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RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/21/2013 6:50:04 AM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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I didn't meet his kid until 3-4 months after we started seeing each other, and knew we were serious about each other. We felt anything short of that would not be fair to her. If he had brought her on our first dare I'd have been unimpressed - first by his parenting decision and second because I wanted a date, not a family dinner. Totally separate event.

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(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 41

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/21/2013 10:29:57 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne51

It would seem to me that if you had over 10 yrs experience, like your profile states, you might have acquired enough COMMON SENSE to not have to ask such a question.

I've got around 19 years of experience and have NO problem asking questions if I need to ask them. What of it? Having years of experience does not magically render you all-knowing and immune to the need to ask questions.

OP, since she is new...take it slow with her. Patience and communication are your best tools tools to use. Im a big fan of the checklist to get an idea of where to start. People reading skills are vital here. Pay attention to her...not only what she says with her words, but also what she says with her body. Not knowing her or you, I can't give a standard one size fits all answer hat will work. Trust your gut.

P.S. shock and awe über "Dominate" style is ridiculously bad advice. You sound like you knew that already

.

(in reply to LeatherBentOne51)

Post #: 42

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/21/2013 5:50:22 PM

NiceButMeanGirl

Posts: 2756
Joined: 11/4/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

OP,

I have a little over a year and a half experience on the D side of the slash(a lot less than most on here), including while I was switching still. Even I know to not just barge ahead and overwhelm them. I remember when I was sub myself, the ones who would overwhelm me would scare the hell out of me and I'd be high-tailing it in the other direction. If you hope to have someone submit, you need to create a safe space for her to do it in once she gets to know you. If you don't, you could just scare her away.

Right now, I''m just getting to know a total newbie who wants to be my submissive. I'm going slow with him, getting to know him and, just now, we are talking about kink, what he would like to try and what he definitely knows he would not be okay with. Right now, he feels safe with me and, if I had just barged right into it with both barrels, he'd have bolted in the other direction never to be heard from again.

What some D types don't seem to realize, especially the ones who are for "overwhelming," are submissives are in a very vulnerable position and newbie subs feel even moreso. If you take it easy with someone and help her/him discover the wonders of D/s and BDSM, s/he may remember you fondly, even if s/he doesn't stay with you long. If you just barge in and scare her/him half to death, s/he will bolt like a scared bunny and look back on it thinking "What an asshole!!"

NBMG

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(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 43

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 6:44:39 AM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

I'm sure all of this is great advice for others.

For me, I like a guy to go for it. Too much talking and planning bores me. Give her a few little activities and see if she likes them. Gentle stuff - maybe get her to write you something about what she is hoping for, get her to go to sleep in a particular way, or say your name before she sleeps, or eat something specific for dinner. See how she reacts and just go with the flow. If she likes it and wants more, it'll be obvious. She'll probably think about it and want to talk about it with you, all good. The basic thing is to see if she likes being told what to do (by you) and see if she's willing to do anything a bit uncomfortable to please you.

(in reply to LatinDomTX)

Post #: 44

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 7:25:23 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

Being 'forum women' doesn't take away from the fact that several of the people responding are submissives in successful long-term relationships. I don't know why you would assume that your dom-experience is worth more than their sub-experience.

Minor derail: Who brings children on a first date?!

Because it is from a Dom's perspective for a Dom. When engaged with a Dom what submissives perceive is happening is under his control, not yours, and your perception is also controlled by Him, therefore your well intentioned "advice" is interesting but not to be taken seriously by a Dom.

Who brings children on the first date? I know of one; The very beautiful and intelligent submissive, tammystarm, after asking me if it was alright and of course, I enjoyed meeting the children of one who would soon share my life. I learned a long time ago that dating single mothers means you are developing a relationship with the children also and so I decided seeing them on the first date was not such a bad idea and I was right and richer for it.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)

Post #: 45

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 7:28:55 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

You have to watch the forum posters, they like to spell check and correct the use of words. It is amusing.

The only one to reply here other than forum women how hang out here about most of their time is a successful Dom with actual experience. Think about it.

Yes OP, think about the fact that not one person on this thread including yourself thinks it's a good idea to overwhelm this woman with Domliness. Also think about the fact that success and experience in one's kinky life is very subjective to the one who is living it - what is a measure of success? What constitutes experience? Certainly not everyone would find the same meanings to be a universal standard.

Sometimes people make spelling mistakes and they're rather run of the mill; when the mistakes become funny is when it's something that the writer professes to be....that IS amusing!

I'm not impressed that not one other person feels you must be a Dom when meeting a submissive looking for a Dom.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 46

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 7:33:40 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

I'd go straight for her mind.
If you think she's getting off on it, then slowly and confidently grab her by the hair and slowly pull her face to yours.

OMG!!! The hair pulling always sends me over the edge!! Call me easy, but had I been around in caveman days..I would constantly just be running from the cave so I could be dragged back..

OK...now back to the regularly scheduled program!!

I understand. It's interesting that all, all of the submissive women I've met all responded positively to the hair pulling, it really is a touch and not something like a caveman might do when dragging a woman around. It would be good perhaps if you actually met a Dom who does pull hair well and with purpose. You might as star what she thinks and why. Or not.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to TieMeInKnottss)

Post #: 47

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 7:37:28 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Take it from a sub who was overwhelmed by her Dom , ended up bleeding an ran away from him , DON"T RUSH IN TO STUFF! TAKE YOUR TIME EXPLORING HERS & YOURS DESIRES... and COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE!! I was madly in love with him but ended up leaving him..go figure which side is right

Someone apparently wants to paint a picture of someone beating and even raping a submissive in the process of "overwhelming". Such a picture is a complete distortion painted with personal agenda and ignorance. A woman is overwhelmed not physically but in other ways by a Dom. Of course.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to Sheela22)

Post #: 48

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 7:48:53 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

Tell those who present at events and those who attend the classes that they aren't teaching.
Did you not TEACH your sub your preferences in food, how the home should be arranged and what you enjoy?
Maybe you just beat her until she figured it out on her own.

It's obvious you think this is clever but it is just plain wrong.

If you actually attended events as you so cleverly worked into this discussion, you would know that events don't teach submissive women and men. They teach Doms. The only class presented at the Mark for a submissive female was pole dancing. Now, there are events targeted toward Doms that involve submissive males or females but I assure you they are not taught to be tied up or taught to be flogged or taught to be hot waxed, instead the Dom is trained.

Now, on the second part, no, I don't "train" an intelligent woman my preferences. We explore and share each other's preferences. When you attempt to "train" a submissive some day let me know how that goes, eh?

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 49

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 7:51:17 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SeekingTrinity

quote:

ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne51

It would seem to me that if you had over 10 yrs experience, like your profile states, you might have acquired enough COMMON SENSE to not have to ask such a question.

I've got around 19 years of experience and have NO problem asking questions if I need to ask them. What of it? Having years of experience does not magically render you all-knowing and immune to the need to ask questions.

OP, since she is new...take it slow with her. Patience and communication are your best tools tools to use. Im a big fan of the checklist to get an idea of where to start. People reading skills are vital here. Pay attention to her...not only what she says with her words, but also what she says with her body. Not knowing her or you, I can't give a standard one size fits all answer hat will work. Trust your gut.

P.S. shock and awe über "Dominate" style is ridiculously bad advice. You sound like you knew that already .

Somebody's also trying to pretend "overwhelm" is the same as "shock and awe" when of course it is not. Being a Dom is something special and you don't hesitate to be special because that is what she is looking for.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)

Post #: 50

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 7:52:53 PM

Arturas

Posts: 3245
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Minor derail: Who brings children on a first date?!

I've been on one or 2.

It's a first meeting and I get a frantic call saying "Sorry, I've got to cancel, the babysitter can't make it"
Meh, bring em.

Then I get to find out of she had cold feet and was BSing me or if she is really interested.

I'm going to have to deal with them sooner or later anyway.

We can agree on one thing. Don't let it go to your head.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to Hillwilliam)

Post #: 51

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 7:54:24 PM

MrRodgers

Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

OP, you sound smart enough not to listen to the bad advice about overwhelming your friend.

When I met some dominant men in the past, sometimes the smallest gesture was enough to trigger something.

One time, I met someone for a first date, dinner. We talked about everything BUT D/s.

He did small things at dinner, like take my wrist and just hold it.

When we left, he kissed me at my car and just held my hair really hard and pulled it slightly.

While I did not know if I felt chemistry at dinner, I started to feel it then because he was using finesse instead of outright "on your knees bitch", which came much later once I got to know him.

Now, I was an experienced sub, but this advice applies since you are always a new sub to someone new.

Sometimes, being dominant is a whisper rather than yelling.

You've got it girl. Submission is thus...inspired. Overwhelming somebody, forcing anything is a fetish often spontaneus...not a 'relationship.'

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 52

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 8:14:37 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas
well intentioned "advice" is interesting but not to be taken seriously by a Dom.

If my eyes roll back any further I think they just may pop out.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 53

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 9:09:19 PM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

Minor derail: Who brings children on a first date?!

I've been on one or 2.

It's a first meeting and I get a frantic call saying "Sorry, I've got to cancel, the babysitter can't make it"
Meh, bring em.

Then I get to find out of she had cold feet and was BSing me or if she is really interested.

I'm going to have to deal with them sooner or later anyway.

We can agree on one thing.

At least it proves you were right once.

< Message edited by Hillwilliam -- 8/22/2013 9:46:38 PM >

_____________________________

Kinkier than a cheap garden hose.

Whoever said "Religion is the opiate of the masses" never heard Right Wing talk radio.

Don't blame me, I voted for Gary Johnson.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 54

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 9:17:21 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Take it from a sub who was overwhelmed by her Dom , ended up bleeding an ran away from him , DON"T RUSH IN TO STUFF! TAKE YOUR TIME EXPLORING HERS & YOURS DESIRES... and COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE!! I was madly in love with him but ended up leaving him..go figure which side is right

Someone apparently wants to paint a picture of someone beating and even raping a submissive in the process of "overwhelming". Such a picture is a complete distortion painted with personal agenda and ignorance. A woman is overwhelmed not physically but in other ways by a Dom. Of course.

Yes, this person had a personal agenda... which could well have cost her her life. Think I exaggerate? Search her posts.

I say this with all of my heart, mind, body and soul. You sound like one of those people that ends up giving dominants a bad name. If you think your first encounter should overwhelm someone without first communicating with them just because you are a magical dominant and they will be enthralled with you, then I question your validity or sincerity.

Being dominant does not equate to being a Neanderthal. I don't care if it is a "no limit" slave, you still discuss what you will and won't do and you discuss what you are going to do before you do it... not after. Just because you thought it was right because your Domly cup runeth over doesn't mean you cannot hurt someone emotionally or physically. You have to take that time because too many people use "no limits" and when confronted with something that they are unwilling to go through find out right quick that they do, in fact, have limits. Being a dominant does not mean that you cannot make mistakes. The dominants who are good will own their mistakes, correct them and then never let it happen again. But clear communication will go a long way in preventing any problems.

Dominants also can differentiate between what it is to dominate someone and being dominant. Guess what? Spelling counts because the meaning of the entire word changes. Know the difference and don't be dismissive when someone tries to correct you. You can dominate a submissive, you do not dominant them. You are a dominant, you are not a dominate. It is fine if you cannot see the difference, everyone else can and it speaks volumes about who and what you are.

The last thing I would like to say is that people should ask questions. It is how they learn. Being a dominant does not make you an instant genius and you know everything. I dare say that most dominants have asked plenty of questions or have been shown what to do and how to do certain things. Any twit can hold a flogger, how to use it, when to use it and why is something you have to learn. The rewards of being a dominant are when you can take a submissive and watch them melt in front of you by just looking at them. That takes work, practice and communication.

Someone wise once said, "Do not judge a man by what he says, but by the questions he asks."

To the OP:

You seem like you are on the right track with communicating. Communicate before you even go anywhere near a set of cuffs, or rope. Communicate when you have them in cuffs and helpless. Communicate after you release them. You are doing this to another human being, not a brick so they deserve to know what you are doing at all times. There will be time for mystery and surprises, but if you destroy their trust you will never get that chance. Also, know the difference between dominant and dominate, image is everything.

I wish you the best.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 55

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 9:43:53 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I'm sure all of this is great advice for others.

For me, I like a guy to go for it. Too much talking and planning bores me. Give her a few little activities and see if she likes them. Gentle stuff - maybe get her to write you something about what she is hoping for, get her to go to sleep in a particular way, or say your name before she sleeps, or eat something specific for dinner. See how she reacts and just go with the flow. If she likes it and wants more, it'll be obvious. She'll probably think about it and want to talk about it with you, all good. The basic thing is to see if she likes being told what to do (by you) and see if she's willing to do anything a bit uncomfortable to please you.

It is also great advice that you are giving which is go slow and... wait for it... COMMUNICATE! None of the above that you stated did not require communication. So, go slow and communicate. Goes far far away from Overwhelm them and let them sort it out after.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to orgasmdenial12)

Post #: 56

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 9:50:45 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Take it from a sub who was overwhelmed by her Dom , ended up bleeding an ran away from him , DON"T RUSH IN TO STUFF! TAKE YOUR TIME EXPLORING HERS & YOURS DESIRES... and COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE!! I was madly in love with him but ended up leaving him..go figure which side is right

Someone apparently wants to paint a picture of someone beating and even raping a submissive in the process of "overwhelming". Such a picture is a complete distortion painted with personal agenda and ignorance. A woman is overwhelmed not physically but in other ways by a Dom. Of course.

Wow. Not only have you not read her prior posts, but your pronouncements are 50 Shades of Delusional.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 57

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 10:29:08 PM

SerWhiteTiger

Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline

You guys are talking past each other. Arturas isn't saying to beat the crap out of her or to browbeat her into submission, he's simply saying to be a Dom and that in being a Dom, she will be overwhelmed by how manly and awesome you are, because hey, male Doms are pretty manly and awesome and overwhelming. Y'all are reading way more into his words than what he was trying to say IMO, and then he is responding to the responses and it's pure chaos. Everyone stop and take a breath.

Basic courteous interaction with an actual male Dom can be quite overwhelming to many a female sub.

On the other hand, no, don't beat her black and blue. Duh.

< Message edited by SerWhiteTiger -- 8/22/2013 10:30:13 PM >

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 58

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 10:32:04 PM

SerWhiteTiger

Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline

So, let's go back to the original reply here and ask the appropriate question:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

So the last thing I want to do is the first play date, session or whatever you want to call it is overwhelm her.

Oh contraire! Overwhelm her since experience taught me that overwhelming is exactly what submissive look for outside a vanilla guy! Overwhelm her and leave her begging for more! Serious.

What do you mean when you say to overwhelm her? Describe it in more detail please.

(in reply to Arturas)

Post #: 59

RE: Breaking in a completely beginner submissive? - 8/22/2013 10:49:23 PM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger

You guys are talking past each other. Arturas isn't saying to beat the crap out of her or to browbeat her into submission, he's simply saying to be a Dom and that in being a Dom, she will be overwhelmed by how manly and awesome you are, because hey, male Doms are pretty manly and awesome and overwhelming. Y'all are reading way more into his words than what he was trying to say IMO, and then he is responding to the responses and it's pure chaos. Everyone stop and take a breath.

Basic courteous interaction with an actual male Dom can be quite overwhelming to many a female sub.

On the other hand, no, don't beat her black and blue. Duh.

You may well be right, however that is not what he said initially in response to "Breaking in a completely beginner submissive." He said:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

So the last thing I want to do is the first play date, session or whatever you want to call it is overwhelm her.

Oh contraire! Overwhelm her since experience taught me that overwhelming is exactly what submissive look for outside a vanilla guy! Overwhelm her and leave her begging for more! Serious.

Do you think this is the best, most clear advice to give someone who is asking the original question? I don't. Overwhelm might mean anything from spanking with a hairbrush to hanging her from her tits from a skyscraper crane... One simply does not equal the other. Both may well overwhelm, but one is fairly innocuous while the other is outright dangerous. His responses have either been dismissive or vague or they contain an underlying tone of haughty superiority. There really has been no clarification or guidance. So, the responses have been addressing what was said and the resultant snarky, dismissive attitude.

This is a text based medium, clarity in thought is imperative. Leaving things open to interpretation especially regarding this subject could be inherently dangerous.

EDIT: You posted your other question while I was writing and posting this one, but we are saying the same thing in general.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 8/22/2013 10:51:47 PM >

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)

Post #: 60

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