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Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 9:10:13 AM

LatinDomTX

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/7/2013
Status: offline

I'm kinda new to this board and sending from mobile so please pardon any typos or whatever. So basically I met someone offline who has what I call submissive desires. She doesn't have any experiences whatsoever with anyone just always had lingering thoughts never met anyone to fulfill. Etc. I've never really dealt with a complete beginner before. My first sub had prior experience even when I myself was the beginner. So the last thing I want to do is the first play date, session or whatever you want to call it is overwhelm her. If I were to introduce her to several things and her not really care much for any of them then it's probably going to end before it gets started. So any suggestions?

Post #: 1

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 9:17:50 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

So the last thing I want to do is the first play date, session or whatever you want to call it is overwhelm her.

Oh contraire! Overwhelm her since experience taught me that overwhelming is exactly what submissive look for outside a vanilla guy! Overwhelm her and leave her begging for more! Serious.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to LatinDomTX)

Post #: 2

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 9:19:07 AM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
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First and foremost, you don't "Break IN" a submissive. You teach them.
"Breaking" is a term used frequently by Keyboard Doms who never get closer to a sub than their mom's basement.

Your first date doesn't need to even get to be a playdate. Just make it a get to know you date without any kink.
When she is comfortable, talk to her. Find out what she likes and more importantly, what she doesn't like. Then find out what's on her "OH hell NO list" (limits).
Limits are something that you shouldn't push until you know the person very well and a lot of times not even then LOL.
Heck, ideally her limits should coincide more or less with yours.
First play session, start out easy with things you both like. That's where the communication comes in.

I mean, wouldn't it be silly if you were studying shibari and she was a full blown rope bunny but you decided the first play date would be about spanking because you didn't want to freak her out with 100 yards of multicolored ropes?

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to LatinDomTX)

Post #: 3

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 9:19:55 AM

punisher440

Posts: 4122
Joined: 4/10/2011
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I'm sure others will post other ideas but in my opinion you first need to sit down face to face and talk....get to know each other,discuss fetishes and limits before breaking out the ropes,cuffs and other things. Talk over the things you want to try, see if it fits with what she seeks. Whatever you do, don't push too hard too fast starting out, save that for once you know each other better so you won't over do it. I know some s-types like you pushing them while others do not, so the key here is finding out what makes the other tick and then move forward.

_____________________________

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(in reply to LatinDomTX)

Post #: 4

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 9:29:20 AM

deliriuminabox

Posts: 135
Joined: 2/25/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

So the last thing I want to do is the first play date, session or whatever you want to call it is overwhelm her.

Oh contraire! Overwhelm her since experience taught me that overwhelming is exactly what submissive look for outside a vanilla guy! Overwhelm her and leave her begging for more! Serious.

Or, you know, leave her traumatized and broken and unwilling to scene with you (or perhaps anyone else) ever again because you didn't know her well enough to realize you were triggering a subconscious mine field. Serious.

Hill and Punisher gave much more reasonable advice, imo.

Lay the groundwork. Discuss things with her. Wait and see if she shows an active interest in some particular fetish. You can always build and push and explore more later. Plenty of time to "overwhelm her and leave her begging for more" once you've established that she can trust you not to maim or kill her once she's helpless.

_____________________________

“Some of the most wonderful people are the ones who don't fit into boxes.” ~Tori Amos

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 5

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 9:42:05 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: deliriuminabox

Or, you know, leave her traumatized and broken and unwilling to scene with you (or perhaps anyone else) ever again because you didn't know her well enough to realize you were triggering a subconscious mine field. Serious.

^^This. Hilly and Punisher are correct. Start slow. Get to know each other. Talk about allergies, health issues and phobias. Play when she is ready, not when you are ready. And when you do, make sure she has a a safe word. In fact for a complete novice, I recommend the red/yellow/green method.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to deliriuminabox)

Post #: 6

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 10:42:13 AM

VideoAdminChi

Posts: 3086
Joined: 8/6/2012
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FR,

Several posts were removed. Please do not make other posters the topic.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 10:52:20 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

Or, you know, leave her traumatized and broken and unwilling to scene with you

Or, you know, overwhelmed as opposed to underwhelmed.

quote:

Hill and Punisher gave much more reasonable advice, imo

But "I have the girl".

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to deliriuminabox)

Post #: 8

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 10:55:27 AM

LatinDomTX

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/7/2013
Status: offline

Thanks for all the responses everyone. I guess I didn't put as many details as needed. As I said we didn't meet online. We have had a few meetings not a play date or anything just getting to know each other. We don't only discuss this lifestyle but other aspects as well. I've gotten a few oh hell no don't do that to me. but just bits and pieces. She's mentioned she wants to get into play mode soon. I think it's important to set boundaries, safe words etc. she's eager but don't want that to backfire.

To the guy who said just overwhelm her wow I'm not one to put down Someone else's ideas but that sounds extremely unhealthy

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 9

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 10:58:26 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: deliriuminabox

Or, you know, leave her traumatized and broken and unwilling to scene with you (or perhaps anyone else) ever again because you didn't know her well enough to realize you were triggering a subconscious mine field. Serious.

^^This. Hilly and Punisher are correct. Start slow. Get to know each other. Talk about allergies, health issues and phobias. Play when she is ready, not when you are ready. And when you do, make sure she has a a safe word. In fact for a complete novice, I recommend the red/yellow/green method.

Disagree. I assume you know her already, right? Forum advice always goes textbook but textbook we are not, right? Right.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 10

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:02:28 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

If you say she has submissive desires, why not talk to her and find out what those things are so you know what she would like to try? Start small and work your way up. When you were trying things out for your first time, you probably started easy and escalated from there. Let her have the same opportunity.

If she doesn't know what she'd like to try, you could always look at a BDSM checklist and ask her direct questions about some activities that you would consider on the lighter side. A bit of bondage, maybe some spanking, a first experience with a blindfold. Work with sensations that aren't balls to the wall pain. Just simple stuff.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LatinDomTX)

Post #: 11

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:05:26 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

To the guy who said just overwhelm her wow I'm not one to put down Someone else's ideas but that sounds extremely unhealthy

That's fine. But how does showing her how you are a real Dom by overwhelming her with your knowledge, mastery of yourself, expertise in kink tools toys and methods leave a sub broken, or unhealthy? It does not of course and Doms are by definition overwhelming and Doms do know how to find out their sub's limits and explore them with her, so be Dominate or instead be not and post soft hesitant messages on the forum. Good luck.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to LatinDomTX)

Post #: 12

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:10:26 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

First and foremost, you don't "Break IN" a submissive. You teach them.
"Breaking" is a term used frequently by Keyboard Doms who never get closer to a sub than their mom's basement.

You don't teach anyone, you explore their and your desires with them in a dominate leadership role. "Teach" is used on the other side by, well, you know.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 13

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:15:49 AM

AthenaSurrenders

Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline

FR

The first time will feel amazing and intense even if you stick to relatively light activities. Get some ideas about what she likes - cuffed to the bed? Blindfolded? Spanking? Stick to the activities she agrees to, but don't tell her which things you'll be doing or when. Give her a safeword and makes sure she understands that you will not be in any way disappointed or mad if she has to use it, you'll be pleased that she let you know she needed to stop. Watch her closely and check in that she's ok, in case she gets floaty and forgets about safewording.

A kinky fantasy which involves heavy bondage and hours of beatings doesn't compare to a much gentler play with a real-live person. The chemistry, the novelty, the apprehension. As long as you are trying and she trusts you, you don't need to have to pull out all the stops. Chances are it will be amazing and overwhelmingly good just the same.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:18:18 AM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

Your first date doesn't need to even get to be a playdate. Just make it a get to know you date without any kink.

If her kids are with her, but if not, remember she is not here for vanilla. So, for example, with star her kids were in tow on the first date and it was as vanilla as could be with dinner and ice cream (no lie, I like ice cream) and a good night kiss. With another, a school teacher, I had her eating her lunch a bite at a time out of my hand, starting to "explore" her limits (no "teaching" either way! Hey!) and her desires.

Hey, you know what, you want textbook or you want experience?

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 15

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:20:34 AM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

First and foremost, you don't "Break IN" a submissive. You teach them.
"Breaking" is a term used frequently by Keyboard Doms who never get closer to a sub than their mom's basement.

You don't teach anyone, you explore their and your desires with them in a dominate leadership role. "Teach" is used on the other side by, well, you know.

One who has never learned would obviously believe that people cannot be taught..

Tell those who present at events and those who attend the classes that they aren't teaching.
Did you not TEACH your sub your preferences in food, how the home should be arranged and what you enjoy?
Maybe you just beat her until she figured it out on her own.

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 16

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:21:01 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

so be Dominate or instead be not

quote:

in a dominate leadership role.

For the love of God...it's "dominant". Dominate is a verb.

OP, I'll give you something to think about: The women that have replied here are all sub females. We're giving you our point of view and ultimately we're your target audience.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 17

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:27:22 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
OP, I'll give you something to think about: The women that have replied here are all sub females. We're giving you our point of view and ultimately we're your target audience.

One exception.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 18

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:29:28 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
OP, I'll give you something to think about: The women that have replied here are all sub females. We're giving you our point of view and ultimately we're your target audience.

One exception.

Oops, sorry LP!

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 19

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/20/2013 11:44:28 AM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

OP, you sound smart enough not to listen to the bad advice about overwhelming your friend.

When I met some dominant men in the past, sometimes the smallest gesture was enough to trigger something.

One time, I met someone for a first date, dinner. We talked about everything BUT D/s.

He did small things at dinner, like take my wrist and just hold it.

When we left, he kissed me at my car and just held my hair really hard and pulled it slightly.

While I did not know if I felt chemistry at dinner, I started to feel it then because he was using finesse instead of outright "on your knees bitch", which came much later once I got to know him.

Now, I was an experienced sub, but this advice applies since you are always a new sub to someone new.

Sometimes, being dominant is a whisper rather than yelling.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/20/2013 11:45:50 AM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 20

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