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Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 9:02:12 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Sad, but true.

In today's world of BDSM, tops, Dominants, Masters, and Mistresses all have to be aware of the position that they are putting themselves in to be the brunt of false allegations. Whether you meet somebody for one night of play or you enter a dynamic that lasts for years, once whatever you do is over, you are now open to false allegations about the time together.

What does it take for a person to make a false allegation? Not much. It can be morning after remorse. It can be a disgruntled sub after they have been dismissed. It can be a person who consents to slavery and tries to use what happens during the course of that slavery as their last chance to remain in a person's life in some way. It can be for any reason that they dream up in their head. It can be based on something real or based on nothing at all. It can be because they are just a vengeful person or it can be because they can't deal with the outcome of your encounters.

So, what can you do? How do you protect yourself, your loved ones, your community? Unfortunately, once the deed(s) are done, all you can do is attempt to protect you and yours by collecting evidence to dispute such claims and hope that they will help you in some way. These things may not help in the end, but at least you aren't sitting back being a victim and allowing somebody to manipulate you.

1. Keep your records. Don't delete your emails or your chat logs. Save absolutely anything and everything that implies consent for play or shows erratic behavior from the other party. Set your yahoo or AOL messenger to archive your conversations.

2. Save tangible evidence. If you have handwritten letters, notes, or even post-its, don't throw them out. These can help to support your position in the same way, even better, than electronic communications.

3. Request help from kink related social sites. Protecting yourself is exactly why certain clauses are included in the TOU. Remember that "deleted" for member's view doesn't always mean "deleted" in the real sense. Ask for permission to reprint journals and/or threads. You may not get it, but at least you have a record showing that you were trying to defend yourself.

4. If you are a member of the public community, ask other people for their records, too. Remember, you are compiling evidence, not being worried about who might be choosing sides.

5. Ask people to stand by you. Yes, this can backfire. You may be accused of being a drama llama. At the same time, you have to remember that protecting you and yours against false allegations is the goal here. The worst they can do is say no.

6. Remember to let people in. Don't hide! Don't be silent! Don't sit back and just let someone "do this" to you. You can't sit back and refuse to stand up for yourself.

Opening the thread up now for discussion.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 9:33:07 AM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		I'm guessing this has something to do with taking down your dungeon, no? And you make valid points for anyone identifying as Master/Mistress, Dom/Domme or Top. The morning after is usually when the heartburn begins. The marks and bruises start to hurt, and the regrets begin to creep in. It was a major reason I stopped playing the game 20 odd years ago. Hope you're well.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 9:46:21 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		Some very good advice LP.

I know we don't always see eye-to-eye but I sincerely hope that someone isn't trying to side-swipe you.
This sort of remorse retaliation just isn't called for under any circumstances.

(in reply to MasterCaneman)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 9:54:58 AM   
graceadieu


Posts: 1518
Joined: 3/20/2008
From: Maryland
Status: offline 		We often hear about how a dominant needs to earn the trust of the submissive, but rarely the other way around, even though a sub could easily cause a lot of problems for the D, too. I think the first step, long before you get to the point of legally defending yourself, is to really get to know someone before you agree to dominate them and make a good choice in partner.

I know you can't know for sure if someone's not going to lash out at you when they're feeling hurt. But there are often clear signs in someone's personality that they seek out or create drama, that they make bad life choices, don't take responsibility for their actions, let their emotions control them, etc. Those people, I think, are more likely to turn around and accuse you of something or trash talk you behind your back to get revenge.

I'm not saying anything personal about anyone on here, because I don't know you guys beyond some message board posts. But I have seen this kind of thing happen to other people.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 10:35:48 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		One day I was approached by one of the local BDSM society's wiser, calmer older members who told me "you really need to have lunch with me today". At lunch he told me of these wild rumors that I beat my slave so bad she went to the hospital and ran off to go back to her family.

In fact, one of the girls in my poly was recently hospitalized and she did move out and go to her family in another state. Could this look bad for a blood letting, fire slinging, edge playing sadistic Master? I told him what really happened and he offered to step in, asking for hospital papers etc so he had something tangible for the others. The society was run by a committee, a dirty dozen you might say.

I didn’t have the time nor inclination to chase papers so I refused and said that he should let it play out, the cream always rises to the top in time and I would see him there. Besides, the person making the allegations was a gorgeous piece of fresh meat with big titties and blond hair. Why run her off so soon?

real life . . . shipping is here. To be continued


_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 10:57:57 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		Master's ex...

She had an ugly break up with the Dom she was with before Master. She was fixated on him. Tried to ruin his new relationship. Master took her word for what had happened between her and her ex.

One night she and Master went to a play party. She told him that she wanted him to push her masochistic side. He's a sadist, so it wasn't hard to convince him. The next day she calls her ex and tells her friends that Master ignored her limits and her safe word. When he confronted her, she said that her friends "misunderstood" what she had said.

Needless to say, didn't last too long. The sex was good, so he let some things go. At the end it was very messy. She did the same things to Master, that she had done to her ex. She tried to destroy our relationship, tried to get him fired and even two years later was rearing her ugly head. (I ended up getting a restraining order against her to prevent her from contacting me)

There were some issues of possessions not returned and money she thought she was owed. (She thought that Master should return the single tail she gave him for his birthday and he should pay her back for sponsorship on his race car) He agreed just to get rid of her. She then said that she felt uncomfortable dealing with Master, so she had her new Dom handle the negotiations.

Master agreed to what she wanted, but put conditions on the agreement. The money and single tail would go into the bank, where they could see that it was there as promised, however it would remain there for a year. If she pulled one of her stunts during that year, the agreement was null and void.

Two weeks later, the police show up at our door. She had filed a police report saying that he was threatening to beat her and kill her. Luckily, or not really luck since his past experiences had taught him about her....he had saved every email. It saved his butt.

The police were not amused. They very pointedly told us that filing a false police report was a crime and she wasted the time of two different police departments.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 12:57:30 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		He sounds like My Hubby...very careful.
LP, I hope everything is ok.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 5:42:35 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Pfffft.

I have a good enough local rep that I'm not worried. I have:

introduced several newbies into the local groups. (And been in a position to take advantage of them and not done so.)
topped numerous women, in plain view and fully consensually, checking in with them every so often to see how they're doing.
hosted several kinksters from out of town.
helped some kinksters, and had my sub help quite a few.
given advice to locals trying to salvage the Colorado Mentors Program.
maintained good relations with ex subs that became strong members of the community.


In short, I have done things that have built up a solid reputation. If someone made accusations, she'd have to have a damn good local rep to make an impact.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to TNDommeK)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 6:03:24 PM   
ThundersCry54


Posts: 71
Joined: 5/6/2013
Status: offline 		Hello LP...
Great points...
I was never that cautious...I should have been and if I move back to the city and get involved in groups again..I will be wayyyy more cautious.

My last girl in a busrt of anger brought up things from the past that shocked me. *YOU hurt me alot alot at times playing* It was huh, I thought...she knew I was sadistic and we had talked and talked many times, however, its obvious after that kind of statement we were not on the same pages, let alone in the same book...It ended on a very sad note. After more than 3 years, sooooo I really started to question myself and some of my abilitites. Get over it right! ~grins~

Thanks for your thoughts...

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 6:58:56 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		I'm sure you have an excellent reputation, Steven. So imagine LPs which is on a national level, not simply local.

The whole point is that it can happen, and everyone should be prepared for it. Sometimes the people who least think it can happen to them, get hit the worst. And while you have a reputation in the community, that wouldn't mean all that much to police.

To be clear, I'm not saying you have done anything or anything like that. But to think you have so good of a reputation that you are immune to such a thing is flippant and not a very wise thing.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 6:59:47 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		eehh...I've never worried about it. I've had allegations made against me not just in bdsm but otherwise. I just laughed, walked away and ignored them. Figured until they had the police involved, I simply did not care.

Of course, police were never involved though because the people just liked to spread rumors they knew were untrue and wouldn't hold up in a court of law.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 7:00:48 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I pretty much have the mindset that I just live my life, true to who I am, and unconcerned about what others might say about me or accuse me of. But then I am not well known in my community, and I don't really feel I have anything to protect.

When I left my ex, he threatened to contact my family and reveal some things about me. One night I was talking to my uncle, a man very dear to me. I told him the ex may be contacting him. His take was, "I've known you since you were born. I know your heart. Anyone who wants to say something to me about you is really not going to like my reaction."

But then that was a family thing.

Last Fall I sat across the table from him, with our lawyers, since he decided to sue me, 4 years after our divorce was final. Lies, lies, and lies. I exposed them, and utterly humiliated him in front of his lawyer, who gave him many "wtf" looks. It didn't even feel good, though. I'm the kind that will just walk away from bullshit and move on.

Right now, though, the Mister and I are dealing with a lot of lies/accusations from his daughter. She told a neighbor he hits her. She told the school she is homeless. Fortunately, the neighbor knows him, and knows her mother, and didn't take action about the allegations. Both parents are a united front with the school. So there are no legal issues here, thank goodness. I figure anything outside of legal issues (in which case, saving any records is a must) doesn't affect me very much. I have a circle of friends and family who are very close to me and very supportive of me. Sometimes we have to start over. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to relationships, instead of pushing for them to continue.

I don't like having to live as though one day I will need to defend myself. I do realize, though, that those very involved and known in their communities, particularly kink-related, can very quickly fall under a radar, and saving all correspondence, etc. (all the things listed in the OP) is a very good idea.

I'm hoping you are not under such a radar.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 7:16:50 PM   
ThundersCry54


Posts: 71
Joined: 5/6/2013
Status: offline 		Had to briefly look at your profile as I read your remarks to Steven...

You have never been to a munch, a play party...nothing, yet you know so much?

Maybe it`s time to get your feet wet before making those kind of accusations to a man who has contibuted so much to the scene where he is at! Its not that easy to have an impact on groups!

I`m sure your remarks will give him a good chuckle!

Now back to what the Lady asked...

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 7:29:46 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry54

Had to briefly look at your profile as I read your remarks to Steven...

You have never been to a munch, a play party...nothing, yet you know so much?


Where on Earth did you get THAT delusional idea from?

He lists in his damn profile one of the parties he does to.




< Message edited by UllrsIshtar -- 5/14/2013 7:30:08 PM >

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to ThundersCry54)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 7:42:51 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar

quote:

ORIGINAL: ThundersCry54

Had to briefly look at your profile as I read your remarks to Steven...

You have never been to a munch, a play party...nothing, yet you know so much?


Where on Earth did you get THAT delusional idea from?

He lists in his damn profile one of the parties he does to.



I was thinking the same thing....


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 7:44:45 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		I thought the post was to LafayetteLady, about her post to Steven.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 7:48:49 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

I'm sure you have an excellent reputation, Steven. So imagine LPs which is on a national level, not simply local.

The whole point is that it can happen, and everyone should be prepared for it. Sometimes the people who least think it can happen to them, get hit the worst. And while you have a reputation in the community, that wouldn't mean all that much to police.

To be clear, I'm not saying you have done anything or anything like that. But to think you have so good of a reputation that you are immune to such a thing is flippant and not a very wise thing.


Are you specifically referring to rape allegations, then?

I'm sexually monogamous with my sub. If the cops were to come, I'd be considered innocent until proven guilty. And she'd have none of my semen on her.

If it came to allegations of assault, I'm still not worried. I don't play that hard on a first session.

And my sub's a lawyer.

Part of enjoying life is to not worry about things that are not concerns.

< Message edited by DarkSteven -- 5/14/2013 7:52:00 PM >

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 7:54:06 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

I must admit that I too am confused as to the response to LL as well...if it was directed at her and not a fast reply.

Her argument is that even someone with an established reputation within the BDSM community (such as it is) is unfortunately not immune to allegations. Which is entirely true. Granted the one with a pretty stellar reputation has their good actions for people to think about, but unfortunately none of us is entirely protected from someone spewing some pretty heinous allegations of bad acts if they are so inclined...either maliciously or because they truly feel they were mistreated.

I must admit that I haven't really ever thought about needing to cover my own ass before until recently. Not because of the current connection I have with the person Im involved with, but its definitely food for thought for my own future endeavours. I lack a community reputation, so I have nothing really to fall back on as far as folks who would speak out in support of me should a situation turn nasty.

ETA: this was in response to the ThundersCry posting. Figured Id better specify what the heck I was talking about And typos...damned iPad and its infernal love of all things typo

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 5/14/2013 8:00:16 PM >

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 8:00:19 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline 		It was. I don't think her advice was bad and, just because she's never been to a public play party, that sure doesn't invalidate her opinion.

luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Protecting yourself from false allegations - 5/14/2013 8:16:06 PM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
What does it take for a person to make a false allegation? Not much.

It happens in every day life also... growing up in a small town, there were various false rumors floating around.. I just felt that those that believe that shite (without ever even asking me if it was true or not) were small minded people that will think the worst anyway, cuz its something they can yak about & so they can feel like they are so much better than anyone else..

it can happen when you own a business, it can happen when you are a tenant, it can happen when you are an employee, sometimes people will lie and fabricate false allegations.. to get money (unjustly), to get revenge, to blackmail you, to hurt you.. or for various other reasons..

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 20
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