RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way?

RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (Full Version)

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LafayetteLady -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 1:37:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Airlia As I said, to each their own. Bdsm's biggest controversy is the fact that most actions and thoughts seen to the public eye is viewed as 'wrong'. You could like a different position of sex and to someone else it may be wrong and to you it is just fine. "If you have a good conscience you can do no wrong (sin)". My taste may not be the same for you. It's arousing. It's a "fantasy". It isn't something I'm doing or currently doing. I'm certain most your personal thoughts may even be viewed as grotesque or disagreeable to your other half. You probably don't know it or don't openly admit to it. But frankly, if we go back to 'interests' on this site we are easily able to recognize different styles and likings in this area of bdsm. You may not agree with all, but they are there. As to the male who says he should walk away and not submit. You could be right. Anyone could walk away. But that's where communication, trust and mutuality fail. Why be in a bdsm relationship based on commitment if you're going to walk away. That is the easy way out. You have quite a bit to learn there chickie. This isn't a "mind fuck" that people tend to engage in for the mutual benefit of both. This is, whether you like it or not, your insecurity rearing it's ugly head. You just want to wish it away by saying it is arousing to you. You also don't seem to care whether it is arousing to your partner. As to the bolded part? Why be in any relationship if you are going to walk away? How about this? Why stay in any relationship where the person doesn't care how much you hurt them for their own satisfaction whether you like it or not? Why stay in a relationship with someone who shows they are a bit on the toxic side, always needing the other person to show you how much you mean to them by making them jealous? The game you are playing is a child's game being played by a child. Children learn to stop playing certain games when they realize it isn't productive. Perhaps when you grow up a bit you will figure that out. Oh yea, and most people in BDSM try not to break their toys.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 2:27:27 PM)
Emotional & Mental Sadism is rather edgy business. Especially when you are looking for genuine reactions with honest emotions. Unless this Dude is an emotional masochist, you are playing with fire. If you are with somebody that's an emotional/mental masochist that can maintain control of their actions (i.e. nothing that leads to true physical abuse in retaliation) then why not. If he's not into it, this relationship will come to an end with serious hard feelings. If you roll with this behavior you'll burn through many relationships if you have not done so already. Good luck

Kana -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 2:38:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Airlia I truly do enjoy the opinions, questions and advice I receive from others. Do feel free to leave a message if it pleases you. I've currently been speaking with someone for the course of seven months now. We've good chemistry and he is also in the bdsm community. However, due to a rough patch in his past there are a selection of behaviors he disapproves of entirely. A selective fantasy that both tortures and excites me is the usage of multiple people being used in a relationship. To elaborate on this, and not make it entirely sound like the term 'cheating', I enjoy hurting my partner emotionally. I like to get them to the point of exasperated and desperate need for me. I feel that, through men, when getting them jealous they seem to create more of a havoc at demonstrating their emotions. I felt as though seeing their pain while watching me flirt with another male, made them upset and strive more to have me. (As this occurred in the past). There is a thrill in watching a man angry when generally they are a sweetheart. Being as good as they can be to you. I feel that, though this may be wrong, I enjoy it. But my partner thinks differently. He calls this cheating. Something he won't tolerate. If he were to do the same to me, I feel I would be tortured but fully enjoy it. It would make me furious to see him flirting, fondling, kissing, ect.. another girl in front of me, but he also states he would not do that because this is a monogamous and exclusive bond. In bdsm, using multiple players for their 'game' is viewed as how? It's viewed exactly however the two of you decide it should be. My opinion...and ooooh,I doubt it's gonna be popular, I can see this being cruel as hell but also kinda hot. especially for a guy who has cuck tendencies-sheeeit, that's right up their pike. Further, not to sound like an ass or anything, but I only know one way to dominate-my way or the highway. If this is something you need,or random acts of emotional sadism/cruelty similar to this, then fuck him, he can either go along or simply just go. But be straight up with em. tell em something like,"I'm gonna fuck with your mind.I'm gonna fuck with your heart." Don't lead em down a path strewn with false promises. That shit sucks. That said, O-side gave some great advice on pg 1. These things, they tend to do real damage to relationships and interactions. Sometimes it's obvious for the world to see, other times it's a lot more subtle, hairline fractures that just erupt. It also plays hell on the victims psyche-you can really fuck em up if you're not really careful.

tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 2:53:03 PM)
quote: Emotional & Mental Sadism is rather edgy business. Especially when you are looking for genuine reactions with honest emotions. Unless this Dude is an emotional masochist, you are playing with fire. This! Airlia, Emotional sadism only works with an emotional masochist. You sound like both. Your partner doesnt sound like either. I get that, for you, its a fantasy you dont have to indulge in. Most fantasies are like that. Some are meant to be explored, others are... just fantasies. But unless your partner is a willing participant, its not going to work in the long haul. He seems, from your words, that he is a straight up kind of guy. He gave it to you straight. Your decision is pretty obvious, at least to me. Is your fantasy enough of a kink for you to risk losing this man you have invested so much time in? I am also an emotional masochist... to a point. It requires massive aftercare. Without that, the relationship will be doomed because the recipient will develop massive amounts of distrust, not only in you, but in themselves. It requires someone knowing the "game", how to play it, and... this is the part most dont get... when and how to turn it off.

Kana -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 2:55:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Whiplashsmile4 Emotional & Mental Sadism is rather edgy business. Especially when you are looking for genuine reactions with honest emotions. Unless this Dude is an emotional masochist, you are playing with fire. If you are with somebody that's an emotional/mental masochist that can maintain control of their actions (i.e. nothing that leads to true physical abuse in retaliation) then why not. If he's not into it, this relationship will come to an end with serious hard feelings. If you roll with this behavior you'll burn through many relationships if you have not done so already. Good luck Shit son. If they can't control their emotions, there's always a possibility of someone going reverse Arais.

Airlia -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 3:10:35 PM)
quote: If you are with somebody that's an emotional/mental masochist that can maintain control of their actions (i.e. nothing that leads to true physical abuse in retaliation) then why not. I'm understanding this Thank you for the insight quote: These things, they tend to do real damage to relationships and interactions. Sometimes it's obvious for the world to see, other times it's a lot more subtle, hairline fractures that just erupt. I'm fully enjoying your responses. Thank you for the views. I did read The Story of O and agree to this one. I know full well that I won't risk damaging my partner's affections, despite the 'fantasy' of mine. I merely apply it to Oscar Wilde's views as well. "We are punished by our refusals. Every impulse we strive to strangle broods in the mind and poisons us" But i'm certain I do not need this type of impulse. quote: I am also an emotional masochist... to a point. It requires massive aftercare. Without that, the relationship will be doomed because the recipient will develop massive amounts of distrust, not only in you, but in themselves. I definitely agree on this. I'm glad we have a mutual perspective on the subject as it allows me to better understand the viewpoint. Thank you for the experience noted.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 4:29:41 PM)
This kind of reminds me of the definition of "weeds"--something that grows that you don't want. The stuff we call "fetish" or "fun" other people refer to as "abuse" and "sick".... BUT, in order to "practice" you are going to HAVE to find at least one other person who agrees with you.

Airlia -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 4:45:00 PM)
I definitely agree with this

tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 4:48:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss This kind of reminds me of the definition of "weeds"--something that grows that you don't want. The stuff we call "fetish" or "fun" other people refer to as "abuse" and "sick".... BUT, in order to "practice" you are going to HAVE to find at least one other person who agrees with you. Abuse is perspective. Sometimes everyone agrees its abuse. Sometimes not. Im all for letting people do what they want to do, as long as only those who are consenting are those who are going to be affected.

sexyred1 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 5:32:15 PM)
I think the OP is totally insecure. The behavior being discussed is manipulative, immature, overly dramatic, exhausting and ineffective with anyone who has self esteem. Instead of this fantasy, try being a woman who deserves to be adored for the right reasons, rather than provoking a false response. I know you are 21, so you have time to think all this over. Oh, and your thinking that BDSM is fucked up, is much of your problem. Like everything else in life, a thing can only be as fucked up as the participants make it so.

tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 5:55:00 PM)
And yet some people get off on all that, red.... Im hardly insecure but I do get a tingle from a guy who knows what buttons to push to get my emotions going.

JeffBC -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 6:41:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 I think the OP is totally insecure. Gosh, I'm not nearly that judgemental. Man, some of the things people get up to in their relationships ... :) I just hope she's honest with whoever she's with so that there are no surprises.

DesFIP -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 6:50:00 PM)
I would not assume that the only reason he doesn't do this is because of bad past experiences. There appear to be a lot more emotional sadists around than there are emotional masochists. He's allowed to say this doesn't work for him. So move on and let him find someone he is compatible with. Since you clearly aren't.

littlewonder -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 7:05:01 PM)
I have a feeling you have already destroyed your relationship. You have told him what you like and even though you say you are not indulging in it, he's probably always looking over his shoulder and wondering who you're with now when you're not home and when you might try to hurt him. I know if Master said that to me, I would probably be doing just that until I realized I was dying from the emotional pain and I would have to leave if I wanted to survive.

SilverBoat -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 7:06:38 PM)
Hrmm ... ... That complex of behaviors between you and him has lots of potential for ending in mental disaster, if not worse. ... If you mentioned what your/his sides of the D/s dynamic (if any) y'all always or usually are, I missed it, but here are a couple of comments on that. If he's on the sub side, and secretly/deniably likes his playtime limits pushed in the humiliated/cuckolded direction, then your flirting/cheating/etc just might warp into a net turn-on for the overall relationship. On the other hand, if you're on the sub side and are aiming to goad him into frustrated/angry responses, that's only going to 'work' for y'all if he gets some 'reward' out of it too. So far, you've said he's expressed a hard limit about the whole mess. ... I know of one couple where that sort of thing is one of their 'games' together. They're both entirely secure in the other's faithfulness, and the flirting 'edge' adds some spice to relationship. They're quite open about the whole operation. ... In your case, there doesn't appear to be mutual consent to that sort of 'game' ... So pushing those 'buttons' seems likely to end in conflicted explosion. ... So unless an explosion is what you want, you really should get a grip on why you're pushing for it ... ...

Airlia -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 7:24:59 PM)
My gosh. By 'fucked' up, notice I did not say "fucked up", I meant in literal terms. I stated that clearly. Literal Terms. By literal, people, I'm referring to the sexual portion of bdsm. It is literally fucked. As in sex. This isn't too complicated to grasp. Excuse your perfectionist protagonist you're trying to create in the idealistic framework of your mind. We all have our own ways of going about. quote: manipulative, immature, overly dramatic, exhausting and ineffective with anyone who has self esteem. Right now, my self esteem is doing pretty good despite your feelings that reciprocate otherwise. Despite my age. You can perceive it how you like. Now, you could easily talk to my partner and I'm certain he would disagree with the futile, simplistic, inaccurate sentiments you've made up of me simply by reading one simple post. I find that to be a bit immature. Plus, you keep going on about it. I got you. Can you get to the therapeutic advice part? Age is purely mind over matter. You don't mean to tell me that due to the fact that a man in his 50's has had more sex that makes him more mature then a successful business man in his late twenties. It's all about background, lifestyle, their upbringing. I understand your affiliation with assuming age = ignorance and lack of well-round-knowledge but if we were both to play around that, I could just say that you're 'too old' to know what you're talking about. It doesn't feel right though because we educate ourselves in different manners to different degrees. I have plenty to learn, that's true. But so do the rest of us. That is why we are here. quote: I'm hardly insecure but I do get a tingle from a guy who knows what buttons to push to get my emotions going. Thank you for understanding. quote: I just hope she's honest with whoever she's with so that there are no surprises. Thank you for not being judgmental. Yes, I'm very open with my partner and I blatantly discussed this 'fantasy' with him. I made it clear my thoughts towards it. Not that I've acted out towards it but I did make him aware of it. Simple and clear. quote: He's allowed to say this doesn't work for him. So move on and let him find someone he is compatible with. Since you clearly aren't. So he doesn't like to do that. So that means I don't have to do that. We're compatible in many other ways than you could possibly contemplate with your minimalist perceptions. Now that we have that settled, have a lovely day. quote: I know if Master said that to me, I would probably be doing just that until I realized I was dying from the emotional pain and I would have to leave if I wanted to survive. Actually he's doing pretty good. There is something called 'trust'. Now if you don't have that with your mutual partner then nothing else works. Fortunately, I have that.

littlewonder -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 7:32:43 PM)
Oh I have trust. More than you can possibly imagine...enough for me to know he understands my reactions. We've been together for over 7 years now. You however, you're a whole 21 and I'm thinking it's a pretty new relationship or one that isn't all that old. But then I love when twentysomethings come on and act the way you have through your posts. It makes for entertaining reading and thinking of my own 21 year old lol.

Airlia -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 7:39:07 PM)
Correction. I never said you did not have trust with your partner. Re-read before you intent facetious and age-degrading replies. I said that if you, not referring to specific. If you, anyone, does not have trust, then the relationship will not work. Never did I said "You and your partner don't trust each other". Like really. Why would I even say that? I also said that I have trust with my partner In there I specified myself. quote: I love when twentysomethings come on and act the way you have through your posts. It makes for entertaining reading and thinking of my own 21 year old lol. If I put I was 68 what difference would that make? You'd say I'm an immature old woman. So let's cut the age deal. I'm not asking what an 'oldy' (like you claim to be) is doing wasting time on a porn site instead of enjoying life with your prominent other, am I? I speak myself to my extent. You speak yourself by critiquing and judging me. Cool. Well vice versa. But frankly, if you've nothing resourceful to say, why bother wasting your time on this link when there are other people you could positively have an impact on? Have a nice day.

Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 7:51:15 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Oh I have trust. More than you can possibly imagine...enough for me to know he understands my reactions. We've been together for over 7 years now. You however, you're a whole 21 and I'm thinking it's a pretty new relationship or one that isn't all that old. But then I love when twentysomethings come on and act the way you have through your posts. It makes for entertaining reading and thinking of my own 21 year old lol. I know right! My oldest is 20 now and I am that person that thinks of 20 year olds as kids.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 9:13:35 PM)
This whole topic of Emotional S&M is a rather slippery edge for me. Tazzygirl nailed it on the head with the amount of aftercare which is required or needed afterwards. I have a few issues of my own with Mental/Emotional S&M which are rather tricky to deal with at times. I'll get off on playing Mental/Emotional S&M if certain situations appear or the right combination lines up. Yes, it really is all about causing a sincere reaction and emotional/mental impact. I'm just going to keep it simple with this little tid bit.

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