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RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 8/30/2013 8:12:27 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: li2013

I honestly don't understand it.

DO all dominants feel this way or is it just a minority?

I like being submissive but I cant see why anyone would want to destroy/be destroyed

It's not rare, it's on so many profiles, am I a bit naïve? or is this acceptableng?

cant people dominante without destroying?

quote:

acceptableng


I've always found it acceptableng.

(But I tend to vote conservative).

(in reply to li2013)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 8/31/2013 3:46:07 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline 		~FR~

quote:

Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people?


Umm, because they're sociopaths?

(in reply to li2013)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 8/31/2013 6:52:06 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		First.. it's not all of them...there are plenty of dim dudes that actually want the opposite.. they want to help their sub grow and flourish. Now dom guys may have very different approaches.. some will want to break you down to build you up (and while this isn't my cup of tea I have seen brilliant healthy relationships that began this way) while others won't.

There is a small (but significant) number of dom men who for all sorts of reasons simply hate women. Maybe they were bullied by mean girls at school, or their mothers didn't love them, but instead of getting therapy they decide to get their kicks by causing hurt.

You need to figure out what kibd of relationship you want, and not compromise too much. If alarm bells ring in your head - pay attention to them.

And steer clear of the out and out wackos!

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to li2013)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 8/31/2013 8:10:53 PM   
incubusboy


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/4/2013
Status: offline 		I am a spinach quiche. But I'm not mostly made of eggs and cream. Are ALL spinach quiches NOT mostly made of eggs and cream? Oh, HOW can the world be so deceitful, obscure, and complicated?

The mistake here, of course, is believing my first sentence. Set that aside, and the nonsense that follows is plainly nonsense. So it is with these terms of convenience we use so that we can play the ways we want to play.

The OP's errors are, for one, to believe there are different kinds of people, with qualities distinct to one kind and not found in the others, two, to believe that people are the "kind" they say they are, and three, to imagine that people go about getting what they want for themselves by being candid and transparent.

I won't even go into how limited and error prone something like self-knowledge is.

A "dominant" person feels and expresses those impulses more than egalitarian or submissive impulses, but no one feels ONLY dominant, egalitarian, or submissive impulses. Anyone who claims to is either unaware, lying, or emotionally stunted.

After all, if my playmate's experience were completely different from mine, I would be unable to experience empathy for her, much less show it. But because I can mirror her feelings within myself, I can better understand where she is and what she's about. People are people. There is just one kind, and a rainbow of emphases between us. Kink affirms this, in fact, when it recognizes that gender does not determine personality or preference. Women can be dom; men can be sub. Just one kind of people.

That said, what do we say about the assholes who want to break other people down, destroy them, rather than nourish and support them, like regular humans? Well, these are people who avoid intimacy and despise the gifts of humanity in others. They cannot bear to reveal themselves, because they do not find that humanity in themselves. These are the weakest and least human among us. Someone upthread suggested they are sociopaths, and I'll go along with that, especially since one of the defining qualities of a sociopath is an inability to feel empathy for others.

There is just one kind of people, who experience our common humanity in different proportions, but it's all the same humanity. The only real difference is in those who lack part of their humanity or cannot access it. They are not simply different. They are less - stunted, damaged.

And they aren't about to tell you that. They'll tell you anything, including that they are kinky or dominant, to get at you for their own stunted purposes.

BTW, I've seen this on the other end, people desperate to feel ANYthing or be destroyed, who call themselves submissive. Maybe you read about the to German guys a couple of years ago who found each other on line and agreed that the one would cook and eat the other, piece by piece, keeping him alive as long as possible. They said they were dominant and submissive. But they were broken, crazy. No matter what they said.

This is why we take time to get to know people and otherwise keep ourselves safe. Because no one is bound by what he says unless he chooses to be bound by it.

This was pretty rangey, but I think my point is in there somewhere.

< Message edited by incubusboy -- 8/31/2013 8:14:39 PM >

(in reply to crazyml)
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RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 8/31/2013 10:32:30 PM   
DemonMutt


Posts: 15
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline 		Well considering I am just starting out myself and hoping to find a F sub of my own I am unsure if my input is wanted or even welcome here. But what I will say as far as I am concerned is that if I am ever lucky enough to find that woman then in my mind as her dom I would be doing her a disservice, a dishonor, and an insult both as a sub and a woman if I were to treat her in such a manner. It would also be an insult to my mother as well because she's the one who taught me how a man should treat women. Now granted some of the relationship in general would go against that very thing, however for me it is the idea of the dom comforting, protecting, and gaurding the sub in exchange for their loyalty, respect, and trust.
Though I do have to ask a question of my own. That question being is it common or normal for amdom to be sadomasachistic instead of what some veiw as traditionally completely sadist? Just a, querry I had to pose for myself there.

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 8/31/2013 11:17:01 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aloralynna

And red you are a sexy women your self you got a good brain on yourself.


Hey thanks, just saw this. Appreciate the kind words. Xxx

(in reply to Aloralynna)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 8/31/2013 11:27:49 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: incubusboy


That said, what do we say about the assholes who want to break other people down, destroy them, rather than nourish and support them, like regular humans? Well, these are people who avoid intimacy and despise the gifts of humanity in others. They cannot bear to reveal themselves, because they do not find that humanity in themselves. These are the weakest and least human among us. Someone upthread suggested they are sociopaths, and I'll go along with that, especially since one of the defining qualities of a sociopath is an inability to feel empathy for others.

There is just one kind of people, who experience our common humanity in different proportions, but it's all the same humanity. The only real difference is in those who lack part of their humanity or cannot access it. They are not simply different. They are less - stunted, damaged.

And they aren't about to tell you that. They'll tell you anything, including that they are kinky or dominant, to get at you for their own stunted purposes.





Another great post. Thanks, you are a joy to read.


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RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/2/2013 6:36:39 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonMutt
Well considering I am just starting out myself and hoping to find a F sub of my own I am unsure if my input is wanted or even welcome here. But what I will say as far as I am concerned is that if I am ever lucky enough to find that woman then in my mind as her dom I would be doing her a disservice, a dishonor, and an insult both as a sub and a woman if I were to treat her in such a manner. It would also be an insult to my mother as well because she's the one who taught me how a man should treat women. Now granted some of the relationship in general would go against that very thing, however for me it is the idea of the dom comforting, protecting, and gaurding the sub in exchange for their loyalty, respect, and trust.
Though I do have to ask a question of my own. That question being is it common or normal for amdom to be sadomasachistic instead of what some veiw as traditionally completely sadist? Just a, querry I had to pose for myself there.

First - "It's good to be king" . . . a role some people struggle with. They have trouble with a feeling of entitlement and think they have to do it the good ol' American way" and "earn/work" for everything they get. For example, you feel you should earn your pussy by "comforting, protecting, and gaurding the sub in exchange [earned] for their loyalty, respect, and trust." That's fine for you, a bit like the "white knight" syndrome which is very common, especially for young male newcomers. I blame Hollywood.

Perhaps in time, you will come to realize that the ant you never even noticed stepping on, had an epiphany while you crushed it to death. All things are not equal, size really does matter and we don't earn everything we take . . . including that ant's life. Entitlement. If you truly feel all life is equal and can extend that feeling to empathize with the ant in my example, you may begin to grasp what I am saying about entitlement. Entitlement isn't a bad word. You don't have to be clinically narcissistic to relax and enjoy entitlement. Don't get me wrong, I "comfort, protect, and guard" my slave . . . because she is my property, I am her caregiver, I love her and care about what is best for her . . . but I exchange loyalty, respect, and trust for loyalty, respect, and trust. Sex for sex, love for love etc.

So in my world, I am entitled to train my slave, otherwise she is not slave is she? I am entitled to use her as I see fit and if I were foolish enough to abuse her, she would leave. She needs no hero to save her honor, she is property. And I will train my property to please me, why else would I own her . . . to serve as her guard? To serve as her protector? Perhaps you should be her servant, not a king if you confuse the service of a solider with entitlement? Trust me, you would be in good company, many people feel as you do.

So that is my 2 cents about how your concepts of honor hold you in service to women and pussy whip you into submission and service to them. Your concepts are popular and certainly in the majority. Most will see you as having a righteous and respectable set of morals.

Secondly - "common or normal for amdom to be sadomasachistic instead of what some veiw as traditionally completely sadist?" Great question as this flies iin the face of what most Doms consider their reality. Doms will say, "being Domly has nothing to do with sadism." However, flogging people, tying them up, commanding them, keeping them in a collar, restraints and etc etc etc are all activities of sexual sadism. I argue that if you whip people or otherwise torture people, you must come to terms with the fact you are a sexual sadist or sadomasochist.

So the leather community "white lie" to the world is "come on in, it's safe, sane and consensual". The white lie they tell themselves is "we are not sadomasochists, it's just BDSM". If you found yourself at either end of a whip, rope, restraints, collar/leash or in the chain of command . . . and you liked it, found it arousing, you are a sadomasochist.

[edit - type-o]

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 9/2/2013 6:44:20 AM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/2/2013 6:51:11 AM   
SweetAnise


Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		OP I am not sure if I answered this or not but I feel compelled to answer your question. I believe dominants do this because they themselves are insecure. Most don't know what being dominant truly is and for some they have some serious mental health issue, personality disorder, and/or simply control-freaks. Anyone who wants to be broken and are not well ought to be seen as trouble as well.

Now there may be the "fantasy" of breaking someone and if you find a clear-headed dominant and submissive who are healthy (has some issues but not the scary issues that would make you run for the hills) then breaking someone could be fun if the submissive wants that type of play. But it has to be something both people want. We're talking about healthy folk having healthy fun.

We all have issues. We all have emotional baggage but the sane person does their best to deal with them and realizes the difference between fantasy and real life. And if they are falling into the weird side of things...understands themselves enough to back the f**k off and handle their own business before handling someone elses.

(in reply to FelineRanger)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/2/2013 7:02:47 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Interesting comments, as usual, RS.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/2/2013 7:03:27 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I read the OP as if it were her negative bias, her impressions of "breaking" that implied destroying because I never see "I want to destroy you" in a profile. I do see a lot of people mention "breaking a slave" as in breaking or training a horse (see my earlier replies).

Did I overreach the OP by interpreting her post as an emotional reaction to seeing people want to train or break slaves?

I hope this give additional perspective to my answers which were aimed at what I thought was behind the OP and not the assumption that breaking or training a slave is destroying a slave.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 9/2/2013 7:04:13 AM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/2/2013 7:08:33 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
Interesting comments, as usual, RS.

He may be young an new but his questions were spot on. I was compelled to answer as sincerely as I could because I felt his powers of observation and his awareness far exceed his experience . . . so I lent him some of mine.


_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/2/2013 10:06:57 AM   
jola37


Posts: 433
Joined: 7/8/2013
Status: offline 		Really interesting read RS

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/2/2013 11:40:12 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: li2013

I honestly don't understand it.
DO all dominants feel this way or is it just a minority?
I like being submissive but I cant see why anyone would want to destroy/be destroyed
It's not rare, it's on so many profiles, am I a bit naïve? or is this acceptableng?
cant people dominante without destroying?


There is a saying I am very fond of to describe the dynamic between Dominant and submissive. I usually use it as my tag line. In a BDSM relationship the Dom and the sub are equal in worth, just not equal in power. In a proper power dynamic both parties have it as their goal to uplift themselves and their partner equally.

I believe this is a good guide to help you through the minefield of finding a partner. Because even sadomasochists in good relationships have that same goal. If a potential partner seems to have your best interests at heart, that is one worth giving a chance. But remember this is an ongoing process. People can be deviously good at faking interest in your worth, but it doesn't usually take long for their true nature to come through. They try to get you emotionally attached making it harder for you to leave when you realize you made a mistake.

So keep your antenna up all the time. If it starts out great, but starts going downhill, don't be conned. Leave. Try again. A Dominant who truly has your self worth at heart will continue to prove it to you time and time again.

(in reply to li2013)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/3/2013 10:07:41 AM   
SirJohn008


Posts: 11
Joined: 4/5/2008
Status: offline 		A 'true' Dominant does not and would never 'destroy'.

A true Dominant cherishes, enhances and supports a submissive, not the reverse. To put her down is to put himself down.

It's the immature wannabees and juvenile twisteds (of any age) who may be leaving you with the wrong impression.

Neither are 'Dominant'.


(in reply to li2013)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/3/2013 10:39:02 AM   
OrionTheWolf


Posts: 7803
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		Twue Dominants! Yay for Twue!!!!

Dude there is no one twue way.

_____________________________

When speaking of slaves people always tend to ignore this definition "One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence."

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RE: Why do some dominants want to destroy/break people? - 9/3/2013 6:54:00 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirJohn008

A 'true' Dominant does not and would never 'destroy'.

A true Dominant cherishes, enhances and supports a submissive, not the reverse. To put her down is to put himself down.

It's the immature wannabees and juvenile twisteds (of any age) who may be leaving you with the wrong impression.

Neither are 'Dominant'.






_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Profile   Post #: 57
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