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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 12:38:46 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		OK.. last year I finished a relationship in its early stages because I felt that at times she was too needy and at others too distant.

We had met a couple of times, and the dates were fine... but it became clear that we just weren't likely to be in the same groove... Despite liking her to bits, she seemed to text me at exactly the moment I just wanted some downtime, and to not be there at all when I fancied a natter.

Not her fault, not mine. Just a lack of grooveage.

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(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 2:07:35 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You're not compatible. He is never happy with your emotional vulnerability nor contact needs. He expects you to be aligned with his desires but won't tell you what they are exactly. It appears as though he is afraid of being emotionally vulnerable and falsely believes that a d/s relationship will not require good communication and relationship skills.

Either meet for coffee immediately or wish him good luck. And I'm betting if you tell him you want to meet now, and not for sex, he'll have some excuse not to.

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 3:28:12 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		As you have all pointed out it has only been a short time that we have been talking. I'd like to get to know him better before meeting, but we have discussed just meeting for lunch one day. And then see where it goes from there. :) I never knew how to adress him when he said I was being clingy/distant without getting defensive (or coming off that way), and not intentionally. But I do like all the great tips for focusing on my needs and understanding my side as well as his. :)

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 5:02:02 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Numbers.

When I had online relationships, I had a rule that each of us needed to initiate contact a minimum of three times per week. Phone calls, messaging chats, emails, whatever. In my experience, less than that and a relationship won't work.

More than once a day would probably be too much.

He's the Dom. He has the right to adjust the frequency of communication. But if he's not able to tell you what he does want, in terms of a ballpark number, and simply tells you that you're doing it wrong, he's either toying with you (in a bad way), or doesn't know what he's doing.



_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 5:35:33 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I like the logic behind that! That's a way good idea!

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 10:19:15 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Answer: He just wants you to cater to his fantasy in his head. Follow his directive. Get into the roleplay. He doesn't really care what you are or aren't saying as long as you're following the script.

He's not wanting to know about your life. He has no interest in partaking in your life. You're just someone online to get his jollies off. When you start showing emotion with him it means you're getting attached and he definitely does not want that. When he ways you don't talk enough, it means he's bored and he wants you to talk sexy to him so again, it gets into the fantasy in his head and the script can start again.



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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 11:06:37 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Well, on a normal basis I would agree with that...however, he is asking me to express every emotion because he wants my "heart in it" as he would say...but then if the answer is too emotional or not emotional enough it causes bariers

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 11:10:06 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		He wants your heart in what?

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 11:29:33 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		I dont know, I never really got that. typically it goes something like this::(keep in mind this is not all the time, just occationally this issue arises, hints the forum post) He will ask a question or make a comment that I respond to in one way or another. He will normally discuss what I said and then tell me how I responded emotionally. And if I get edgy (or defensive, or whatever) about it then he says something to the affect of: "I am not mad/upset, your emotional answer/comment shows that you are a girl and you are putting your heart into it, which I like, but...." and then goes on to discuss how I could have gone about it differently to basically get a different emotional response.

Now, it does make sense that I have emotions and am a girl yada yada....BUT I dont really get why I have to have a certain response...that sorta defeats the whole purpose of me...Yes you submit but you shouldnt loose yourself completely....at least not in my opinion.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 11:42:55 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Soooo basically he thinks because you're a girl your answers are too emotional.

Sounds to me like he's trying to "fix" you. He wants to "rescue" you from whatever he thinks is wrong with you. Yup, lots and lots and lots of those around. It never ends well.

It usually goes something like this: You have a lot of issues that I will help you with. I will make you better, stronger, blah blah blah....and once he does, he'll get bored and find another to fix and so the cycle goes on.

That's been my experience at least.

So those are the two scenarios I'm going with. In your response to me, I'm going with this one.


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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/8/2013 11:59:00 PM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Im beginning to wonder if even pursuing anything with ANYONE is even worth the work anymore.

either that or I am just prone to douchebags :/


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 4:04:00 AM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

Im beginning to wonder if even pursuing anything with ANYONE is even worth the work anymore.

either that or I am just prone to douchebags :/



I'm thinking this douchebag isn't worth it. KNOWING you attract douchebags is a base to grow. Instead of letting random douchebag head shrink you, might be time to look at the bag pattern?

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(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 4:59:54 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Soooo basically he thinks because you're a girl your answers are too emotional.



littlewonder, that's just the kind of emotional comment I'd expect from a girl.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 5:07:47 AM   
LillyBoPeep


Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline 		Yeaaaaaaahhh -- this guy definitely is not worth the time. "You're a girl and you're putting your heart in it" blah blah blah. That is some pretty typical crappy psychobabble from male Doms with too much emphasis on their own brains...
He doesn't sound like a fixer, to me, so much as he sounds like a straight-up manipulator who tries to make himself look intuitive and intelligent so you trust what he says. Next thing it'll be "trust me, i know you through and through, you can totally get away with taking your panties off in a super market and texting me the pics."

Pfft. =p

I've had a few friends who tangled with guys like that, and they'll know they're looking straight at stupidity, but the want to be with someone who pretends to "understand" them is so strong, they just ignore it.
I would not get this invested in someone you haven't met in person. I think lw is right, also, in that he doesn't want the emotional attachment, but he does want your attention for a little while. He's basically just fiddling around with you over the webbernetz.

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RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 5:14:24 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91

typically it goes something like this::(keep in mind this is not all the time, just occationally this issue arises, hints the forum post) He will ask a question or make a comment that I respond to in one way or another. He will normally discuss what I said and then tell me how I responded emotionally. And if I get edgy (or defensive, or whatever) about it then he says something to the affect of: "I am not mad/upset, your emotional answer/comment shows that you are a girl and you are putting your heart into it, which I like, but...." and then goes on to discuss how I could have gone about it differently to basically get a different emotional response.


If you want to remain friends with him, fine. But I would advocate against thinking of him as a Dom. He isn't.

A Dom will control your actions. He thinks he can control your emotions. He can't and shouldn't try.

He's going into longwinded discussions to prove that he's right. A Dom will assume he already HAS that right instead of justifying it.

A Dom will create clarity in your mind. He's creating confusion.

Keep up with your search for a Dom. He's not it.

Edited to add: I wrote this post before Lilly posted above. GMTA. Two votes thus far for "dump him".

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 3/9/2013 5:16:17 AM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 5:43:17 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
Now, it does make sense that I have emotions and am a girl yada yada....BUT I dont really get why I have to have a certain response...that sorta defeats the whole purpose of me...Yes you submit but you shouldnt loose yourself completely....at least not in my opinion.

OK, I do everything you described with Carol. And yes, I do expect Carol to "loose herself completely". In point of fact she's a bit freaked out by that right now so she's busy sorting out whether she wants to continue or not. But there's something you don't seem to be tracking.

Carol and I have been married for 17 years now.. living under the same roof for almost 20. It's been a good marriage... really good. There's a LOT of trust built up. Yet even so, as I noted, this business of editing her emotional responses (and generally loosing herself in the remodelling I do) is freaking her out. YOU, on the other hand, have chatted with this guy a few times online. The reason you are here posting this is because you're brain is trying to tell you that YOU'RE BEING A RECKLESS FOOL!!!!! You ought to heed that warning. It isn't mine... it's why you posted. It's your own warning.

Insofar as this guy... he's playing with a human being. My disdain for him is boundless. Even when I am able I do not assert this sort of dominance over people I don't know well because I have to look at myself in the mirror every morning.

WHY are you submitting (or trying to) so deeply ot a guy you don't know hardly at all? No, he's not really a douche-bag. I suspect he's mostly clueless and you are mostly reckless. That is a recipe for disaster.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 5:52:21 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		I gotta say that after reading the recent posts I agree with LW and the others.

This man is an idiot manipulator - not a Dom at all.
DS explained it quite well.
What your 'Dom' is doing isn't domming at all - he's screwing your head in order to make you think he's fixing you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hollycheer91
....BUT I dont really get why I have to have a certain response...that sorta defeats the whole purpose of me...Yes you submit but you shouldnt loose yourself completely....at least not in my opinion.

Absolutely spot-on!
This one is not worth the trouble.
Deffo a douchebag that you should kick into the kerb IMHO.

Finding a compatible mate, whether vanilla or BDSM, is going to take time and patience.
When you find the right one it'll be worth all the effort

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 5:54:54 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

I suspect he's mostly clueless and you are mostly reckless. That is a recipe for disaster.


From my POV, they are BOTH clueless and reckless. She at least has the sense to come on here and ask some questions, even though she's been shot down in threads before.

I agree with Lilly, crappy psychobabble from a desktop diminant. Move on, you can do waaaaaaaaaaaay better. Create some boundaries for yourself in terms of how far away someone can be (100 miles or so) to ensure a relatively rapid meet. And don't get emotionally invested before the meet. Don't enter into ANY sort of power exchange before the meet.

Take it from those of us with experience, it's not worth it. You might meet and there is zero real time chemistry. If you are already emotionally invested and calling him 'master' -- that's going to confuse the hell out of you AND hurt you.

There's nothing wrong with using online as a filtering/dating service, many couples meet that way. But keep your before meet interactions as friends getting to know one another.

Any 'dom' not willing to do that is a not worth the time and effort.

JMO, YMMV

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Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 7:51:43 AM   
hollycheer91


Posts: 41
Status: offline 		Shot down in threads before? Seriously. The point is to gain insight from others, yes I have mistakes in a post before, but who really cares. (At least I don't) because this post has nothing to do with that. I was looking for thoughts opinions to work on myself. This doesn't really have much to do with this particular guy because I want to get myself to a place that I like in the lifestyle, figure out where I belong.

JeffBC - I do like that you pointed out that it shouldn't be so soon, I agree. I like your comparison with your current long term relationship (and marriage) because it is useful to see how it should/could be. Its very interesting and helpful. Thank You.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Clingy Vs. Distant - 3/9/2013 8:12:03 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Learning how to take a compliment is a virtue.

I did give you credit for asking for advice.

Here's some more insight: Leading with your pussy is *always* going to attract the low hanging fruit. You're old enough to know that.

_____________________________



(in reply to hollycheer91)
Profile   Post #: 40
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