quote:

So, we have a sub in a relationship with a dominant in which that dominant exerts control over the subs emotions. Im not sure there is much to dispute about that.

Suddenly, that relationship is gone. For whatever reason, that control disappears. And, yes, we are all adults and should have a measure of control over ourselves.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana


One last thing-All this talk about the poor sub/slave, what about the poor dominant-all dressed up and no one to command-what about the emptiness in his life, the gaping hole in his heart, the yawning abyss that's left where she used to be.
*Sniff*
Gawd, I'm making myself maudlin-I need a drink :-)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

Replying to the OP,

The romantic part of my relationship with my D in Florida ended in 2004 and the BDSM part the following year. It wasn't until 2009 that I was ready to move out, and then only a few miles away. We stayed connected and friends, although his frequent suggestions that I return were annoying. In 2011 I returned to my home state of Florida and he has finally accepted that it is over.

I am not at all suggesting other people stay living with someone after the relationship changes, but because I have a hard time letting go, it was very useful for me to stay and have our relationship evolve. I was able to gradually take back control while I was still there, rather than being faced with this all at once.

I left an abusive relationship in the late 80s by joining the military, and when I left my husband in 2001, I moved into a yoga retreat center. I found being immersed in new people and things very useful to help me move on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kana
To answer the Op, sure, I've seen this happen. I've known people, smart, intelligent, strong willed gals who just kinda fall to pieces when the relationship ends because they don't have that structure around them in which they function best. In fact, I'd say, and this is only my experience, that it's not uncommon at all, more rather than less so.he kinda fray at the edges, slowly losing it-I've watched good friends slowly have parts of their lives crumble without even recognizing what was going on.
It wasn't that she was weak, it wasn't that she couldn't function, it was more that she operated to her fullest when placed in a strict environment-she craved the accountability, she needed someone to create an edifice of external rules in which she could live. In that, she found a place, an identity, a role in life that fit her.
And when that was gone, she missed it. As in like a junkie misses their fix.
Some people just operate best when they are answerable to someone else. This isn't even a BDSM thing (Though suspect the emotional depths involved are). Some are full of self doubt, others question themselves to much, another may be a procrastinator when left to their own devices, still others may just be lazy (like me) and need a swift kick in the ass or a deadline (Or both!) to motivate them.
In the case of BDSM, it's purely an observation that it often seems like the more consistent the accountability, the better the follow through, the longer it goes on, yeah, the deeper and harder those cravings can run. And the harder the withdrawal can be.
So yeah, speaking only for this Dom, I take that into consideration, both when talking to a potential new partner (Need to know if she's healed yet) and when considering exiting a relationship.

One last thing-All this talk about the poor sub/slave, what about the poor dominant-all dressed up and no one to command-what about the emptiness in his life, the gaping hole in his heart, the yawning abyss that's left where she used to be.
*Sniff*
Gawd, I'm making myself maudlin-I need a drink :-)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Using Kana's post to bounce from, I don't think it's a case of anyone saying that D-types never grieve the loss of relationships. If a D doesn't have a person serving them anymore, in most cases, you just get up and do whatever it is yourself. We are take charge kind of people, after all. It's not like you're not going to clean the cat box just because there's not a submissive around to do it for you.

When a person becomes accustomed to having their decisions made for them, and then that decision maker is gone, it's a different kind of adjustment. In situations where there's *not* going to be a transition period, it might be a little more jarring.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Using Kana's post to bounce from, I don't think it's a case of anyone saying that D-types never grieve the loss of relationships. If a D doesn't have a person serving them anymore, in most cases, you just get up and do whatever it is yourself. We are take charge kind of people, after all. It's not like you're not going to clean the cat box just because there's not a submissive around to do it for you.

When a person becomes accustomed to having their decisions made for them, and then that decision maker is gone, it's a different kind of adjustment. In situations where there's *not* going to be a transition period, it might be a little more jarring.

But on the other side of that, is the sub not going to clean it because there is no to tell her(or him) to do it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
But on the other side of that, is the sub not going to clean it because there is no to tell her(or him) to do it?

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ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

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ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
Isnt there a period of mourning that should be allowed before we storm into a thread and start demanding someone get a grip and back to reality?

From my perspective: Mourning a relationship is reality. It's part of the healing process. But, what some people engage in is drama for the sake of drama. It's the person that flings themselves on top of the grave. It's passive aggressive.

I believe that there are situations where someone needs to be told that they need to rein it in and focus on healing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

And, yet, on a side note in regards to having someone else's emotions controlled.. have so few dealt with an emotional masochist? Do people really believe a submissive's emotions cannot be controlled by a dominant to some extent?

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ORIGINAL: Missokyst

The problem with this idea is that it presents and unintended promise that the dominant will remain in their life. People hope. When their is no hope it is best to learn to swim.

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

And, yet, on a side note in regards to having someone else's emotions controlled.. have so few dealt with an emotional masochist? Do people really believe a submissive's emotions cannot be controlled by a dominant to some extent?

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

Using Kana's post to bounce from, I don't think it's a case of anyone saying that D-types never grieve the loss of relationships. If a D doesn't have a person serving them anymore, in most cases, you just get up and do whatever it is yourself. We are take charge kind of people, after all. It's not like you're not going to clean the cat box just because there's not a submissive around to do it for you.

When a person becomes accustomed to having their decisions made for them, and then that decision maker is gone, it's a different kind of adjustment. In situations where there's *not* going to be a transition period, it might be a little more jarring.

But on the other side of that, is the sub not going to clean it because there is no to tell her(or him) to do it?

I have known some who cannot seem to function on that level afterwards. I suppose, for some, it would depend on the level of TPE. Micromanagement does have its drawbacks.

quote:

All this talk about the poor sub/slave, what about the poor dominant-all dressed up and no one to command-what about the emptiness in his life, the gaping hole in his heart, the yawning abyss that's left where she used to be.
*Sniff*