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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 5:41:54 AM

chatterbox24

Posts: 2182
Joined: 1/22/2012
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Looking good physically and feeling strong is awesome. That's a form of discipline.
...But forgetting of self, such as volunteering, helping someone in need, doing things maybe you don't even want to do but force yourself to do will build excellent character. While doing that you would be very surprised to see how grand you have become. Possibly attracting prince charming.

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Post #: 21

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 9:49:37 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: chatterbox24
doing things maybe you don't even want to do but force yourself to do will build excellent character. While doing that you would be very surprised to see how grand you have become. Possibly attracting prince charming.

I can tell you that a smoking hot body and a willingness to obey would not get anyone in my door or bed. "Excellent character", on the other hand, would.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Post #: 22

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 9:55:24 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ScoutsHonor
This is a time for me to work on myself so that when the time comes my Master knows that I was respecting him and caring for his property before he even entered my life.

I'll give you a piece of advice. Do it for yourself not someone else.

Men come and go. The average lifespan of D/s BDSM relationship is somewhere around 3 months. Be someone that you want to be and you will find someone that appreciates what you bring to the table.

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Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 23

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 10:40:00 AM

MissToYouRedux

Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

... The average lifespan of D/s BDSM relationship is somewhere around 3 months...

Is that true, Oside? I always knew I was doing something right with the subs I've selected to be in my life, but that's just sad, and I hope inaccurate.

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Post #: 24

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 10:54:22 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl
... The average lifespan of D/s BDSM relationship is somewhere around 3 months...

Is that true, Oside? I always knew I was doing something right with the subs I've selected to be in my life, but that's just sad, and I hope inaccurate.

I think you need to be careful there. In my observation most "D/s relationships" are not even remotely trying for "happily ever after". Usually, the goal seems to be "instant control and hot sex"... a brief but intense fling more than a marriage.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to MissToYouRedux)

Post #: 25

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 10:55:22 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissToYouRedux

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

... The average lifespan of D/s BDSM relationship is somewhere around 3 months...

Is that true, Oside? I always knew I was doing something right with the subs I've selected to be in my life, but that's just sad, and I hope inaccurate.

My background is psychology with a degree specializing in relationship/family counseling. So, paying attention to the relationships happening in the community around me was something that interested me. (I was in the Los Angeles area for a long time, which is a huge community)

I've seen studies that say that average lifespan of a vanilla dating relationship is 5-7 months.

After years of watching, I figured out that most D/s BDSM relationships last about 3 months. It was a combination of people that confused tingly genitals with real emotions, instant collars, people who thought porn/The Beauty books/Castlerealm were real and people that are in BDSM D/s because it gives them a crutch rather than actually dealing with their issues that drag that average down. (Run on sentence alert!)

I do know people that have long term relationships, ours included.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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Post #: 26

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 10:57:12 AM

MissToYouRedux

Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

...people that confused tingly genitals with real emotions...

Quoted for truth.

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Post #: 27

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 4:39:21 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
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I'm actually interested in the idea of whether it's possible to "train" yourself to be more submissive...

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530 DAYS

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Post #: 28

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 4:52:47 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ScoutsHonor

I have been thinking a lot lately about self improvement both in the vanilla world and as a sub. I am currently not owned or in a relationship and for a while I felt as if at best I was stagnant as a submissive and at worst backsliding. After some thought I've decided that this should not be the case and there is no reason I should not be growing durring this time. That way I am all the better a person and sub when I enter a relationship. I have realized that I can use this time to spend more time excersizing and improving my body so it is more pleaseing and I can work on posture while knealing or other positions. I was wondering what other ideas people have or what they have done while single (or that wish they would have done) to remain from becoming stagnant or lazy. Do you have book recommendations, excersizes, advice for a single submissive? Particularly one somewhat new to the lifestyle. Thank you.

Something really bothers me about this question, and it's this: people don't remain the same sexual being their entire lives. Just as there are men and women who start out straight and realize they are bi or gay (often after a long, failed first marriage), so too there are people who start out dom and turn sub, or start out sub and turn dom.

In fact, the most likely scenario for a woman, statistically, is that she begins her sexual life fairly submissive, and grows progressively more dominant as she gains experience and comfort with her own desires. This isn't the same thing as "kinky" by the way; rather, she is more able and willing to verbalize her own desires, to lead when her partner falters, and to insist upon regular orgasms.

That's not everyone's trajectory of course. But I mention it because you seem to have the idea that if you change your sexual orientation, that's bad. I would say, instead: let your sexuality head wherever it wants to go, as long as it doesn't put you in danger. Enjoy what happens.

In the meantime, go to the gym, read great books, take cooking, massage, craft classes. That's the kind of thing that will make you a more attractive partner to any man -- and you'll get more confidence in yourself.

Best of luck.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ScoutsHonor)

Post #: 29

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 5:30:30 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
I'm actually interested in the idea of whether it's possible to "train" yourself to be more submissive...

Surely the answer to this must be, like all things human, "to some extent". I could certainly behave in a submissive way and I do when I'm around a decent leader (thank GOD just this once I don't have to lead). I see no reason why I couldn't actually internalize some of that. I doubt I could ever be like Carol. But I have a hard time believing I couldn't get at least part of the way there. 20% or so seems a gimme.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 30

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 7:14:00 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

Do what will make YOU happy, not because you think it will make some future guy happy. The man you meet will like you for you and if he wants you otherwise he will let you know.

So do stuff because you want to make yourself a better person for yourself. That's what will make you attractive to someone.

ETA: You could "train" yourself to act submissive but you either have that personality or you don't imo. I can "act" dominant which I do almost everyday because I have to. I don't enjoy it whatsoever but I've trained myself to be convincing. But that's all it is...an act. I couldn't be a dominant personality no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 9/7/2013 7:17:17 PM >

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 7:25:54 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
I'm actually interested in the idea of whether it's possible to "train" yourself to be more submissive...

Surely the answer to this must be, like all things human, "to some extent". I could certainly behave in a submissive way and I do when I'm around a decent leader (thank GOD just this once I don't have to lead). I see no reason why I couldn't actually internalize some of that. I doubt I could ever be like Carol. But I have a hard time believing I couldn't get at least part of the way there. 20% or so seems a gimme.

*makes note to try a "Kneel, bitch" with Jeff...*

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

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Post #: 32

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 7:46:57 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sunshinemiss
*makes note to try a "Kneel, bitch" with Jeff...*

ROFL... you oughta know me better than that. The moment I read that post I got on my knees then bitched about you making me do it.

I 'r sub now :)

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 33

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 8:03:47 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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*all aflush with my powers*
I r dom!

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 34

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 8:32:50 PM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
I'm actually interested in the idea of whether it's possible to "train" yourself to be more submissive...

Surely the answer to this must be, like all things human, "to some extent". I could certainly behave in a submissive way and I do when I'm around a decent leader (thank GOD just this once I don't have to lead). I see no reason why I couldn't actually internalize some of that. I doubt I could ever be like Carol. But I have a hard time believing I couldn't get at least part of the way there. 20% or so seems a gimme.

I'm having a hard time picturing a process or situation that someone could put themselves into which would bring out and encourage submissiveness.
I can think of ways to inflict/impose situations... Create environments and such which should get a person used to the idea of accepting my will over theirs... But they are really driven by me and have no real parallel in everyday adult life... no situation that someone could look for and put themselves into.

Really as far as I can think at the moment, encouraging/ bringing out submission, seems totaly dominance driven...
Without the presence of dominance, I can't really see a way to "train" it...

But surely there are ways...
Your idea Jeff, would seem to need the presence of a leader so that you wouldn't need to lead... Or probably rather a more capable leader who would inspire/encourage you to follow.
But I'm talking without that presence, like the OP's situation.

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Post #: 35

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 9:25:54 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
Your idea Jeff, would seem to need the presence of a leader so that you wouldn't need to lead... Or probably rather a more capable leader who would inspire/encourage you to follow.

*chuckles* More like... someone else dumb enough to lead so I can be lazy this once. I don't need to be inspired... I'm inspired by laziness. I just need to feel confident shit won't go to hell.

quote:

But I'm talking without that presence, like the OP's situation.

*nods* That'd be the second part of what I said. Oddly, I don't have any harder time imagining how to do this than when I figured out how to find the sadist in me. I am not one of those people who believes I am "100% dom". I don't think humans are 100% anything except for human. So I believe that SOMEWHERE inside me are feelings and thoughts much like Carol's. I believe if I dig deep enough I'll find the tiny little spark of that. I believe if I chose I could fan those into a flame. I could not believe anything different. To do so would be to admit I don't control me. Saying anything else would be tantamount to saying "I'm not dominant at all" (yes, I know, that's my own little twisted view of dominance & self control, not shared by the rest of the world).

If I could find sadism in me I can find submission too and were I to choose to do so, the very thing that'd make it happen would, oddly enough, by my dominance. Maybe that's the answer to your "where's the dominance". It'd be my own. I don't really accept interlopers on my own front porch (my own mind). Carol says, "She prefers to defer". I don't see why I couldn't, given sufficient motivation, acquire a taste for deference. It's not like it's some hideous thing.

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 9/7/2013 9:29:21 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 36

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 9:27:18 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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quote:

Really as far as I can think at the moment, encouraging/ bringing out submission, seems totaly dominance driven...
Without the presence of dominance, I can't really see a way to "train" it...

I realize this wasn't directed at me, but if I may...

Learning to hold a yoga pose.
Creating a list of things to do and doing them.
Participating in a class.
Cooking a new recipe - and following the recipe to the letter.
Dancing - and not backleading.
Train for a triathlon.
Learning a new skill or hobby.

There are a lot of ways to submit to the world around you. Holding a yoga pose longer than you think you can means submitting your body, mind and will to the pose. Following through on a list of things to do means that you don't allow yourself to make an excuse. Studying and participating in a class - while it may be submitting to the will of the teacher, it is also learning patience and follow through and studying despite wanting to watch the next episode of Game of Thrones or Downton Abbey. Following a recipe to the letter is crazy hard. Learning to trust another person to lead when dancing (backwards and in high heels) - talk about submitting! Whew. training for a long distance anything requires submitting to the training schedule even when you've only slept 4 or 5 hours. Ask me! I know! learning a new skill means focusing on it and not on our own personal judgments about failure.

There are a lot of ways of "submitting". Are they "submitting to another person"? Not as such, but they are about looking beyond the right now and they are also about allowing something / someone else to lead the next step. And that is akin to training.

Just a thought.
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 37

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 9:32:42 PM

AaNiMaLl

Posts: 78
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

I haven't read the other posts yet.

My advice is hippy as, stay awake to the here and now. You can swim in the middle of life's ocean if you don't pay attention to how big it is. The past is gone and the future is not here. Both are unnecessary. Don't be so cognitive but feel and experience the here and now. Take your cues from inside internal you rather than outside external. The truth whispers but it is clear. If you flow with it, light will follow you everywhere. ...You don't need guidance because you are inside you. Emotion shows us. Submit to nothingness. Depend on your DNA. ...exercise is a good place to start. It is difficult to be in balance when our bodies are not. But remember that there are more desires and demands in your psyche. ...Also, remember that the times when things are hardest are when we learn most (Nietzsche). So embrace pain.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)

< Message edited by AaNiMaLl -- 9/7/2013 9:55:04 PM >

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 38

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 9:48:06 PM

AaNiMaLl

Posts: 78
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ETA: You could "train" yourself to act submissive but you either have that personality or you don't imo. I can "act" dominant which I do almost everyday because I have to. I don't enjoy it whatsoever but I've trained myself to be convincing. But that's all it is...an act. I couldn't be a dominant personality no matter how hard I try to convince myself otherwise.

+1 So good.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 39

RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 10:46:50 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

The OP and many others are asking about self training so here you go.
Yes, you can train yourself, they even make a software to help.
I have mentioned this software before: -=Online Virtual Master & Slave Control Software=-
People who have used this software said they liked it.
The software has been maintained and supported since 2009. Latest version was released on 2013-04-27
There is an active Yahoo Group group where users exchange experiences and files. The group has 28 New Members - 10 New Messages in past 7 days
Find it at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/VirMst.

So people use it, people like it, people support it in a yahoo group and the program designer maintains support, bug fixes and current releases. This is no joke or some hack and best of all, it's free. I am told that you need to join the yahoo group and get some of the files they have made to get a good start or look at good examples. That or spend some time seriously designing your own training. It does come with some simple demos built in. For LDRs and many online Dom/mes and pros, it has a webcam facility and they use this as a system of reporting and the Dom/me sets out the tasks and time limits so the slave is monitored while the Dom/me is away or at work during the day.

I looked at the Virtual Master program (there is also a slave training program) and it basically has alarms, timers, reports and communications centered around BDSM themed menus like 'Communications', 'Assignments' and 'Rules'. For example, in the sample program, under Communication you have:

* Ask Permission
* Report
* Confess
* Ask for punishment
* Ask for clothing instructions
* Ask for other instructions.
and etc

So you hit 'Ask Permission', then from a pull down menu you choose "Watch TV".
The answer is "yes slave, you may watch TV" followed by a pop up with instructions:
"You may now watch TV for up to 3 hours.
Report when you have finished and turned the TV off.
Remember to sign in every half hour"

Now, under the Ask Permission menu, watching TV is no longer and option today. And so it goes with using the bathroom, getting dressed, what to wear, what to eat etc. Like I said, people have used it and they liked it.

Here is what Sven B. the program creator says about it:

Virtual Master Program
The program enables a sub to design her/his own "virtual master/mistress" to which she/he can report, ask permissions, ask instructions etc. Or it enables a master/mistress to set up a set of rules for a sub, who can send reports back to the master. The program is intended for long term use.

Slave Training Program
This program enables the mistress/master to design a training program for a slave and the slave to execute the program without knowing in advance what is expected of him/her. The program automatic generates a report for the mistress/master to view. There's no connection to any physical devices. The slave is only controlled by the commands given from the program. The program is intended for doing individual training sessions.

Discussions group
There is a Yahoo Group group where users of these programs can exchange experiences and files. It is also a good place to look for answers and to ask questions. Find it at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/VirMst/.

Support
The best place to get support is at the Yahoo group. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/VirMst/.

Get the free software here:
Main Web Site
Virtual Master DL page
Slave Training Program DL page

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 9/7/2013 10:56:30 PM >

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I give good thread.

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Post #: 40

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