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ORIGINAL: phoenixasubbie

I think CarolBC got it right. Totally agree

And guess what? Submission isn't always fun. It isn't always sexy. Sometimes I really, really don't want to do what I'm told. Sure haven't read that in any books lately..

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ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

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ORIGINAL: MasterAutarch
The latter two are coercion. They may not be nice or right but they are not really rape.

Not really. Coercion can legally be considered rape. Although in this case, I would say that her not removing herself from the situation says that it's not rape.

OP, I have to tell you that what struck me as I read your post: You spent HOURS talking about why you're not ready to have sex. HOURS. Why did it take that much for him to just semi-grasp that concept? Didn't that strike you as odd that it required more than one sentence?

I'll agree that you invested way too much into someone that you didn't know. You wanted it to be a match rather than being realistic about the fact that it wasn't. You said it yourself, that you knew you were coming from two different places and still pursued the relationship.

So, he's a guy that doesn't respect women and you closed your eyes and jumped in anyway. You're both to blame.

I would suggest that you sit down and make a detailed list of what you want in a partner. Then narrow it down to the 10 items that are the most important to you. Then figure out the five that are nonnegotiable. If some guy doesn't hit those five items, move onto the next guy.

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So my question is, one of the dominants I served for over a year he had a wife, they were poly, ended up bullying me, treating me like shit, very mentally abusive, and ended up raping me in the end. I've gotten a lot of help for it, it was really hard for me to admit what happened that someone I loved did that to me.

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Why did i stay? Because i am 20 for goodness sakes. Met him when i was 18 ...sorry i was not smart enough to outsmart a 51 year old master manipulator right away. So why i should i be scared of myself? I should be proud of myself and instead of letting myself look down upon myself so much... for once in my life for a long time i have to see the positive because there is a lot of positive.

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ORIGINAL: kalikshama

lilmisssubmiss - I find it interesting that you were 20 when you posted this in 2011 and 19 now.

http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3704698

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Why did i stay? Because i am 20 for goodness sakes. Met him when i was 18 ...sorry i was not smart enough to outsmart a 51 year old master manipulator right away. So why i should i be scared of myself? I should be proud of myself and instead of letting myself look down upon myself so much... for once in my life for a long time i have to see the positive because there is a lot of positive.

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because of my young age i perfer old masters...someone at my age...or even 19 is a little too young and i don't think they can be as mature as i need them to be with the type of relationship i was looking for.

but saying that i don't want someone who is 56..that's just too old. i mean old as in like someone 26.

< Message edited by lilmisssubmiss -- 10/13/2008 3:49:45 PM >

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ORIGINAL: *** (I removed the name of the original poster because I wasn't sure if that violated the TOS)

Look, you're 18 years,you have a beautiful, sexy pic that shows the promise of seeing oh-so-much-more. He is either a kid, or living in mommy's basement, or an old geezer, or married, or has no social skills, or no teeth, or... you get the picture.

If he was who he says he is, then he would be falling all over himself to meet you on ANY TERMS.

Xxx

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well i know he is who he says he is..i've seen him on cam....he's actually fairly good looking

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ORIGINAL: cravelizzybabe

I've been dating this guy he's 24 for about 7 months now. We've met two times, and i got accepted into a school right by him actually. I really love him, I pictured us actually getting married eventually, as we've talked about it.

He's from a different culture, met him on a kinky website, so I thought he understood D/s and BDSM. Turns out, in his culture women are just very submissive and men call the shots. At first I liked this, being submissive and all, but I noticed (and have asked him and he has also said this is true), that BDSM doesn't get him off, he doesn't know much about it, he just thinks a woman should be submissive. This bothers me in itself because I believe it's my lifestyle choice and I do it to give me gratification and I feel content because yes it's how I'm wired and it turns me on. We are coming from two different points of views.

I knew he really wanted sex, and I remember our first meeting I told him no for sure, I remember I had to talk to him for like an hour about this. Then there was the condom issue, I'm not ready for a baby,but I am on birth control. I had to talk to him for like 2 hours about how we need to do both, he eventually was okay with it. I told him if I liked him then probably the second time we could have sex .

I said this to make him happy, and I really thought I'd be ready for it. Especially after our first meeting, I really liked him and fell in love with him too. I do want to say this is partly my fault. I thought when I saw him again I'd be ready and I told him I was excited to have sex too.

So , I saw him again last weekend. We both slept because I got in super early, and then after a few hours of sleeping he got kind of aggressive and started taking off my cloths and i just said " no.. I'm not ready" like I started to freak out. He kept trying to get at it and I kept saying no, I really thought he was going to do it... eventually he stopped and I told him I just wasn't ready. So I could tell he was frusterated and he put me to my knees and made me give him a bj.. which I wasn't ready for that either.

After we talked about it and he was worried I wasn't attracted to him, I said that wasn't it at all (I am attracted to him). He said eventually after I talked to him about it for like an hour more no joke, that it was okay and we could even wait till marriage. Well, the next night we are on the couch and he makes me start to give him a hand job... I wasn't sure if he wasn't going to try to forcefully make me do a bj.. and he asked " are you not comfortable with this? " I said I don't know.. I mean ... we just talked the other day. So he let me stop.. I felt guilty then and asked him to let me give him a bj and he said " no, I'm turned off now."

I've only seen him two times. WE talk on skype for like 2 hours a night, but seriously it through me for a loop seeing him in real life, I do have feelings for him and love him very much, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. He takes care of me though, and is very sweet to me.

We were talking about it over text once I left I tried to explain to him that in order for me to want sex the man has to control my mind and do bdsm things, and he just said " well until we have sex why should i learn about bdsm?" Which made me see he doesn't get training AT ALL. He doesn't understand it and how I need my mind to be involved . If it is then I CRAVE sex. He said things like " is this temporary ? " and asked that like 3 times.. I mean fuck I've seen him TWO times, it's not fucking temporary. He then went on to explain what the difference is between a girlfriend and a girl you have as a friend only, and I explained things like connection, energy, trust, a spark, intimacy ... He said and intimacy involves sex. And, yes it does eventually (and no I'm not a virgin, but a man has to get inside my mind for me to want sex)

I asked if he was mad and he said " well i get upset i'm not happy about it and i'm a man i can't control it i'm not going to lie and say i don't want it. I want it but you're right to say no and i'll wait till your ready." And that's fine, but he keeps saying his feelings about how much he wants it.. and I feel so pressured to be honest that it's turning me off ... A LOT. He says he is telling me his feelings and he lets me tell me his so he should be allowed to say his feelings. I agree.. and I feel bad, but his feelings I feel do put pressure on me.

I just don't know if me feeling frustrated about this is sensible. I'm getting so frustrated. Not everything is about sex .. and he doesn't know about real dominance in BDSM and power exchange, it's just that the woman is below the man.. and that doesn't turn me on at all either.. and then it's like he says it's okay not to have sex, but his feelings say something different. He truly was okay with not having sex and really understood it then why would he still have such strong feelings?..

Also, he's told me guys can't control their testosterone .. which is a huge turn off to me because I believe a boy can't, and a man can. So I asked him " if you can't control yourself, how can you control me?" he got mad and said he control himself and he proved that over the weekend... but really...did he really?

Sorry this was long, any help would be so appreciated.

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ORIGINAL: kalikshama
lilmisssubmiss - I find it interesting that you were 20 when you posted this in 2011 and 19 now.
http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3704698

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Why did i stay? Because i am 20 for goodness sakes. Met him when i was 18 ...sorry i was not smart enough to outsmart a 51 year old master manipulator right away. So why i should i be scared of myself? I should be proud of myself and instead of letting myself look down upon myself so much... for once in my life for a long time i have to see the positive because there is a lot of positive.

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I would suggest that you sit down and make a detailed list of what you want in a partner. Then narrow it down to the 10 items that are the most important to you. Then figure out the five that are nonnegotiable. If some guy doesn't hit those five items, move onto the next guy.

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what I do think is that a woman's state of mind is the only thing that separates "great lover" from "rapist"

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ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

lizzy and littlemiss are the same person, right? Or is that why I'm confused, they are two different people telling similar stories?

Help a gal out here, please, someone?

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it's how I'm wired and it turns me on.

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I knew he really wanted sex, and I remember our first meeting I told him no for sure, I remember I had to talk to him for like an hour about this. Then there was the condom issue, I'm not ready for a baby,but I am on birth control. I had to talk to him for like 2 hours about how we need to do both, he eventually was okay with it. I told him if I liked him then probably the second time we could have sex

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One of my biggest pet peeves in the BDSM community is the " fake " dominant males. Sadly, almost every supposed dominant or self proclaimed dominant male i have crossed paths with are anything but dominant males. They are weak little boys trying to justify showing the physical superiority over women in the guise of BDSM.