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I think there is a big difference between giving support on a thread, and offering support in person, over the phone or through private chats.

Yes, some people have trouble moving on. That's understandable. However, I don't care to see them whining about it in every single post they make. That's where I lose patience.

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I am not sure what you mean by the s-type not retaining their emotions. Someone can't control whether you feel love, hate, sadness, happiness, etc. They may tell you to feel certain things, but it doesn't mean you really do.

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Now, having said that, I will admit that s-types' emotions certainly can stem from or be caused by their dominant. An s-type experiencing happiness and satisfaction from serving their dominant can feel lost when there is no one for them to do that for anymore. However, I have always said that no matter how much control you give up, you should always maintain your sense of self-worth independent of making your dominant happy. Not simply because two people can split up, but because their dominant isn't immortal and when that time comes, the s-type will have to be able to take care of themselves. Much like a 50s housewife needed to take care of things after losing a husband to death.

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Someone else I know got divorced and it was, to say the least, acrimonious. That is an understatement really. Her divorce was final in 2010, and it is amazing how she can associate any conversation at all with the shit her ex did. I haven't abandoned her, and I continually offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and even my expertise on some of the legal matters. But sometimes I do have to literally scream (as in raising my voice very much) at her to stop talking about it. I've had to tell her that there are times when any talk of her ex and that situation is forbidden. I simply can't listen to it every single time I see her. I'm hoping that with time, I can drag her out of this abyss. But I'm often unsure.

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Ok, enough with the rambling. I expect people to act like an adult. Just like with another thread, I don't believe being an s-type relieves you of being responsible for yourself and acting like an adult. I'm not minimizing their grief by any means. But if you are having that much trouble moving on, then get professional help. When others tell you that you are "losing it" listen and try to fix it.

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Yea, stupid. There are a lot of people that post stupid shit here. They don't last long. However, perhaps I should have referred to the people I was talking about is the "terminal victim" type. Those that simply want to whine and continue to do so without doing anything to make it better.

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So my point was that our reactions to the splits is different based on who those people are. As a wild ass example: What would everyone's reaction be to Kevin whining about a break up? I'm betting not real sympathetic, and he could be considered someone who was "prominent" on the boards (in the asshole category). Another example on the other end of prominence (that would be grossly inappropriate, but a good person to use as an example): If Alpha posted about the pain of a breakup, what would our reactions be? Ok, she is a "dominant" (or is as her role as admin), but still, our reactions would be different. Many people like her and would be supportive, offering words of encouragement.

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BTW I happened to click on your profile just to open a new CM window. Like the new pictures.

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ORIGINAL: MissImmortalPain

Sorry, Tazzy, but I don't buy it. I could try to take it to another thread but I think it would come out a lot like the dominants don't do that thread. I didn't think you were in any way trying to take shots and dominants but really I was pretty clear about what I said. I did things that actually put my life in danger when my partner left. If you don't view that as a loss of control I don't know how to explain it to you. Maybe you would understand it better if I said that I am not a dominant that just happens to be female. I am a female that just happens to be dominant. Dominance and submission have nothing to do with pain or how we as humans process it. I process pain in much the same way that any other woman would. No I did not retain control of my emotional status. And yes I had control taken away from me. It happens to all of us from time to time. Most often when something happens to our heart.

*Having said all that* Because this is in general bdsm I did not understand that you wanted this to only be about subs. Sorry for bringing the other side of the lashes opinion into it.

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ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

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I think there is a big difference between giving support on a thread, and offering support in person, over the phone or through private chats.

Yes, some people have trouble moving on. That's understandable. However, I don't care to see them whining about it in every single post they make. That's where I lose patience.

Its those moments when I find the hide button for a while. I may not be able to take their pain away, but I dont have to let them affect my life, nor be a witness to the pity party you want to make this thread about.

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I am not sure what you mean by the s-type not retaining their emotions. Someone can't control whether you feel love, hate, sadness, happiness, etc. They may tell you to feel certain things, but it doesn't mean you really do.

They do control, to an extent, how you react emotionally. In that relationship, for myself as I wont speak now for any other sub, I monitor my reactions, my control being centered on his pleasure. If I act like a bitch towards someone he doesnt know, I may not have to worry about it. But if I do it towards someone he respects, I know I will feel his displeasure. When that control is gone, I can imagine some will lash out. What is there to prevent them?

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Now, having said that, I will admit that s-types' emotions certainly can stem from or be caused by their dominant. An s-type experiencing happiness and satisfaction from serving their dominant can feel lost when there is no one for them to do that for anymore. However, I have always said that no matter how much control you give up, you should always maintain your sense of self-worth independent of making your dominant happy. Not simply because two people can split up, but because their dominant isn't immortal and when that time comes, the s-type will have to be able to take care of themselves. Much like a 50s housewife needed to take care of things after losing a husband to death.

Not all relationships are based that way.

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Someone else I know got divorced and it was, to say the least, acrimonious. That is an understatement really. Her divorce was final in 2010, and it is amazing how she can associate any conversation at all with the shit her ex did. I haven't abandoned her, and I continually offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and even my expertise on some of the legal matters. But sometimes I do have to literally scream (as in raising my voice very much) at her to stop talking about it. I've had to tell her that there are times when any talk of her ex and that situation is forbidden. I simply can't listen to it every single time I see her. I'm hoping that with time, I can drag her out of this abyss. But I'm often unsure.

2010 to 2013 - not exactly what we are talking about here.

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Ok, enough with the rambling. I expect people to act like an adult. Just like with another thread, I don't believe being an s-type relieves you of being responsible for yourself and acting like an adult. I'm not minimizing their grief by any means. But if you are having that much trouble moving on, then get professional help. When others tell you that you are "losing it" listen and try to fix it.

Acting like an adult... while I agree to a point...Exactly what is adult about giving up all control to another person? Not to say subs arent adults. But you are attempting to equate them to a set of standards you hold for your vanilla and dominant friends.

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ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
Isnt there a period of mourning that should be allowed before we storm into a thread and start demanding someone get a grip and back to reality?

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Dominants have more experience at self control? Are you kidding me? Think about the example you just gave to me about being a bitch to someone. You don't think that takes self control? How about doing the things you are ordered to do that you don't hate? It takes self control to do them without complaint.

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I believe that there are situations where someone needs to be told that they need to rein it in and focus on healing.

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ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I think tazzy can correct Me if I'm wrong.

Is it possible that a part of the concept of this thread is that the break up can (possibly) be harder on s-types because they are the person that has been controlled, rather than being the controller?

This is not to say that Dominants don't hurt, sometimes. Man, I remember crying something fierce when I had to part ways with pet six years ago. (For those who aren't long term posters, that's the sub who introduced Me to this joint.) For those first few days, I probably did say some stupid stuff.

At the same time, you can't expect people to give the same allowances when time passes as when it's that first "raw" kind of thing.

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More so in a TPE relationship, subs and slaves (subs can be in a TPE relationship to some extent too) often have their emotions controlled for them. It can be through rewards, punishments, or a desire by the sub (from now on, sub will also include slave to save on the typing) to be pleasing to the one who owns them and others the owner may respect.

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ORIGINAL: Rawni

I think we can direct emotions to some degree. Control them... no.

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ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I see your point; I believe someone can be influenced to feel a certain way, even with emotional masochism. Although, if you are an emotional masochist, don't you enjoy it?

But, as someone else said, your reactions to your emotions can be controlled, rather than having the emotions itself.