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Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 4:42:19 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline 		Does a Dom have total control over the sub's life if they are in love and living together? I'm not talking about bedroom, I'm talking about sub's school,getting a job, social life, house rules , house works ...?

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 4:44:10 PM   
deliriuminabox


Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline 		Some do. Some do not.

Those that do often call that sort of relationship a TPE meaning Total Power Exchange.

TPE is not for everyone. I've had it in the past and don't particularly want to have it ever again. But some people really love it and wouldn't want to live any other way.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 4:46:56 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		The answer is....it depends on what was agreed upon before entering the dynamic.

Some people keep their D/s to the bedroom or under set circumstances.

Master and I are in a TPE relationship. But, that doesn't mean that he controls everything single thing. It means he is the final decision in our relationship. What he does is delegate things to my control with the expectation that they'll be done. That said, he has never interfered with my jobs or career choices.


I'm also going to say that TPE isn't something that happens overnight. It takes a great deal of trust and that takes time to develop. Over time, Master proved to me that his decisions were good ones and his actions proved that he had my best interest at heart. So, gradually, over time, I knew I could feel comfortable giving him that control.



< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/7/2013 4:52:44 PM >

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 5:01:02 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		The Dom can certainly have that type of power, the sub agrees to having it be that way, it isn't just something that one or the other just decides on as it's a major undertaking and there has to be a shitload of trust in place.

I will say that I've never found anyone yet that I'd agree to have that type of arrangement with, not to say that I would be opposed to it if I met the right person, but I doubt someone that amazing is out there. Until then, I do a pretty damn good job of running my life.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 5:11:47 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		If he has proven his worth, treats the sub with respect, listens and responds to the partner in an honorable way, and has earned their trust, it COULD happen. It should not be a given, and it is not something to be given over lightly. In my last relationship, those things were never outside of my control. He did ask me to move to where he lived, but after several discussions about the logistics, we both realized it was impractical (based on my ability to get a job that would enhance my career and his visitation schedule with his son). We agreed to keep things as they were and revisit the issue three months later.

Frankly, Sheela, your fellow, if what you've said in other threads is accurate, assaults and rapes you, removed you from your support system, and is clearly in an unhealthy relationship with you. I'm loathe to give you any feedback besides get your personal life in order.

Good luck,
sunshine

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 5:30:05 PM   
JustAMas


Posts: 38
Joined: 8/3/2013
Status: offline 		Kind of off-topic, but it's definitely something that would make me feel uneasy...

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 6:06:34 PM   
TieMeInKnottss


Posts: 1944
Joined: 9/6/2012
Status: offline 		Here is the part I think you have missed..the sub or slave negotiates and the Dom or master is upfront about expectations.

My ex (& he was my first Dom) told me upfront he expected to have certain control over my everyday life-what I wore, where I went.. There were things he expected and so he brought them up immediately-they were deal breakers for him. I gave him my deal breakers-no interference with my kids or my work-directly or indirectly. We had established other common ground when we met so I won't go into all that but what I am getting at is that no matter WHAT you always have the right to say "no-not for me".

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 6:57:21 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Does a Dom have total control over the sub's life if they are in love and living together? I'm not talking about bedroom, I'm talking about sub's school,getting a job, social life, house rules , house works ...?


In our household he does. He has control...period.

But every relationship is different. It's something you have to talk to your partner and find out what it is you both want.


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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 7:38:25 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		We're in a TPE. However, all that means is that he can make any decision he chooses to. It doesn't mean he has to.
I can assure you that he doesn't stand over me telling me more pepper or less salt in the stew. He's more likely to say 'have it ready by 6:30'.

Since by now I know his tastes, I cater to them. Really, that's all he wants. That I don't do stuff I know he hates.

The other thing here is that he isn't an ass. He's a good person who thinks first about what will be the consequences to me of any rule he makes. He doesn't want to separate me from my kids, or my elderly father. He doesn't want me to be afraid of him. He wants me to turn first to him to share everything, good and bad. So he does things that make me trust him enough to do so.

And he didn't demand total control on the first date. He slowly took over things that he decided I wasn't doing very well or that caused me too much anxiety. His intentions have always been to make things better for me, because he loves me.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 8:05:24 PM   
tommonymous


Posts: 404
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline 		As has been said: Sometimes the dominant partner does make all the decisions, sometimes they don't.

What hasn't been said explicitly is that, at least initially and often for a long time, the sub is actually the partner who is responsible for setting boundaries and limits. The dominant partner's job in the beginning is to learn everything he or she can in order to help the submissive partner, and their relationship, flourish.

If the submissive partner realizes that the dominant partner isn't helping them to grow as a person, or satisfy their needs in a relationship, the submissive partner has the option of walking away. A submissive can always leave a dominant that's not providing appropriate care for the submissive or the relationship.

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"Remember kids. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all." --Hillwilliam

And just because it worked for you, doesn't mean it will (or ought to) work for everyone.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 8:28:04 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		I hope you're getting the idea that there are no hard and fast rules for anything to do with BDSM or D/s. Things can be whatever the two people involved say they are to be. If anyone ever tells you that there are certain things expected on either side just because, feel free to laugh in their face and leave. Only inexperienced, selfish, people try that crap. BDSM is at the core of things a consensual agreement between two people. Anyone circumventing the consensuality at the core of kink is an asshat. Experienced, knowledgeable people would be getting input on activities and making sure everyone is happy, not simply using others for personal gratification - unless that is the agreement.

There are no rules, there aren't standard expectations, there is no measure of trueness, there isn't anything that everyone does. People in this lifestyle communicate what they wish to have, and what they are willing to do, and they go from there.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 8:51:18 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		There's no rulebook. Both of you owe it to yourselves, each other, and the relationship to keep communicating about what works and what doesn't, especially since you're new.

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"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 9:10:09 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22
Does a Dom have total control over the sub's life if they are in love and living together? I'm not talking about bedroom, I'm talking about sub's school,getting a job, social life, house rules , house works ...?

Carol and I have such a relationship. But you need to understand that we had been happily married vanilla for 10 years before that even came up. There were mountains trust, respect, and love to work with. We'd been making "anything" bets for at least 2 years prior to that. "Anything" means loser does anything. Well, that would include becoming my slave, eh? I only point this out to say we'd already been exhibiting signs of the needed levels of trust even as we were vanilla. Honestly, the transition took some time but it wasn't really that hard because of all I've mentioned.

Just to make it clear how deep that trust is, we continue to make anything bets and Carol is currently up one. Yes, she could, if she chose, tell me that I'm the slave. I would absolutely honor that. That isn't going to happen. I trust that. She trusts me -- to the tune of "anything". That is the only reason this works for us.

My general understanding is that the vast majority of couples prefer various forms of partial control and authority. I'm not an expert but I think the couples like Carol and I are in the severe minority. It's also my general observation that an awful lot of couples that try it don't succeed. Remember that whole thing about absolute power corrupting absolutely? Yeah... that.

Should you do this with the guy who's already shown he has no regard for you at all? I sure as heck wouldn't.

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I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 9:17:46 PM   
getoutnow


Posts: 151
Joined: 8/5/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Does a Dom have total control over the sub's life if they are in love and living together? I'm not talking about bedroom, I'm talking about sub's school,getting a job, social life, house rules , house works ...?



For a Dom to have total control over a Sub, he needs to have total control over himself.

Judging by your posts, your Dom doesn't even have any control in any part of his life. He's a little boy who can't even look after himself.

I suggest you start making some real decisions before you end up being a single mom with a prat for a dad and wondering when your life passed you by!

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 9:26:01 PM   
Sheela22


Posts: 199
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: getoutnow


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Does a Dom have total control over the sub's life if they are in love and living together? I'm not talking about bedroom, I'm talking about sub's school,getting a job, social life, house rules , house works ...?



For a Dom to have total control over a Sub, he needs to have total control over himself.

Judging by your posts, your Dom doesn't even have any control in any part of his life. He's a little boy who can't even look after himself.

I suggest you start making some real decisions before you end up being a single mom with a prat for a dad and wondering when your life passed you by!

Well he already has total control ( ie: who I should talk, or im not allowed to have friends over, or housework is 100% on me (im a clean freak so that part is fine :P) ). The reason I posted this question was to see how it works for others. Now that he agreed to talk things over I'm hoping to revoke some of his privileges lol

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/7/2013 10:12:47 PM   
TheHeretic


Posts: 19100
Joined: 3/25/2007
From: California, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

I hope you're getting the idea that there are no hard and fast rules for anything to do with BDSM or D/s. Things can be whatever the two people involved say they are to be. If anyone ever tells you that there are certain things expected on either side just because, feel free to laugh in their face and leave. Only inexperienced, selfish, people try that crap. BDSM is at the core of things a consensual agreement between two people. Anyone circumventing the consensuality at the core of kink is an asshat. Experienced, knowledgeable people would be getting input on activities and making sure everyone is happy, not simply using others for personal gratification - unless that is the agreement.

There are no rules, there aren't standard expectations, there is no measure of trueness, there isn't anything that everyone does. People in this lifestyle communicate what they wish to have, and what they are willing to do, and they go from there.



Beautifully said, and heartily agreed with!

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That's why people with no sense of humor have such an inflated sense of self-importance.


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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 12:02:05 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22


Well he already has total control ( ie: who I should talk, or im not allowed to have friends over, or housework is 100% on me (im a clean freak so that part is fine :P) ). The reason I posted this question was to see how it works for others. Now that he agreed to talk things over I'm hoping to revoke some of his privileges lol


My Master loves me. He makes 'outside the bedroom' decisions based on his desire to make the one he loves happy. So he won't interfere with work in any way. He won't restrict my time with family, particularly as my mum is fairly newly widowed. He won't interfere with how I look after my elderly dogs. He makes sure that stuff he expects me to do after work and at weekends doesn't exhaust me to the point that my work and family relationships suffer. He's more than happy to help with housework, although we both prefer that he does the heavy work (mowing the lawn, doing various DIY tasks).

Did I mention that Master loves me? He makes 'inside the bedroom' decisions based on his desire for me. He will hurt me, mark me, make me scream and cry, secure in the knowledge that after 3 years together he knows how to 'read' my body and my reactions. He knows that I will cherish the marks he makes and often beg him for more.

And because he loves me, he will always use lube unless I ask him not to.

Ain't love grand?

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 2:48:32 AM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
Status: offline 		the agreement with us is I do what he says within reason. Not being able to have friends and family, a job my choice where I wanted to go to school would not be within reason.

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 8:15:24 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Well he already has total control ( ie: who I should talk, or im not allowed to have friends over, or housework is 100% on me (im a clean freak so that part is fine :P) ). The reason I posted this question was to see how it works for others. Now that he agreed to talk things over I'm hoping to revoke some of his privileges lol


The red part is a red flag. Controlling your contact with other people is one of the first things that an abuser will do. There have been very few times in the 13 years that we've been together that Master has restricted who I can talk to, and it's usually been because the person I was dealing with was toxic.

That last bolded part: What you have missed over and over again in the above posts. All of us negotiated, as in both sides have input, what we want and need out of the relationship. Once side did not decide the entirety of the relationship. The fact that you HOPE that you get somethings back makes me very wary.




_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Dom/sub relationship outside of bedroom - 8/8/2013 8:17:59 AM   
dollenburg


Posts: 63
Joined: 10/27/2007
Status: offline 		This whole Dom/sub thing is a game, that we humans play to whatever rules we agree to. The two of you decide the rules. As long at the government doesn't disagree, you're good to go.

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