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Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 2:48:09 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		From a thread in the "Ask a Master" section, I picked up my copy of the following book.

"He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt

Well worth the money... there is even a movie out. But the book is far better.

My own copy is a bit worn. To be honest, its my second copy. I gave the first to a girl friend's teenage daughter.

So I decided to poke around on line and I found a site with a bunch of quotes from the book. I could have pulled them myself, but, hey, what the hell, its a lazy Sunday.

“Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.”

“I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: THE WORD "BUSY" IS A LOAD OF CRAP AND IS MOST OFTEN USED BY ASSHOLES. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.”

“The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.”

“Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.”

“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves”

“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you”

“We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.”


“Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?”

“If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.”

“And above all, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start “figuring him out,” please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find the one that is.”

http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/822184-he-s-just-not-that-into-you-the-no-excuses-truth-to-understanding-guys?page=2

So, my question... for EVERYBODY (cus I dont believe in saying someone cant respond to a post)... do the rules of dating apply to lifestyle relationships?

Feel free to respond to all, none, or include your own.

Men! Speak up!




_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 3:09:07 PM   
MsEloquence


Posts: 72
Joined: 5/7/2013
Status: offline 		Dating is dating. People are people. They'll behave in kinky pursuit as they do in non-kinky pursuit.

_____________________________

Eloquence

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 3:10:00 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		I agree. The facts of how things are don't change simply because it's D/s BDSM.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to MsEloquence)
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RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 3:10:21 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		lol.. which is why i was asking.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 3:35:30 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		There is a rule book?

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to MsEloquence)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 3:55:14 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		Ah.............. yes.


to both questions.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 3:58:38 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

There is a rule book?


Do you have one?

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:03:58 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		Ha! I like "Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. "


So how many of us shouldn't be allowed in anyone's apartment?



< Message edited by Kaliko -- 6/9/2013 4:04:44 PM >

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:04:43 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
“Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.”


“I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: THE WORD "BUSY" IS A LOAD OF CRAP AND IS MOST OFTEN USED BY ASSHOLES. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.”

“The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.”


If he's using it all the time, yup. True. Master used to do this a lot when we first got together until one day I confronted him with it and told him I needed more time with him and I felt he was ignoring me. He said he hadn't even realized it because he was really, truly busy and he was having a difficult time making room in his life for everything. It was at this point he realized he had to make time or our relationship would end. Now we make it a point to ALWAYS make time for each other. At the moment, since we both started new jobs, we're feeling the "busy" thing happening again and neither of us are happy at all about it and we're still trying to figure out how to make more time. So yeah...if he's doing it all the time and doesn't see it as a problem, then yup....asshole.
quote:


“Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.”


Yup again. Again, Master did this a few times until I encountered him about it. It kinda upset him that he was doing it and from that point on he makes it a point to not do it anymore. Of course, there are those times when he still says it but something comes up and he can't call or text me right away but it doesn't happen that often anymore and we've been together long enough that I know when something has happened and it's why he hasn't contacted me. We just have that connection now.

quote:

“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves”


It depends. What are you asking him for? What do you want from him? If you're acting like a princess or an obnoxious and bossy girlfriend, then imo, he should be telling you how it is instead of trying to give you everything and running himself into the ground because of it. And why is it all on him? She should be doing the same...giving him her all. It takes two.
quote:


“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you”


This I agree with and the same goes for her. Both need to show their hearts to each other whether it be bad or good.

quote:

“We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.”


Not true of all men. Master has zero problem with telling someone this if he has to. He feels that your emotions are owned by you, not him. The way you react is on you. Not him.
quote:


“Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?”


Actually no. If he does that, what's happening to the rest of his life? I mean, if he's spending all his time thinking about me how is he paying his bills or making sure his mom and/or children are happy and healthy? What about work and friends? There's more than just me in his life.
quote:


“If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.”


This is true.....unless you REALLY don't wanna be found. Then that's a whole nuther story.

quote:

“And above all, if the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start “figuring him out,” please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find the one that is.”


True. Why waste your time. Move on.

quote:


So, my question... for EVERYBODY (cus I dont believe in saying someone cant respond to a post)... do the rules of dating apply to lifestyle relationships?



Yes. Bdsm dating is no different from "vanilla" dating. The same rules apply....at least for me. I've never seen them as somehow different or separate. Dating is dating.







_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:15:35 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko

Ha! I like "Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. "


So how many of us shouldn't be allowed in anyone's apartment?




LOL I liked that one myself.. however... that would make my apartment the circus.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:25:13 PM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

So, my question... for EVERYBODY (cus I dont believe in saying someone cant respond to a post)... do the rules of dating apply to lifestyle relationships?

Feel free to respond to all, none, or include your own.



I don't have that book yet, but I have several on dating...
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
The Rules
How to Marry the Man of Your Choice

When I believed in all that cr*p about some guys being shy (instead of just NOT being into me enough, lol), I ended up with men who kept me around because I was convenient. It didn't help that my best friend (who was older than I was) was a "flower child" in the seventies and hadn't changed her standards since then, encouraged me to have sex with anyone I wanted to, just for fun and to feel good and to see where it went.

I wish that in my youth I hadn't cheated myself out of courtship/dating. My girlfriend was wrong. Being "swept away" and going to bed with someone on the very first day I met them was NOT a good way to check for compatibility before walking into a long term relationship. In other words, if I had dated past boyfriends for two weeks, I would never have made the mistake of going to bed with them and feeling like I had already committed myself to an LTR.

Courtship still matters...I believe it's the time when a man gets to discover for himself if she inspires him enough to believe she is worth all that effort, etc.

I stopped sleeping around. It gave me a lot of time to think about my past choices and why my relationships didn't go the way I needed them to. It also left me a lot of time for reading.

By the time I had figured out what I was doing wrong, I had lymphoma and figured out it was unfair to date anyone. Eventually I discovered BDSM and started dating again, but in a limited way. I wasn't looking for a life partner. With me, the rules are different when choosing a life partner rather than choosing someone more temporary. A friendly bottom or (incompatible for long term) submissive doesn't have to be in love me.

When I finally went into remission and stayed there, that's when I was receptive to looking for a lifemate. I didn't want someone who needed me to be convenient. Also, bo didn't let a day go by without writing to me or phoning; it wasn't a duty he had to perform to make me happy, he NEEDED to have daily contact with me.

IMHO, dating is when we find out if we are compatible, and if the guy is really into us. If we are a priority or...very low on his list. So my answer is yes. For lifestyle or vanilla, dating should be the time when we discover if we are compatible outside of a bedroom.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:28:50 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
Men! Speak up!

So based on your quotes only since I have not read the book I'd say that well... any woman who found that book informative would not be a friend of mine much less my lover, wife or property. Hell, I'd want to sleep with one eye open.

Insofar as whether the rules apply, I'd say that depends. "The Rules" are meant for the normal case of wanting some sort of reasonably lasting emotional and physical bond of intimacy with some sort of reasonable risk mitigation strategy. If that's what you're looking for then the rules apply (insofar as any rules ever apply to something as unique as a relationship). If you decide to toss them by the wayside that's fine also. But then you are navigating with your own chart & compass and if you get lost and tossed up on the rocks you've got nobody to blame but yourself.

If the relationship you're looking for varies... say you were hoping to go on down to the bar and get laid and maybe pickup a longer term fuck buddy then I'd say the rules apply a lot less.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:28:51 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Yes. Bdsm dating is no different from "vanilla" dating. The same rules apply....at least for me. I've never seen them as somehow different or separate. Dating is dating.


I think, for me... great responses to all them btw... that some things are a bit different, at least in my dynamics. I expect to be kept in the loop. And I need almost daily contact. That doesnt mean a 2 hour long phone call, or push me against the wall kind of sex. But a message, text, note, voice mail, email, something.... silence drives me crazy.

But things like "call when you promised you would". That isnt always possible. And I was curious how others would view that from a submissive, or dominant, perspective. My ex would tell me "I knew you would be waiting. Its good for you to wait."

That kinda thing.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:31:34 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		For me those things were the same no matter who I was dating and the not calling every single day, I kinda got used to that from my husband being in the military and I would have to go weeks without hearing anything. Back then the internet and cell phones were not really around.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:36:57 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

“Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.”

“I’m about to make a wild, extreme, and severe relationship rule: THE WORD "BUSY" IS A LOAD OF CRAP AND IS MOST OFTEN USED BY ASSHOLES. The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.”



I'm not so sure that I believe that it's all that bad a thing if a man says he's busy. It definitely doesn't make him an asshole. He's just choosing his priority for that moment. And yes, that does sometimes mean that the woman is simply not his priority. I don't think it makes him an asshole if he wants to keep a woman around for when he's not busy. That may be all he wants from her. And if that is all he wants from her, it's up to the woman to decide if that's good enough for her, not for him to change his priorities to suit her. These particular quotes sound like they're coming from a bitter place.


< Message edited by Kaliko -- 6/9/2013 4:38:09 PM >

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:40:04 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		The book was written by both a man and a woman... those quotes you quoted were from the man.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:44:24 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

The book was written by both a man and a woman... those quotes you quoted were from the man.


Well then. He sounds like an asshole.

:)

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:50:55 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		LOL or maybe just very honest.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:52:04 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Kaliko


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

The book was written by both a man and a woman... those quotes you quoted were from the man.


Well then. He sounds like an asshole.

:)

I think he said it takes one to know one

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Do the rules of dating apply to the lifestyle - 6/9/2013 4:54:51 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		But honestly, my feelings about it still stand. I don't think that a man saying he's busy (instead of letting a woman go altogether) is him being an asshole. He just may want to keep her around, for whatever reason, but just not as a priority in his life. Does that equate to him being an asshole? I don't think so.



(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 20
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