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insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 5:34:24 AM   
bitingmylip


Posts: 12
Joined: 5/31/2013
Status: offline 		Im new to bdsm i first started about a year ago met a master agreed to train with him i screwed up got punished... I got a little scared then i got drunk away from master and made a huge error i got scared of what was gunna happen so i ran away six months ago i went back beggin on my knees he took me back all sins forgiven but now i feel like hes going easy on me and i dont want him to i get very little play time even though i serve him well i guess i just need to know is this normal for my master to not be playing much or is it related to my past freakout
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 5:37:39 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		So you messed up, then ran away, and decided to go back. Now you are punishing yourself over this. But he hasnt punished you. Do I have that correct?

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to bitingmylip)
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RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 5:42:18 AM   
Rasciallymisty


Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		Just my two cents even though I am not a Master, maybe you should ask him why as he would be the best one to answer this question for you. Some may have better advice but I think most are going to tell you the same thing. None of us are there nor do we know your Master. I have always gone on the best way for a relationship to work is with open communication between the two people. Sorry I am not of more help....but that is what I would do. Good luck.

misty

(in reply to bitingmylip)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 5:47:42 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		If you are afraid to talk to him about this, i don't see a lot of hope for your relationship. For me, open discussion is what a relationship is about, and that is lacking in what you have.

If you are too inhibited to talk to him face to face, write him a letter, or send him a text. You have to do something to get the lines of communication open.

(in reply to Rasciallymisty)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 6:56:22 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip

Im new to bdsm i first started about a year ago met a master agreed to train with him i screwed up got punished... I got a little scared then i got drunk away from master and made a huge error i got scared of what was gunna happen so i ran away six months ago i went back beggin on my knees he took me back all sins forgiven but now i feel like hes going easy on me and i dont want him to i get very little play time even though i serve him well i guess i just need to know is this normal for my master to not be playing much or is it related to my past freakout


You ended a relationship by running away for six months?

That to me suggests one of two things - either you have issues and problems which make you incapable of handling a relationship, or he was so abusive you feared for your safety. Either way, I don't think it looks good for you. Especially when you add to this the fact that you are too frightened to talk to him about it like grown ups. You can't have an adult relationship without clear and open communication. It just doesn't work.

If we put those issues aside, I think I would be very wary and taking it very slow if I took back an ex who suddenly ran out on me, and then reappeared in my life begging forgiveness. I might be frightened that I would scare you away again, or that if I were too heavy handed you'd go to the police or similar.

Is it normal? Some people don't have any playtime at all. Some people have only playtime and no relationship beyond that. Anywhere in between that is fine too, if it makes you both happy. Clearly you're not happy. Since things were different once upon a time, yes, I imagine it is to do with your past freakout. Even if you both get over it totally, it happened, and your relationship will be forever changed as a result.

TALK TO HIM - only he has the answers.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to bitingmylip)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 7:35:13 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip
now i feel like hes going easy on me


Well, yeah. Last time you had punishment coming, you ran away. He's not sure you are willing to take it now.

Both of you need to learn to communicate. I'd suggest setting aside one day a week to discuss the relationship and how each of you feel.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to bitingmylip)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 9:03:06 AM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		I'd like to add to the above "out of a scene context". There sounds like there's a major issue between you two, and he's not forthcoming about it either.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 9:05:39 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		Has your master ever sat down with you to discuss the reasons you ran away? I mean, I don't know..., end of the day, the dominant is suppose to be leading and taking care of his sub's welfare. You ran away, as a Master, I expected him to get to the bottom of it.

(in reply to MasterCaneman)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 9:27:49 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip

Im new to bdsm i first started about a year ago met a master agreed to train with him i screwed up got punished... I got a little scared then i got drunk away from master and made a huge error i got scared of what was gunna happen so i ran away six months ago i went back beggin on my knees he took me back all sins forgiven but now i feel like hes going easy on me and i dont want him to i get very little play time even though i serve him well i guess i just need to know is this normal for my master to not be playing much or is it related to my past freakout


You probably won't like my assessment of your situation very much.

Training.....let me guess, he trains you by tying you up, beating you and then fucking you?

He's a guy. You're young, cute and new. Of course he took you back.

There's no communication going on, at all.

And if I had to state my own opinion, he's not a Master in this relationship. For a couple of reasons, he's not making the efforts to make you feel secure and the whole "training" thing which gets used to manipulate new submissives.

I don't see a lot of hope for your "relationship".

I'm going to say that you should probably find yourself a submissive female mentor. I'm also going to suggest that rather getting into a relationship where you consider yourself the property of someone else, that you get out into the community and learn.


< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 6/4/2013 9:30:31 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to bitingmylip)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 10:03:54 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		You are too young to believe this advice, but here goes.

Find a good therapist and master your insecurities. Do that and you will then gain the confidence to choose far better men than you are choosing now.


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 10:12:50 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		You don't have a master, you have some clueless dude with anger issues who has no idea how to create a happy supportive relationship where you can both flourish. Between his anger issues and your insecurity neither of you has the basic relationship skills to make this work.

If a miracle happens and he agrees to support your seeing a therapist, he might be okay, if he will also join you in additional couples therapy you guys have a decent chance.

Otherwise, get your own place, learn to master yourself so you have power to surrender. Right now you are just a young girl not ready for a mature relationship.

Good news is that if you DO this work you will be happier, love yourself moe, AND attract vastly better men.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 10:41:55 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		You showed him by leaving that you weren't willing to play by his rules, he took you back, now he's reluctant to do the things that made you run away. He's definitely playing by the rules you set on your last freakout because he wants to keep you around by not agitating you again. The one real way to know would be to ask him and get it straightened out.

Edited to add: Btw, not all people who engage in BDSM or D/s think submissives need to be punished. If his mode of operating is to wait for you to screw up and then punish you for it then I agree with SimplyMichael in saying you don't have a Master, you have someone with anger issues and poor relationship skills.

< Message edited by lizi -- 6/4/2013 10:44:29 AM >

(in reply to bitingmylip)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 12:08:06 PM   
bitingmylip


Posts: 12
Joined: 5/31/2013
Status: offline 		Hmm i guess i should explain more master and me do talk quite a bit he is always willing to work on things if i say somethimg.not feeling right but.i feel like saying master your going easy on me it will make him upset and no he doesnt wait for me to.mess.up and punish me for no reason... )ell set task detail them out and if i fail.then i get punished for failing to follow directions ie taking.shortcuts when cleaning i broke a picture frame type thing and the reason i ran.is because i cheated drunk on him i knew the punishment was gunna.suck or.he would just end it if.i.told.him... I chose to leave before i.got hurt.figureitvly.literaly and my first real scene was getting punished i walked in not knowing what to expect and after that was scar ed all play was like a punishment... I know now its not and i enjoy playing.... But since coming.back ive made mistakes and havent been punished.just given that look like what the hell and nothings happened and xactly he never punished me for cheating or running or the name.calling.that came with me running he just let it go... Im still mentally punishing myself for it tho

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 12:26:20 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip
no he doesnt wait for me to.mess.up and punish me for no reason... )ell set task detail them out and if i fail.then i get punished for failing to follow directions ie taking.shortcuts when cleaning i broke a picture frame type thing


You just contradicted yourself. You accidentally broke a picture frame and he punished you for an accident. That is punishing for no reason. I also wouldn't view punishing for failure to follow directions while cleaning to be effective either.

A good Dominant sets their submissive up to succeed, not fail.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to bitingmylip)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 12:32:28 PM   
Darkfeather


Posts: 1142
Joined: 3/13/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bitingmylip

Hmm i guess i should explain more master and me do talk quite a bit he is always willing to work on things if i say somethimg.not feeling right but.i feel like saying master your going easy on me it will make him upset and no he doesnt wait for me to.mess.up and punish me for no reason... )ell set task detail them out and if i fail.then i get punished for failing to follow directions ie taking.shortcuts when cleaning i broke a picture frame type thing and the reason i ran.is because i cheated drunk on him i knew the punishment was gunna.suck or.he would just end it if.i.told.him... I chose to leave before i.got hurt.figureitvly.literaly and my first real scene was getting punished i walked in not knowing what to expect and after that was scar ed all play was like a punishment... I know now its not and i enjoy playing.... But since coming.back ive made mistakes and havent been punished.just given that look like what the hell and nothings happened and xactly he never punished me for cheating or running or the name.calling.that came with me running he just let it go... Im still mentally punishing myself for it tho


First of all, please use proper grammar. Its frikkin hard as hell to read what you are saying. Second, if he is really listening to you, you would not be having these issues. Communication is THE most important thing in any relationship, kinky or otherwise. Talking is not communicating. You need to let him know what bothers you about the current situation, and he needs to fix it

(in reply to bitingmylip)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 2:14:09 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		Oh you beat me to it DF, I couldn't understand anything she said.

Ok my two cents.....and you won't like mine either.
I don't see this happening. Have you discussed why you cheated? And why you're till breathing after the cheat part?
Seriously though, there has o be a root to all this. If he gets mad when y'all talk, there's your first sign.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to Darkfeather)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 2:43:58 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I couldn't quote your latest posting because it was almost incomprehensible. You may feel that people are being rough on you for that, but how are we supposed to know what you are talking about if we can't even understand what you write? If you are posting from a phone, that may be the problem.

You say feel like telling him that he's going easy on you...so do it. Why do you think that would that make him upset? If you telling him that did make him upset, then that isn't exactly being willing to work on things - although you claim that he is.

You also seem to say that you didn't ever get punished for your major transgressions although you punish yourself for it, have you ever considered asking him to do that for you so you can forgive yourself and move on?

(in reply to bitingmylip)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 3:02:49 PM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		FR~

Man... I had to copy/paste that wall of text into a word processor and pull it apart to make any sense of it at all.
Even if posting from a phone you can add empty lines to break it up.

I can't see this relationship going anywhere except down the pan unless you can actually TALK to him.
I don't mean idle words and waffle.... Stuff that he will listen to and DO something about.

If he isn't doing anything about the situation, it can only mean one (or both) of two things -
A) You aren't communicating your issues to him in a way that he understands;
B) He doesn't really care for you at all and he's just biding his time until you aren't there any more.

If it's A), you really need to sit down with him and lay the cards out on the table.
Tell him what is making you unhappy and if he intends to do anything about it to change the situation.
Use simple and straight-forward English. No waffle. Say it plain and simple... s-p-e-l-l--i-t--o-u-t for him.

If it's B), or the answer to A) isn't favourable, you need to pack up and ship out. Period.
Find someone who can make you happy and content.


(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 3:51:20 PM   
MasterSadric


Posts: 25
Joined: 8/19/2008
Status: offline 		Get ready for another opinion you are not going to like:

He is no longer your master.

I think you already realize that. There is ZERO trust left in the relationship. You didn't trust him not to hurt you, and he certainly can not trust you now. I have to ask, even without the D/s part: How is this a healthy relationship?

Honestly, if I had been in his position, I doubt I would have taken you back. He has, but he's probably hurting badly from it. Now, after you've betrayed his trust, run off, and come back groveling, you're not happy because he's obviously affected by it all?

I think what you're really saying here is: "I want him to act like he did before, because that will take away my guilt". That, my dear is not going to happen overnight. If he cares for you at all, you hurt him deeply with the cheating and again with the running.

It sounds to me like he is just going through the motions and is still making up his mind.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: insecurities eating me alive - 6/4/2013 3:57:15 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterSadric
There is ZERO trust left in the relationship. You didn't trust him not to hurt you, and he certainly can not trust you now. I have to ask, even without the D/s part: How is this a healthy relationship?
That is dead on.

quote:

He has, but he's probably hurting badly from it.
That's assuming that he was emotionally involved. It's entirely possible that it was just kinky sex for him and he took her back because young, cute, newbies don't come along every day, but now he's even less invested than before.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MasterSadric)
Profile   Post #: 20
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