Looking for a new Dom when seeing another

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Looking for a new Dom when seeing another

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Looking for a new Dom when seeing another

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 9:00:29 PM

notnewnotexp

Posts: 19
Joined: 3/11/2007
Status: offline

I have been seeing a Dom for about six months now. He is married, but in an open relationship. I've met his wife and she is fine with our situation. He and I have a great time together both in the BDSM area and in vanilla situations. I was not looking for a married man, but we just clicked.

However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. He knows I am looking, and no one would be happier for me than he would be if I were to find a good relationship with someone of my own. But, this makes for complicated conversations with potential new Doms. I do not want to lie and not tell people that I am seeing someone, but by being completely upfront I find it scares a lot of men away.

I really enjoy his company and if I was to find someone, I think we would always stay friends. Is it wrong to think I can keep seeing him while looking? Is it "having my cake and eating it, too"? Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?

Thanks in advance for your responses.

Post #: 1

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 9:06:58 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Let me ask you:

If you were talking to a Dom and he said that he's currently seeing someone, but would drop them if someone came along that clicked. How would you feel about starting to date that person?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

Post #: 2

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 9:31:49 PM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

I don't think you can reverse the situation here, we're not taking about dumping a sub here, we're talking about releasing one.

I believe the protocol here is for the prospective dom to contact your current dom, if that scares the guy off then he probably doesn't have the cajones.

I don't know how much protocol you guys do, but I would feel better about it, I know you're not just rolling around in some dimly lit meatpit, if you are in a relationship, one assumes you have what it takes to be in a relationship, no? The more information I can get about you the better, and who should know you better than your current? i.e, I can talk to somebody who already knows you, he can sound me out on your behalf, etc. - it doesn't have to all be handled like a third party transaction, but just to touch base, get his blessings, or whatever, it's not that big a deal.

_____________________________

Walking nightmare...

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 9:42:09 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. <snip> Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?

You could say to a potential partner: "I've been involved for a few months with a married dom who has his his wife's blessing, but I know now I don't want to be the person on the side."

It's honest; it's clear you're not a sneak-about, and it states what you seek now. Bottom line: you're a female submissive who will have many suitable candidates. There's no need to be alone, to lie, or to settle. If you want to have it all, you can. Good luck. Please let us know how it works out for you.

< Message edited by MistressDarkArt -- 3/11/2013 9:43:34 PM >

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

Post #: 4

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 10:04:07 PM

TAFKAA

Posts: 382
Joined: 1/5/2013
Status: offline

Your situation would imply you're a casual player and thus, not worthy of my time.

_____________________________

The asshole formerly known as Awareness

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

Post #: 5

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 10:04:57 PM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

I have been seeing a Dom for about six months now. He is married, but in an open relationship. I've met his wife and she is fine with our situation. He and I have a great time together both in the BDSM area and in vanilla situations. I was not looking for a married man, but we just clicked.

However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. He knows I am looking, and no one would be happier for me than he would be if I were to find a good relationship with someone of my own. But, this makes for complicated conversations with potential new Doms. I do not want to lie and not tell people that I am seeing someone, but by being completely upfront I find it scares a lot of men away.

I really enjoy his company and if I was to find someone, I think we would always stay friends. Is it wrong to think I can keep seeing him while looking? Is it "having my cake and eating it, too"? Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?

Thanks in advance for your responses.

If you and your Dom are that close, and He understands your reason for leaving is simply the situation, it seems to me He might HELP YOU SEARCH, to make sure your new Dom is a good match and you are well cared for, perhaps going with you to meet prospective new Doms, rather than have you risk getting involved with a bad match.
Just My opinion, but in an established CARING D/s relationship the Dominant should have a feeling of responsibility for your well-being, and that includes transfering you to another Dom safely.

Where is DarkSteven tonight? I want to hear His take on this.
--MM

< Message edited by MAINEiacMISTRESS -- 3/11/2013 10:06:18 PM >

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

Post #: 6

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 10:15:20 PM

muhly22222

Posts: 463
Joined: 3/25/2010
Status: offline

In all honesty, I don't know that there is a way to introduce the fact that you're playing with one guy and looking for a long-term guy that's going to make it more or less appealing. I know that I'm generally not interested in people who have some sort of ongoing play arrangement with another person, so if it was me on the other end, that would make me lose all interest.

I think that most (reasonable) people are understanding of the fact that you're talking to others in addition to them at the beginning, and they're fine with that. But I wouldn't spend (waste? probably) my time on somebody who was already getting play on the side. First, it's a potential complication and source of conflict if/when you and the potential Dom want to start establishing the basic parts of a D/s dynamic. And second, it makes it seem to me like while you'd certainly like a relationship, you can't wait for it to happen to get your rocks off...and that isn't a personality trait that appeals to me.

I'm not saying that that applies to you, that's just how I tend to interpret those kind of situations generally.

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

Post #: 7

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 10:47:46 PM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
Joined: 10/3/2006
From: Atlanta
Status: offline

I'd say you could keep playing while looking. I'd fill your current Dom in on it though- no reason why he should fuss.

I also don't know why anyone you were meeting would complain- there's no rule anywhere that you have to stay chaste in between serious relationships, it's just a kinky fuckbuddy FFS.

_____________________________

HBIC

(in reply to muhly22222)

Post #: 8

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 11:31:46 PM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

It depends on your relationship with your current guy.

Do you view him as your Dom? Do you regard yourself as a 'couple' in any way?

Or is he just a really nice guy you hang out with and sometimes play with and have sex? And, most importantly, do you see yourself as being 'single'?

If it's the former, then I'd think about splitting with him sooner rather than later. As OsideGirl said, "f you were talking to a Dom and he said that he's currently seeing someone, but would drop them if someone came along that clicked. How would you feel about starting to date that person? ".

If it's more casual than that, then there's no harm in having fun while you're single.

I had a guy I'd see every couple of weeks for great sex/play, and between times were were really good friends. I continued this casual relationship for a couple of years while I was looking for something more permanent. I met other potential Doms, but none really progressed past a second or third date, so I continued seeing my 'casual friend'.

As soon as I met Master, I realised there was something special happening so I immediately stopped sex/play with this other guy, although we remain good friends.

Master knew I wasn't a virgin and had had several kinky partners. I knew the same about him. After a few weeks of dating we talked about, and agreed upon exclusivity. There was no big drama about who we'd been seeing, just a commitment to each other from that point on.

If he'd asked the details of my casual relationship, I'd have told him. He isn't particularly interested though, nor am I interested in his.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

Post #: 9

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/11/2013 11:38:19 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm actually a fan of casual play. In My opinion, however, a dynamic is something else if you are intending to find a monogamous relationship.

You didn't call this guy a play partner. You called him a Dom. In this, you are setting the stage that shows you'll hang in there until something better comes along. It's fair warning to the new person that you will 'search' while in a current relationship. For you, it's something like a safety net that allows you to search for others while you still have what you've got. Not everybody is going to see it like that

If you're poly, and seeking those who are poly, I'd say there wouldn't be a problem. I don't get that vibe from your post.

I understand very well why somebody wouldn't want to be a secondary relationship. I totally get wanting it all. However, if you want to be the "all" to somebody else, you have to be the "all" for them, too.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Lynnxz)

Post #: 10

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 12:14:57 AM

FrostedFlake

Posts: 3084
Joined: 3/4/2009
From: Centralia, Washington
Status: offline

I think the Mono/Poly theism splits at the line that divides the folks that think sharing is okay and the rest. It's a pretty broad line. I'll bet Kinsey has a graphic. Some of the time it won't matter. Some of the time a better way of putting it might matter. A lot, if you really like the guy. Or gal.

But only if you plan to be Mono. If, upon due reflection, this should turn out not to be so, and it isn't NOW, then problem solved. He who runs saves you the trouble.

So. Consider a moment whether you really have a problem.

_____________________________

Frosted Flake
simul justus et peccator
Einen Liebhaber, und halten Sie die Schraube

"... evil (and hilarious) !!" Hlen5

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 11

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 1:55:05 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm actually a fan of casual play. In My opinion, however, a dynamic is something else if you are intending to find a monogamous relationship.

You didn't call this guy a play partner. You called him a Dom. In this, you are setting the stage that shows you'll hang in there until something better comes along. It's fair warning to the new person that you will 'search' while in a current relationship. For you, it's something like a safety net that allows you to search for others while you still have what you've got. Not everybody is going to see it like that

If you're poly, and seeking those who are poly, I'd say there wouldn't be a problem. I don't get that vibe from your post.

I understand very well why somebody wouldn't want to be a secondary relationship. I totally get wanting it all. However, if you want to be the "all" to somebody else, you have to be the "all" for them, too.

I agree with all of this.

For me (I know, not your target audience) 'I have a regular play partner, but I'm looking for an exclusive relationship going forward' isn't a problem. Just some fun while you are single. But 'I have a dom, but since he's married I'm looking for someone else and will leave him for the right person' would put me off. I don't wanna be second best because your first choice isn't available, nor would I want to be with someone that might stick with me just until a better offer came along.

On the other hand, as people have pointed out, if you are looking for long-term poly it shouldn't be an issue to have and continue to have a regular play partner.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 12

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 3:29:24 AM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I think the answers you've gotten are good, and I'd agree with saying that it depends with what you are looking for in the new relationship. You say you don't want to be a permanent side dish, so I'll go with thinking you want a long term monogamous relationship in the future? If that's the case, I feel keeping your good time on the side right now would be to your detriment. I'm not sure the quality person you seek would be attracted to anything less than that for himself, and like it or not, your current sexual activities will be judged just as you would judge another person from your side too.

Seems like it's already happening that men are being scared off. Do you want that to continue or find the long term relationship? It's up to you. These men have no idea if you're really planning on cutting things off with him or not, maybe they think chances are high that you'll sneak around to see him when you are supposed to be with them. I realize this all has to do with the eventual configuration of your relationship, but if I were them I'd definitely wonder about your future behavior. Something to think about...

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

Post #: 13

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 5:42:13 AM

searching4mysir

Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressDarkArt

quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. <snip> Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?

You could say to a potential partner: "I've been involved for a few months with a married dom who has his his wife's blessing, but I know now I don't want to be the person on the side."

It's honest; it's clear you're not a sneak-about, and it states what you seek now. Bottom line: you're a female submissive who will have many suitable candidates. There's no need to be alone, to lie, or to settle. If you want to have it all, you can. Good luck. Please let us know how it works out for you.

The only thing I would add to this is that your current dom knows you are looking elsewhere and you have his blessing.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)

Post #: 14

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 6:32:23 AM

IamMuffin

Posts: 6
Joined: 3/8/2013
Status: offline

One big free for all,
or truly alone.

Perhaps the latter
Perhaps the former if one is needy

(in reply to searching4mysir)

Post #: 15

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 6:59:23 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

I guess I don't see what the issue is. You explained it in this post quite clearly. AT most, I might want to call and speak with your current Dom and his wife. If I got the same story from them I can't imagine why I'd think of this as cheating or any sort of "bad behavior".

Insofar as other doms getting scared off... LOL. You need to find some men who are actually dominant. I don't scare that easily. I'd either assess you as a liar or not. In addition I might decide there's baggage here you're not seeing. But I wouldn't be scared off and I'd absolutely want to investigate further before coming to any such conclusions.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to notnewnotexp)

Post #: 16

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 7:53:10 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Well, now actual dominant men might not actually be 'scared' off. They might just not be into the sort of monkey who has a firm grasp on the foward branch before releasing the hindmost, when swinging from tree to tree.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 17

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 8:06:52 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail
Well, now actual dominant men might not actually be 'scared' off. They might just not be into the sort of monkey who has a firm grasp on the foward branch before releasing the hindmost, when swinging from tree to tree.

As I said, there may be other reasons why they choose not to play. But if "scared off" is it then I'm sticking with my original diagnosis.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 18

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 8:16:02 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I would agree in principle, but I do think that 'scared off' as a phrase in respect to this situation is absolute asswipe, and is in no way indicative or realistically descriptive (let alone prescriptive) of the situation at hand.

I think it is designed to malign another and distract from the very human situation embedded in here.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 19

RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 10:56:48 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

ehhh plenty of other "unencumbered" girls out there. Why bother dealing with one that is already "involved"??? I get it you want your cake and eat it too which is fine. I just not going to hop on your merry go round.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Looking for a new Dom when seeing another

Page: [1] 2 3 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.250