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RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 11:08:45 AM   
LizDeluxe


Posts: 687
Joined: 10/2/2011
Status: offline 		Is it wrong to think I can keep seeing him while looking?

No. Under the circumstances of your situation I don't see a problem with it as long as you are honest with them as you have been here.

Is it "having my cake and eating it, too"?

Maybe, but so what? Again, as long as you are being honest and there is no deception it should not be a problem.

Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening?

Not one 'across the board' method, no. Everyone is different. Some people will have no issue with your situation while others will run for the nearest exit. The manner in which you present it will likely have little impact on that.

Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?

It would probably scare off fewer candidates that way. It's a judgment call.



(in reply to notnewnotexp)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/12/2013 11:09:27 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lynnxz

I'd say you could keep playing while looking. I'd fill your current Dom in on it though- no reason why he should fuss.

I also don't know why anyone you were meeting would complain- there's no rule anywhere that you have to stay chaste in between serious relationships, it's just a kinky fuckbuddy FFS.

Dead on.
But don't be shocked if the new Dom isn't thrilled about continuing contact with the old one. That's just human nature.

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Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/13/2013 6:00:06 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: notnewnotexp

I have been seeing a Dom for about six months now. He is married, but in an open relationship. I've met his wife and she is fine with our situation. He and I have a great time together both in the BDSM area and in vanilla situations. I was not looking for a married man, but we just clicked.

However, I do not want to be on the side for my whole life. He knows I am looking, and no one would be happier for me than he would be if I were to find a good relationship with someone of my own. But, this makes for complicated conversations with potential new Doms. I do not want to lie and not tell people that I am seeing someone, but by being completely upfront I find it scares a lot of men away.

I really enjoy his company and if I was to find someone, I think we would always stay friends. Is it wrong to think I can keep seeing him while looking? Is it "having my cake and eating it, too"? Is there a way to bring it up with new Doms that makes it less threatening? Do I need to be completely alone in order to find someone?

Thanks in advance for your responses.



Why do you have to tell these guys at all about your current Dom? When you find a Dom you click with and want to date more and you finally decide you want to spend more time with him, then just drop the current Dom and stick with the new guy. The new guy doesn't need to know anything. The current Dom doesn't need to either as far as I'm concerned since I don't really see your current relationship as serious since you said you want something more.

ETA: I could see why a guy might not be interested if you told him though. He'll feel like you do right now. He'd also be afraid that you might not be having safe sex and be overly cautious of getting sexual with you. Also, if like my thinking, I don't want to get to know someone that's in a relationship right now even with a long term play partner like you've given me the picture of. It sounds like you care a lot for this Dom. For me that could create a problem where there will be a lot of emotions involved or you might still cling to him once you were involved with another. No one wants to fight the ghost of another.



< Message edited by littlewonder -- 3/13/2013 6:05:47 PM >

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RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/13/2013 6:13:15 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

They might just not be into the sort of monkey who has a firm grasp on the foward branch before releasing the hindmost, when swinging from tree to tree.


That's kind of where I was going with my question.

It's been my experience that Dominant men tend to be territorial. There aren't a lot of them that are really okay with the submissive they're dating, dating someone else at the same time, regardless of how casual it is.

This situation also has the competition angle going on with the "I'll drop him, if I find someone that I click with". It implies that you're shopping and holding out just in case something better comes along.



< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 3/13/2013 6:32:33 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/13/2013 6:23:15 PM   
TwoHeartsBeatOne


Posts: 479
Joined: 10/30/2012
Status: offline 		There's a group on FetLife called, "Compersion." You may find that set of discussion threads to be informative about the issues you are dealing with. Also, there may be a Dom there who is better suited to your situation.

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(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/13/2013 6:44:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

They might just not be into the sort of monkey who has a firm grasp on the foward branch before releasing the hindmost, when swinging from tree to tree.


That's kind of where I was going with my question.

It's been my experience that Dominant men tend to be territorial. There aren't a lot of them that are really okay with the submissive they're dating, dating someone else at the same time, regardless of how casual it is.

This situation also has the competition angle going on with the "I'll drop him, if I find someone that I click with". It implies that you're shopping and holding out just in case something better comes along.




The one that you do catch may also be suspicious and always wondering if he's the guy you're holding onto until a better one comes along. He'll never fully trust you, will always be wondering who you're with, why you want to hang out with Mr so and so, etc...


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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/13/2013 7:31:43 PM   
SomethingCatchy


Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline 		If you're not seriously dating this fellow and you're only casual play partners and friends, then there's no reason to tell people unless you'd like his help in screening others. In that case, it's as easy as saying you're under his protection because you value his friendship and maturity. You can then outline what you are looking for.

If you're seriously dating this person and consider yourself 'taken' instead of 'single' then you need to let go, accept him as a friend only, possibly a mentor, and find yourself a new man who matches more closely with what you want. If it takes longer than a few months to find someone, I'd revisit the option of casual play, since it gave you both some time to distance your emotions from each other.

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(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/13/2013 10:13:21 PM   
LizDeluxe


Posts: 687
Joined: 10/2/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy
If you're not seriously dating this fellow and you're only casual play partners and friends, then there's no reason to tell people unless you'd like his help in screening others. In that case, it's as easy as saying you're under his protection because you value his friendship and maturity. You can then outline what you are looking for.


Ick. I wouldn't touch anyone who used that lame phrase with a ten foot pole.

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 5:55:27 AM   
monotalie


Posts: 8
Joined: 2/10/2013
Status: offline 		I was just in the same situation recently and I couldn't find anyone better than Him. I was still under His control, under His influence, and under Him;)
It seemed perfect lay out and I was upfront about me having a Dom, but looking for LTR with another one. It didn't end really good, because He was trying to apply some rules and other Doms would get a feeling like they were being controlled by Him. It was a mess.

However, it is much better now, when we decided to be friends, even sleep in one bed and having no sexual relationship. And now I feel single, I feel unattached physically and emotionally, I feel like I'm doing fair to my future Dom. I am ready to fall in love and submit to my perfect Dom:)

My advice is to remain friends with ex Dom if you are really great together, but clear your heart for a new Dom.


(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 8:12:48 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

If you're not seriously dating this fellow and you're only casual play partners and friends, then there's no reason to tell people unless you'd like his help in screening others.In that case, it's as easy as saying you're under his protection because you value his friendship and maturity.
Which is fine right up until the new guy finds out that you didn't tell him the truth.


quote:

I was just in the same situation recently and I couldn't find anyone better than Him. I was still under His control, under His influence, and under Him;) It seemed perfect lay out and I was upfront about me having a Dom, but looking for LTR with another one. It didn't end really good, because He was trying to apply some rules and other Doms would get a feeling like they were being controlled by Him. It was a mess.


Exactly. It ends up being territorial and a power struggle.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 9:54:03 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy

If you're not seriously dating this fellow and you're only casual play partners and friends, then there's no reason to tell people unless you'd like his help in screening others.In that case, it's as easy as saying you're under his protection because you value his friendship and maturity.
Which is fine right up until the new guy finds out that you didn't tell him the truth.


quote:

I was just in the same situation recently and I couldn't find anyone better than Him. I was still under His control, under His influence, and under Him;) It seemed perfect lay out and I was upfront about me having a Dom, but looking for LTR with another one. It didn't end really good, because He was trying to apply some rules and other Doms would get a feeling like they were being controlled by Him. It was a mess.


Exactly. It ends up being territorial and a power struggle.


This. I'm territorial and there would be a power struggle...if I decided to get my hands dirty and bother with engaging in the power struggle instead of just walking away.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy
If you're not seriously dating this fellow and you're only casual play partners and friends, then there's no reason to tell people unless you'd like his help in screening others. In that case, it's as easy as saying you're under his protection because you value his friendship and maturity. You can then outline what you are looking for.


I would see this as deception and manipulation. I seek transparency, and someone pulling the wool over my eyes in order to get what they want would not be a good start. I WOULD eventually find out anyway, so it's better just to let me know from the beginning.

Someone trying to handicap my judgment?...by withholding and manipulating facts...feeling justified in doing so...because they want to become "my submissive"???
are they thinking?

Sounds like a great plan to me.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 10:24:26 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

If you're not seriously dating this fellow and you're only casual play partners and friends, then there's no reason to tell people


Agreed.

(I'm curious if other posters were objecting to this part or what followed?)

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Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 10:34:09 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

If you're not seriously dating this fellow and you're only casual play partners and friends, then there's no reason to tell people


Agreed.

(I'm curious if other posters were objecting to this part or what followed?)

I agree too. I find it a little odd that people seem to believe OP owes full personal disclosure to a brand new person. IMO, she doesn't owe new guy squat unless and until they decide together that the time has come to share personal information. And like Lynnxz, I don't believe she is obligated to be celibate when not in a serious relationship. Interesting and silly double standard.
YMMV of course.

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(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 10:44:52 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
I find it a little odd that people seem to believe OP owes full personal disclosure to a brand new person.


I don't think that the OP owes full personal disclosure.

My responses were explanation of why men aren't interested.

But, I will say that if you are sexually involved with more than one person you should be honest about what you are doing. Simply, because 1) STDs can be transferred even while using protection and 2) there aren't any accusations of misconduct later.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 10:49:42 AM   
SpiritedRadiance


Posts: 1341
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline 		You know If this was a Dom talking about a sub, Thered be a roast that would be hard to contend with telling him how awful he is and blah blah blah

OP heres the thing.. Monogamous men... tend to want MONOGAMY...go figure...

Fucking some dude while your trying to find a Monogamous man, is going to not end well for you...

So if you want monogamy, offer it, by being single not fucking some married dude, and being emotionally over said married dude...



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(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 10:59:52 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I don't think that the OP owes full personal disclosure.

My responses were explanation of why men aren't interested.

But, I will say that if you are sexually involved with more than one person you should be honest about what you are doing. Simply, because 1) STDs can be transferred even while using protection and 2) there aren't any accusations of misconduct later.

Very much the highlighted above. A person has every right to make a conscious choice about being involved with someone with multiple sex partners.



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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 11:23:08 AM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
I don't think that the OP owes full personal disclosure.

My responses were explanation of why men aren't interested.

But, I will say that if you are sexually involved with more than one person you should be honest about what you are doing. Simply, because 1) STDs can be transferred even while using protection and 2) there aren't any accusations of misconduct later.

Very much the highlighted above. A person has every right to make a conscious choice about being involved with someone with multiple sex partners.



Of course. By the time sexual health becomes relevant to OP and a new man, they would presumably have reached the stage of agreeing to share personal information. I tried to convey that IMO OP does not owe information about her personal life to any new guy at the very outset.


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(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 11:39:41 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
By the time sexual health becomes relevant to OP and a new man, they would presumably have reached the stage of agreeing to share personal information.


Judging by how many people play and have sex on the first meeting, I won't make that presumption.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

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(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 12:33:47 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2
By the time sexual health becomes relevant to OP and a new man, they would presumably have reached the stage of agreeing to share personal information.


Judging by how many people play and have sex on the first meeting, I won't make that presumption.

Sure; if people are going to have sex at first meet, then first meet IS the time to share personal info. If that's not on the agenda, then OP and similarly situated people (IMO) are under no obligation to reveal all personal information, including whether they have play partners.

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Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
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(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Looking for a new Dom when seeing another - 3/14/2013 4:28:37 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Is he your dominant? Does he have the right to tell you what to do and what not to do? Do you have a punishment dynamic?

Or is he just a friend who you have kinky sex with on occasion?

Because if that, then all you need tell someone you start to date is that you presently have a fwb relationship but you are willing to become exclusive should your relationship deepen. However, this means you can't object if he's seeing others as well.

My question is about where you are emotionally? If all your needs are now being fulfilled, then where in your life is there room for someone else? Will you not subconsciously compare any new man to this one who already knows you? Because if you do, they'll lose. Of course they won't do anything as well as the present guy does. Which means you probably won't get into a new relationship as long as this one is fulfilling most of your needs.

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(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
Profile   Post #: 40
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