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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 2:32:11 PM   
Moonlightmaddnes


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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
. . . Missionary sex can be amazing if the woman looking back at you is . . .

a nun.

Just sayin'



pffffft lol

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 6:42:15 PM   
littlewonder


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

~FR

Im gonna ask all of you what may very well be a stupid question.....

Exactly what is the difference between vanilla sex and BDSM sex? Is it the kink? I have had kinky sex with guys who didnt know the first thing about BDSM. I have had "nilla" sex with guys who knew exactly what they were... dominant.

I honestly just read all three pages and Im still confused on this point.

What makes it vanilla sex... what makes it BDSM sex.. and what makes them different?



There isn't. I've been trying to explain that for years to people. For me there has never been any difference. I've had "vanilla" men who liked to choke me and throw me up against walls. I've had "bdsm" men who liked long, slow, passionate love making. Maybe it's the type of men I have always dated....dominant personality men. So for me there just has never been a difference.


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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 7:30:05 PM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
Exactly what is the difference between vanilla sex and BDSM sex?

I've come to think of BDSM as Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism. I have never figured out what "discipline" means in this context so what's left is tie her up and hurt her... whips & chains used in a sexual context.

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 7:48:58 PM   
Greta75


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quote:


So, is it for you, that this vanilla guy actually held you in high regard and let you know it, that made it less than for you?

Well..., it's totally different, a vanilla man treats me like a delicate flower in and out of bed.
To me, a dom is exactly like this nice loving vanilla man outside of bed, but in bed, he should morph into something else, still respecting bounderies, but basically, not being afraid to play "bad guy". And I know that was his kink and not feel worried or scared about it.




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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 7:51:34 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I've had "vanilla" men who liked to choke me and throw me up against walls.

That's really not vanilla anymore to me.
But you're basically attracted to a traditional man who believes in the traditional hierarchy of men and women. And that can be found in both vanilla and bdsm.
I mean, vanilla does not necessarily mean "new age sensitive".
I think I view it more of a man who doesn't like playing the "bad guy" in sexual plays but always wanting to be Mr Perfect Prince Charming.

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 7:53:55 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1
I think you are over analyzing this.
Just meet someone you totally click with and it all should follow organically.
Sex is easy, finding a great connection is the hard part.

The problem is, I "click" mentally with alot of vanilla men, whom I know is not gonna be capable of giving me what I need in bed and will run away in disgust if they knew what I want them to do to me.

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 7:57:07 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Do you ever stop to think that you are convincing yourself of this so you won't really have to connect with someone?

Just a thought.


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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 8:07:42 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Do you ever stop to think that you are convincing yourself of this so you won't really have to connect with someone?

Just a thought.

Well, also bad experiences.
Say for this guy in the topic, I asked him to spank me harder and he refused. Said he don't hurt women.
I've tried to introduce things with vanilla guys, and they will never go where I want them to go, to be rougher, harder, tougher. And I always get the same "reasoning", that they feel like a bad guy doing that, and they don't like to hurt women, even though I say, it's not hurting me, it's bringing me pleasure.
So yes, until I meet a vanilla man who can go the distance with me, I guess my experience have shrouded my views.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 6/3/2013 8:08:32 PM >

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 8:18:12 PM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
Do you ever stop to think that you are convincing yourself of this so you won't really have to connect with someone?

OK, I'm really, really confused here. As I read this Greta is saying a very simple thing -- she wants a BDSM top (not a dom, not a master). That seems about as cookie cutter standard BDSM as you can get. She wants some nice guy she can negotiate some scene with then they can both go have a rockin time doing whatever they do and then go back to being vanilla. Why is that a problem?

I gotta admit I'm sure understanding Greta's posts here better than your own.. vanilla guys who like to choke you? What the heck definition of "vanilla" are you using?

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 69
RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 8:19:55 PM   
tazzygirl


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Status: offline 		An act doesnt make someone dominant or submissive.

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 8:28:37 PM   
JeffBC


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
An act doesnt make someone dominant or submissive.

You and I, I'm pretty sure, see "dominant" in similar fashions so I think we can put that entire line of questioning to bed. But to map into CM Board speak, Greta does not want a dominant or a master. She wants a top. Even there the act doesn't make the man as she herself relates. There is an energy which must accompany the act for it to be meaningful to her. When I experimented with topping Carol that was obvious to me also so the experiment wasn't around doing the act but connecting with some snarly energy that felt vaguely like "blow me bitch".

But why is she being grilled about her desire for a top. That is, to my understanding, the most common arrangement in BDSM by far. It's the cookie cutter BDSM gold standard. How can that be in any way unusual?

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 71
RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 8:56:06 PM   
NuevaVida


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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC
How can that be in any way unusual?

You've been away a few weeks and we changed all the rules.

Actually, I think I get exactly what Greta's talking about. I've had kinky sex with men who weren't dominant men, and as much as they wanted to "speak sternly", hold me down, tie me, whatever - the experience was different, because I didn't feel any real power coming from them, and that power is the turn on for me. He might not be *my* dom, but he might still be a fuck buddy with a dominant personality who wants to exercise his power over me in the bedroom. Add to that some slap & tickle and maybe more, and to me, it's top/bottom BDSM kinky sex/play. So I'm not really getting the confusion, either.

And what Michael said is spot on. I've also had sex with men who saw me as nothing more than a hole to fuck, and treated me as such. It didn't feel very kinky. It felt kind of sad and empty. Couple that with someone who could smack the hell out of me and yet trusting with all my being that in all things in life, he's got my back and I've got his immense love....that's really something else.

For me...."BDSM" is just the act of bringing kinky toys into it. Vanilla or D/s. You know, vanilla folks have what they call "Kinky sex." It's what we call BDSM. Whatever - different name, same thing. M/s and D/s may or may not include BDSM. Now it seems to me Greta wants a Top/bottom scene with BDSM, only with someone whose power she's going to feel - andwhy the heck not? It's out there...might just take some effort to find.

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 8:59:20 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		All I was trying to get at was the act itself. "BDSM sex" vs "vanilla sex". Neither of which exist.

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Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 9:04:52 PM   
NuevaVida


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Status: offline 		Tazzy to me, "BDSM" = Kink. So for me there's kinky sex and non kinky sex.

There's sex with someone who mentally/emotionally overpowers me and there's sex with someone who doesn't.

Personally I don't like the term "vanilla" but it's used too often to avoid.

I think Greta's looking for kinky sex with someone who can overpower her.

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Profile   Post #: 74
RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 9:08:53 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		I think she is looking for sex with someone who can drop her to her knees. In that instance, kink isnt needed.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 75
RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 9:11:11 PM   
Greta75


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quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
All I was trying to get at was the act itself. "BDSM sex" vs "vanilla sex". Neither of which exist.

It only doesn't exist if we are going by the definition that sex is just the act of penetration. Then yea, both are exactly the same, but that's not what sex is just about.
It's also how you penetrate, the energy you radiate.
It's a whole different energy when my x-dom orders me to drop on all fours while he penetrates me, compared to a vanilla guy, who, well, vanilla guys never orders, they always ask very nicely and politely, as I said, delicate princess treatment.
Sometimes I wish I could just feel happy with that, my love life would be alot more successful.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 6/3/2013 9:14:09 PM >

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 9:13:19 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		That comes from within, not from the act. As yous aid, you can toss all the toys into the bed with you, all the kink acts, all the trappings, but if you dont feel something then it doesnt get you off... to paraphrase. Sounds like you are looking at this from the wrong angle.

quote:

It's a whole different energy when my x-dom orders me to drop on all fours while he penetrates me, compared to a vanilla guy, who, well, vanilla guys never orders, they always ask very nicely and politely, as I said, delicate princess treatment.


Ever thought its because of the guy and not because of the sex?

< Message edited by tazzygirl -- 6/3/2013 9:14:31 PM >

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 77
RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 9:14:54 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		It's the way the act is executed that defines whether it's bdsm or vanilla.

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RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 9:16:22 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:


Ever thought its because of the guy and not because of the sex?

Hard for me to think that because I really really really really like this guy I mentioned in the topic. Mental and emotional connection is all there. Just that, I have to respect his values, that even if I told him it does not hurt me, but he has his own sense of honour that he lives by, and I have to respect it and not push.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 6/3/2013 9:17:22 PM >

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 79
RE: BDSM sex versus Vanilla Sex - 6/3/2013 9:16:33 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		lol.. how so? I recall one of the best sex events I ever had was with a man who we did nothing more than masturbate each other. No kink involved. And it was glorious! Why? Because my heart was fully engaged.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 80
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