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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/7/2013 11:33:11 PM   
AaNiMaLl


Posts: 78
Joined: 4/4/2013
Status: offline 		Tool: song Parabola.

Glaurghh that software looks ghastly.

< Message edited by AaNiMaLl -- 9/7/2013 11:34:40 PM >

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/8/2013 12:11:23 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I'm personally not into cyber, virtual, LDR or online stuff but if I were, I think that software would be like god's gift sent from heaven . . . and it's free. What looks ghastly about it? Does it look like a ghastly chore to program? If so, that is why I suggest you get some ready-made files from the yahoo group. Use them as a base and modify those to suit your needs.

The interface is pretty straight forward so I can't imagine it evoking a ghastly reaction. People usual tell me they like it so I am very interested in what about it looked so ghastly when you tried to use it. . . or didn't you use it and you feel compelled to share your uneducated opinion about something you have no contact with or direct knowledge about?

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/8/2013 1:40:28 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline
quote:

quote:

Really as far as I can think at the moment, encouraging/ bringing out submission, seems totaly dominance driven...
Without the presence of dominance, I can't really see a way to "train" it...


I realize this wasn't directed at me, but if I may...

Learning to hold a yoga pose.
Creating a list of things to do and doing them.
Participating in a class.
Cooking a new recipe - and following the recipe to the letter.
Dancing - and not backleading.
Train for a triathlon.
Learning a new skill or hobby.

Apart from the dancing one, theres nothing that I can see in that list being a technique to make a person more submissive... And I only exclude the dancing because I don't dance and have no idea what back-leading is.
quote:

There are a lot of ways to submit to the world around you. Holding a yoga pose longer than you think you can means submitting your body, mind and will to the pose.

I've done yoga before, I wouldn't say I submitted to a yoga pose... If anything I'd describe my experience of those painful stretching times where I had to hold as long as I could, to be an exercise in will power... Mind over matter in a way... And finding the strength to push through the pain... Like exercise, where pushing your limits is a test of will power... I don't submit my body to something in that way.
In that regard I think you are explaining what you see through 'sub coloured' glasses and thinking thats how it appears to everyone.

quote:

Following through on a list of things to do means that you don't allow yourself to make an excuse.

I have always said that a key trait to what I consider dominance is the ability to not just picture how you want to be, or what you want to happen, or what you want to do...
But to actually follow through an do it! To make it happen, to get it done, to achieve your goals!
I'm of course not going to say that is what makes someone a dominant or that it is a trait that all dominants have or even that it has anything to do with D/s...
But it doesn't train submissiveness.

quote:

Studying and participating in a class - while it may be submitting to the will of the teacher, it is also learning patience and follow through and studying despite wanting to watch the next episode of Game of Thrones or Downton Abbey.

Again, studying instead of watching game of thrones....
I just did the most boring two day course and every second of it I wanted be somewhere else, but I sucked it up and did the boring crappy work that I already know... Because I need the piece of paper at the end, which hopefully, by now is in the mail and on it's way.
I mean I'm sure you could look at anything you do as exercise in something, but the things in your list aren't inherently lessons in submission... Only by the way you look at them, and not everyone will see submission in all those little everyday things.

quote:

Following a recipe to the letter is crazy hard.

You don't think I want to cook some kick ass food girl?! Gotta do that shit by the book~... Hah!

quote:

Learning to trust another person to lead when dancing (backwards and in high heels) - talk about submitting! Whew.

I will take your word for it!

quote:

Training for a long distance anything requires submitting to the training schedule even when you've only slept 4 or 5 hours. Ask me! I know! learning a new skill means focusing on it and not on our own personal judgments about failure.


Sunshine, I don't submit to my training, I stick to it... Because I've set myself goals and I need to make them happen, it builds character... I wouldn't say it builds submission.

I'm glad you can look at all those things in that way, but I think the main thing contributing to that point of view is you, and not the actual things your describing.

I do and have done most of that stuff and it didn't make me more submissive.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 9/8/2013 1:50:53 AM >

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/8/2013 1:44:52 AM   
ARIES83


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I think that would be worth a look by the OP!
I had no idea a program like that was around.

Very interesting idea!

I will have to investigate it when I have some more reading time.

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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/8/2013 1:54:18 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Aries,
It is self contained app. No installation needed. So you don't have to study a manual to get started with teh samples or demos. Just unzip and start the exe file. You only need some guidance when creating/designing your own training program.

When loading, choose a demo/sample file and take a look at what it does. Literally 3 minutes total to download, unzip and start it up. Just click around through the menus, but don't forget to report or all other actions remain greyed out until you report that you finished your task.

Have fun!

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/8/2013 7:52:38 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline 		You know, I haven't looked at it but in terms of self-training my daytimer is a pretty strict task master (well OK, my program that's like a daytimer in my ipad). God damned thing is always beeping and demanding I go somewhere or do something and it's pretty damned stubborn to. If I ignore it is just keep demanding I obey until I subumit

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/8/2013 11:35:46 AM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		So this program, what happens if you don't do the chore, you don't follow the directions, you don't check in? What's the consequence?


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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/8/2013 4:17:55 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Aries,
Perhaps discipline is to some degree the essence of submitting? When I do yoga, I hold the pose and quiet my mind. I stretch my body and let go of anything I'm holding onto. This is not terribly different than what I do when I follow another person's will physically.

For cooking - somebody wrote the book. How? By experimenting with things and creating the recipe. When I cook and follow a recipe exactly, I don't do "good enough." I do EXACTLY what I'm told to do (granted by a recipe, but still). This one is horribly hard for me to do. I don't always have the ingredients, and I have to substitute. When I've been in relationships, I've had the urge to do "good enough" instead of exactly. For me, it is good practice to following directions. I'm a creative gal. I have to stop myself from being creative in all kinds of ways! You want chicken and dumplings? sure! Oh but the shrimp is on sale. And well, it's all protein! And look at these wonderful veggies. We could make a nice cajun soup instead. And that bread looks good. We'll just have that as the carb instead. *this is how my mind works* So following a recipe - I really scale back on ... something.

Training for a triathlon - well good heavens! When you train with other people, you match your pace to them, you follow them LITERALLY by watching the other person's back tire on a bike, you follow the trail someone else set up. There is a whole BOATLOAD of submitting going on. No, you can't stop and go to the bathroom, no you can't take a picture of that garden, no you can't slow down, no you can't stop for a drink - learn to drink your water while you ride, etc. It's HOURS AND HOURS of submitting every damn day! (Not submitting when training ... hahaha!!! That made me chortle.)

I also just completed a continuing education course. It was a fascinating and interesting... or so I made it. (It was something I not only KNEW but also teach). I chose to dig into it and enjoy the rewind to a Topic 101 course. I completed it while I was traveling to the USA. I had to get up every morning, do my workout, do my homework, attend a 12 step meeting, and THEN spend time with my friends and family - whom I'd spent quite a lot of time and money and energy to visit. It was quite a challenge. But I did it. Eye on the prize. Was that submitting? To a degree, sure. I submitted to my personal long term desires rather than my whims. But was it SUBMITTING? No.

I think most things are how we look at them, how we arrange them in our brains. For some, it would be "discipline" and for others "submitting" and for others "git 'er done". In the end, how much is what we CHOOSE to see something as versus how others define it?

But, just so you know... any man who is with me will be pretty darned happy I came to him with the level of flexibility and stamina that I have. He'll be glad I can carry on a conversation and cook a decent meal. I'll be able to contribute with my skills and hobbies to a fuller and richer life. And hopefully, he'll waltz me once again 'round the dance floor a time or two and enjoy the feel of me in his arms.

best,
sunshine

< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 9/8/2013 4:19:08 PM >

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/8/2013 8:01:06 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

So this program, what happens if you don't do the chore, you don't follow the directions, you don't check in? What's the consequence?


It prescribes punishment.

ETA: For example, I just booted up the program and it wants me to go stand in a corner because I didn't report properly during my TV watching.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 9/8/2013 8:02:58 PM >

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 2:46:43 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
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quote:

Perhaps discipline is to some degree the essence of submitting?


Hmm, whats discipline mean to you...

We would of course be talking about 'self-discipline' in this context and not some externally imposed or enforced type of conditions... I personally see self-discipline as an ingredient of, being in control of yourself, 'self-control'.
They require willpower... Not a surrendering of will.
For me anyway, not for you from what I gather.

'Discipline is the assertion of willpower over more base desires, and is usually understood to be synonymous with self control. Self-discipline is to some extent a substitute for motivation, when one uses reason to determine the best course of action that opposes one's desires.'

I just copy/paste that last paragraph from Wiki Discipline but I thought it summed it up well...

Self-actualisation, forging your own path, plotting your own course... I see all those things as 'being dominant in life'.

But anyway, the concept in your quote may work in an externally imposed/ enforced type of context... But when the path is chosen by oneself, I think what we start talking about is self-control, self-determination, self-discipline and all that...

'Self-submitting' isn't as catchy. But more than that, I'm tempted to say it's a reverse order way of looking at it... But for all I know it may be a common view point, and I may have the unique take... The only way to gauge it is to throw it out there for opinions.

Maybe it's just a girly way of lookin at stuff...

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 5:00:10 AM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

So this program, what happens if you don't do the chore, you don't follow the directions, you don't check in? What's the consequence?


It prescribes punishment.

ETA: For example, I just booted up the program and it wants me to go stand in a corner because I didn't report properly during my TV watching.

So did you stand in a corner?

I know I wouldn't even if my Dom asked me to report on my tv habits and I did not and he told me to stand in the corner, I'd probably laugh at him...simply because that is NOT how we work things. He does not micromanage me and I would not have chosen anyone who did. However, if he came home and the house was in disorder, and it was because I was tuning into daily Brady Bunch marathon's he might say something. Because while I am on my seasonal lay off, it is expected I keep the house clean, while he is at work. When I go back to work in October, we will go back to sharing of the chores. (We still share in the chores now but the one who is home most does the bulk of it.) I do keep the house clean, not because he punishes me but because I am self motivated to do so and I get praise for it.

And yes I did teach myself to be self motivated in that area while I was single submissive. It was not some pc program that forced me to do so.

Cleaning house was one of those things I hated (and still hate) to do. As a child, I was expected to keep our house clean. From the time I was eight years old, I did the bulk of the housework and cooked dinner for the family more often than anyone else. My brother who was two years older than me did not have any chores and only once can I remember him cooking dinner and it was something he tossed in the microwave and it never would have flown if I had attempted that. One would have thought I would have just continued onwards on that path when I became an adult. I didn't, I resented the fact that I had to keep the house clean. So my adult home was always less than perfect....I am sort of embarrassed by the fact that many of the pictures of my kids growing up had a messy back ground of toys littering the floor...dishes all over.

As a single submissive, I did take time for self reflection and set about 'fixing' things about me that deep down I knew were flaws. Keeping my space tidy was one of them. I forced myself to get in the habit of cleaning...self motivation. Now I sweep and mop daily, sometimes twice a day because we have furry children now and the pet hair gets all over. The bed is made daily and the sheets are changed either every other day or daily depending on how many times I catch my pets laying on it. Everything has a place and everything is put in it. This was a plus, because my partner is anal about having things neat. The first time he came to my apartment the first words out of his mouth were, "Wow it smells clean in here!" That made me feel super but I also felt super when I was single and came home from work to a house that looked clean and smelled clean.

I am even more inspired to keep things clean because of the praise I get. I love it when he comes home and says, "It looks good in here or wow it smells good in here or the sheets smell good." However if he came home to a clean house and told me to stand in the corner because I left a coffee cup in the sink, I would become resentful. That is how my mom did things, not that she made me stand in the corner but because she would pick up on one little thing out of place and have a bitch fest over it. The only thing I was frequently praised for growing up was my cooking skills and 99% of the time, it came from another family member. And yes I still excel in the kitchen.



I fail to see the inspiration in a computer program and again it is the self motivation that makes one follow through with it. A pc program is not going to follow through if you don't stand in the corner and I really can not see a submissive feeling guilty if she did not follow through and stand in the corner because the computer told her to. If a single submissive feels she is watching too much tv, cut back, it's as simple as that. If she is needs a task list for goodness sakes write one and follow through. If she needs to get up in the morning and go to work, attend a class, do her homework, just do it. I don't know but if I were a Dom, I would be pretty bored if my job was to stand behind someone barking orders for simple things. And to me that program would seem to be have that effect.


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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 6:48:42 AM   
Domnotlooking


Posts: 249
Joined: 8/11/2013
Status: offline 		Isn't this person more looking for some solo kinky fun idea's rather than uber-worthy lecturing that she should improve her vocabulary and read to the blind in her spare time?

As a very sexual person, if a woman told me on the third date that she'd been practicing kneeling and drink serving, I'd be psyched.

If she told me she'd been working on her "inner life" to be all around very special person, I'd say yeah, good for you. And then I'd put my head down on the table and feign snoring.


< Message edited by Domnotlooking -- 9/9/2013 7:16:49 AM >

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 9:04:58 AM   
lilcracker


Posts: 243
Joined: 4/14/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

Isn't this person more looking for some solo kinky fun idea's rather than uber-worthy lecturing that she should improve her vocabulary and read to the blind in her spare time?

As a very sexual person, if a woman told me on the third date that she'd been practicing kneeling and drink serving, I'd be psyched.

If she told me she'd been working on her "inner life" to be all around very special person, I'd say yeah, good for you. And then I'd put my head down on the table and feign snoring.


Where did the OP's post say she was looking for kinky fun idea's since her post began with:
quote:

I have been thinking a lot lately about self improvement both in the vanilla world and as a sub


Further, if on a FIRST conversation if a 'Dom' told me he was most interested in how well I could kneel, serve drinks and let me know he was very sexual...I would think...'theatrics...wanker'...and never get to conversation number two.

Just saying there is some people like 'uber-worthy' Dominants...

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 10:28:40 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ScoutsHonor

I don't mean that I feel as if I need to be submissive to the world. I feel as if I need to be growing for the one who will eventually be my Master. I may not be owned yet but I don't believe it is wise to me frittering away my time and allowing myself to be lazy and too self-centered. This is a time for me to work on myself so that when the time comes my Master knows that I was respecting him and caring for his property before he even entered my life. It may seem a little intense but it's the way I feel I need to behave. However I seem to be a bit at a loss for what that growing and improving looks like right now. The suggestions have been great though and with some thought and planing I will be working some of them into my life so that I don't remain stagnant.


You should not need a future excuse to be working on yourself.

Why rely on something or someone who may never materialize?

Any self improvements should be coming from you for yourself, not to please an ideal.

That is what self esteem is, valuing yourself.

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 10:59:24 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Red,
I think you and a few others are being pretty harsh in regards to her motivations.
If she needs to dangle a carrot infront of her donkey to get where she wants to go, I don't really see the problem.

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 1:56:25 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		My grandma always said, "be the kind of woman that the kind of man you want will want." This is that.

ok. off to do some self improvement...

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 5:00:28 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking

Isn't this person more looking for some solo kinky fun idea's rather than uber-worthy lecturing that she should improve her vocabulary and read to the blind in her spare time?

As a very sexual person, if a woman told me on the third date that she'd been practicing kneeling and drink serving, I'd be psyched.

If she told me she'd been working on her "inner life" to be all around very special person, I'd say yeah, good for you. And then I'd put my head down on the table and feign snoring.


She didn't say she was looking for kinky fun ideas.

As a highly sexual person, the better I know and improve myself and my life as a whole, the more awesome our relationship is, both in and outside of the bedroom.

If on the third date the Mister wanted to talk about kneeling, I'd try NOT to snore.

But then we think self awareness is kinda hot.

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RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 5:29:34 PM   
NiceAnimal


Posts: 35
Joined: 9/6/2013
Status: offline 		Meditation?

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 9:52:06 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking
Isn't this person more looking for some solo kinky fun idea's rather than uber-worthy lecturing that she should improve her vocabulary and read to the blind in her spare time?

~shrug~ I don't know. So as always, given a lack of context, I answered from my own which may or may not be relevant to the question asked.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Improving as a sub when single - 9/9/2013 10:04:09 PM   
SlipSlidingAway


Posts: 223
Joined: 11/24/2006
Status: offline 		Hi OP, you say you are seeking self improvement in both the vanilla world and as a sub? My suggestion would be just to focus on what you think needs improvement, areas you feel you need more confidence, researching what you don't consider yourself knowledgeable in. You are one person, currently single, and can not predict what a future dominant will desire of you. So, no need to really worry about that until you meet one. For now? Enjoy the journey on your own. The best thing you could likely do for any partner is get to know yourself better and be the best you that you can be. Do it for you- and when (or if) he shows up? He reaps the benefits of knowing a wonderful person who is in touch with her inner self, who knows what makes her tick, and actually understands what it is she if offering to him. Power exchange is so much more enjoyable when the person you exchange it with actually understands the value of what they are surrendering.

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