RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why?

RE: What do *YOU* think about cheaters? And why? (Full Version)

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ChatteParfaitt -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 11:23:07 AM)
Thank you for bringing your view into this lively discussion !! quote: ORIGINAL: Reform (snipped) Cheating was the best thing I ever did for myself. Yes it was wrong, and low, but it was a choice I made for myself in a situation that had left me with little choice. I really do think it was a great choice and experience for me at the time.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 11:27:59 AM)
Great post as always, Roch. And I agree, it's not about monogamy, b/c really the issues involved have much less to do with sex, and much more to do with the dishonesty involved. I like the way you stated this, since it's how I see it as well: What's NOT fine (IMO) is when one party essentially terminates the relationship (by cheating) without having the integrity to tell the other partner. As for cheating and giving your partner HIV, wow, that's a double whammy. That's caring so little about the other person you don't protect them, and being so dishonest you don't allow them to protect themselves.

Hillwilliam -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 11:30:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: evesgrden As for judging people's dirty laundry, if I come to a public forum and say "here's my dirty laundry.. how can I make people think it's clean without soap and water" I need to expect that some folks are gonna say "get of yer ass and just do the frigging laundry.. you're stinking up the joint". That's a heck of an excellent way to put it. One must realize, though, that you can say "Yo, just take your clothes, put em in the machine with soap and turn it on". You don't have to add "Because you're obviously a filthy, stinking son of a bitch who will never amount to anything because you're incompetent and don't want to be better". I'm afraid that has happened on these forums many times over the years. ETA. You were not one of the ones who did that. Most of that was in the first 3 pages.

KnightofMists -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 11:31:31 AM)
Cheating is a person's response in a given situation that reflects their character. It easy to do the right things when it's all peaches and cream. But when the road gets alittle rough that is when people's deeper character flaws and/or strengths come out. I will not condemn these individuals outright for even the moral man commits immoral acts from time to time. But no matter how one rationalizes or justifies the act it is not and never will be moral or ethics one in my view. In the end, I believe the moral or ethical person will own their actions good or bad. The person lacking of character will for seek to justify or excuse their actions. If they persist in justifiyng their actions I would find them lacking of any kind of character and avoid them. I would add, cheating is not the only act or way to show questionable strength of character. But is definitely one that draws incredible attention.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 11:42:59 AM)
I've known people who were in poly type relationships who cheated - so I don't think monogamy is the issue. A person's character is the issue. Some choose to meet their needs/desires dishonestly. I choose to find that something I don't condone.

ResidentSadist -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 11:45:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt . . . lie by omission . . . [because] . . . are very unhappy, but you don't have the guts to own up to it. Yuppers, that is how I see it too. However, there are those who think that my view is immature and overly romantic. They like OPP (other people's property) and believe that there is less bullshit, less maintenance and more sincerity between two people honest enough to act on their forbidden desires to actually cheat with each other. They feel it is MORE dominant and/or submissive to stand up and act on your feelings than to deny them. One Dom says "I am not like other wussy Doms that don't take forbidden pleasures for the sake of fidelity." To the mono Doms he says "don't be pussy whipped, do what you want with who you want and just don't tell the slave". This is where my comprehension level of them and their monogamy ends (I have been poly since my teens). I also spare you the wall of text about poly vs mono vs self awareness and leave you with something my father said. He said, "son, never fall in love with a married woman . . . she cheats on her husband and can't be trusted". Love aside from this issue, trust is important in my sex life because of the activities I like and are required for me to be interested in a partner. For others, maybe activities with limited contact and condoms is satisfying enough and trust isn't an important factor in finding lovers. I still see them as poly, but they lie about their poly feelings to themselves and to others. I think they lie because they are lazy little shits and having an honest poly is far too much work or beyond their relationship skill set.

evesgrden -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 12:13:20 PM)
quote: This was a wonderful post! Glad you liked it :)

NuevaVida -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 12:29:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OsideGirl I truly think that when you cheat, you're saying that your orgasm is more important than the well being of the person that you've made a vow to. I'll start by saying I cheated on my abusive ex husband and it had nothing at all to do with an orgasm. I don't support or condone cheating, but I understand why it happens. Because of the strength and self love I've come to know, as well as my vow to myself to live an honest life, I will not ever cheat again. But I was in a much different emotionally fucked up place back then, and I did. So to answer the OP, what do I think of cheaters? I think they are trying to mask their unhappiness, and I hope they figure things out and stop hurting others as well as themselves. Haven't read the thread past this point but that comment stood out to me and I wanted to post to it. My former cheating had nothing to do with orgasms and everything to do with a very poor attempt to fill a very big gap within myself. Consequently, cheating only made that gap bigger.

kalikshama -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 12:34:01 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam quote: ORIGINAL: evesgrden As for judging people's dirty laundry, if I come to a public forum and say "here's my dirty laundry.. how can I make people think it's clean without soap and water" I need to expect that some folks are gonna say "get of yer ass and just do the frigging laundry.. you're stinking up the joint". That's a heck of an excellent way to put it. One must realize, though, that you can say "Yo, just take your clothes, put em in the machine with soap and turn it on". You don't have to add "Because you're obviously a filthy, stinking son of a bitch who will never amount to anything because you're incompetent and don't want to be better". I'm afraid that has happened on these forums many times over the years. ETA. You were not one of the ones who did that. Most of that was in the first 3 pages. Agreed. This is something I strive to avoid and if I fail, please call me on it.

LadyPact -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 12:37:19 PM)
Fast reply/off topic. It's a shame that questions regarding ethics in relationships aren't considered BDSM material. Chatte, I do think that you made a good attempt at discussing the subject without using a specific person so that there wouldn't be any attacks. I wonder if the Mods would consider allowing you to edit the OP, or start a new one, in order for people to apply it to their authority dynamics and/or relationships. Maybe that would keep it on the main board.

Hillwilliam -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 12:37:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama Agreed. This is something I strive to avoid and if I fail, please call me on it. I called about half the regulars on that other thread on it and I've been paying ever since.[8D]

OsideGirl -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 12:41:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam quote: ORIGINAL: kalikshama Agreed. This is something I strive to avoid and if I fail, please call me on it. I called about half the regulars on that other thread on it and I've been paying ever since.[8D] I'm probably guilty of it as well. But, in my defense, I suggested that he work on his marriage before trying to get his wife to agree to him getting a BDSM themed GF.

cloudboy -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 12:57:48 PM)
Aakasha was dead on with each of her posts. Now I must confess, I cheated. I told myself I would stay away from this thread after one post -- but A's posts were so utterly perfect that I had to throw my own two cents of support behind them. Other topics we might consider: What do you think about burglars? You know, people who break into others' homes, not their own, to steal stuff? What do you think about illegal aliens, you know, people who cross the border and enter the USA without permission, or who overstay their visas and don't leave when they're supposed to? What do you think about arsonists? You know, guys who set shit on fire either for kicks or to collect the insurance money? What do you think about trolls, budd-in-skys, liars, squatters, vulture capitalists, busy-bodies, terrorists, scam-artists, prostitutes, gold-diggers, absentee fathers who fail to pay child support, or drivers who blast their music too loud? Should we add findom's to this list, or would that be unfairly bigoted? Yes, while we're at it, let's talk about something I am doing right and other people are doing wrong so I can feel even better about myself, all under the guise of defending honor, love, truth, fidelity, and the poor innocent victims of love gone menacingly and unfairly astray. God, it's a shame we can't talk about general ethics on the BDSM board.... While we're at it, let's burn a Don Draper doll in effigy to salute the cause of real love, family values, marriage, and the wholesome, true American way.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 1:45:37 PM)
I agree, it is a shame if people think that questions regarding ethics in relationships aren't BDSM material. In my mind they are, and more than one person has framed their reply (Roch and RS come to mind) within the context of a poly relationship. So far we've done a great job of discussing this subject without getting all judgmental, with a few exceptions that I feel free to ignore.

Sheela22 -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 1:48:49 PM)
My ex cheated on me ( later I found out with many girls) and it crushed me. For a long time, I was blaming myself for it. I thought I was not good enough for him hence he slept with other people. What really hurt me the most was the fact that he lied to me. If he had dignity to to break up with me first I would have left peacefully! hell, if he was at least honest with me, I would have consider it (again ! under right circumstances, not just sleeping with random people). To me the lying part hurt more than the act it self.. ETA: I don't think it has to do with monogamy or poly. Its about honesty . I bet if the Dom starts sleeping around behind the subs back, they will be devastated too

NotTellingUAgain -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 1:52:04 PM)
As the great Ricky Scaggs sang DON'T CHEAT IN OUR HOMETOWN

evesgrden -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 2:01:35 PM)
quote: Other topics we might consider: .....Are ones which come up in bdsm relationships. Infidelity happens to be one of those topics. Why is it harmful? well .. that's been part of many a discussion. There are dominants who believe that they don't have to tell their submissives who they screw. For some, that's part of the relationship dynamic, for others it's the kiss of death because it's.... cheating. If you can find me posts where people talk about burglary, child abuse, loud music, being a venture capitalist, or terrorism as part of the bdsm dynamic or has been the ruin of an intimate relationship for people here defining themselves as d/s, you're right. We should include those topics. But I just haven't seen the "I can't get my wife to wear a strapon bomb on the school bus" thread. "She said she'd obey, are we done because she said NO, or do I just restrain her and put it on her anyway?" Haven't seen the one where findommes complain that their piggies just don't steal diamonds from Tiffany's like the used to. Good burglars are SO hard to come by these days..... If you and Akasha want to talk CBT, face sitting and strapons... by all means do so. I can't see a reason why anyone would stop you.

kiwisub12 -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 2:09:47 PM)
Many many years ago, I had a relationship with a married man. I figured it was a victimless crime - and eventually realized that I was wrong. It was hurting his wife - because I was taking attention that she should have been getting. Even if he wouldn't have given it to her, he could have. So I bowed out. Around the same time, I was kicking around with a bunch of Irish women, who regularly had visitors from Ireland. One day it was two men, and we all went out drinking. One of the guys ended up sleeping with one of the women. He was a Catholic priest -and I was SHOCKED. He and his mate specifically came to America to have sex, because they didn't want to get caught in Ireland. Because of these two experiences I realized that (in my mind) people needed to keep their promises, and especially in important relationships (like, a spouse, or God). And if you really can't keep your vows, you need to get out of the relationship - because you can't have your cake and eat it too. It hurts too many people - even if they don't know they are being hurt. Yes, you may lose a lot, and hurt people, but in the end your personal integrity is intact, and that counts for a lot.

wiermen -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 2:44:25 PM)
Crikey! You lot don't half take some air up! Lying, cheating, subterfuge etc etc is all part of human nature. An awful lot of people get their sexual kicks out of living double lives and looking at their spouses, you sometimes could not blame them! That's my threepence worth! Not being judgmental...........................................................................................................................

needlesandpins -> RE: What do YOU* think about cheaters? And why?* (8/16/2013 2:54:59 PM)
I've mentioned before that my biggest regret is from when I was 18 and was seeing a married man. I was flattered by the attention of a 31yr old guy. He left his wife, but not for me as the marriage was on the rocks anyway. However I did move in with him to get away from home. After we went our separate ways I felt awful for what I'd done. All these years later it twists my stomach to think of what his wife went through and I wish I could take it back. I am seriously ashamed of myself for that. I wasn't the one cheating, but I enabled him to do it to her. Having been cheated on I can say that it wasn't just about the sex that bothered me. It was the lies and deceit that really got me. I was devastated but did try and sort things out with him. The way I felt though was still awful. I was suspicious about everything, and still felt miserable. In the end I found out he was still cheating. That was it, no going back as my love died instantly that I had the proof. Nothing was ever going to make it right. You don't have to be in a relationship to cheat either. If you give your word on something, but then choose to break it then it usually involves lies and deceit. It still feels just as shit as being in a relationship. As someone else said the lies rob you of being able to make informed choices. You don't have the right to decide what is better for the other person involved. It shows a lack of respect for the person you are cheating on. How can you do something for some cheap empty gratification knowing how devastated the other person will be? Does the other person mean so little to you that it's worth them feeling that pain for your cheap bit on the side? My ex saw how he tore me apart the first time but thought that his cheap piece of shit was worth the pain he knew i'd feel. Then the cunt had the cheek to tell me he loved me and wanted me back. yeah right. you love me, but not enough to be loyal, honest or faithful. fuck right off. needles

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