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 69
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/13/2013 6:45:44 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Holly, my dear...keep this in mind as you search for a dominant. We dominants should set our submissives and slaves up to succeed, not tear them down by causing them to doubt themselves. If you are talking with a dominant and they do what this asshat did, that should raise a red flag in your mind. Keep asking and keep learning.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 70
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/15/2013 1:21:44 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		Hi Holly,

Try reading "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love" (which I got from my library), and look for a man who is the Secure type.

(In other words; I don't think it's you - it's him.)

Good luck!

KK

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(in reply to hollycheer91)
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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/15/2013 8:46:34 PM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		That book looks super interesting :) on the "to read" list it goes ^_^

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"Obey your Master." Metallica


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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/15/2013 10:17:43 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
I'm not with him, nor have I ever been. I have just been chatting with him and he has turned me to questioning some things. Needless to say, I didn't think it was going anywhere but he made me feel like I was broken and needed fixed. :/ dumb I know but I just felt so low that it made me question a lot of thing.

The bolded part stuck out for me. I've been chatting with this girl in Amsterdam. Honestly, I think I've probably turned a few of her ideas about "proper M/s" on their ear for her. But if you were to ask her she wouldn't say I was causing her to question things... she'd say I was helping her find answers. She wouldn't be writing here about being confused. She'd be here saying how much less confused she was. She most definitely wouldn't say I make her file like she's broken. She'd say that she felt cherished for who she is.

Make of that what you will.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 73
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