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RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 10:15:40 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Maybe he is seeking coaching on what is proper or not.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

The Dominant involved has sent me an email. Has he done that to anyone else that posted on this thread?



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 10:20:48 AM   
Gauge


Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

The Dominant involved has sent me an email. Has he done that to anyone else that posted on this thread?


Nope. I said everything I needed to say in the thread and I won't discuss it with him outside the thread. If he wants to talk to us he should post here so he can say what he wants to say.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 10:25:47 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline 		OP, your concerns are your own business, and you should keep them foremost in your dealings with the world. The fact that two of you are divided on this topic of telling others, and he's seemingly not paying attention to your concerns, isn't reflecting well on him. No one needs to know what the two of you do except for the two of you. Him feeling like a secret and addressing that by trying to force your hand is infantile.

I had a Dominant in my life that seemed to be giving out busy work like rules and such because he thought that is what he was 'supposed' to do as a Dominant. Meh. It's not for me. I'd rather have someone that has me do something because it's important and meaningful. If he doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart, there is nothing wrong with keeping your own counsel and/or moving on down the line.

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 10:44:44 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

The Dominant involved has sent me an email. Has he done that to anyone else that posted on this thread?


What was your impression of what he had to say?


There wasn't one. He just sent an email saying that he wanted to talk to me.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Killerangel)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 11:16:13 AM   
Killerangel


Posts: 1169
Joined: 8/3/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl


quote:

ORIGINAL: Killerangel

What was your impression of what he had to say?


There wasn't one. He just sent an email saying that he wanted to talk to me.



Thanks for the answer.
Perhaps tell him, or we could all tell him, we'd love to be able to talk to him right here; he can join in at any time. It's always wonderful to have both sides of the story.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 8:31:05 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		It sounds to me as if he wants to be acknowledged in your relationship with him. He wants to be a part of it and he feels you're hiding him away from everyone. He probably also wants to teach you to stop thinking it matters what others think about your happiness. He probably feels you're embarrassed about being submissive to him and how you identify.

I would say you really need to ask yourself some tough questions and decide just how much you want him to be a part of your life. If you really don't want others to know about who he is towards you then you might want to reconsider a relationship with him.



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(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 8:40:26 PM   
Theredmusiclover


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline 		I don't get why anyone needed to know he was daddy. I don't know about your loved ones but mine aren't supportive of having a Dom. They didn't want to hear about it some even argued with me and told me I was nuts. I don't feel I can talk to them about it. Im not a sub whose gonna shove down your throat that I have a Dom. My kink is my own business. And i sure as hell wouldn't tell my work Im a submissive. Its not about being ashamed its about my right to keep private what I feel the need to. Im not going to disown my loved ones because they don't understand nor will I shove it in their face either.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 8:43:39 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		everyone knows I'm submissive because I'm a submissive personality so waiting on my partner is no big deal to them. Yeah they shake their heads and roll their eyes but they get over it, except my daughter who doesn't like it but ya know....it's my life and it doesn't matter what she thinks. If Master wanted me to call him "Master" around others, I personally would not have a problem with it. I'm comfortable in our relationship and who we are. But we also have been together for over 7 years.

It's just that when I hear these kinds of things it makes me wonder how comfortable people are in their skin.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 8:49:02 PM   
Theredmusiclover


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline 		Well first Im not comfortable with much considering im completely new. I don't even really know my submissive side yet. How exactly can I be comfortable when I don't even know who my sub side really is yet?

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 9:31:38 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

everyone knows I'm submissive because I'm a submissive personality so waiting on my partner is no big deal to them. Yeah they shake their heads and roll their eyes but they get over it, except my daughter who doesn't like it but ya know....it's my life and it doesn't matter what she thinks. If Master wanted me to call him "Master" around others, I personally would not have a problem with it. I'm comfortable in our relationship and who we are. But we also have been together for over 7 years.

It's just that when I hear these kinds of things it makes me wonder how comfortable people are in their skin.



People don't have to be open about their kink in order to be comfortable in their own skin. So it works for you to be openly submissive...yay for you. It may not work that way for others, and it's not necessarily a statement that those private people are unhealthy.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 9:38:44 PM   
Theredmusiclover


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline 		I agree with this. Someone may wonder if it's healthy to keep a secret about being a submissive, I just happen to think it's rude to shove it in someone's face and would like to keep it to myself from those that will judge me for it.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/7/2013 10:04:52 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		A person can be an acknowleged part of someones life without shoving a kink angle into things. If I am seeing someone they have a right to some sort of title when being introduced around, if they wish it. However, daddy, fuck buddy, guy who tickles my clit, or other indicators of what sort of sexuality they share is a bit over the top for most people.
Most reasonable people don't expect others to share in their sex life, even if they are very comfy in their skin.
Having done this stuff for over 3 decades I can say I rarely let observers in on the dynamics of my personal relationships. And trust me, I am very comfy in my skin.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

It sounds to me as if he wants to be acknowledged in your relationship with him. He wants to be a part of it and he feels you're hiding him away from everyone. He probably also wants to teach you to stop thinking it matters what others think about your happiness. He probably feels you're embarrassed about being submissive to him and how you identify.

I would say you really need to ask yourself some tough questions and decide just how much you want him to be a part of your life. If you really don't want others to know about who he is towards you then you might want to reconsider a relationship with him.





< Message edited by Missokyst -- 8/7/2013 10:05:22 PM >

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/8/2013 4:48:15 PM   
M8keumine


Posts: 6
Joined: 5/18/2013
From: glens falls ny
Status: offline 		We all need to remember that Dom/Dommes need to respect those that choose to serve us

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M8keumine

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/8/2013 8:45:12 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Theredmusiclover

I don't get why anyone needed to know he was daddy. I don't know about your loved ones but mine aren't supportive of having a Dom. They didn't want to hear about it some even argued with me and told me I was nuts. I don't feel I can talk to them about it. Im not a sub whose gonna shove down your throat that I have a Dom. My kink is my own business. And i sure as hell wouldn't tell my work Im a submissive. Its not about being ashamed its about my right to keep private what I feel the need to. Im not going to disown my loved ones because they don't understand nor will I shove it in their face either.



Can't say so for sure, but some people in general, including dominants, need reinforcement of who they are. In the BD/SM world in my experience, it shows in dominants who think it is a title everyone who isn't dominant should bow down to, or in this case, someone unsure who needs a sub to tell others who he is.....could be they feel self conscious and want to feel like their sub is proud to be theirs, and want it broadcast....

The real red flag to me is this guy not understanding that broadcasting your relationship as D/s is not about feeling ashamed of him, it is self preservation, it is about facing reality that many people are uncomfortable with it or don't want to know...and as much as I obviously think BD/SM is nothing to be ashamed of, I also tend to believe that there are things not worth forcing on others, that there is no reason to. It is different than, let's say, you are dating someone of another race and keep them from friends and family.......

You have every right to do what you did, and he blew it, and as I think Jeff said, the ball was in his court, he should realize what he did was over the top and try and make amends..and like Jeff, I believe personally that if I foul up, even if the relationship ends, I would want to make amends and especially make sure the other person knew I was to blame...him trying to put it on you, arguing you were the person doing the wrong thing, only raised more red flags to me..at the very least, if there was fault on both sides (which doesn't sound like it is in this case IMO), acknowledge his own part of it....

And with a child, you are smart to protect yourself, there just is too much to lose when it comes to kids, and you never know, you acted as a protective parent.

(in reply to Theredmusiclover)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/8/2013 8:49:53 PM   
njlauren


Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

everyone knows I'm submissive because I'm a submissive personality so waiting on my partner is no big deal to them. Yeah they shake their heads and roll their eyes but they get over it, except my daughter who doesn't like it but ya know....it's my life and it doesn't matter what she thinks. If Master wanted me to call him "Master" around others, I personally would not have a problem with it. I'm comfortable in our relationship and who we are. But we also have been together for over 7 years.

It's just that when I hear these kinds of things it makes me wonder how comfortable people are in their skin.



That's a little harsh, everyone has their own comfort level, safety level when it comes to being out about aspects of themselves. There are a variety of reasons why someone wouldn't want to be out, having a young kid or kids is especially a valid reason, knowing the shitheads who are out there in child protective services and the courts, if everyone was so open and liberal groups like the NCSF and the ACLU wouldn't be busy defending people from the very legal system that is supposed to protect them, not to mention employers and so forth. I know LGBT people who are perfectly comfortable in their skin, feel no shame, but have people they don't tell, family and such, because it isn't worth dealing with the crap they would have to deal with, it is about the other people more than themselves. There is a difference between being ashamed and being realistic. In your life circumstances, the most you face is people rolling their eyes, others might face real repurcussions.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/8/2013 8:54:25 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

OP, I keep my proclivities out of the business of others too. It's not out of shame for what it is I do, but rather to respect the sensitivities of those I know are the vanilla to which all vanilla gets compared. My partner is my partner/friend to those I know. Only one friend knows the true nature of what that connection entails...but only from what Im comfortable sharing from my perspective. We respect each other's privacy in both professional, friend, and family relationships.

It's totally within your right to share as much or as little of your life as YOU choose. He shouldn't make you go outside of what is clearly outside of your comfort zone. If he cannot respect you on this, can you honestly expect him to respect you on other areas you feel are your limits?

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 8/8/2013 8:56:18 PM >

(in reply to njlauren)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/8/2013 9:37:30 PM   
JustAMas


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/3/2013
Status: offline 		Good gravy, that has got to be the most insane thing I've ever heard... well unfortunately not the most insane, but you know... Why would anyone tell you to tell your private sexual life to your co-workers (good point about it being sexual harassment)? That guy must be completely detached from reality.

Oh and if you're the dom reading this... you're an asshat! LOL!

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/9/2013 7:49:09 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		I see the difference between everyone else's answers and mine.

I don't see this all as a kink. It's just who we are. It's how we live our lives with everyone...not just each other. He's a dominant personality. I'm a submissive personality. So because of those things, it's not a kink. It's not something I even think about or gets me wet or anything. It just is.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to JustAMas)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/9/2013 7:52:50 PM   
Theredmusiclover


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/24/2012
Status: offline 		Yes but to OTHER people it is a kink. That's the difference. It makes people uncomfortable that don't understand.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: forcing me to out myself... please need some input - 8/9/2013 8:21:51 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I don't see this all as a kink. It's just who we are. It's how we live our lives with everyone...not just each other. He's a dominant personality. I'm a submissive personality. So because of those things, it's not a kink. It's not something I even think about or gets me wet or anything. It just is.

Yeah, I always have that same feeling LW. I'm perfectly willing to explain... in detail... our authority dynamic. That has nothing to do with kink. Discussions about how we have sex is a different story.

And to Theredmusiclover:
Conveniently enough for me, I don't really care about other people's insecurities, hangups, narcissism, and just plain self-centeredness. So they can go ahead and be uncomfortable if they want. I also don't require everyone in the world to like me so they can choose to like me or not. But at least they are choosing that on the basis of the authentic me. I honestly cannot imagine what else the word "integrity" means than to be the same on the outside as your are in the inside.

My obligation to society is to obey the law not to submit to the least common denominator. Down that path lies insanity. No thanks.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 60
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