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RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 5:55:27 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

Yes exactly. He was no secret. And honestly i don't get why the hell he care about her or anyone else knowing i have a daddy. I see him as a man first and Dom second.



He's got some of issue going on there. Honestly, your power dynamic is no one else's business and I wonder why he feels the need to thump his chest at a Nilla. The only thing I can come up with up is that he feels like there is some sort of power struggle between him and your friend and he feels insecure about it.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 6:00:47 PM   
Theredmusiclover


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline 		Well he's never met my friend so i couldn't imagine an issue with her. The whole thing is a cluster of ridiculous. I just don't get why!

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 6:13:00 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

Well he's never met my friend so i couldn't imagine an issue with her. The whole thing is a cluster of ridiculous. I just don't get why!


He doesn't have to have met her. It may simply be that he feels that she has more influence over you and what you do. It's very likely that he felt that if you told her, it would point out that he has more power over you than she does and that it would put distance between you and your friend.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 6:22:27 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

Im new, have my first Dom. Things have been going really good. I asked him last night for a new rule. Something to move us forward a bit more. Today he told me my new rule. A little back story... No one knows who he is to me except my mentor on here. My loved ones have judged me in the past when i told them of my need to submit. Even my best friend doesn't know he's my Dom. My rule is to refer to him as daddy to her and to tell who why when she asks. He also considered me telling my coworkers too because we talk about sex and our personal lives. Honestly im stunned about this rule. This will put a strain on my friendship because she will judge it and talk bad about it. Plus it feels like its forcing it down her throat. I honestly am really angry about this rule. To meddle in my relationship with others i think is wrong. He's my Dom but he doesn't have full control over my life and we've only been seeing each other about a month. Maybe im being a drama queen or something but honestly i just lost a lot of trust and respect for him. He knows i don't talk to anyone aabout being a sub because i don't feel like i can. When i have in the past i was judged for it. For him to try and force me to do it honestly makes me want to cry. It was hard enough last go around when i wasn't even a sub just thought i had sub tendencies.


Submitted for your approval:

The first lesson here is never to ask a dumb question like you asked. Please take that constructively because that is the mode in which it is offered. You asked for a new rule and this person gave it to you and you didn't like it and it has now caused problems. Let's put aside for the moment that it was a horrible rule to give you. You are not to blame for the result but you did ask the question. Now with that said let's examine the ridiculous rule you were given.

One thing that hit me from your post is that you need to be comfortable with what and who you are. If you need to submit and you are a submissive then there is nothing to be ashamed of and be damned anyone that doesn't like that about you. Who gives a shit about what someone else thinks when you are comfortable with who you are? So, please get comfortable with your need to submit. Now, if your friends and family do not understand this about you, that is fine, there is no need to try to convince them otherwise, let them believe what they want... because they will anyway no matter what you do.

What this "Dominant" said to you was absolutely out of line. You would no more march into a crowded building and shout at the top of your voice that you are into bondage and need to submit than you would go into your job and do the same thing. Your "Dominant" has insecurities that are fairly glaring as evidenced from his "rule" and from his reaction to you after you said you hated the rule. "You should be proud you have a daddy dominant so go scream it from the rooftops!" Yeah well, you should be proud to have a Dominant but seeing as you don't go around yelling to perfect strangers that you are a submissive, no one else really has to know about it, do they? I mean it only serves to humiliate you and potentially damage your current or possibly future employment, right? It could divide your friends and family, right? Most of all it has hurt you deeply... right? What this Dominant is trying to do is stroke his own ego at your expense and not giving a shit about the fallout it will cause for you... that is not a dominant, that is an idiot.

I learned a tough lesson a long time ago and I am not ashamed to admit it here because it serves as an example of something that hurt someone but at the same time it also allowed my relationship with my slave to grow. One evening I got the bright idea that I was going to try out some humiliation on my slave so, something came up and I began to berate her and I called her worthless. She got quiet and began to shiver and she ran into the bedroom crying. I had no clue what had just happened until I asked her what was wrong. Here I came to find out that she actually did feel worthless from years of mental abuse and I struck a nerve with her. God did I feel about an inch tall and felt like a world class heel. It took time for me to explain to her that I didn't view her as worthless but that I was trying my hand at "humiliation" but here is the kicker, we never discussed it before I tried it. I was all about being a dominant and I didn't think to discuss my desires with my slave. I sound like an asshole, right? Well, I am not. I care deeply for people in general, I care that much more for those that I love and I felt like shit for hurting her. I learned a valuable lesson that evening and I now will take my time and talk about things with my next slave/submissive that trusts me enough to call me Sir. Please don't judge me too harshly because I made a mistake and it was a hard one to learn from, but I did learn from it.

My point is that I didn't get all bent out of shape when I realized that I had hurt someone I cared about. I took steps to make it right. I also was humble enough to realize I had fucked up and I vowed to never do it again. Your "Dominant" just cares about his ego and he is butthurt because you aren't "proud" of him. Well, he hasn't earned that pride from you, nor should he until he makes it right. The fact that he has not cared enough to realize he made you feel like shit and thinks you are either being unreasonable or disobedient means that he doesn't care about you, just himself and how he looks. He needs a lesson and you are in a position to teach it to him. Tell him that you both need to talk about something very serious and the result of that talk will determine if he will remain in charge of you or not. If he can't handle that then he has told you everything that you need to know about your future with him and you should move along and find someone that will treat you with care and love.

I wish you luck. Please let us know how it turns out for you. You deserve to be happy.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 8/6/2013 6:46:23 PM >

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 8:41:28 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline 		My opinion? The guy might be a dom, but he lacks self confidence and control. He might have 10,000 reasons why he wanted you to do what you did, but when it comes to relationships people's comfort levels vary, and what it sounds like is he needed his ego fluffed, he wanted you to tell you BFF that he was your big, bad daddy/dom, to make himself feel important, and that is crap. Among other things, you have known him a month, and he is willing to possibly jeopardize your future in a snit over how you introduced him to your BFF? Very immature, and quite frankly, not someone I would go within a mile of. That said, the fault is his and if you are going to stay with him, he needs to do some real soul searching and realize how he fucked up. The last poster to me is the model of how to do it, he assumed something, realized the damage that can be done by assuming a dom can do 'x', and spent time making it right, he respected his sub/slave and that is important. Having power over someone like that is a huge responsibility and it isn't just about his own ego, it is about making sure you are okay too. While this is minor compared to some of the stuff I have seen or heard about, with TPE doms claiming and taking the right to do anything and to hell with the sub/slave, and it is all bad IMO. Someone doing that IMO doesn't deserve the right to be called a dom, not until they grow up and realize being a dom means being in control of yourself and self actuated, not needing someone else to brag about you to feel good about yourself. Among other things, he didn't know the difference between being ashamed of him (as a person) and being afraid of the consequences if she outed herself, and that doesn't say much about him.

(in reply to Gauge)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 8:58:30 PM   
Theredmusiclover


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline 		Ok ladies and gents let me update a bit here. I ended things with him after really thinking about it. He was stunned and wanted another chance after awhile he started to point the finger back at me. I guess if the "whole story" came out not so many people would be on my side. So let me give more details. Me and my bff talk a lot about my sex life. She knew he tied me up, pulled my hair, and spanked me. I guess he thought by me telling her he's my daddy wasn't that far off. Keep in mind tho that she thinks subs and kneeling and All that is insane and she doesn't get it. That's fine. She's entitled to her opinion. She's not offended by some kink, likes it even but to live the actual lifestyle is insane. Plus she's always the alpha and only wants a man in the bedroom. I told him all this but still he thought i should tell her he's daddy. So now i guess you have the full story. Either way i don't think it changes the fact that he one gave me a rule he didn't think id follow and two didn't really think it through which he admits too and three couldve caused large problems in my life well that's enough for me.

(in reply to njlauren)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 9:04:06 PM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

Ok ladies and gents let me update a bit here. I ended things with him after really thinking about it. He was stunned and wanted another chance after awhile he started to point the finger back at me. I guess if the "whole story" came out not so many people would be on my side. So let me give more details. Me and my bff talk a lot about my sex life. She knew he tied me up, pulled my hair, and spanked me. I guess he thought by me telling her he's my daddy wasn't that far off. Keep in mind tho that she thinks subs and kneeling and All that is insane and she doesn't get it. That's fine. She's entitled to her opinion. She's not offended by some kink, likes it even but to live the actual lifestyle is insane. Plus she's always the alpha and only wants a man in the bedroom. I told him all this but still he thought i should tell her he's daddy. So now i guess you have the full story. Either way i don't think it changes the fact that he one gave me a rule he didn't think id follow and two didn't really think it through which he admits too and three couldve caused large problems in my life well that's enough for me.



First of all, I am sorry that it ended, but congratulations for standing up for yourself and insisting on talking with him. Good for you!

As far as the "whole story" you told us everything in bits and pieces. The rest of the story could be figured out if one read everything close enough.

You start a new chapter and are a little wiser. Take two pats on the back out of petty cash.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 9:14:30 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover
I have actually met him and seen him quite a few times. Basically he has admitted he did it cause ego was hurt that i didn't tell my bff all about him. He felt like a shameful secret. He never really figured id actually do it. He's said he made a mistake and he's sorry. I know that everyone makes mistakes but i don't know what to really think about it. Im pissed and hurt.

You damned well SHOULD be. Further, I'd have some choice comments to make to him starting right out with a little discussion about what he thought the word "dominant" meant. To be clear... He lied to you. He maligned you (by mistrusting you for no reason - he assumed you would not obey). He didn't ponder the consequences if you DID obey. Yeah, genuine asshat move on his part on a wide variety of levels.

That all being said, I've made some genuinely asshat moves in my time too. It sounds like he was forthright in his acceptance of blame and his apology. Now it is up to him to undo all the damage he has done. Man, he's got some work to do to rebuild trust... or he should have. But as I've said, I've been there myself. You grab a shovel and you start digging out of the hole.

edited to add:
OK, reading the update... he failed at digging. I could've recovered from that I suspect even after you said you wanted out. I probably would've gone with something like, "Look. I know I did quite a few bad things and first I'd like to apologize... again. I'd also like to discuss them with you to make sure I haven't missed any bad consequence so that in my efforts to fix my screw-up I don't miss anything. Then I'd like to throw myself on the mercy of the court and I'd like to try to continue this relationship. Since I clearly don't deserve your trust right now let's just take any "dynamic" out of the picture. I can't really command you and you shouldn't be thinking about obeying until I've earned back the trust that I squandered. But what I know for a fact is I love you and I want to be with you and I'm perfectly willing to dig myself out of this hole if you'll give me the time to do it.

By the way, insofar as it was still relevant, I'd want to fix whatever things I'd messed up in all this even if you wanted to leave me. When I go about making amends I'm serious about it and I do it in detail with lists.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/6/2013 9:20:49 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 9:24:12 PM   
Theredmusiclover


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline 		I wouldn't change my mind and then he just started pointing the finger at me it seemed. Oh and he said if work wasn't so busy or stressful he probably would have thought more instead of acting rashly... I took that as an excuse and it just pissed me off more.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 10:01:10 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover
I wouldn't change my mind and then he just started pointing the finger at me it seemed. Oh and he said if work wasn't so busy or stressful he probably would have thought more instead of acting rashly... I took that as an excuse and it just pissed me off more.

As I said, he failed at digging so he lost you. Note that my response had not a single excuse and a whole truck load of personal responsibility. You still may not be willing to forgive and honestly that'd be understandable but he blundered.

You wouldn't change your mind in that instant. Given a well handled recovery and some time, who knows? Nothing is certain in this life but I've recovered from some fairly major screwups... much larger than that actually.

edited to add:
Now that I think on it, if you would not have accepted that at least provisionally you never would've been a good partner for me anyway. I'm looking for "happily ever after until death do us part" and that requires a lot of forgiveness.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 8/6/2013 10:02:18 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 10:06:00 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

Well he's never met my friend so i couldn't imagine an issue with her. The whole thing is a cluster of ridiculous. I just don't get why!


It's a whole much of ridiculousness!

Lets look at this. He got butt-hurt because you didnt tell your friend he was your Daddy?

I mean, COME ON! Is his life so small and pathetic that just because this one detail did not come out, he tried to ruin your life? If I had a female friend who came to me with this situation, I'd tell her to kick him in the nuts and then dump his ass.

If you can't respect your Dom, get out. Seems to me, because of his immature attitude he's lost it and I suggest find someone else who is confident in themselves, who doesn't need anyone else's approval or knowledge that they exist and is secure in their own mind. In otherwords a better Dom than this newbie!

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 10:07:51 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

I wouldn't change my mind and then he just started pointing the finger at me it seemed. Oh and he said if work wasn't so busy or stressful he probably would have thought more instead of acting rashly... I took that as an excuse and it just pissed me off more.


You are on the right track. Ignore what JeffBC says. Work, Busy, Stressful all excuses.

At the end of the day, the situation was pretty simple. It was his PRIDE that got into the way. It's that what comes before the fall. Oh yeah.....

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 10:10:33 PM   
Theredmusiclover


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline 		I am also searching for that and maybe I should be more forgiving, however I have been walked on, taken advantage of, and have wasted many years on relationships where there are red flags. For me this was a red flag. Something I haven't said on here is that I have a 1 year old son. I'm very careful about what I put on CM because I really don't want my ex to get ahold of my profile and then get some wild hair up his ass to try and get full custody of my kiddo. I need to be very careful to who I out myself to. Some courts are understanding where others aren't so much. My bff wouldn't tell my ex but when I was told "I really considered you telling your coworkers but we'll start with your bff" that raised red flags for me and made me automatically think about if people did start to talk. Also for me it just reaffirmed my decision when he started turning things back on me and then said "I was just looking for an excuse to move on". I really don't believe that I was, but whatever. Shit happens. I learned a lesson, hopefully he did too. The bottom line is no one has the right to interfere in my personal relationships, especially when it comes to me telling someone I have a daddy. That's my decision, and mine alone.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 10:18:30 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

Im new, have my first Dom. Things have been going really good. I asked him last night for a new rule. Something to move us forward a bit more. Today he told me my new rule. A little back story... No one knows who he is to me except my mentor on here. My loved ones have judged me in the past when i told them of my need to submit. Even my best friend doesn't know he's my Dom. My rule is to refer to him as daddy to her and to tell who why when she asks. He also considered me telling my coworkers too because we talk about sex and our personal lives. Honestly im stunned about this rule. This will put a strain on my friendship because she will judge it and talk bad about it. Plus it feels like its forcing it down her throat. I honestly am really angry about this rule. To meddle in my relationship with others i think is wrong. He's my Dom but he doesn't have full control over my life and we've only been seeing each other about a month. Maybe im being a drama queen or something but honestly i just lost a lot of trust and respect for him. He knows i don't talk to anyone aabout being a sub because i don't feel like i can. When i have in the past i was judged for it. For him to try and force me to do it honestly makes me want to cry. It was hard enough last go around when i wasn't even a sub just thought i had sub tendencies.



As others have said, the guy sounds like an idiot.

For one thing, your friends and coworkers probably don't want to know about your kinky life, and pushing it in their face is rude.

For another, it could jeopardize your friendships and work relationships.

Personally, I would dumb the guy. If you decide to stick with him, expect it to go from bad to worse.

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/6/2013 10:32:41 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover
I am also searching for that and maybe I should be more forgiving

*laughs* Nope. In this case you called it right. Your spidey sense was spot on. Whether or not you would've forgiven a different person is uncertain. But in this case you didn't "fail to forgive a good person so lost them". His subsequent reactions demonstrate that.

Just don't blow it if you actually get a good one.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 7:35:55 AM   
panodragon


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/2/2013
Status: offline
quote:

Theredmusiclover


You made a good decision, keep confidence in finding the right person for yourself. Somewhere there is one out for you!

Good luck!

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 8:22:18 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		The Dominant involved has sent me an email. Has he done that to anyone else that posted on this thread?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to panodragon)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 8:50:04 AM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

I am also searching for that and maybe I should be more forgiving, however I have been walked on, taken advantage of, and have wasted many years on relationships where there are red flags. For me this was a red flag. Something I haven't said on here is that I have a 1 year old son. I'm very careful about what I put on CM because I really don't want my ex to get ahold of my profile and then get some wild hair up his ass to try and get full custody of my kiddo. I need to be very careful to who I out myself to. Some courts are understanding where others aren't so much. My bff wouldn't tell my ex but when I was told "I really considered you telling your coworkers but we'll start with your bff" that raised red flags for me and made me automatically think about if people did start to talk. Also for me it just reaffirmed my decision when he started turning things back on me and then said "I was just looking for an excuse to move on". I really don't believe that I was, but whatever. Shit happens. I learned a lesson, hopefully he did too. The bottom line is no one has the right to interfere in my personal relationships, especially when it comes to me telling someone I have a daddy. That's my decision, and mine alone.


To me the question is whether he made a mistake or his actions reflect that he is fundamentally flawed. I was worried about you because you wrote that you were upset and hurt, and I don't think you can solve relationship problems in the heat of a moment. It's better to talk after things settle.

As for who knows what: my wife tells her friends everything - and I keep everything secret. I don't like others knowing my stuff. That is between me and my partner. The exception would be other kinky people, but I am not involved in the local community. I just like keeping a low profile. So, I understand your pov on the subject.

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 9:04:39 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
The Dominant involved has sent me an email. Has he done that to anyone else that posted on this thread?

Not I.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 10:15:29 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

The Dominant involved has sent me an email. Has he done that to anyone else that posted on this thread?


What was your impression of what he had to say?

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 40
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