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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 8:35:00 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

I dont know, I never really got that. typically it goes something like this::(keep in mind this is not all the time, just occationally this issue arises, hints the forum post) He will ask a question or make a comment that I respond to in one way or another. He will normally discuss what I said and then tell me how I responded emotionally. And if I get edgy (or defensive, or whatever) about it then he says something to the affect of: "I am not mad/upset, your emotional answer/comment shows that you are a girl and you are putting your heart into it, which I like, but...." and then goes on to discuss how I could have gone about it differently to basically get a different emotional response.

Now, it does make sense that I have emotions and am a girl yada yada....BUT I dont really get why I have to have a certain response...that sorta defeats the whole purpose of me...Yes you submit but you shouldnt loose yourself completely....at least not in my opinion.


Are you serious?.

He sounds like a manipulative asshole. Do you want a relationship with someone who critiques your replies? Or one where someone takes you for you.

I would tell this guy to go play in traffic. He sounds so creepy.

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 8:59:44 AM   
tommonymous


Posts: 404
Joined: 1/21/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

Learning how to take a compliment is a virtue.


And not giving backhanded compliments or talking around people in their own threads like this is good manners.

You have a lot of great knowledge to share ChatteParfaitt, thank you for doing so. But, to be frank, sometimes your delivery needs work. (And so does mine.)

_____________________________

"Remember kids. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all." --Hillwilliam

And just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it will (or ought to) work for everyone.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 9:06:58 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
JeffBC - I do like that you pointed out that it shouldn't be so soon, I agree. I like your comparison with your current long term relationship (and marriage) because it is useful to see how it should/could be. Its very interesting and helpful. Thank You.

Thanks. I'm not against TPE, internal enslavement and the idea that it can make sense to give your very self to another. I'd call that a fairy tale marriage actually. I'm just against placing that sort of trust in someone you don't know.

If you want to eat blowfish for dinner that's cool but you really oughta make sure the chef knows what he's doing before you wolf it down, neh?

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 9:09:53 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
Yes you submit but you shouldnt loose yourself completely....at least not in my opinion.

In my opinion, you shouldn't be submitting to someone you've never met.

You're getting emotionally involved with someone you don't know. And it doesn't matter how much you talk via phone, email or IM.....you still don't know him. You've put the cart waaaayyyyy in front of the horse and you're worrying about things you shouldn't be worrying about at this stage.

Meet for coffee or lunch....and decide if you even like him before you get into submitting and trying to decipher all of this.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 1:31:57 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Thank You! If I would have said that I would have gotten my head ripped off.

I am just trying to figure out what some may consider not important right now but I guess it is my own way of determining if the relationship holds a future. When it comes down to it, if I'm questioning these things now, it nay be clear that it won't work or ect. I think it would be nieve of me to think I know the answers to everything. I am VERY inexperienced and need all the help/information/knowledge I can get. Whether its positive or negative.

I do appreciate the compliments and the critisisms...what I don't appreciate is constant negativity just because of a previous post. I did apologize for that, and there isn't anything else I can do but move on, which I'm trying to do :)

(in reply to tommonymous)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 2:04:19 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
I do appreciate the compliments and the critisisms...what I don't appreciate is constant negativity just because of a previous post. I did apologize for that, and there isn't anything else I can do but move on, which I'm trying to do :)


I don't think you got any negativity on this thread for your previous posts. Chatte was saying that it reflects well on you that you continue to ask questions even though you've been given a hard time in other threads, which would put a lot of people off.

And as unfortunate as it is that you got off to a rough start, when all people know about you is your posting history, it is going to have an impact on how they think of you. You can't say 'don't judge me based on how I've acted!' because what else can they judge you on?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 2:07:39 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I'm just going to stop asking questions or posting on the forum. Save everyone the trouble. :)

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 2:19:08 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		Sooooo, if you don't do things his way then you aren't doing it "right" in his view. I'd have a problem with that. I would probably find that this man wouldn't be one that I was interested in, because I'm not looking to be someone else, I'm looking to offer what I have that someone else would want. He's saying he doesn't want you the way you are, but why try to be something you aren't?That's an exercise in futility right there, you'll constantly be waiting for the next time he corrects your actions, and second guessing yourself all the time. I don't think that's a great way to have a relationship.

I was with someone who contradicted himself on lots of things and it never got less confusing to me or less cheesy...for the lack of a better way to express myself. One thing we constantly ran into was that he encouraged me to come to him when I had something to talk about, and then wasn't receptive when I did. It wasn't conducive to a smooth relationship. I kept holding back for fear of upsetting him. I can see how this Dominant's tendency to correct you may make you feel like walking on eggshells around him for fear of doing something wrong. It's not a good way to live.

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 2:39:56 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

I'm just going to stop asking questions or posting on the forum. Save everyone the trouble. :)


As you wish Holly, it's a shame because as I've said before, I do think you need someone to talk to about these things. Deep down you know what you think is right, but it seems you have at least one guy doing his best to persuade you he knows better.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 2:56:49 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

I'm just going to stop asking questions or posting on the forum. Save everyone the trouble. :)

This is the common thread to every person that stays stuck & co-dependent. Boo hoo asked questions & people said leave the dirtbag i gave evidence of being a dirtbag. Turns into I can't be a slave at all I guess because I can't please the dirtbag & refuse to do what's involved in getting healthy so I can find a good local Dom.
But we're mean & the only person punished is you? Umm humm gotcha

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 3:03:36 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Oh no. That was not at all to the comments about the question. Those I greatly appreciate! I just hate all the constant assumption being made that I'm such an awful person. I'm just curious and trying to figure out who I am or where I stand. I never intended to offend anybody, and it was the only post that I did so. (As far as I'm aware) and I did apologize, and am trying to grow from everything. And it seems everyone is just here to break you down and offend you.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 3:26:27 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		Why do you believe you need to be apologizing to us for making choices fucking up your own life???
We have opinions, sometimes strong ones, on certain topics. Thing is if YOU aren't happy with YOUR life, relationship, kink... THEN CHANGE IT!!!

This need for strangers approval (dom included) is something only you can fix!

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 7:15:57 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		My piece of advice to the OP would be to forgo any relationship that starts with "long distance", or "on-line", and endevor to meet someone locally. Its much easier to understand what someone is talking about when they are in front of you.

(in reply to theRose4U)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 7:36:14 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I do see the point there, but the few people I have met locally hasnt turned out so well for me. Just them claiming to have experience that they dont. Which I know can be the case online as well, but I dont feel comfortable meeting with anyone until I have some idea who they are. Just a personal preferance.

I dont know where any online relationship may go...or any regular one for that matter...But Im open to the oppourtunity once it presents itself.

(in reply to kiwisub12)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 7:39:16 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		That's what dating is for, to find out about them. Your way is putting the cart before the horse.
Or have you never met someone at a party and accepted a date?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 7:46:11 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

That's what dating is for, to find out about them.


Exactly.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 8:09:36 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

I do appreciate the compliments and the critisisms...what I don't appreciate is constant negativity just because of a previous post. I did apologize for that, and there isn't anything else I can do but move on, which I'm trying to do :)

Don't stop posting, holly. Some of the very ones acting as fonts of wisdom have made their own shitty posts before. Bigoted posts about "white trash" spring immediately to mind. We have quite the faction here who thinks that's an acceptable and even funny term while talking out the other side of their mouths about how racism and bigotry is evil. Calling them on it leads to endless pissing and whining but it doesn't change the fact they're bigoted when it comes to that subject. Some of those judging you are very guilty of that and other things themselves. Take their edicts with a grain of salt and decide what works for you. Good luck.
luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 8:12:40 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91


I dont know where any online relationship may go...or any regular one for that matter...But Im open to the oppourtunity once it presents itself.

All the blathering about how an online relationship can't be good or real and that you don't know anyone at all through phone communication, etc. is bullshit. I met my Master/husband here 7 years ago. We talked online and then by phone everyday for six weeks and then I drove 800+ miles to spend a week with Him. I moved to him 14 months later and we've been married 5 years in May. I didn't know Him at all according to these naysayers. Geez, for somebody I didn't know at all and for only having communicated online and by phone, it sure worked out for us. Don't let strangers discourage you from what you feel is right. Ever.......luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 3/9/2013 8:13:04 PM >

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 8:43:52 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I talked to Master for two years online before meeting him. Did I know him because of all that time? Nope. I didn't know anything at all about him until we actually started dating in real life, face to face. Up until that point, he was a total stranger, no matter how much we talked online.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to slaveluci)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/10/2013 4:14:13 PM   
xssve


Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline 		Haha. I dunno, how badly do you want to live up to this no-ideal? It's a pet peeve of mine, but I've been stuck in it too - you have to focus on the positive things, keep feeling your way along - an ideal is by definition, an abstraction, and there no logical limit to an abstraction, by definition, whereas the world we live in is imperfect, and has limits.

Anyway, I get that a lot too: too this, too that, move on.

Far as clingy, you have to define that, what, emotional? Physical? You're staying in touch with him, I appreciate that, the distant part of it is I have business to take care of, presumably, you probably do too, so rather than get dramatic about it, I'll suggest it's a scheduling issue: if it his fantasy, then he should tell you where and when, under what circumstances, etc.

_____________________________

Walking nightmare...

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 60
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