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out of control sub - 6/12/2013 8:22:04 AM   
shackledNspanked


Posts: 1
Joined: 4/26/2013
Status: offline 		I have been trying to train a wannabe sub now for almost four months, I cannot control her, she is never where she should be
and I am constantly having to call her out on too many things. She knows shes out of control and yet when I get her back on track she strays again. What should I do? move on?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 8:25:43 AM   
searching4mysir


Posts: 2757
Joined: 6/16/2011
Status: offline 		Sounds like you aren't inspiring submission in her nor does she respect you. Neither of those are things that you can beat into someone.


That doesn't make her a "wannabe". It means you aren't compatible and she isn't YOUR sub.

< Message edited by searching4mysir -- 6/12/2013 8:26:41 AM >

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RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 8:34:36 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		"Out of control" can mean so many things.

It would be helpful if you could give concrete examples.

Are you expecting too many changes to happen all at once?
It is often helpful to work on one thing at a time.

Are your instructions to her clear to her?
Being clear to you is not sufficient.
You, of course, know what you mean.

Does she like however you punish?
Maybe she acts out to receive that.

But perhaps you have just not inspired her to be obedient?
I mention that (with no snark) because of the way you self-title yourself as "Your Sir" to people you do not know.
I would personally find that to be something difficult to take seriously.

On her end, she has to be willing to change and it helps if she agrees wholeheartedly to the changes you want her to embrace.
If she is at all ambivalent about it, it won't happen.


There are too many unknowns to give you a specifically helpful answer.



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RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 8:40:08 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: searching4mysir

Sounds like you aren't inspiring submission in her nor does she respect you. Neither of those are things that you can beat into someone.
This, precisely.


quote:

That doesn't make her a "wannabe". It means you aren't compatible and she isn't YOUR sub.
I found it funny that you threw the "wannabe" thing out there....because if she's not listening to you, it really could mean that you're the "wannabe".

A good Dominant sets their submissive up to succeed. If you are not clear about what you want and/or the directions, don't identify the cause of problems and come up with a resolution, you're not doing that. If you are doing that and she still won't come around, then it's time to cut bait.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 9:00:36 AM   
chatterbox24


Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
Status: offline 		IF she sincerely wanted to be your submissive, she would develop the heart for it. She would want to please you. Her actions are speaking louder then her words.
She may not agree with you on things as you develop your relationship, but if she is not having any positive response to your guidance, and is constantly defying you, it is not real.
Either its your relationship ( lack of desire, respect, feelings, etc), or she is "just out of control" as a person and really isn't in a position to actually listen and learn.

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RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 9:02:22 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		The best tool in your arsenal (as it is in any good relationship) is open and free communication. Step outside your "roles" and talk to each other. By that I mean allow both of you the freedom to speak their minds without fear of reprisal.

You are having these problems with her. What is going on? Why is she constantly acting out against your wishes? Listen to her answers, what is spoken as well as what is underneath the words.

It could be as simple as has been suggested that you are just not the Dom for her. Or it could be that there are underlying issues you know nothing about. It has been said a million times because it is so true. Communication honest and forthright is the key.

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(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 9:19:26 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shackledNspanked

I have been trying to train a wannabe sub now for almost four months, I cannot control her, she is never where she should be
and I am constantly having to call her out on too many things. She knows shes out of control and yet when I get her back on track she strays again. What should I do? move on?


She is never where she should be? Yet you say you get her back on track. Seems a tad bit... confusing.

Are your expectations too high? Are hers too low? Is she a SAM, or a brat? Both of which are legitimate forms of submission. Is she pushing you into a punishment dynamic because its what she truly wants?

Talk to her. Not as her Dom, but as a man, talking to a woman. Something isnt clicking.

_____________________________

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RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

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RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 9:25:49 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		And one important question: Have you actually met this submissive in real life?

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 10:19:29 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: tazzygirl

She is never where she should be? Yet you say you get her back on track. Seems a tad bit... confusing.

Are your expectations too high? Are hers too low? Is she a SAM, or a brat? Both of which are legitimate forms of submission. Is she pushing you into a punishment dynamic because its what she truly wants?

Talk to her. Not as her Dom, but as a man, talking to a woman. Something isnt clicking.


This is where my mind went in addition to the other things that were mentioned. I'm wondering if she doesn't like the attention (physical or mental) you give her when she's naughty. Maybe she just likes having your focus on her, and if she's "good" then she doesn't get the same intensity of your attention. Ask her for clarification.

(in reply to tazzygirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 11:51:05 AM   
Rawni


Posts: 1175
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shackledNspanked

I have been trying to train a wannabe sub now for almost four months, I cannot control her, she is never where she should be
and I am constantly having to call her out on too many things. She knows shes out of control and yet when I get her back on track she strays again. What should I do? move on?


Maybe you are a wannabe dom to put up with that for four months and not know how to handle it. For the reasons you call her a wannabe, you could be called a wannabe. You clearly saw something you wanted and went for it and continue to do so despite what you see and experience. Rather than go to name calling in your attempt to get answers, you could have presented the situation without the entitlement and evaluation that also reflects upon you. You want to be respected? Then respect those you find worthy of attempting a relationship with. Go from there. If you find it doesn't work and you want to keep working it... ask yourself why and what you are getting out of it and if you are the right person to be involved with her.

She could come here and post... I have a dom that doesn't understand that I have a life that I must take care of, children, work, health and he keeps demanding things of me that I cannot comply with, though I wish I could. Is it me or is he what you would call a wannabe dom because he doesn't get that though to me he is of major importance and I wish to please, I just have other things in life I must attend to. I feel forced to admit that I am wrong because I don't want to anger him and I just feel like I am insecure or faulty somehow, but when I look at it, I am doing what I must do and maybe he is being unreasonable.

My personal opinion is that anyone that calls someone they are involved with to any degree... a wannabe or any other name... isn't the oh so domly one... worthy of respect. Seems you both may have some work to do.

< Message edited by Rawni -- 6/12/2013 11:53:15 AM >

(in reply to shackledNspanked)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 12:31:14 PM   
Rasciallymisty


Posts: 5749
Joined: 4/16/2012
Status: offline 		If this was a vanilla relationship and she was just a girlfriend, what would you do? Would you stay and keep putting up with it? Would you sit and talk it out? Would you just walk away? I know you came and asked for advice but maybe you need to do what you feel is right for you and her and not what others think you should do. Just my two cents worth.

My one other thought is maybe she likes the chase, but is that what you want to keep doing?


~misty~

(in reply to shackledNspanked)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 7:12:25 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		If you have never met her in person then it's all just a fantasy dude and she's just playing along when she's bored. You're her online game.


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Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 7:26:59 PM   
TheLilSquaw


Posts: 2340
Joined: 10/24/2012
From: Middle River, MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shackledNspanked

I have been trying to train a wannabe sub now for almost four months, I cannot control her, she is never where she should be
and I am constantly having to call her out on too many things. She knows shes out of control and yet when I get her back on track she strays again. What should I do? move on?


Wow. If you were my "dom" and calling me a wanna be sub on a forum I'd tell you to go play in the ocean with a cinder block tide around your neck.

Perhaps she isn't the problem, perhaps the problem is that you are not inspiring her submission.

Perhaps she can't trust you enough to submit or obey.

Perhaps she senses that you truly don't have her back.

Hopefully she wonders onto this thread.
It would def. open my eyes.

< Message edited by TheLilSquaw -- 6/12/2013 7:28:53 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 8:16:08 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Ask her what the issue is.

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RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 10:37:45 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		[fast reply]
A sub is a wannabe when a dom has difficulty inspiring obedience in her. Hmmm.....

When is a dom a wannabe?

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 6/12/2013 10:38:10 PM >

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 10:45:28 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		OOOooo how I could give you a name! But, TOS prevents me from doing so.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: out of control sub - 6/12/2013 11:06:21 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Ask her what the issue is.

And this is why I love you DS.

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"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: out of control sub - 6/13/2013 11:35:21 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shackledNspanked

I have been trying to train a wannabe sub now for almost four months, I cannot control her, she is never where she should be
and I am constantly having to call her out on too many things. She knows shes out of control and yet when I get her back on track she strays again. What should I do? move on?


Communication won't work for people like these. In order for communication to be useful it requires self awareness, internal honesty, and personal responsibility. Otherwise, they are unaware of why they do things, why they have the reactions and emotional responses they do. Its like trying to "communicate" with a blind man about a sunset.



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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: out of control sub - 6/13/2013 8:38:30 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline 		obviously you aren't beating her enough. Time to graduate to the big leagues and use a Louisville to motivate her.
Swing for the fences.


_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: out of control sub - 6/13/2013 9:18:49 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Considering his profile says he's seeking wannabes, I'm curious as to why he is upset that he got just what he looked for.

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Profile   Post #: 20
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