DarkSteven
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Joined: 5/2/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady
quote:
ORIGINAL: Greta75
I'm actually very surprise and confuse about why the ladies feel DS should be taking his situation seriously?
According to his explanation, there was no sexual contact involved, technically, he really has nothing to worry about. On top of that, he has many other women who could have back him up on character if push comes to shove.
Now if they actually had a sexual play and someone was accusing him of rape then, he probably should be more worried. Or if multiple women were accusing him of that same thing that woman did, then something's really wrong.
Greta, I mean no offense, but there does seem to be a bit of a language barrier here, so I will try to explain it in simpler terms. Not to insult your intelligence, but because you seem to have not really understood my point.
Regardless of the fact that DS does not play sexually with others, he is accused of crossing a line. Even without sex, there are activities that require consent, this I know you are aware of from your story about the guy with the friend.
So, my point is that while he is busy defending himself, saying he did nothing wrong (which may or may not be the case), he has done several things that are really not admirable.
1. He continually talks about how his reputation is too well respected for anyone to believe anything someone says. Well, ther are plenty who have excellent reputations that DO do things without consent, AND they tend to use that reputation as a way to scare their victim into silence.
2. While he doesn't believe he did something wrong, that doesn't mean he is correct. In this case, he was accused of pressuring someone to play with him. Now DS may not see his behavior as pressuring someone, but if that someone feels pressured, everyone, and most especially someone who really takes pride (or at least mentions it a hell of a lot) in being a mentor needs to acknowledge the other person's feelings.
In other words, while for DS, it may not have been crossing a line, what matters is that the other person felt a boundary was crossed. The appropriate response to that is to apologize to the person and tell them you meant no harm or disrespect. Because I really don't think that DS did intentionally cross a line, however, having read his texts for quite a few years, I have zero problem believing that him trying to convince someone to play could be viewed as pressuring them, while DS would view it as trying to help that person overcome their fear and reluctance.
Keep in mind that DS has NO idea who made the complaint. However, again, going and asking all those you have played with recently is really NOT the appropriate way to approach it. It also belies his cavalier attitude and blustering about his reputation and attorney girlfriend, because if he really believed those things were enough to keep him safe, he wouldn't feel a need to ask.
But more importantly, while the line he is accused of crossing is minor, I see his asking these women if they made the complaint to be adding "insult to injury." He allegedly already made a woman uncomfortable enough to make a complaint. Is it really necessary to seek the person out and ask them if they made the complaint? Were I the one who made the complaint, and he came asking, I would certainly not say, "oh yea, that was me." (ok, I would say that but I'm a bit unique in that regard). No, the woman is to likely feel further threatened and afraid of what this man with the "stellar reputation" and lawyer girlfriend was going to do to me next. NOT appropriate behavior. If he wanted to know and actually cared that he did something that made another person feel threatened, he would have approached the DM, explained that he would like to apologize and ask that a face to face be arranged.
Finally, accusations do not come down to what will stick legally and what won't. As LS pointed out, it is the legal aspect that is in issue in this discussion, but rather the community viewpoint.
Ishtar gave a really great explanation of how easy it would be to ruin even a stellar reputation, that involved no legal consequence. Please go read it and see if it helps you understand.
Okay. I've obviously been way out in left field, or else failed at communicating. Let me try this again.
1. Perhaps the term "reputation" isn't right. Some people are interpreting that as me saying that I can wantonly do whatever the heck I please, and nobody's accusations will stick. If I were to use the term "character", that might be closer. Basically, I have a distinct play style, dozens here have either sessioned with me or watched me session, and it's all consistent. The people who've interacted with me outside of sessions have gotten a chance to know me as well. It all fits a consistent style. I have not broken consent in any sessions that I'm aware of. And I've had direct feedback as well as indirect feedback through others.
2. I have not scared anyone into silence. Period.
3. I ask women to play. It is inevitable that some may not like the way I do it. I don't threaten, and I keep things light. A newbie might feel uncomfortable just watching me session with another. My style creates no issues for all the women I ask, with an evident exception. I've been doing this four years, and I'm not going to change because of a secondhand report of someone who didn't even specify what I did that made her feel uncomfortable. If I had solid feedback about WHAT I did, I might reconsider.
4. "him trying to convince someone to play could be viewed as pressuring them, while DS would view it as trying to help that person overcome their fear and reluctance. " No. Just no. LafayetteLady, you have never seen me at a party. I NEVER press after being told no! When I talk about my reputation, it is something I am actively working to maintain. You imputing actions to me in a public forum does nothing to help me. Please DO NOT assume that I am pushing nonconsent in this way. I must not have made it clear in previous posts that even a simple request can be considered violating consent by some.
5. "However, again, going and asking all those you have played with recently is really NOT the appropriate way to approach it. It also belies his cavalier attitude and blustering about his reputation and attorney girlfriend, because if he really believed those things were enough to keep him safe, he wouldn't feel a need to ask. " You can't have it both ways. In some posts, you claim that I'm not taking this seriously. I AM. I am very concerned about my reputation. So I'm checking this out as best I can. And in a previous post, you implied that I was directly asking play partners if they had made accusations against me. FFS, I'm not that stupid - I began with the assumption that any play partners who played with me after the allegation, were not concerned. That left one. I phoned her up and obliquely asked her what she had thought about play with me, and she replied that she was hoping to play with me again.
6. " If he wanted to know and actually cared that he did something that made another person feel threatened, he would have approached the DM, explained that he would like to apologize and ask that a face to face be arranged. " I'll do that. However, I suspect that the DM or the lady in question would refuse.
Look, I have gotten an allegation. One, out of years of play. I have been carefully chasing it down to the best of my ability. I have heard from you BOTH that I am too arrogant to take it seriously, and that I'm bothering people by talking with them.
I am chasing it down. I am doing so partly because my reputation DOES mean a lot to me, and to see what the heck I may have done. If I did in fact so something wrong, I'll see what I can do.
Like I say, I expect that I've done all I can do, but I'll ask the DM if she's willing to divulge more. Even if she's unwilling to tell me who complained, she can perhaps tell me what I did.
_____________________________
"You women....
The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...
Quit fretting. We men love you."
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RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 
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