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RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 7:33:58 PM   
cordeliasub


Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline 		A Dominant has his submissive's well being in mind. And this guy doesn't have your well-being in mind. And it sounds like what he thinks he needs isn't comfortable for you.

Ending something is tough, but just be honest, be brief, and then be gone. Trying to "convince" him why it should be over is always a vicious cycle.

(in reply to zpenguin)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 7:35:15 PM   
MistressDarkArt


Posts: 5178
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

quote:

ORIGINAL: cravelizzybabe
Then there was the condom issue, I'm not ready for a baby,but I am on birth control. I had to talk to him for like 2 hours about how we need to do both, he eventually was okay with it.

Dude is stupid as fuck. That's all I have to say about your long post.



Walk away from this dumbass. It is NOT going to get better. Learn to say: no condom, no problem...we can always go to a movie instead. Amazing how fast the tune changes.

Good luck, OP. You are a young, submissive woman. That means you can have your pick. Always remember that.

(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 7:37:36 PM   
cravelizzybabe


Posts: 10
Joined: 2/4/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for your help. IT means a lot, and please know it's helping me a great ton.

(in reply to MistressDarkArt)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 7:58:35 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		You're not attracted to him in person, that'll never change. It happens, we meet people online and it's hard to tell how that part will go. He's an idiot and that won't change either. He completely ignored your wishes on multiple points and gave you guilt trips about it, are you looking forward to more of that?

He's shown that your boundaries don't mean squat to him. Why exactly do you feel like sticking around for more of this BS? Please, you're only young once and you're in a hotbed of suitable people. Go find one - this guy isn't worth anymore time. You can try more explanations and more 'talks', but he's just going to do the same thing and agree to shut you up and do what he wants.

(in reply to cravelizzybabe)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 8:14:43 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		So he raped you, doesn't care about your feelings, has no clue what he's doing, and doesn't seem to care? And you're concerned about HIS feelings?

He doesn't deserve you.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to cravelizzybabe)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 9:57:06 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Sweetie...as a person with A LOT of experience in cultures that believe in female submissiveness...It is NOT the same thing.m you fell for something, I have seen way too much which is sub women thinking that men from such places are "natural doms" (in fact this is a perfect example of how everything can be established for it but only certain men should actually do it). You are dealing, not with someone who sees the yin and the yang of the D/s, or someone who sees the strength in the sub..you are dealing with someone who believes men are dominant BECAUSE they were born with cocks. This is not someone who would respect a LadyPact or a Lucylastic for their (probably better) abilities to dominate... This is someone who sees you as a Western woman who is sexually promiscuous but also the "doormat" he is accustomed to... He RAPED you. I don't care about the type of sex act or the guilty consent you probably believe you gave. This is SO MANY shades of fucked up! You need to do the following:

-cut off ALL COMMUNICATION. Do not Skype, do not respond if he sends you a hate filled letter accusing you of every bad thing known to mankind, if you see him on the street, in a restaurant, in a class...you do not make eye contact, do not even say excuse me if you bump into him & spill hot coffee in his lap! You are the type to be "guilted" or convinced that he is right & he is the type to twist your words and actions to make it work for himself & make you think HE is the victim.

-you need to find some sort of counseling. I understand that those of us in this lifestyle sometimes feel we cannot get help because the therapist will judge but there ARE kink-friendly therapists. Ask around here or on Fetlife & you will be surprised. You are a walking target & I do NOT want to see you get hurt again by a guy who mistakes misogyny for dominance.

-you need to establish a network of like minded friends that can "sniff out" this type of bad idea. College campuses can be very insular & judgmental of people who are different so I understand not wanting to try to find people there but look into TNG in your area. You need to see good doms in action...you do not need to be involved in a relationship just you need to see the difference between good & bad.

-he will VERY likely try to intimidate, bribe, cajole..you into seeing him. I don't care if he sends you a custom Ferrari, with a truckload of designer clothes and the Hope diamond sitting in the front seat. I don't care if he tells you he was "wrong" "confused", "did not understand because things are different where he is from" "that he wants a second chance"...YOU DO NOT ENGAGE! YOU GET AWAY!

(in reply to zpenguin)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 10:03:57 PM   
CarolBC


Posts: 18
Joined: 2/19/2012
Status: offline 		~fast reply~

LafayetteLady gave you the best feedback. You've got a script in your head that goes along some BDSM-Harlequin-Romance-theme. You want a strong, dominant type to lace his fingers in your hair as he commands you to submit to his brutally wonderful training that leaves you wet and spent. His script is a lot more basic: he's got a kinky girl on the line and wants to get it on and see about all that servicing. Except when he gets going, you have to stop him and spend hours teaching him all about your novel and how he's playing the part all wrong.

You need to step back and let go of your "shoulds"...you've got it in your head that you need a certain kind of guy who 'trains' you a certain way so you can feel a certain way in a scene that looks a certain way. That path only leads to confusion and bitterness on your part. You're at the confusion part right now. Dollars to donuts says you'll end up in the bitterness part pretty soon.

Stop looking for Mr. SuperDom and see what people have to offer you when you're not trying to put a square peg in a round hole. This is your time to learn, not teach.

_____________________________

I prefer to defer.

Married to JeffBC...but don't assume we think the same. Actually, you should assume we really DON'T think the same.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 10:08:22 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Huge massive ginormous red flags are whipping furiously in the wind, OP. If he cannot respect and value you as a woman, he is not worthy of the respect and value you would be placing in him as a dominant. He's a douch canoe, tool, moron, asshole-y jerk. You deserve better.

Dump him like yesterday's stinky garbage. Keep your chin up and you can find the man out there eventually who will be able to be the man you deserve. This dude isn't that guy

(in reply to CarolBC)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 10:10:12 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: cravelizzybabe
Sorry this was long, any help would be so appreciated.

When adults engage in adult activities with other adults but behave like children then bad things results... sometimes tragically bad things. You need to dig deep inside yourself and find some sense of personal responsibility. That will be the first step towards being an adult. As it is, I think you're a serious threat to anyone you're in a relationship with.

On a go forward basis... assuming you want to press on as an adult... I'd recommend being more forthright with your boyfriends. Look, you have some specific fantasy in your head. You want to be "trained" and all that shit. Whatever it is you read or saw or listened to, it'd help your future boyfriend an awful lot if you'd simply spill the beans rather than making him suss out whatever fantasy is in your head.

And for god's sake don't confuse ANYTHING in your fantasy with actual dominance or submission. Honestly, it doesn't even sound like you are bottoming to me. It sounds like you're trying to dominate/top your boyfriend and doing a damned fine job of it.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to cravelizzybabe)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/3/2013 10:42:52 PM   
MasterAutarch


Posts: 38
Joined: 3/6/2012
Status: offline 		The main thing that bothers me from your description of the guy is that he sees no reason to study up on BDSM until you have sex with him... Indicates a very selfish, manipulative, lazy and not very smart personality that I would not wish on anyone. So in general the advice here is right, look for someone willing to work at the relationship.

Testosterone - Guys get horny. It's a fact. When a guy is horny you can get him to say almost anything with the promise of sex. The album Bat out of Hell I think pretty much said it. And the guy will do whatever he can to get you to get him off. But most of us Can control ourselves. It may put us in a bad mood and leave us with blue balls but you can settle your mind and put up with it. How can a Dom who can't control himself control you? But just so you know, when a guy is horny it really puts him on edge. Of course, for many years, Hairy Palm was my sidekick and Miss Terry Towel kept me sane.

Culture - I had a foreign cultured friend who would not date a woman more than 3 times if she did not put out. But when he got married he said it had to be a virgin. I asked him many times how he would get to know a virgin well enough to want to marry her .... many cultures have some strange requirements or standards including that the man is "dominant" and gets to call the shots. But in the background the man talks to and is guided by the wife. At least that was how it was in our house. My mom had to get an OK from my dad on everything, but the way she presented it to him meant she got what she wanted almost all the time. You and the guy you are talking about are confusing cultural dominance with BDSM dominance. The public facade of his Cultural dominance is probably what attracted you to him. But in private he has no clue and is expecting you to guide him. The sad part is that he is too lazy to go do some more serious research / reading and is taking his BDSM education from a few porn movies. If he is not willing to put in some time to understand dominance then he is not likely to put in the time to make the relationship work long term.

Rape - It bothers me that people are jumping on the rape accusation so fast and easy here. Rape is a very serious act and a very serious accusation. What do you mean when you say he "forced" you to give him a BJ? i.e. did he physically hold you and make you do it on threat of violence or did he simply threaten that he will leave and not see you or did he really pressure you by telling you how much he needed it and if you liked/loved him you must do it? The latter two are coercion. They may not be nice or right but they are not really rape. It could have been a matter of will power and yours was worn down (all those hours arguing why he needed to use a condom if you fucked... sheesh.) Again, in many cultures wearing down a woman to get her to put out is fair game, whether it is with pleading, medical excuses, love, breakup threats, worry about his dying mom and of course questioning your love for him, all is allowed to get laid. However, as underhanded as these are they are not rape.

And yes, it is wrong that, you feel pressured to have sex when you are not comfortable with the relationship and he is not very good at it. Not wrong on your part but the relationship is wrong.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 1:05:46 AM   
descrite


Posts: 459
Joined: 5/14/2012
Status: offline

What JeffBC said. Men have friends they don't have sex with: they're called "men." We don't need a woman who lives a considerable distance away, won't have sex, and wants to take up two hours of our time each night, to be our "friend." What we look for in women is sex. The flavor, frequency, tempo, style, position, duration, tone, and pressure can all be negotiated, but the sex must be a given.

And you don't love anyone you've met twice: you don't even know that person; loving them is out of the question.

Please apologize to this young man for appearing to be something he wanted and wasting his time, and let him move on.

(in reply to MasterAutarch)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 1:09:44 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: descrite



What JeffBC said. Men have friends they don't have sex with: they're called "men." We don't need a woman who lives a considerable distance away, won't have sex, and wants to take up two hours of our time each night, to be our "friend." What we look for in women is sex. The flavor, frequency, tempo, style, position, duration, tone, and pressure can all be negotiated, but the sex must be a given.

And you don't love anyone you've met twice: you don't even know that person; loving them is out of the question.

Please apologize to this young man for appearing to be something he wanted and wasting his time, and let him move on.


In what twisted, scary parallel universe did Jeff say anything related to the rest of your post?

I obviously can't speak for him... but I have a funny feeling he ain't gonna agree with anything you say in your post except maybe this: "And you don't love anyone you've met twice: you don't even know that person; loving them is out of the question."




< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 4/4/2013 1:13:45 AM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to descrite)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 2:05:28 AM   
thezeppo


Posts: 441
Joined: 11/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: descrite



What JeffBC said. Men have friends they don't have sex with: they're called "men." We don't need a woman who lives a considerable distance away, won't have sex, and wants to take up two hours of our time each night, to be our "friend." What we look for in women is sex. The flavor, frequency, tempo, style, position, duration, tone, and pressure can all be negotiated, but the sex must be a given.

And you don't love anyone you've met twice: you don't even know that person; loving them is out of the question.

Please apologize to this young man for appearing to be something he wanted and wasting his time, and let him move on.


I disagree with almost everything I see you post, but I also laugh out loud at most of them. In this case I think you are making a good point in a blunt way. The OP is clearly giving the guy some very mixed messages, and the whole relationship seems to be built on a mutual misunderstanding of what the other person expects. The dude doesn't sound like a nice person, but the OP is trying to make him conform to the fantasy she has in her head without even telling him what that fantasy is. IMO even a very nice dominant man who is prepared to give her all the time in the world would not be able to do what she wants, because she isn't prepared to tell him. Rather than people just advise her to move on to the next man, she really should be working out what she expects from her relationships before she gets into them.

Men and women can be friends though, completely disagree with you there. I suppose you provide a counterbalance to the posters with a tendency to immediately blame the one with the penis in these situations though. As usual the answer is somewhere in between.

(in reply to descrite)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 4:29:29 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		You have confused a domineering male with a dominant one. Easy to do when you're young and inexperienced.

You're 'fuzzy I'd like to be in love' emotions are telling you that you're in love, b/c that feels good. Your gut is telling you to run. Which one do you think you should believe?

Trust your gut and dump this guy. It's won't get better.





_____________________________



(in reply to cravelizzybabe)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 5:39:17 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		I can actually see why this young horny guy would be frustrated. He goes into the second date being promised sex. And he is on OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY mode, and gets refused. Im sure his hormones were on SKY HIGH then he had to tell his " pecker " to forget it. He was pissed. Then you all laid in bed together to add to his frustration.
Then he is telling you I dont care about Bdsm, or learning it until after sex. LOL. He is telling you he doesnt give a flying shit, he just wants to try the goods, he isnt serious about learning or he would want to learn first.
He is not a dom, he is just domineering. You are the one trying to train him. He hasnt an inkling what you are talking about. Submission to him, is him being served, you doing what he wants, his needs met, sex, he knows nothing about how to stimulate your mind, soul, body, heart and doesnt care. Staying with him would mean, you submit period, its not about being inspired by him. He doesnt have that mindset.
I understand you like him, he is cute or whatever, but you will be horribly disappointed staying with him. He isn't gonna supply what you are after. Move on to someone who will capture your mind first before they touch your body. A real dom. Then everything else will fall into place.

_____________________________

I am like a box of chocolates, you never know what variety you are going to get on any given day.

My crazy smells like jasmine, cloves and cat nip.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 6:39:46 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
In what twisted, scary parallel universe did Jeff say anything related to the rest of your post?

Well, not this scary parallel universe obviously. I pretty much disagree point by point with descrite's view.

To clarify, what I do think is that a woman's state of mind is the only thing that separates "great lover" from "rapist". That state of mind forms "consent" based upon whatever desires and personal boundaries she has. This woman, I think, is a risk to men around her because she has no personal boundaries, only some personal desires, and everything that happens to her seems to be someone else's fault. In other words, I don't think she can form "consent" even in her own mind. If she was able for form some yes/no answer and actually own it herself I don't think she could communicate it to anyone else. So I think she does the men around her a favor by avoiding having a sexual affair with them until such a time as she can clearly formulate and communicate consent.

This is the sort of story that rather horrifically (to me) makes me nod my head in understanding when I hear Republicans talking about "legitimate rape".

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 6:48:50 AM   
cordeliasub


Posts: 528
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline
quote:

What we look for in women is sex. The flavor, frequency, tempo, style, position, duration, tone, and pressure can all be negotiated, but the sex must be a given.


This explains so much......

OP, I do think you would benefit from spending some time knowing exactly what you want and exactly what you are ready for....and then making sure that you share that - and only that - with someone that you are becoming close to. What this man did was asshattish (is that a word?), but you did send some mixed signals. Once you know yourself, then stand firm with what you know....don't try to be what you think someone wants you to be - be YOU.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 6:52:57 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		Lizzy,

Words are cheap. The determination for character is does his actions meet up with his words? From what you have written here, the answer is no. The man sexually assaulted you by trying to force you to blow him and you are making excuses for him.

_____________________________

No longer searching -- found my one and only right here on CM


(in reply to zpenguin)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 7:14:57 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

Lizzy,

Words are cheap. The determination for character is does his actions meet up with his words? From what you have written here, the answer is no. The man sexually assaulted you by trying to force you to blow him and you are making excuses for him.

Isn't that true for most abusive relationships??

As others have said - he's domineering, not dominant.
Two very different things indeed!!

I would cut all ties with this man(?!?) [monster] and hightail it well away from him.

Just my

(in reply to searching4mysir)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Is it wrong I feel so pressured? - 4/4/2013 7:31:29 AM   
Moonlightmaddnes


Posts: 958
Joined: 6/4/2012
Status: offline 		You are young and when you are young you think you are in love when in fact you are only infatuated with a guy. My oldest is 19 and every other girl he dated was in love with him until she would find her next love and loved him. Move on now before you waste any more of your life on this guy.

_____________________________

Submission is a gift that must be earned. It can be given, but never taken


(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 40
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