RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (Full Version)

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tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 9:14:49 PM)

~grins

Yeah, talking about it can get quite involved. I just wait till people ask questions.



littlewonder -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 9:27:20 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonlightmaddnes


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Oh I have trust. More than you can possibly imagine...enough for me to know he understands my reactions. We've been together for over 7 years now.

You however, you're a whole 21 and I'm thinking it's a pretty new relationship or one that isn't all that old.

But then I love when twentysomethings come on and act the way you have through your posts. It makes for entertaining reading and thinking of my own 21 year old lol.


I know right! My oldest is 20 now and I am that person that thinks of 20 year olds as kids.



ssshhh....don't tell anyone, especially the op, but they are. [;)]




sexyred1 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 9:28:36 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

And yet some people get off on all that, red.... Im hardly insecure but I do get a tingle from a guy who knows what buttons to push to get my emotions going.


tazzygirl, I totally get that some people get off on "that". But, the difference is the way in which "that", whatever that is, was put forth here.

I commented based on the feeling I received from the OP's words on HER particular version of "that".

Yours might be completely different and if you explained what your thing was, I may or may not have had the same reply.

Somehow, just based on your posts, I doubt I would have said any of the same things to you.

And just for the record, I have no prejudice about 21 year olds. I was one myself. And I did some really dumb things then that I would never do now.

In fact, I used to think it was totally hot for a guy to be jealous; I used to look for that kind of guy; until I realized that I did not need to create a negative emotion to receive a positive emotion.

As in all things here, this is just my opinion and I offered it.



MAINEiacMISTRESS -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 9:39:49 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Airlia

I truly do enjoy the opinions, questions and advice I receive from others. Do feel free to leave a message if it pleases you.

I've currently been speaking with someone for the course of seven months now. We've good chemistry and he is also in the bdsm community. However, due to a rough patch in his past there are a selection of behaviors he disapproves of entirely.

A selective fantasy that both tortures and excites me is the usage of multiple people being used in a relationship. To elaborate on this, and not make it entirely sound like the term 'cheating', I enjoy hurting my partner emotionally. I like to get them to the point of exasperated and desperate need for me. I feel that, through men, when getting them jealous they seem to create more of a havoc at demonstrating their emotions. I felt as though seeing their pain while watching me flirt with another male, made them upset and strive more to have me. (As this occurred in the past). There is a thrill in watching a man angry when generally they are a sweetheart. Being as good as they can be to you. I feel that, though this may be wrong, I enjoy it. But my partner thinks differently.

He calls this cheating. Something he won't tolerate.

If he were to do the same to me, I feel I would be tortured but fully enjoy it. It would make me furious to see him flirting, fondling, kissing, ect.. another girl in front of me, but he also states he would not do that because this is a monogamous and exclusive bond. In bdsm, using multiple players for their 'game' is viewed as how?


OK, first off you argue to others "to each his own in BDSM", however you've totally missed the basic "code" accepted by devotees of BDSM which is "SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL". You, in your own admission, are practicing this behavior with someone who is NOT consenting to it, and therein lies your error. There are plenty of men/women out there who DO enjoy this sort of thing and THOSE individuals are the ones you should be seeking. "CUCKOLDING" is the term usually devoted to this activity. To subject a MONOGAMOUS relationship partner to this treatment when they don't consent is...ABUSE...and yes you are CHEATING. This could have long-lasting traumatic effects on him. If you gave a damn about his wellbeing you wouldn't break his trust. Trust has the same importance in ANY relationship whether it's BDSM, D/s, or vanilla.
If he is a smart man he will walk and find someone more deserving of his affections. This should free you up to find a willing participant.

--MM



tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 9:56:28 PM)

I agree it can be manipulative the way the OP presented it. And its not a kink for everyone. It requires a lot of strength, emotionally, not to break down into a ball of fluff and internalize it all. I have discovered that some people can get so into it that they cant turn it off. Eventually there has to be an end...a small break.. from that level of emotions. Its often what I call an "emotional roller coaster" While I may crave that at times, I also can get emotionally wasted and need a break. If the emotional sadist doesnt recognize that, or is extremely inexperienced, that level can be damaging to a relationship.

Its not for the faint of heart.

However, to do this to someone without them being aware.... or someone who has said this isnt something they find appealing.. can be extremely damaging. I used to get extremely nervous, unsettled, when things were going smoothly in a relationship. Felt like waiting for the other shoe to drop. It took me quite a few relationships ending before I realized what was happening. Now, I see the triggers, recognize the feelings, and I have learned to talk them out instead of pulling a massive drama queen act on the man in my life and making his life a living hell.... all in the attempts to get that antsy feeling to go away.

I had to be in emotional pain to feel loved. if I was off that roller coaster for too long, I felt like things had stagnated. I even became addicted to the aftercare, which was just as intense.

This form of masochism is no less real than someone seeking pain. Its just not as well understood.



sexyred1 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 10:00:11 PM)

And that is why I said I would never have replied to YOU the way I did to her; you are far more self aware, honest and clear about how you express things.

The way you have expressed that makes it very clear to me, even if I don't want something like that for myself.



tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 10:01:49 PM)

Between two people who are consenting... it can be an absolute high. With someone who is not... its abusive. And not just on the submissive side. Dominants can be abused by this as well.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 10:14:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl
Between two people who are consenting... it can be an absolute high. With someone who is not... its abusive. And not just on the submissive side. Dominants can be abused by this as well.


Ditto to this one... it slices both ways.



Airlia -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 10:17:31 PM)

Let me clarify. I did not, and have not attempted this with my partner. For no reason would I do something that I'm aware my partner would consider his own personal 'hard limit'. There was one question I asked. One. Despite my viewpoint, which was sincerely blunt to give a full description on what accumulates in my mind when acting in this manner. My question was basically "how is it viewed in the bdsm area". Never did I say I did this to my companion. So, despite the views I'm getting telling me I should not be with my partner because we do not have similar viewpoints in this subject, we have plenty other things in common. Also, my partner is not a submissive. Another thing most people are assuming. He is a dominant male meanwhile I classify myself as a switch because of my tendencies.

I understand if it may have seem hurtful towards the personal opinion of others, but I liberally expressed a mental thought. I don't believe I should be judged so negatively for a mere thought.

It isn't a needed fantasy that I HAVE to act on. I was merely inquiring its stance in bdsm.
Despite my incapability to meet everyone's expectation in what seems 'appropriate', I shared a personal viewpoint.
It does not need to be agreed by everyone. But nor do people need to have the assumption that I plan to break someone's heart because that is definitely not something I plan to do.

I take my companion's sentiments very seriously, hence I am not ACTING on this desire that spurs every once in a while.



switchblade4you -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 10:22:01 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Airlia

If he were to do the same to me, I feel I would be tortured but fully enjoy it. It would make me furious to see him flirting, fondling, kissing, ect.. another girl in front of me, but he also states he would not do that because this is a monogamous and exclusive bond. In bdsm, using multiple players for their 'game' is viewed as how?


Some people like to screw with other people's minds; some don't. I don't know what you mean by how this is viewed "in BDSM." Different people will have different views. Obviously, the man you are with dislikes it.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 10:22:54 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

I agree it can be manipulative the way the OP presented it. And its not a kink for everyone. It requires a lot of strength, emotionally, not to break down into a ball of fluff and internalize it all. I have discovered that some people can get so into it that they cant turn it off. Eventually there has to be an end...a small break.. from that level of emotions. Its often what I call an "emotional roller coaster" While I may crave that at times, I also can get emotionally wasted and need a break. If the emotional sadist doesnt recognize that, or is extremely inexperienced, that level can be damaging to a relationship.

Its not for the faint of heart.

However, to do this to someone without them being aware.... or someone who has said this isnt something they find appealing.. can be extremely damaging. I used to get extremely nervous, unsettled, when things were going smoothly in a relationship. Felt like waiting for the other shoe to drop. It took me quite a few relationships ending before I realized what was happening. Now, I see the triggers, recognize the feelings, and I have learned to talk them out instead of pulling a massive drama queen act on the man in my life and making his life a living hell.... all in the attempts to get that antsy feeling to go away.

I had to be in emotional pain to feel loved. if I was off that roller coaster for too long, I felt like things had stagnated. I even became addicted to the aftercare, which was just as intense.

This form of masochism is no less real than someone seeking pain. Its just not as well understood.


All of this is a bit of a touchy topic. Thank you for posting what you have about it.
The Triggers can be a bit of a bitch to deal with at times.

I have a question though...

Do you find Mental/Emotional S&M also tests the true stability of the relationship, along with bringing two people closer together in the aftercare stages? (curious)






tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 10:50:49 PM)

quote:

Do you find Mental/Emotional S&M also tests the true stability of the relationship, along with bringing two people closer together in the aftercare stages? (curious)


Yes, it can. or it can rip them apart. Too soon, or too long, and it can destroy the foundation of trust.

And that is what I meant by the addiction to the aftercare. It can bring the couple extremely closer. Its like a vanilla couple. Imagine... hmm... the "stereotypical Italian couple" who fight (im not saying they are the only ones who fight... the image is typically of a couple who fights as passionately as they love)... only to make up .... to fight again... to make up.

To me, the danger is getting into the habit of doing one or the other all the time... never time for breaks... never time to be just a "normal" couple.

Lets say the dom goes for weeks giving his sub lots and lots of attention. Then, suddenly, he goes quiet. He doesnt display any anger, doesnt mention anything going wrong, when asked, everything is "fine". he just emotionally withdraws. Most submissives will become insecure. What did I do wrong? is he ok? Are we ok? ect ect ect

In an emotional S/m relationship, the sub starts out the same way, but will slide deeper into the "omg.. is he seeing someone else?" "What can I possibly do to regain his attention?" "He doesnt love me anymore! My life is over!". It plays out like a drama queen scenario.

However, unlike a drama queen, there are true triggers, manipulated by the dominant. Its intentional. She drops into a quivering mass of questions without answers, and he is sitting there watching her melt down and enjoying the fact that HE is the one doing that to her. (I say her as the submissive because I am female.. it could be a male sub as well.) This is mental and emotional torment. Nothing physical is happening to her.

They ride this piece of the track until either she starts to give up in frustration, or he realizes her attention is starting to wander (yes, even that can happen) At which point he swoops in, apologizes (sometimes), or berates her (typically) for her utter lack of faith, which usually ends up with her apologizing to him for not trusting him enough. Then the "honeymoon" begins again.

This is but one example. Now, anyone watching from the outside would question her sanity (many have questioned mine, including myself). But the pain is real, and I feel... and feelings for me is what its all about. The aftercare produces the feeling of euphoria. All is right with the world after the worse storm she can imagine.

And this is just as effective off line as it is on line. The after care is more effective off line, obviously. lol



tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 10:59:13 PM)

quote:

My question was basically "how is it viewed in the bdsm area". Never did I say I did this to my companion. So, despite the views I'm getting telling me I should not be with my partner because we do not have similar viewpoints in this subject, we have plenty other things in common. Also, my partner is not a submissive. Another thing most people are assuming. He is a dominant male meanwhile I classify myself as a switch because of my tendencies.


I understood your question. And I answered it. I never said you shouldnt be with him. And, yes, even dominants can be abused by this emotional sadism. The ability to be emotionally sadistic is not restricted to just dominants. Submissives can play that game well.

quote:

I understand if it may have seem hurtful towards the personal opinion of others, but I liberally expressed a mental thought. I don't believe I should be judged so negatively for a mere thought.


Your scenario was a bit... short and sweet. Left on its own, it comes across as someone who would do it regardless. My posts have been about how it is for many of us and how it works. I have made no attempts to judge you.

quote:

It isn't a needed fantasy that I HAVE to act on. I was merely inquiring its stance in bdsm.
Despite my incapability to meet everyone's expectation in what seems 'appropriate', I shared a personal viewpoint.


At one time I thought I needed it to simply feel. When I realized why I wasnt "feeling" that need for the emotional pain ended. Im not saying that is for everyone, or what happens with everyone... just me... just talking about me.

Now, its something I crave from time to time.. but not anything I absolutely need.

quote:

I take my companion's sentiments very seriously, hence I am not ACTING on this desire that spurs every once in a while.


Maybe if he understood the desire better, he might be willing to give it a go. Its not everyone's kink... nor is it a common one from the responses I have seen. Encourage him, and I encourage you, to read up on this aspect of S&M.



MistressSnow -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 11:07:16 PM)

Perhaps you are seeking a cuckold relationship? You should be clear when establishing the relationship or ANY relationship that you would like to do these "scenes". BDSM is about trust and honesty.




Airlia -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/11/2013 11:20:04 PM)

Thank you for your insight. Id highly enjoy continuing communication with you.
My response, however, was directed to those unable to understand where I was coming from, not specifically to you. Yet I appreciate your response and hope to embark in more communication. Thanks again.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/12/2013 8:52:40 AM)

tazzygirl,

I really enjoy your postings on this thread. I was once involved in an intense relationship with a lot of mental/emotional S&M involved. There are moments when certain triggers lead me to engaging in it as well. It is extremely difficult if these triggers occur in a new relationship with somebody that does not truly know me well. Where there's a higher amount of trust established and involved. In the long run, I tend to stay away from mental/emotional S&M, not something which I'm too fond of engaging in very frequently anymore. At least, I'm good at dealing with somebody intentionally trying to push or hit triggers. However, there's some triggers which are not so intentional.

I am curious though, if you found certain areas or things to not say or go there while doing Mental/Emotional S&M. A bit like knowing the other persons hard limits when it comes to this? or was it an extreme free for all in your own experience?



tazzygirl -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/12/2013 9:12:32 AM)

The man is a physical sadist... not a mental one. So this has helped me pull back from the emotional edge a bit. There are many triggers. I believe each person has a unique set of them. Its much like a physical masochist. One will get off with a single tail...another may need a flogger... a third needles.

Im a huge one with being ignored. A friend I know gets her triggers from the verbal abuse from her owner (please, everyone, understand, this is consensual on her part), another friend it starts with a physical beating (she is also a massive pain slut) and he can pull her on an emotional whirlwind from there.

It has to be someone I am close enough with to actually care that they are ignoring me. Verbal abuse can also set me on that path, but its a much more temperamental one, one that I do not enjoy in the least. (I have to add here, humiliation of the sexual kind and verbal abuse, for me, isnt the same thing). So, it only goes with reason that whoever is trying it would have to know me very well.

What I do find funny is that some men, upon learning about my quirk, have tried jealousy as a way to sadistically screw with my mind. Again, unless I am really into the guy, I simply pull away and shut down. There are risks associated with this type of S&M. Too soon and its doomed.

For myself, and I am only speaking about me in all these posts, I have to care deeply for the man, and he me, for any of this to truly work. They never were relationships that someone could just come along and accidentally hit the wrong trigger. The whole package has to be there... else he isnt deep enough into my head and it simply doesnt work.



Moonlightmaddnes -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/12/2013 10:28:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder


quote:

ORIGINAL: Moonlightmaddnes


quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Oh I have trust. More than you can possibly imagine...enough for me to know he understands my reactions. We've been together for over 7 years now.

You however, you're a whole 21 and I'm thinking it's a pretty new relationship or one that isn't all that old.

But then I love when twentysomethings come on and act the way you have through your posts. It makes for entertaining reading and thinking of my own 21 year old lol.


I know right! My oldest is 20 now and I am that person that thinks of 20 year olds as kids.



ssshhh....don't tell anyone, especially the op, but they are. [;)]



Yes lol and I remember being that age and being insulted anytime someone thought of me as a kid. I would say excuse me I am married with a 3 year old child, I am not a kid. LOL.

quote:

Between two people who are consenting... it can be an absolute high. With someone who is not... its abusive. And not just on the submissive side. Dominants can be abused by this as well.


Whether it was how I read it or how she meant it, I read it as he was not participating as part of her kink but rather she did that just to get him jealous and desperate. If they both know this is her kink then hey whatever floats your boat, but if she just does this to manipulate then good luck with that, You will end up pretty lonely. I do not know anyone kinky or vanilla that would put up with that, everyone I know would walk away. Hell I would advise anyone I knew to have a little respect for themselves and walk away.



Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/13/2013 1:55:08 PM)

tazzygirl,

I've been reflecting some upon mental/emotional S&M. The majority of my relationships
which were of value to me went through this at some time or another. It's hard to
describe it, it's almost like it was a bit of a test and part of the bond forming.



LittleGirlHeart -> RE: Emotional and Mental Sadism. Is it wrong to think this way? (6/13/2013 2:14:15 PM)

Nope. There are only three things that interest me that he finds disagreeable, and I know it and I can admit it. And I'm not in denial either.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Airlia

. I'm certain most your personal thoughts may even be viewed as grotesque or disagreeable to your other half. You probably don't know it




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