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How other's handle flirts and come on's to their partners. - 4/20/2013 9:23:46 AM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
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Last night was a beautiful evening to enjoy the outdoors. The man and I were relaxing on the front porch when one of the other tenants in the building came out to converse with us. I actually met my man through her as he was friends with her male friend. My man told me that on several occasions that this woman had flirted with him in the past (prior to us being together) and he just brushed it off thinking she was perhaps kidding since she is twenty years older than he is but one night she actually came on to him in a highly physical way, in that way he knew her flirting was not just kidding but serious. He did decline her offer and keeps his distance. Anyway last night she told us this long drawn out story about not having the keys to her apartment--which really did not add up because the lady across the street has a key to her front door and there is a hardware store less than a block away in which she can make a copy. Then later on she gets locked out and wants my man to boost her up through a window---but since we have a key to the back entrance to the building and he was able to unlock that door so she could get into her apartment. (she doesn't lock her door in the back.) We sort of thought it was her flirty attempts to get close to him and get him to come into her place or come up to ours since she figured I had went to bed already which I had.

This got me thinking about unwanted flirts and come ons. In my relationship if a woman comes onto the man, I say absolutely nothing to her at all. He deals with it and has had to in the past. I do express my feelings about it to him privately. But, since I am the submissive one in the relationship, I feel it is his place to handle that sort of stuff and not aide him when he is capable of taking care of it. On the flip side, if a man gets flirty and out of bounds with me, if my man were there while it was happening, I know and expect that he would handle it. If we are not with each other when it happens I will handle it on my own but let him know that it did happen.

My question is and it doesn't matter what side of the kneel you are on how do you deal with 'flirty people' both towards you and to your partner? Also does your partner agree with the way you deal with it? (Because the way it is handled in my relationship it's mutually agreed that it is to be handled in just that way.)

Post #: 1

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 9:47:39 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
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My husband is totally oblivious to people flirting with him. So short of a woman giving him a spontaneous lapdance, he generally 'deals with it' by being so totally clueless that they give up. I think it's funny. I'm not remotely bothered by people flirting with him - I'm secure in our relationship and even though we're monogamous, I think a little flirting is good for a person. If we had a friend who was constantly making heavy-handed come-ons, I imagine we'd eventually stop spending time with them, but only in the same way we wouldn't want to spend lots of time with anyone who had poor social skills and couldn't tell what was appropriate (eg someone who kept turning the conversation to their own political rantings when the rest of the group clearly didn't want to join in).

Having always been one of the few women in male-dominated workplaces I've had my share of flirty banter but I like to think I'm a pretty good judge of where to draw the line between playful/friendly and leading someone on. I would dial it back if my husband didn't like it but it's never come to that. If someone was taking it a bit far I'd first give them a light-hearted warning and then if they continued I'd very clearly draw the line; 'This conversation is not appropriate, please stop'. I find that very effective especially when said publicly. I am a big girl and prefer to set my own boundaries - I think sometimes having your partner step in can leave the impression that you would be interested, given the chance, and leaves it open to further attempts in the future. I want to make it clear that it is ME who is telling him to stop, if you see what I mean.

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RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 10:04:28 AM

intellisubbear

Posts: 26
Joined: 2/11/2013
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Nobody flirts with me so I wouldn't know.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

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RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 10:27:11 AM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
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quote:

I find that very effective especially when said publicly. I am a big girl and prefer to set my own boundaries - I think sometimes having your partner step in can leave the impression that you would be interested, given the chance, and leaves it open to further attempts in the future. I want to make it clear that it is ME who is telling him to stop, if you see what I mean.

I totally see your point on that and it makes sense. Thanks for sharing.

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 4

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 11:16:48 AM

MercTech

Posts: 3706
Joined: 7/4/2006
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Trust me, guys are not clueless to flirting, but often ignore it knowing it is all a game to the ladies.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 5

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 11:40:39 AM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

Even as a submissive, I expect any man I'm dating to be secure enough in our relationship to let me handle flirting, unless it gets scary and I ask his help (really, how often does that happen? almmost never). Even if I weren't submissive, I'd expect my man to handle his own flirting issues. I don't mind him flirting with someone, as long as it doesn't go anywherebeyond our limits which in my case I don't have much of, but whatever they are, you should be able to follow the rules you set and agreed to. If I can't trust you to do that, the relationship is in trouble.

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RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 12:22:00 PM

searching4mysir

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Joined: 6/16/2011
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FR

Since I don't get jealous or feel threatened by someone flirting with my Master, I do nothing. He knows I'm monogamous and that if I found out that he got "involved" with another woman that she would be going home with his balls in her purse and then he would find his ass out on the street.

As to people flirting with me, I'll handle it politely at first, and he will only step in if he has to and the person hasn't gotten the message.

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RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 12:33:32 PM

lilcracker

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Joined: 4/14/2012
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I guess maybe I should have been clearer and perhaps my story was to blame I used it because it lead us as a couple to talk about flirting and made me wonder what other's thought. I guess I am not talking about harmless flirting---and in this case (my story) it was pretty much harmless flirting or flirting that is not going to go any where. Trust me when I say she is so not a threat and if you knew us all personally---you'd probably agree completely.

I was speaking more of suggestive touch, out right come on's....maybe it's just the area I live in. But things like that go on a lot. We live in a rough neighborhood (shots fired is just another day and you hear them roll over and go to sleep) and yes I am a big girl and yes he trusts me completely but things here where I live CAN and DO get scary. LOL I guess I tend to forget that not everyone lives here or an area like it.

But the answers I am getting are great because it's nice to see the difference....sometimes we get so caught up in our own little worlds that we do forget that others live differently, see things differently, do things differently...so thanks everyone.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 8

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 1:00:32 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
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If someone touched me without my permission I would remove myself from their prescence immeadeatly, by any means necessary. If I needed a friend or my master (I don't have one of those) to help me get to safety i wouldn't feel bad about using it. If I had to get physical I wouldn't feel bad abut tat. If anyone tried to iimmpede my leaving, then once I got safely away, I would call the police. It is not okay to touch without clear consent. I'm talking about if tis happened out in public with strangers. If I was at a munch, I'd call over munch leaders and have the miscreant told to leave - ditto any party or other event. That's what I'd do at a non-kink event too. As long as it's just words, I can deal with it without help.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 9

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 1:23:14 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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Joined: 6/25/2004
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I usually find the flirting cute, and at times funny. It depends on where one is, but I think it takes extra gall to flirt in front of me. I either smile, and let them carry on, or I order for the sub, and order the opposite of whatever she recommended.

M

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a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
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(in reply to lilcracker)

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RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 1:47:16 PM

Level

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Joined: 3/3/2006
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Suggestive comments- they get a "look" that doesn't leave much room for interpretation.

Inappropriate touching- they're told to fuck off, or things will get broken.

I love to flirt, but do so to make others feel good; if I can tell it isn't appreciated, or if I'm told that, I apologize and move on. Flirting shouldn't be disrepectful or discomforting.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 11

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 2:57:48 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

When people flirt with me, I just casually insert the "boyfriend bomb" and they usually lose interest/go away pretty quickly. Maybe only once or twice has someone flirted with me in front of my boyfriend; there is usually a pretty obvious sense of connection between us and nobody really gets the impression that the flirting would go anywhere. And when the flirting persists, I leave the situation. I'm with Athena here, in that I like to draw the line and show flirters that it is [b]I who is bothered, not some overprotective dude that I hang out with.

People actually tend to flirt with my boyfriend way more than they do with me, and usually right in front of me, too. He's had more than one girl admit to him that they were intentionally trying to steal him. I let him deal with that, and it doesn't bother me at all. In fact, it's kind of a turn on that all the ladies want him, but he is mine.

Suck on that, bitches.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 12

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 4:39:03 PM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
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-fast reply

For some people flirting is fraught with meaning. For others, it's just playful. I flirted professionally for many years for a living (I was a bartender), and it remains almost an unconscious habit when I like a person, just affectionate. It doesn't mean anything more than that, unless it does, but I convey that too.

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(in reply to HisPet21)

Post #: 13

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 7:15:25 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilcracker

I guess maybe I should have been clearer and perhaps my story was to blame I used it because it lead us as a couple to talk about flirting and made me wonder what other's thought. I guess I am not talking about harmless flirting---and in this case (my story) it was pretty much harmless flirting or flirting that is not going to go any where. Trust me when I say she is so not a threat and if you knew us all personally---you'd probably agree completely.

Sorry, but this, to me, tells me you are insecure.

quote:

I was speaking more of suggestive touch, out right come on's....maybe it's just the area I live in. But things like that go on a lot. We live in a rough neighborhood (shots fired is just another day and you hear them roll over and go to sleep) and yes I am a big girl and yes he trusts me completely but things here where I live CAN and DO get scary. LOL I guess I tend to forget that not everyone lives here or an area like it.

So what you are saying is you live in an area where men regularly will rape you if you say no? I don't think so. Again, I don't mean to sound derogatory (I really don't), but if you can handle it yourself when he isn't around, I don't understand why you need to play the weak female who needs to be rescued when he is around. It's childish, and like Athena said (which I hadn't thought of), it could lead to people thinking that if not for him, you would be interested. My take has always been that if not for the guy "saving" you, you wouldn't be able to take care of yourself.

To me, there is no time that either party should think their SO should always be the first to intervene when someone is flirting with them is ridiculous. It's a game, wanting your partner to "prove" their feelings for you.

Now, certainly, if someone is becoming more than you can handle, your partner intervening is great, but no different, in my eyes than a friend who would do the same thing.

(in reply to lilcracker)

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RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 7:56:59 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

We both just pretty much just joke about it and joke with each other about it but that's about it. It's really not a big deal at all. We both know who each of us is coming home to.

ETA: So after reading your other posts here, again, same answer. If someone was to touch him on his arm or something, he'd usually just laugh and make some kind of sarcastic remark to them or flirt with them but again, that's as far as it goes. He really has no desire for anyone else even if he jokes about it sometimes. I totally trust him so I just shrug it off. Even if he did want someone else, so be it. I'd still shrug it off and just walk away from him figuring he no longer wanted me.

If someone touches me, unless he's with me and thinks it's inappropriate, I just do the same as Master....laugh it off, make a sarcastic remark....unless it's reallly inappropriate and in that case, I let them know and I walk away from them. If Master felt it was inappropriate, he would make sure the person never did it again or even thought about it ever again.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 4/20/2013 8:03:11 PM >

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RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 7:58:37 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MercTech

Trust me, guys are not clueless to flirting, but often ignore it knowing it is all a game to the ladies.

Oh believe me, Master can be completely oblivious sometimes lol. When I point it out he usually thinks I'm pulling his leg.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/20/2013 8:19:02 PM

MasterCaneman

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Joined: 3/21/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

-fast reply

For some people flirting is fraught with meaning. For others, it's just playful. I flirted professionally for many years for a living (I was a bartender), and it remains almost an unconscious habit when I like a person, just affectionate. It doesn't mean anything more than that, unless it does, but I convey that too.

Thank you! I tended bar off and on for sixteen years, and then I was a used car salesman. My whole life has been one constant flirt. The GF has gotten a bit sniffy when we're out and the waitress lays it on me and I reply in kind, but it's all a game in the hospitality and sales industry. I've never gotten pissed when guys casually flirt with her, or even ask her to dance. I don't mind, because I can't dance (broke back-walk with cane hence the name), and in general people are decent. I've never had to do more than give a hairy eyeball to someone who was starting to press the envelope.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 17

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/21/2013 4:23:42 AM

RaspberryLemon

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Joined: 7/18/2011
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My Master and I are monogamous, and also both quite possessive of each other--so others' flirting is bothersome in a sense. It's not an issue about trust in each other, it's an issue with other people overstepping our boundaries. It's unpleasant.

That being said, there aren't quite "rules" in our relationship as to who reacts how in these instances etc. However, he expects to know if anyone's making advances on me, as he's quite protective/territorial and even though he knows I can (and will) "handle it" myself; he wants to at least have the option of reacting as well. Likewise, I like to know about occasions in which he's hit on, not necessarily to do anything about it, just to be aware that it's happening.

Honestly, I rarely ever get hit on, as I've been told that I'm not very "approachable" or "receptive" (though sometimes I feel this is a euphemism for "unattractive") and also, well, I am usually with my Master and he's a pretty big dude and I'm usually attached to his arm a lot of the time, so that doesn't make for an inviting atmosphere for flirtation. Regardless, when it does happen it makes me feel very uncomfortable.

On the other hand, my Master gets hit on a lot, even sometimes in front of me. It does bother me, because as stated above it's a boundary for me, especially when it's right in front of me (I mean come on, that's just downright rude.)

When my Master gets hit on, he either ignores it if it's subtle, or shuts it down directly if it's more forward. I get a little upset/angry when it happens, but I don't say anything. I usually find myself giving a "dirty look" in spite of myself. He's the one who is active in handling it, though I will say this is not necessarily because he is the Master, but because he's a more confident/outgoing person than I am.

If someone were to get physical with him in my presence though, I don't think I could keep myself from getting verbal or even pushing someone away depending on how "physical" they were being. Probably though, he'd have gotten to it before me, so it's not likely I'd step in after he already took care of it.

When the rare occurrence happens that I am hit on, I will react to/handle it myself regardless of whether or not my Master is around, but I can and do feel intimidated by those situations and I'm shy with strangers, so I am appreciative that my Master will react as well even if I've already handled it. As said above he's protective and territorial, and especially because of my feelings of intimidation when others make advances on me, he will step in and create a physical barrier/say something/etc. which makes me feel safer. And in contrast to my reactions to him being hit on having nothing to do with his being in charge, his chosen reactions to advances made on me DO have something to do with me being his property.

If anyone is physical with me I have no problem shoving them away or defending myself. If my Master is present in a circumstance where someone got physical with me uninvited, he's likely to physically remove them regardless of whether or not I've already done it or attempted it myself. Someone touches his pet in a way that's not appreciated or appropriate and he will step in and react aggressively. It's not just with me; he is like this with our dog as well--she's fully capable of defending herself (she's a pretty big dog,) but she belongs to him and thus he feels it his duty to protect/defend her regardless.

(in reply to lilcracker)

Post #: 18

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/21/2013 4:33:55 AM

ravishers

Posts: 38
Joined: 1/18/2012
Status: offline

quote:

My question is and it doesn't matter what side of the kneel you are on how do you deal with 'flirty people' both towards you and to your partner? Also does your partner agree with the way you deal with it? (Because the way it is handled in my relationship it's mutually agreed that it is to be handled in just that way.)

It doesn't matter on which side of the kneel. Well.it shouldn't.
i don't mind flirts from people not familiar to me and my slave. When some one close to me or her does it regular, I would feel uncomfy. I surely would discuss it, because she might receive the words differently then me. There are days it just could be you seeing everything to negative, so it is better to discuss.
But when it does make everyone feel awkward then it is time to speak to that person. Even when that means loosing a friend or what ever.

(in reply to RaspberryLemon)

Post #: 19

RE: How other's handle flirts and come on's to their pa... - 4/21/2013 4:35:41 AM

lilcracker

Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilcracker

I guess maybe I should have been clearer and perhaps my story was to blame I used it because it lead us as a couple to talk about flirting and made me wonder what other's thought. I guess I am not talking about harmless flirting---and in this case (my story) it was pretty much harmless flirting or flirting that is not going to go any where. Trust me when I say she is so not a threat and if you knew us all personally---you'd probably agree completely.

Sorry, but this, to me, tells me you are insecure.

quote:

I was speaking more of suggestive touch, out right come on's....maybe it's just the area I live in. But things like that go on a lot. We live in a rough neighborhood (shots fired is just another day and you hear them roll over and go to sleep) and yes I am a big girl and yes he trusts me completely but things here where I live CAN and DO get scary. LOL I guess I tend to forget that not everyone lives here or an area like it.

So what you are saying is you live in an area where men regularly will rape you if you say no? I don't think so. Again, I don't mean to sound derogatory (I really don't), but if you can handle it yourself when he isn't around, I don't understand why you need to play the weak female who needs to be rescued when he is around. It's childish, and like Athena said (which I hadn't thought of), it could lead to people thinking that if not for him, you would be interested. My take has always been that if not for the guy "saving" you, you wouldn't be able to take care of yourself.

To me, there is no time that either party should think their SO should always be the first to intervene when someone is flirting with them is ridiculous. It's a game, wanting your partner to "prove" their feelings for you.

Now, certainly, if someone is becoming more than you can handle, your partner intervening is great, but no different, in my eyes than a friend who would do the same thing.

I can understand that the way things are done in the relationship I am in does not work for you and that's fine. We are all different.

I will say this....if the our neighbor were anyone else I might be able to fathom the insecurity slam but have you ever seen the effects of crack use? Not a pretty sight and quite honestly if I even had a hint that my partner was would 'slum' it---he definately would not be my partner. And further, I have never put any conditions on his sexuality....we don't discuss monogamy....I am faithful because that is the way I am wired....when he walks out the door his actions are on him....I never ask where he's been, who he's with...what he was doing (he usually tells me but if he doesn't it's not a big deal).... with that said, I've known him long enough to know how he is wired (we knew each other quite sometime before he asked me out officially) and if I ever learned he cheated, I probably would be so suprised that it would stop my heart. Our relationship is secure and that provides me with security.
And nope, it has nothing to do with him needing to prove his love for me. His feelings are very obvious, not only to me but those who are close to us. That's why I said if you knew us.....

He's very much a gentleman and I am I will admit it for the most part a girly girl. If he needs to step in to disway an unwanted display of attention, all it would probably take is a casual arm around me and since he is a pretty big guy that is normally all it takes. He's a teddy bear with a big heart and very slow to anger...but I've seen him angry a time or two, and yep he can be intimidating.

As for where we live, yes it is scary. We live in the hood...lots of gang violence...drug use....there was a recent rape right on my block not too long ago and our block is one of the safer ones...and this area is where the recently released prisoners are relocated to if they have no where else to go, there is a halfway house of sorts for them....it's very rare that I go out alone even to walk the dog, I never venture very far from our apartment. Normally I take her to the back yard and let her run, because it is fenced in and much safer for both of us. It's not a game it's our reality...but seriously I would not want to live anywhere else. This city is my home, I am established, we have fairly good jobs, we have family here.

In response to standing up for myself, if I did when my parner was around the flirter could also assume that I said no because my partner was present and still assume I was interested. One can never tell how another will react. So it can go both ways and no one way is right or wrong it just depends on what works for people.

As I said before there are different people on venues like this, from different areas, different back grounds and often times we don't look past our own little worlds. I am guilty of that as well. What works for me is not always appropriate for another, and there have been times I have read a post and went, "oh my gosh" and made assumptions and there have been times when I have voiced those assumptions and have more than likely been totally off base.

However, I do enjoy a glimpse into the world of other people, expand my horizons beyond my own little world because sometimes, I learn something.

So again thanks for all the replies.

Peace and be well.

< Message edited by lilcracker -- 4/21/2013 4:40:10 AM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 20

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