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If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:35:29 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I find myself in an odd situation (especially, maybe, for someone on a bdsm website). Or maybe it's not that odd (which is why I am writing). Any constructive advice or opinions are appreciated.

I am in a "healing phase" and really am trying to stick with my self-imposed rule of no sex with anyone I really care about (or think I could sometime) right now (until I am ready, which may be a couple of months).

I have someone who has become a very dear friend and now they want me to do them. I don't want to (well, I actually do but I'm not going to) - and said that and now they are hurt and mad at me. I sent them flowers, but don't know if it will help). I am female - and there are times I can turn my emotions on and off like a water faucet to facilitate "no strings" sex I guess, but they are few and far between. I tried to explain to this person that:

1) If we do this, I promise you I will probably become (more) attached to you. Sure you're ready for that? I'm not.

2) And if I really end up liking you even more than ever I will practically become a stalker - want that? I am not sure I do. I don't want to hurt them and they don't seem aware of how big a psycho I might become if I am not ready (do I have to prove it? Hope not). As far as me "wanting them" or not - I certainly do - and I said if they knew how much they'd maybe be blown away (this was probably stupid of me, but I was trying to assure them this isn't about them, it's about me - just this once).

They aren't really (I don't think) taking what I say all that seriously because they seem like they are just saying what I want to hear. I haven't dated anyone in years and I do forget how this works. I don't want them to just say what they think I want to hear - I want them to be honest (with themselves and with me. Maybe they are being honest).

My question: Maybe Harry (of the movie "Harry and Sally") was right. Can men and women ever really be 'just friends'? Maybe I am just being unreasonable? We have good conversation and can connect on so many other levels. I hope they don't stay mad. Is it wrong to for me to want true friendship? I realize it can be boring if that's "all there is" - am I being unreasonable?

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/1/2006 2:42:07 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

Post #: 1

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:39:46 PM

TxBadMan

Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline

quote:

My question: Maybe Harry (of the movie "Harry and Sally") was right. Can men and women ever really be 'just friends'? Maybe I am just being unreasonable? We have good conversation and can connect on so many other levels. I hope they don't stay mad. Is it wrong to for me to want true friendship? I realize it can be boring if that's "all there is" - am I being unreasonable?

I believe so. My best friend is Cassandra ( Tikkiee ), and yet, our relationship ended almost 6 months ago. We still live in the same house together; still see each other every day; still go out once in awhile together. Our friendship did not suffer when our relationship ended, if anything, it became stronger.

_____________________________

Chris

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 2

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:42:08 PM

zenofeller

Posts: 463
Joined: 6/10/2006
Status: offline

do him.

(in reply to TxBadMan)

Post #: 3

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:42:22 PM

Caretakr

Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline

Women are people to me, not just happen stance carriers of vaginas. Too many people in our culture have bought into the idea that sex equals love and intimacy, it does not.

Having read yor profile, you have been widowed only some months ago. It's going to take time to heal from that.

Just tell this friend that casual sex and you aren't buddies-and if he can't understand that-at least you were honest.

< Message edited by Caretakr -- 7/1/2006 2:43:45 PM >

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 4

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:42:44 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Susan,

My heart goes out to you because even though things weren't the best between your hubby and you does not negate the terrible grief you must feel at his loss. I will say only this, if he was really a friend he wouldnt demand you to service him unless you were ready for that. If he was your friend he wouldn't demand reasons for your refusal or dangle your friendship as something to be lost for not "putting out" for him.

You are in a vunerable place right now, do not let someone use that to manipulate you into a headspace you are not ready for... be true to yourself. If this person is really a friend he will respect your feelings.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 5

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:45:29 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I know people have things like _k buddies, but I don't know if I want to turn him into one (he means more than that to me). I imagine many men just laugh inside when they hear this kind of talk (is that true? Do you?)

Thanks for the opinions - nice to know it can work out as friends. I probably will do him (just maybe not now, if he lets me)...

-Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/1/2006 3:04:33 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to TxBadMan)

Post #: 6

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:46:59 PM

zenofeller

Posts: 463
Joined: 6/10/2006
Status: offline

theere you go.maybe you can tell him something along the lines of... you can have it right now, but once. or you can wait a while and have it forever.

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 7

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:48:09 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I think so too (I sent flowers because I am afraid I hurt his feelings). God I am a duck just waiting to be shot, probably. I think he senses this, but am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt (and we really are freinds). And he's being "honest" (maybe). But it still makes me feel backed into a corner.Thanks julia.

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/1/2006 3:13:30 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 8

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:49:42 PM

TxBadMan

Posts: 198
Joined: 4/7/2006
From: Moody, Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I know people have things like _k buddies, but I don't know if I want to turn him into one (he means more than that to me). I imagine many men just laugh inside when they hear this kind of talk (is that true? Do you?)

Thanks for the opinions - nice to know it can work out as friends. I probably will do him (just maybe not now, if he lets me)...

-Susan

Men, women...are still just people. We all have faults, and sometimes we speak or act without thinking. Perhaps your friend did this? As others have said, I would stick to my guns. If they are truly your friends, they will understand.

_____________________________

Chris

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 9

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:50:15 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

That could work - it would tell me where he's at with our friendship, too (if he even knows. I sure as hell don't). Thanks. - Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to zenofeller)

Post #: 10

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:51:56 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks to all for opinions - it is (much) appreciated.

-Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Caretakr)

Post #: 11

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 2:54:44 PM

enlightened

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/4/2004
Status: offline

"If you really cared about me, you'd do me."

This line is enough to send me into a rant. Men who have actually tried this line on me became history...fast. This equates to emotional blackmail in my book.

Stand your ground.

(in reply to zenofeller)

Post #: 12

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:00:03 PM

LTRsubNW

Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I am in a "healing phase" and really am trying to stick with my self-imposed rule of no sex with anyone I really care about (or think I could sometime) right now (until I am ready, which may be a couple of months).

You don't care about me do you?

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 13

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:01:22 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

Thanks I guess that's why I am writing - I can feel myself slipping (not because of the sex part, because of the "I want to save this friendship" part, truly). I thought it was maybe manipulative (I've used it once or twice myself, though - just kidding) - it did put make me feel emotionally cornered - what am I supposed to say to that? If he thinks I don't want to - he is wrong.

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/1/2006 3:02:41 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to enlightened)

Post #: 14

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:09:08 PM

ray64

Posts: 18
Joined: 12/15/2005
From: Tahlequah Ok.
Status: offline

First, My sincerest condolences for your loss.
Second , You do need to begin the journey of healing but at your own pace don't ever let someone lay a guilt trip on you to get "your pants off". While the first step of any journey is one of the hardest it is necessary to begin this one. You need to get back in the world and discover there are some pretty nice people out there and hopefully you will find the happiness you seek along the way. I am saying this as an older brother of 5 sisters. What you do, when you do it, and how you do it is up to you. Only you know if you are ready or if this is even right for you. Listen to yourself and analize, study, evaluate then act. Personally I would not think much of anyone laying on a guilt trip after what you have been through, though I am sure there is more to it and I am quite possibly in error. Step back, take a breath, and answer yourself honestly. If this guy is a" possible or potential future" then best of luck. I am no shrink, what I am is a man that has a habbit of being a brother, friend and a very proud slave of My Mistress.
Best of luck.

_____________________________

Ray
Collared Slave
of Mistress Brandye
(Dommeseeksone)
1/22/06

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 15

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:14:35 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

You evil opportunist (he).

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LTRsubNW)

Post #: 16

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:18:33 PM

LTRsubNW

Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

You evil opportunist (he).

- Susan

Yes but, let's just be clear...I'm perfectly fine with complete, total and utter disdain, so long as there is nekkidness involved (of course, my nekkidness won't do much for me so we'll have to negotiate a bit on this aspect).

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 17

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:19:57 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania
If he was your friend he wouldn't demand reasons for your refusal or dangle your friendship as something to be lost for not "putting out" for him.

You are in a vunerable place right now, do not let someone use that to manipulate you into a headspace you are not ready for... be true to yourself. If this person is really a friend he will respect your feelings.

Julia is right, Susan. If he can't understand, then either he really isn't your friend, or he's a manipulative little turkey. As for men and women being friends, you bet they can. My best friend is a woman, and I've had quite a few platonic, deep relationships with women. Some of them I lusted after lol, some I didn't. That didn't affect how I otherwise felt about them, and I certainly didn't demand sex from them.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 18

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:24:34 PM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

That is very encouraging to hear, Level. Thank you.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 19

RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:27:58 PM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Absolutely! men and women can be friends, very close best friends and sex never enters the picture, and the relationship is not boring at all because of that.

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to SusanofO)

Post #: 20

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