RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol

RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master

Message

HerrKeuner -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 8:30:58 AM)
I would prefer people not to drink because I feel it's an unhealthy waste of their money which doesn't bring anything particular: socialising can be done exactly without getting alcohol into one's body, and if you feel that you need alcohol to socialise I would say you're simply a sad case. However, as you all mention, it's simply their business, not something that I can really push in. It's not something I can talk anyone out of, or pressurize into giving up. As I mentioned before, I treat alcohol not differently from tobacco or crack heroine, with the only difference being the side effects and the intensity. The main idea is that it's still a completely unnecessary waste which doesn't bring any positive effects. I'm not sure if it's my friends' intention to put pressure into me when they egg me, for the Nth time, about ordering an alcoholic drink when I'm with them. What I know is that I don't tell them not to drink. It's their choice, as is mine not to drink. The problem, the way I see it, is that my relationship with drugs and my stance towards them is quite different than that of most of my contemporaries. I need to find an equilibrium which doesn't mean imposing my preferences to anyone but still makes me stand my ground. In a vanilla context I have less trouble, but I'm struggling on how to adapt it to a potential D/s relationship.

petitespot -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 9:08:03 AM)
There are proven health benefits to having a glass of red wine. I'll take that any day over a can of coke.

OsideGirl -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 9:08:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crazyml There rarely is a clear cut answer, and you are totally free to express any preference you choose to - And it's no business of mine to judge you for it. I absolutely agree with this. As stated by others, in your position I would state that I was looking for a nondrinker from the outset rather than expecting someone to change to even be considered.

thishereboi -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 9:22:17 AM)
I've known those who had problems with alcohol and those who didn't. Just depends on personal history. My ex didn't like drinking or being around those who did. We discussed it before hand and she agreed that on occasion I could have up to 2 drinks and that was it. I agreed and we had no problems. If you meet someone who doesn't drink, even better. Unless the sub in question has a major drinking problem I don't think anyone would necessarily even notice. If she did have a problem then chances are you probably aren't going to be compatible anyway.

Gauge -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 10:14:00 AM)
Well, you were making good points until you started with: quote: I would prefer people not to drink because I feel it's an unhealthy waste of their money which doesn't bring anything particular: socialising can be done exactly without getting alcohol into one's body, and if you feel that you need alcohol to socialise I would say you're simply a sad case. Are you in recovery? Because the most often times that I come across people that are this hard line, they are in some sort of 12 step program. Why do you care if people waste their money on something that makes them happy, even if just for a short time? I am sure that people with a certain amount of social anxiety welcome a drink when they go out to calm their nerves and allow them to relax... they may even say that they need the drink to socialize... but they are sad cases and therefore you dismiss them entirely of any social value whatsoever. People work hard, and they like to go out and have a few beers to relax and unwind with their friends... sad cases too? If not, definitely money wasters... right? quote: The main idea is that it's still a completely unnecessary waste which doesn't bring any positive effects. In your opinion. And that you have felt pressured by your friends says to me that there is more to your stance than you are telling us because if it didn't matter to you then you would just laugh it off and move on with your night... but there is something more that disturbs you and makes that perception of pressure feel very real to you. Why? You are quite judgmental of drinkers, and me... who was a raging horrendous alcoholic have no problem with drinkers, social drinkers and alcoholics alike. What is wrong with this picture? Somehow you got what my attitude should be with my history. I accept people for who they are at face value. I do not make snap judgments because people like to drink, as long as I am not drinking I am doing what I am supposed to do. Keep in mind I am talking about social drinking, not problematic drinking. Problematic drinking is different than how broad your feelings range. quote: I need to find an equilibrium which doesn't mean imposing my preferences to anyone but still makes me stand my ground. I do not crow from the rooftops about my alcoholism, but I am not embarrassed to talk about it either. My next door neighbor drinks a lot, he offered me a rum and coke one day... I turned it down and told him that I would love to have one, but I abused the privilege at one time in my life and so I do not drink any more. He then got this horrified look on his face and apologized profusely to me because he realized I was in sobriety. I looked at him and I laughed and I told him to relax, when I quit drinking all the bars etc. didn't close so if I wanted a drink I would have already had one. I felt no pressure whatsoever and if someone should feel pressure it would be me, not you, the non-drinker. Actually, the person that got more and more uncomfortable was the guy drinking, I was totally fine. quote: In a vanilla context I have less trouble, but I'm struggling on how to adapt it to a potential D/s relationship. I do not believe that you have any more trouble with this in BDSM than you do in Vanilla life. I believe from what you have said that there is something that you aren't saying which is evoking and driving these feelings inside of you. And if you have less trouble in a vanilla context, why all of a sudden with BDSM does it make the problem worse? To me and my way of thinking, it wouldn't change the problem at all... not one little bit. The problem is a perception thing on your part and an unwillingness to simply not put so much power in the hands of something that you ultimately cannot control for others, but you can control it for yourself. You can control how you feel about it and how you react to it. But before you even try to do anything at all, you really need to figure out what drives this, because... quite frankly, barring your own personal substance abuse, religious belief system, alcoholic abuse by people close to you, or puritanical upbringing, there really isn't a truly rational reason for you to care as much or as strongly as you do. If you don't drink and feel that you don't want a partner of yours to drink, then that is what you seek. But you have said some pretty harsh statements which indicates to me that there is some other driving force at work here. My point is, just relax and find a non-drinker... and if that is difficult to find, then either you have to change your way of thinking or be very very patient and hold out for what you ultimately want... but in the meantime, you may be passing by the girl of your dreams simply because she likes to have an occasional drink.

metamorfosis -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 1:17:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HerrKeuner I think that a flat-out prohibition/ forcing her into my standards could have social consequences for my potential submissive: my folks know that I don't drink, but her folks may be puzzled about the sudden change. It's true that I'm her dominant, I wouldn't want to alienate my submissive from her circles. However, as her dominant also, I'd like for her to take example of me. I think it's reasonable to expect this from someone you're in a serious relationship with. If it's that important to you, I'm sure she could offer an acceptable explanation if anyone asked her. Call me naive, but I'd question who she was hanging out with if she'd really be shunned by her acquaintances for not drinking.

areallivehuman -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 3:34:53 PM)
What you perceive as waste, others perceive as fun. I have been on both ends of the spectrum, and if I am not not drinking, I would expect my mate to follow my cue, but I would not forbid her to drink. I would think you would not be compatible with someone who drank regularly. You fight the battles you can win. I am not drinking now. My woman does not drink either. She is welcome to drink if she wishes. If we're out, I'm driving, so she is welcome to have a drink if she wishes. She generally does not, but not always. A submissive should be following your lead from respect, not because you made up a rule about it. I would also suggest you find some different contemporaries. If it made me uncomfortable to be around people who drank, I would not be around them.

metamorfosis -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 3:37:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: areallivehuman I would think you would not be compatible with someone who drank regularly. You fight the battles you can win...A submissive should be following your lead from respect, not because you made up a rule about it...I would also suggest you find some different contemporaries. If it made me uncomfortable to be around people who drank, I would not be around them. So what you're saying is... a dominant should never ask a submissive to do anything that's actually hard.

areallivehuman -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 3:50:28 PM)
I'm saying you shouldn't have to ask.

metamorfosis -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 3:57:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: areallivehuman I'm saying you shouldn't have to ask. Are you saying submissives should either already be perfect or else have ESP? Are you saying dominants should never ask (tell) their submissives to do anything?

Dyfrynt -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 4:07:47 PM)
There is nothing wrong with expecting a sub to stop drinking and/or smoking. But it depends on the power exchange arrangement that was set up at the beginning of the relationship. That part where you both share your desires, hard limits, and parts of their lives that are off limits to each other (if any). I have had subs who smoked and I had the power to tell them to stop, a power which they granted me. I told them to stop. They stopped. My slave drinks socially from time to time. I don't drink myself. And I could tell her she could no longer drink alcohol if I so chose. She drinks in very limited moderation, so I see no reason to deny her a drink out with friends from time to time. If you expect a sub of yours to not drink, you need to make that declaration up front. Then it is in the sub's hands to decide if they are willing to grant you that authority over them.

metamorfosis -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 4:14:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dyfrynt If you expect a sub of yours to not drink, you need to make that declaration up front. Then it is in the sub's hands to decide if they are willing to grant you that authority over them. Are you saying a sub must pre-approve every conceivable order the dominant might give, before their relationship even starts?

metamorfosis -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 4:20:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Gauge You can control how you feel about it and how you react to it. But before you even try to do anything at all, you really need to figure out what drives this, because... quite frankly, barring your own personal substance abuse, religious belief system, alcoholic abuse by people close to you, or puritanical upbringing, there really isn't a truly rational reason for you to care as much or as strongly as you do. Are you saying "because I, as the dominant, wish it" is not a good enough reason? Are you saying a dominant must have a "truly rational reason" for every order the dominant gives the sub?

HerrKeuner -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 4:28:42 PM)
I'm not in a 12-step recovery program and I've never been. My relationship with addictions comes through the support group that I help with in a local charity. The therapists use us as a sort of relays, since they're both retired people in their 60's and they feel there is an age gap that we can help with. I've seen different kinds of forms of addictive conducts: usually it's alcohol, drugs and self-harm, though problem videogame playing is on the rise too. From what we see in the group, an addiction tends to be linked with problems at home and at school, and the addictive behavior is a way to cope with those feelings. Most of them will tell you that "it soothes me" or "it helps me go through the day" but they still hide and feel shame about the addictive conduct, which deterred them from asking for help. That means that it disempowered them, and made them fall deeper into the addictive conduct because they felt even less confident. So, when I hear the usual "alcohol helps you calm down" or "helps loosen your tongue" ideas (which have been said to me more times than I can count), I can't help thinking of the cutter for whom slicing her wrist "soothes her" and "clears her mind". The idea is basically the same: you're shy/introverted, so you should use a "quick fix" (an idiom which, unsurprisingly, is part of the drug users' jargon) instead of getting help and dealing with your own problems from the root, should they exist in the first place. Also, I'm having the feeling that you think I'm militantly against alcohol when it is not the case. Do I drink? No. Does it bug me when people tell me repeteadly that I should drink because of [insert ideas from above]? Yes. But that's it. You won't see me telling anyone else not to drink; you won't see me advocating for any alcohol ban or any war on any drugs for that matter; you won't see me suggesting that the people around me who drink don't do it in front of me. Those three things would be what I'd call a militant attitude, but a reactive one: I don't act on the matter until I'm asked or egged on about it. And in fact, I'm coming to the idea that such a reactive attitude is the best stance I can take regarding a potential submissive. I still won't drink, I won't buy her drinks, and if she asks about the matter I'll expose my point of view on the matter, leaving her the freedom to choose what to do.

kalikshama -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 4:33:50 PM)
I think you would be happier with a non-drinker and should hold out for one. Or a current light drinker who is willing to forego. I've ended many relationships due to my partner's alcoholism. It's just not something you can work around.

Gauge -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 4:39:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: areallivehuman What you perceive as waste, others perceive as fun. I have been on both ends of the spectrum, and if I am not not drinking, I would expect my mate to follow my cue, but I would not forbid her to drink. I would think you would not be compatible with someone who drank regularly. You fight the battles you can win. I am not drinking now. My woman does not drink either. She is welcome to drink if she wishes. If we're out, I'm driving, so she is welcome to have a drink if she wishes. She generally does not, but not always. A submissive should be following your lead from respect, not because you made up a rule about it. I would also suggest you find some different contemporaries. If it made me uncomfortable to be around people who drank, I would not be around them. Wait.. what? Why would you expect someone to follow your cue? Just because you do it? Seriously? Guys stand up to pee. Women should stand to pee too because they should follow our cue. If the guy isn't comfortable being with people that drink, that is fine, he should not look for a partner that drinks... ever. If he chooses to get involved with someone that drinks and they have not talked about the fact that he doesn't like drinking, then how the hell is she supposed to know that? Follow his cue? Why would she? Because she is a submissive and we, as dominants, shouldn't have to ask? This is part of this BDSM wannabe bullshit that really amazes me. Edited to add: I cut out a significant part of a rant. I am using the rant to open a thread in the General BDSM forum. Please stop by and put your two cents there if you would be so kind. If I am still able to edit this post after setting up that thread, I will link it.

littlewonder -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 6:25:11 PM)
Meh. Master doesn't drink at all but he doesn't care one way or the other if I have a few drinks from time to time. When we go out to eat I will sometimes order a drink or two. During the holidays I have a few. When I go out on business trips I will have a glass of wine with clients over an evening dinner. Then there are times I will have a few when I'm stressed or angry or upset about something or if I've had a rough, long day. It just helps to relax me. It doesn't bother Master one tiny bit. But I also don't abuse it. I'm not an alcoholic. If I was he wouldn't be with me. But it simply does not tempt him or bother him. But you seem to be of an extreme temperament about alcohol so imo, you should wait and find a girl who thinks the same as yourself. Believe me, I've met plenty of them. You said you partake in a charity. Haven't met any girls there? What about church if you go? That's where I met lots and lots of girls who did not drink at all. I also have girls in my family who feel exactly as you do. So there are more around than you think. They just don't go around announcing it from the rooftops. It's a non-issue to them. It's about the same as getting up in the morning and taking a piss. It's just normal. The way you seem so worried about this, to me it sounds like there's more going on with you than just what you have told us.

Gauge -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 6:45:42 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder Meh. Master doesn't drink at all but he doesn't care one way or the other if I have a few drinks from time to time. When we go out to eat I will sometimes order a drink or two. During the holidays I have a few. When I go out on business trips I will have a glass of wine with clients over an evening dinner. Then there are times I will have a few when I'm stressed or angry or upset about something or if I've had a rough, long day. It just helps to relax me. It doesn't bother Master one tiny bit. But I also don't abuse it. I'm not an alcoholic. If I was he wouldn't be with me. But it simply does not tempt him or bother him. But you seem to be of an extreme temperament about alcohol so imo, you should wait and find a girl who thinks the same as yourself. Believe me, I've met plenty of them. You said you partake in a charity. Haven't met any girls there? What about church if you go? That's where I met lots and lots of girls who did not drink at all. I also have girls in my family who feel exactly as you do. So there are more around than you think. They just don't go around announcing it from the rooftops. It's a non-issue to them. It's about the same as getting up in the morning and taking a piss. It's just normal. The way you seem so worried about this, to me it sounds like there's more going on with you than just what you have told us. I like you. We think alike... at least with this we do. Please take a pat on the back out of petty cash. [:)]

DesFIP -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 8:22:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: metamorfosis quote: ORIGINAL: areallivehuman I would think you would not be compatible with someone who drank regularly. You fight the battles you can win...A submissive should be following your lead from respect, not because you made up a rule about it...I would also suggest you find some different contemporaries. If it made me uncomfortable to be around people who drank, I would not be around them. So what you're saying is... a dominant should never ask a submissive to do anything that's actually hard. We're saying that relationships last better when there's a lot of compatibility and agreement. And where is it written that to be a submissive you have to be miserable most of the time? Personally, I think the op needs new friends who don't drink much either. I've been in the past to parties where people pushed heavy drinking. I stopped going. If I had to go, I found ways to get around that. "I had a really salty lunch, first I need a glass of water and then I'll get a drink". And I learned to get a half a glass of white wine and then refill it with ginger ale which looks the same. But being forced to use such subterfuge is unpleasant. I prefer not to be with people who make me have to resort to this but who want my company more than they want someone else to drink with.

SeekingTrinity -> RE: Different stances on drinking alcohol (9/17/2013 9:04:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HerrKeuner I'm a dominant. I'm not sure how to deal with this case, so I'm asking other dominants for ideas. I do not drink alcohol, nor do I approve of its usage due to my philosophical stance. However, I'm aware that I'm in the minority, so it's probable that the potential submissives that I can get to know will not share my views about the matter (i.e. they'l drink socially, or they'll like wine and beer when they eat). My doubt is how to deal with these circumstances: I think that a flat-out prohibition/ forcing her into my standards could have social consequences for my potential submissive: my folks know that I don't drink, but her folks may be puzzled about the sudden change. It's true that I'm her dominant, I wouldn't want to alienate my submissive from her circles. However, as her dominant also, I'd like for her to take example of me. How would you deal/have you dealt with this questio? I haven't read the whole thread, so mea culpa if I repeat some gem someone else already said... OP, if your stance against alcohol is that strong...spare yourself and your potential the hassle and just specifically look for someone who feels the same way you do. It's a lot better in the long run to find someone who looks at the world through a lens similar to yours than it is to try to force someone to see things your way who might not share the same view. If you aren't careful, you can create a soil that is slowly being salted with the crystals of resentment. It eventually will destroy what you build.

Page: << < prev 1 [2] 3 4 5 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.0625