RE: Dom is different (Full Version)

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tazzygirl -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 2:54:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuteness2472

Thank you I understand but my question way back when was him acting different. Everyone went and started judging me and him on our lives which was totally off topic. It wasn't the question. Anyhow thank you for your thoughts. Some of you have privately messaged me and thank you very much.


And you dont think that guilt... or the summer with kids... or his wife... could have had anything to do with him "acting different"?



LafayetteLady -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 3:14:40 PM)

Make no mistake, you ARE judging. It is also ludicrous to think that people should be grateful for you stating the unvarnished truth. Truth is truth and people who are doing wrong are rarely grateful to have it told to them.

I disagree with your bashing of the poly people, no matter how "nicely" you tried to put it. "Cheating" by the very nature of the term is to do something without another's knowledge, and something that would be considered "against the rules." So for the poly people it isn't cheating, since no one is hiding anything. Does that mean that there aren't some poly people who do that rather than work on issues in their marriage? Of course not, but I don't believe that is the case all the time. Frankly, this would be akin to those who say that gay marriage is wrong because it is between two people of the same gender. Just because it isn't your "rules" doesn't mean that the term "cheating" applies. It is cheating when one person in the marriage unilaterally makes the decision to step outside the marriage behind the other's back, or the equally insidious, "if you don't do this for me, I will find it somewhere else." Being honest with each other about your needs IS working on the problems in the marriage.

I am a monogamous person, and I don't pretend to understand what makes people poly. But as long as everyone is on board with it, then there isn't a problem, not a perceived one or a real one, regardless of how you might try to apply your own situation to everyone else's. My ex husband never cheated on me, nor I on him. To my knowledge, none of my previous partners cheated on me either, so no bitterness here.

Your reactions to the remarks made to you were not because "people made you do it," any more than your husband's behavior "made you cheat." You already WERE the person you were being labeled as, no matter how much you want to deny that to this day.




TNDommeK -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 4:11:20 PM)

By my book, if you can't or wouldn't do it in front of him/her....it's cheating.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 5:57:45 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

By my book, if you can't or wouldn't do it in front of him/her....it's cheating.

I'm familiar with situations where the spouse is ok with it happening, but doesn't want to see it. Real example: cancer causing the husband to be unable to perform, or even to focus on anything for more than 10-15 min. Okay with the wife getting her needs met, doesn't want to be reminded about it happening.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 5:59:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuteness2472
Thank you I understand but my question way back when was him acting different. Everyone went and started judging me and him on our lives which was totally off topic. It wasn't the question.

???????

You do realize the situation would be different if you were both single, 20-year-old college students, right? Your lives matter.



littlewonder -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:05:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1


quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

By my book, if you can't or wouldn't do it in front of him/her....it's cheating.

I'm familiar with situations where the spouse is ok with it happening, but doesn't want to see it. Real example: cancer causing the husband to be unable to perform, or even to focus on anything for more than 10-15 min. Okay with the wife getting her needs met, doesn't want to be reminded about it happening.



Maybe it's just me but to me that's still cheating. Yeah, he might know and he may tell her to do it but emotionally he's a complete wreck. He's just telling her because he feels guilty for her not getting fucked. But yet he still loves her and the idea of her being fucked by someone else hurts him emotionally. This is why I don't always take consent as being the most important thing.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:08:18 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1


quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

By my book, if you can't or wouldn't do it in front of him/her....it's cheating.

I'm familiar with situations where the spouse is ok with it happening, but doesn't want to see it. Real example: cancer causing the husband to be unable to perform, or even to focus on anything for more than 10-15 min. Okay with the wife getting her needs met, doesn't want to be reminded about it happening.

Maybe it's just me but to me that's still cheating. Yeah, he might know and he may tell her to do it but emotionally he's a complete wreck. He's just telling her because he feels guilty for her not getting fucked. But yet he still loves her and the idea of her being fucked by someone else hurts him emotionally. This is why I don't always take consent as being the most important thing.

You have a point. In the situation I'm thinking of, she never took him up on it, because she couldn't bring herself to. He's now passed away, and she is currently celibate. But what if he had continued living for years? It's a real question.



littlewonder -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:11:21 PM)

I'd still say it's cheating because it's hurting him emotionally. The amount of time has nothing to do with it. Now if he truly doesn't care and isn't being hurt emotionally at all, then fine. But my experience with what you described is the consent by guilt which imo is not really consent at all. I've seen it done more times than not. Hell, we see it on these threads all the time. Sub says he can fuck/play with whoever he wants. She just doesn't want to know about it or she does know but doesn't say anything even though she's hurting inside so she comes here to get advice.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:16:07 PM)

Well, this is a much more interesting conversation to me than the one we were having with the narcissistic OP. But look. I know/knew both these people very well, and you have to balance out the fact that he felt guilty denying her something, and wanted to be able to give her something every day. So permission was something he could give her, even if he couldn't give her an erection. Cost-benefit analysis: is he more emotionally hurt by her going outside the marriage, or is he more emotionally hurt by not being able to provide her an orgasm in some way? And what hurts her more?

I don't think there are any capital-R rules here, except to try to figure out what is best for each other.



tazzygirl -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:16:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1


quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

By my book, if you can't or wouldn't do it in front of him/her....it's cheating.

I'm familiar with situations where the spouse is ok with it happening, but doesn't want to see it. Real example: cancer causing the husband to be unable to perform, or even to focus on anything for more than 10-15 min. Okay with the wife getting her needs met, doesn't want to be reminded about it happening.


Seen that often as well. They know... they just dont want details.



MistressKel -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:18:37 PM)

"I want a discreet relationship preferable someone in same circumstance or understands and will not get attached and can separate our other lives. It's purely sex and that's it." From your profile...

Ummm...you got what you asked for. What is the problem?




tazzygirl -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:25:06 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

I'd still say it's cheating because it's hurting him emotionally. The amount of time has nothing to do with it. Now if he truly doesn't care and isn't being hurt emotionally at all, then fine. But my experience with what you described is the consent by guilt which imo is not really consent at all. I've seen it done more times than not. Hell, we see it on these threads all the time. Sub says he can fuck/play with whoever he wants. She just doesn't want to know about it or she does know but doesn't say anything even though she's hurting inside so she comes here to get advice.


Its guilt because they realize their partner is going without because they are sick.

I cant tell you how many I have witnessed who made their partners personally swear a lifetime oath of loyalty...never get married... never date anyone... never have sex.

I have seen those who begged their partners to remember them fondly, to pack up the photos quickly and move on with their lives.

By this point, the person doing the demanding pretty much knows they wont be going home. So what does the surviving spouse do? Divorce them so people's sense of morality can be protected?

I dont have to live these peoples' lives. I dont have to stand before any gates or pillars or whatever in the after life and answer for my deeds on earth, if you believe in that kind of thing.

Cheating, for me, is not an option. I did it once, felt horrible for it, and thats the end of that. But I refuse to be so pompous as to tell someone else they shouldnt.

Its none of my business.

But, if I am asked a question like.. why does he do this? .. and I feel his marriage may be a reason why, I will point that out.



TNDommeK -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:31:03 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1


quote:

ORIGINAL: TNDommeK

By my book, if you can't or wouldn't do it in front of him/her....it's cheating.

I'm familiar with situations where the spouse is ok with it happening, but doesn't want to see it. Real example: cancer causing the husband to be unable to perform, or even to focus on anything for more than 10-15 min. Okay with the wife getting her needs met, doesn't want to be reminded about it happening.


Seen that often as well. They know... they just dont want details.


I think there are certain circumstances, however, I agree that it is still cheating....or the "lite" version of it.



littlewonder -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:34:07 PM)

I was simply responding to what RedMagic wrote on being ok if the husband said it was ok even though he didn't want to know about it. I gave my view on it that for me, it would still be cheating. I still view it as cheating. I've had two sisters who had to watch their husbands die a long, lingering death. The husbands gave them consent but neither of them ever went there. They were loyal because they loved their husbands more than getting laid. But what Other couples do is none of my business and I don't really care. Just my opinion. Nothing more.



Cuteness2472 -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:43:46 PM)

Umm why do you care



tazzygirl -> RE: Dom is different (6/15/2013 6:51:23 PM)

Soooooooooo Cuteness, did things get settled?



LafayetteLady -> RE: Dom is different (6/16/2013 12:52:25 AM)

So now it's pompous to tell people they are wrong for failing to honor their word and be honest? So why build trust in your relationship at all? It's pompous to believe people should be honest.

That is even funnier than the OP foolishly thinking she has a right to her married lover's time.



tazzygirl -> RE: Dom is different (6/16/2013 7:22:32 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LafayetteLady

So now it's pompous to tell people they are wrong for failing to honor their word and be honest? So why build trust in your relationship at all? It's pompous to believe people should be honest.

That is even funnier than the OP foolishly thinking she has a right to her married lover's time.


No, its pompous for me... do read that post again.



chatterbox24 -> RE: Dom is different (6/16/2013 7:50:31 AM)

Nope, wasn't judging or bashing poly. AT one point, I was leaning toward it. No matter how I turned it though, in my situation, it was not going to work, for many many reasons. My husband didn't sign up for it, really didn't want it, and the nagging "this is wrong" kept rearing its ugly head. My own belief system, the way I was raised, kept coming up. The emotional and spiritual turmoil always returned. I wanted what I wanted and what I wanted wasn't working out. I did what was needed instead. Very difficult decision. I was selfish with my desires and was hurting others. I really didn't care enough in the beginning, because my pain was to great to feel the pain of others. I wanted to lash out at the person who hurt me, and durng that time I really didn't even realize why I was doing the things I was doing.
I am a person who can see grey areas in many things, and it can make a person seem like a hypocrite at times. Most people just want some understanding. a solution, an answer, and experience shared. If someone is asking a question about a problem, a lot of times they are hurting, and bashng them over the head with how bad they are sure isn't effective, or how bad their actions are. Should it be brought to their attention? Sure. But most likely they already are struggling anyway, with what they are doing. I know from experience. The point is, most people have to experience things for themselves to make their own conclusions. Some will get lucky and escape a terrible end, and some wont and they will have to live with that.

The dom is acting different because he cant invest all his time in you. He put more time in to get to the sex is my guess. Now he feels he got you to the point he wanted you, now your invested. ITs all a balancing act, family vs mistress. Not to be crass but get used to it, the chances of it changing in your minds favor is nil to none. Nature of the beast. IT would be great to have all the answers and outcome now, but trust me all of it will come in its own good time.



VideoAdminChi -> RE: Dom is different (6/16/2013 11:16:13 AM)

FR,

A number of posts were removed for violations, as were posts that quoted them or were in reply to them. Letters were sent for violations. If you did not get a letter and your post is still relevant, feel free to write to me to get it back to repost.




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