LafayetteLady
Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
I'm amazed as well. I'm evidently failing to get others to see things the way I do.
The big picture as I see it is that allegations by themselves can be an issue, and can be a nonissue.
It isn't that we are failing to see things how are you are. We see a much different "big picture." You seem to be living under the delusion that your reputation (which I'm not questioning is good and respected at all) is like Kevlar against allegations. You have a definite false sense of security. That is what we keep trying to get through to you.
Perhaps you should consider that because so many people are telling you something, that it isn't you "failing to get others to see things the way you do." That perhaps you are missing the point of reality instead.
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There are three different things that others seem to be mixing:
1. Having allegations made.
2. Having a reputation damaged.
3. Having legal issues.
First assuming that we all are "missing" something is arrogant and rude, coming across as though we can't possibly understand. All three of your points can be separate or a combination of any or all of the points.
quote:
Allegations can be serious or not. The allegations within the Denver community of rape, are very serious. Even thought it's been termed "consent violations" - it's rape. Period. OTOH, I have seen people "feeling uncomfortable" after a scene and report it to the DM. Technically, if I ask a woman to play and she feels pressured by the request, that could be considered a consent violation by her as well. I'm positive that the allegation against me did not come from a play scenario, so it's much less worrying to me.
If you are talking about the drama you recently posted about, no it is NOT clear that it was rape. Kalikashima was kind enough to direct me to the FetLife posts which I read in their entirety. A "consent violation" doesn't instantly equal "rape," and those particular allegations are not clear in any way. Not from a gossip or rumor mongering standpoint and certainly not from a legal perspective.
If a woman feels you are pressuring it is not "technically" a consent violation, it IS DEFINITIVELY a consent violation.
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When I play, I play nonsexually (except for my sub of course). That sharply reduces the possibility that I would get charged with rape. If I were and no evidence of sex were to be found, that makes for a very weak case.
I don't believe that anyone has even implied you were being accused of rape. However, this is where YOU seem to be mixing up community reputation vs a legal charge. You made someone feel uncomfortable about that. While you are concerned about who it was, you don't seem to be concerned that anything you might have done made her feel pressured. You are, in a sense, behaving no differently then the men you say were accused of rape. You don't believe you did anything wrong, so whoever made the allegations is wrong. Discounting how you made someone feel, even if unintentionally, brings us back to that arrogance and allegation Kevlar I mentioned earlier.
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I have referred to my reputation. I have played at parties with a couple dozen women. Almost all of them are repeat players, which in itself is a statement. They would be more than willing to say that I did not push limits, etc. Most of the play was in front of others who have seen my playing style. I have had four breakups in the past few years. Three of the four are good friends still. The one that isn't, did leave on bad terms but several local kinksters are aware of what I had done for her over years, and the details of the breakup.
These people are willing to say that you didn't push THEIR limits. They can't talk about how others feel, and just because you didn't push their limits, doesn't mean that you couldn't have made someone else feel that you did, again, even if you did it unintentionally.
I'm just curious, the relationship that ended badly....you talk about "what you did for her" and how local kinksters know details. Are those details from you? Because then they know YOUR version of the breakup and you can't possibly be so naive as to not realize that every breakup has two sides that aren't always in agreement.
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I would be concerned about true allegations, but don't act in a way that they'll happen. I would not expect someone who was well established locally, with a good reputation of her own to maintain, to make false allegations against me. So they might come from a rank newbie. I tend to not play with newbies much, and when I do, I take extra care to make sure they're in a good place when I do. As a result, I don't see them as having any axe to grind to make false accusations.
Again, you are dismissing what someone else said as "false," and proceed to make excuses. The allegations can't be "true" or were from a "rank newbie." By the way, the newbie statement reeks of saying someone doesn't know who you are or they wouldn't make the allegation. You don't believe you act in a way that an allegation would happen, but apparently, at least once you did. Or you managed to behave in a way to piss someone off enough to make it up. Either way, it really is time for you to re-examine your behavior.
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I figure there are 100-300 male Doms in the Denver scene, and many of them are far less circumspect than I am, and still they're not getting accused of anything serious. The two Doms that ARE getting accused currently, have about a dozen accusers. One of them is showing a frightening lack of concern for the women he may well have raped, and has basically stated "Yeah, I might have pushed past consent some. So what?" Both of them have adopted set routines per the complaints against them. So it takes a LOT to have charges stick here.
First a "charge" would be legal action. You are dealing with accusations/allegations. There is quite a difference. You need to face the fact that there are THREE doms being accused in inappropriate behavior because you ARE one of them. Time to start looking in a mirror and seeing that you are no different than they are by this post. You, too, are showing a frightening lack of concern over the person who made the accusation. I realize that your "search" didn't net you your accuser, but still....so far in this post alone, look at the things I bolded. All of them involve you dismissing another person's feelings implying you know better, or worse they are "new" so they don't know what "inappropriate" behavior actually is, or you have made every excuse imaginable to defend yourself. Add that to the other threads where you toss up how your girlfriend is an attorney (by the way, unless she is a criminal attorney, she really can't do much), and various other things that are "allegation Kevlar."
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Finally, for all those who think I should be concerned - what do you think I should do differently?
Well I doubt you will take any advice about what you should do or how you should behave differently until you realize you are NOT untouchable. However, stop acting like an arrogant twit who thinks his reputation is so good, no allegation could ever stick. That certainly serves to make others believe that if you did something they would be powerless to do something to you, because you have "power." You have zero power, accept it. While your reputation is good, your behavior isn't doing it any good.
Don't EVER dismiss someone's feelings or assume they don't know better because they are knew to kink. Should you ever find out who made the allegation, the only thing you should do is apologize. I realize that you likely never had any intention to make someone feel pressured or uncomfortable, but the reality is that whether we mean stuff or not, other people can interpret it differently, and the only proper response is to apologize and explain that you didn't mean it that way, whatever "that" is.
Honestly? While your "play" persona may be different than what your attitude here, this and the other thread have really lessened any respect I had for you. Now of course, I realize that I haven't been doing this for the years you have, nor am I a mentor, nor do I have some highly respected reputation in any kink community, but let me assure you that what I have said here is nothing less than I would say in person. I'm the same blunt, in your face, person who adopts more of a "Dr. Phil" kind of advice giving than the whole coddling thing so popular.
In other words, if you behave at these parties the way you present yourself here, don't be surprised if the person you made uncomfortable starts telling others.
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RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 
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