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RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:29:50 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I will say only this, if he was really a friend he wouldnt demand you to service him unless you were ready for that. If he was your friend he wouldn't demand reasons for your refusal or dangle your friendship as something to be lost for not "putting out" for him.

You are in a vunerable place right now, do not let someone use that to manipulate you into a headspace you are not ready for... be true to yourself. If this person is really a friend he will respect your feelings.


Okay Julia, I'm just not sure why I bother to post here anymore. LOL You alwasy say exactly what i was going to say. It's frightening sometimes.

OP, I concur. Pressuring someone for sex is NOT loving behaviour. Don't let anyone take advantage of your kind heart.

As for being friends...Well, my ex is one of my best friends. We do still still play but even if we didn't we'd be close. It's possible when both parties really work at being compassionate and honest.

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

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(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:38:06 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline 		hmmm, well, first off if he's trying to guilt you into sex. Expect him to lay guilt trips on you all the time. He's showing you how he gets what he wants. So, you understand that and are comfortable being controlled that way..

Second can guys be friends with women, without sex getting in the way. Well, yes and no. If the guy isn't physically attracted. Yes. If the guy has a girlfriend, it makes it easier, if she is attractive. If the guy hasn't had sex in six months, he's probably going to try to hump anything he has a chance to. So, you can be friends but don't expect him never to try to. Doesn't mean you couldn't be friends though.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:43:28 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you very much (good point about laying on the guilt trips - I hadn't thought of that).

-Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to NeedToUseYou)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:44:38 PM   
Wulfchyld


Posts: 2618
Joined: 12/7/2005
Status: offline 		Susan if he really cared about you he would do your laundry.

_____________________________

Loki, forum god of Mischief

Submission is not a gift... it is plunder!
Where there is a whip, there is a way!
Dom/mes of a feather, beat the f*ck out of slaves together


(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:44:53 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		sweetie, dont do this, your spidy sense are tingling, and if you really care about him, and your self you will honor your intuition.
 
Dr. joy brown says give it a year....i did not believe her, but i trust her on other things so i gritted my teeth and did a whole year...and i am so glad i did, i cant tell you why, it would be like trying to describe a sunset, but i can say that from this place in my life i am so much more clear, focused and healed....
 
what i can say is, that we have intuition for a reason, remember my beautiful boy? i had a very strong feeling not to see him that night, and i know for a fact that that night was a very unusual night, and that we would most likely still be together if i had only listened...
 
this guy may be hurt, but if he goes away then he was not worth you betraying yourself, and if he stays as you are very clearly seeing, you run the risk of becoming unhealthily attached because fucking and loving is way more fun the grieving and healing....
 
but you have to ask you self what is important? do you want your next life partnership based in a premise of escaping pain, betraying your intuition, and caving to guilt? or would you prefer to have it based in fluid communication, honest self evaluation, self honoring and wholeness?
 
your friend Amy

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:45:16 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

Susan if he really cared about you he would do your laundry.


LOL

(in reply to Wulfchyld)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:45:59 PM   
BuxomGoddess714


Posts: 91
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: So.California
Status: offline 		Dear Susan,
I feel for you in your loss.  Take the time you need to heal and reflect.  Explain to your friend that any romantic, sexual, bdsm encounter you'd engage in right now would have no foundation from which to be secure.  And he means too much to you to be used as a rebound.  I am in similar situations right now, and I found the best thing I have said was

"It means You are special if I am hanging out with You and NOT playing with You.  It means I see a future for us and do not want to screw it up while I am going thru all of this."

Anyone who really cares about YOU and wants anything more then a superficial relationship will take this as the highest of compliments and move closer to you in all other ways but sexual.  There is plenty of time for that and its as cheap and easy for a beautiful woman to get as oxygen.  When you have suffered a loss you need friendship, understanding and people who will quel your fears of loss, abandonment, loneliness and security. He can help do that or he can think about himself and his own needs.  

I'm finding out who really loves me and who was just using me.  Its becoming very clear, very simple, very fast. When I finally decide Who I will be with it will be someone I can truly count on.  Protect your heart, honey.  Be open to real people who care about you and love you, but don't let anyone rush you into something you aren't ready for.

Be blessed,
Goddess

(in reply to ray64)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:46:04 PM   
TxBlkMistress


Posts: 337
Joined: 8/21/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

My question: Maybe Harry (of the movie "Harry and Sally") was right. Can men and women ever really be 'just friends'?  Maybe I am just being unreasonable? We have good conversation and can connect on so many other levels. I hope they don't stay mad. Is it wrong to for me to want true friendship? I realize it can be boring if that's "all there is" - am I being unreasonable?

- Susan


Seems to me if it's a "true" friendship shouldn't be boring whether there is sex,bdsm or not.  That's a good way to tell if someone really cares or not.  They should be happy just being with me as I am with them.  Also, I don't know one of my true friends that would have such a tantrum.   If they are true friends they would not blackmail you by withholding their friendship.

Don't be manipulated...stand your ground...do things when "you" get ready.  If he is not there when you are ready, I think you just saved yourself a lot of future heartache.

_____________________________

Being Domme it is a way of life for me, not a kink, but it's not the only thing that defines me. Get to know me as person, you might like what you find.

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:50:00 PM   
NeedToUseYou


Posts: 2297
Joined: 12/24/2005
From: None of your business
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

Susan if he really cared about you he would do your laundry.


Actually, I'm thinking he'd jump at the chance to swipe a few sets of panties.

(in reply to Wulfchyld)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 3:54:34 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

My question: Maybe Harry (of the movie "Harry and Sally") was right. Can men and women ever really be 'just friends'?  Maybe I am just being unreasonable? We have good conversation and can connect on so many other levels. I hope they don't stay mad. Is it wrong to for me to want true friendship? I realize it can be boring if that's "all there is" - am I being unreasonable?

- Susan

Some people can be friends with the other gender.  Some can't.

The issue with this situation is that this guy not only pressured you to have sex but then DID NOT RESPECT YOUR ANSWER.

Why you are even continuing to consider doing this after that boggles me.  You sent him flowers?????  Because he got pissed at you saying no to sex?

That's pretty much the clearest example I've ever seen of someone entering doormat territory.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 4:00:36 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		The only way I've managed to keep some females as friends has been to assume the big brother cuddle bear role. If they were that close they'd know I'd break my own heart before breaking faith and trust with them..Justa matter of honour and what I believe to be right really, no biggie.. 

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 4:28:13 PM   
Kree


Posts: 118
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		LA

Very good points.  This is not a friend.  A friend would respect your need to sort through the various issues you have faced without trying to pressure you into getting naked for him.  I do not understand sending him flowers... HE is the one that should be jumping through hoops for making unreasonable demands.  A friend is someone that accepts your needs and your issues without trying to use them for personal satisfaction.  His routine reminds me of high school days when it was like a battle plan to get into someone's pants.  If you feel there is friendship potential there, keep flying around that flame... when you realize there is a user feeding the fire, fly away from the flame before you allow it to burn you.

_____________________________

Author of "Nytewhispers"

Power whispers, it has no reason to yell

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 4:52:17 PM   
CaptainOfUranus


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/1/2006
Status: offline 		Hi Susan,

Sorry for your recent loss; things must still be tough.

First off, what do you want out of this thing with this person? Sounds to me like you aren't sure (which makes good sense given your emotional situation). If you aren't sure then you obviously shouldn't "do him".

One, your being unfair to him (unless he is just trying to get laid, and given your situation he'd have to be quite the opportunist).
Two, It's definitely unfair to you, because you aren't ready; you've stated this.
Three, don't have sex with anyone for "them"... (unless you were thinking on giving me a rather unexpected early B-day gift... Then that would be okay)... But, have sex with another person for you, and in your time, when it's right for you inside your head. Just because someone has "been there for you" doesn't mean that they haven't been hoping to get something for it and just waiting for an opportunity.

Just my two cents...

Cap'n

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 5:05:54 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		My best friends in life have been men.  My husbands best friends have been women.  It can work but not if one is trying to manipulate the other.  He can be a true friend and wait or be a jerk. Either way you get to make the decision and making decisions while grieving is very difficult.  Stick to how you feel and try to remember that right now is the time to take care of yourself not someone else.  (Unless of course that someone else becomes totally awsome and irresistably attractive to you).  Emotional blackmail is not pretty.  And quite frankly i think that is what is going on. 

(in reply to swtnsparkling)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 5:24:33 PM   
jonathan


Posts: 196
Joined: 8/5/2004
Status: offline 		Susan, first i have to tell you that i love your signature, not because of the Dickinson, but because the quote reminds me of an old Woody Allen book title, a take off, "Without Feathers". Wherein the "thing with feathers" is not hope, but his crazy cousin in Brooklyn. Hope it gives you a smile. And i enjoy your posts very much.

i have a very, very dear female friend of about 15 years, that i alluded to in another thread you're on, that will not consider me because i wish TPE Ownership. She wanted to stay friends. We have, and i am now very happy being under consideration by GoddessDustyGold. And they would be close friends if they ever met, so i know i'm internally consistent. And, i am of this mind, too:

" 1) If we do this, I promise you I will probably become (more) attached to you. "

Been there, suffered that. Yes, we can be friends with those of a mind that we seek, just don't let 'em spank ya first and start the attachment. Keep it social.


_____________________________

jonathan
http://www.slaveregister.com/000-515-587

"But in purple, i am stunning!"
"Before You slip into unconsciousness, i'd like to have another kiss, another flashing chance at bliss, another kiss, another kiss"

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 5:26:59 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		I appreciate the responses people. I don't think he's taking me seriously as he just challenged me to a: Stalking contest.

He bet me he could out-do me in that arena (he knows I have a competitive streak). I laughed a lot, but I think underneath it all he was serious. I told him I'd have to get back to him (I really am trying to keep this friendship viable - and I told him that, too). I do appreciate the feed-back people - thank you so much (you don't know how much). I am so glad these message boards exist. I don't object to people having _ck buddies, I just don't think he understands "where I'm at" right now.

Thinks he can out-do me in the stalking department. He's an amatuer - he hasn't seen stalking til he's seen my stalking. Hehe. I am not taking him up on it however (I am really not). I think we need a few days break from seeing eachother maybe (I like him a lot, but am afraid I just may take him up on it and then he might be sorry, and I might be too). Thanks for listening - it helps - a lot. 

- Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/1/2006 5:37:57 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to diamonddreamlove)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 5:44:27 PM   
Kree


Posts: 118
Joined: 6/13/2006
Status: offline 		Why dont you challenge him to a Class contest?  Class is a friend being a friend, not someone looking for cute games to entice an outcome.  From the actions we have heard about, looks to me like he would not do well in a Class contest.

_____________________________

Author of "Nytewhispers"

Power whispers, it has no reason to yell

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 6:04:59 PM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you - I am going to most likely use that suggestion. I appreciate it.

-Susan

< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/1/2006 6:05:28 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Kree)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 7:04:43 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		That's a good reason not to let this get any further than it's already gone.  At least you have the self-awareness to recognize that you'd behave this way.  Losing a (questionable) friend is a small price to pay from saving yourself the agony of becoming a psycho.  Anyone who has been plagued by a stalker knows how much that sucks, but it HAS to be worse for the stalker.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

2) And if I really end up liking you even more than ever I will practically become a stalker - want that? I am not sure I do. I don't want to hurt them and they don't seem aware of how big a psycho I might become if I am not ready (do I have to prove it? Hope not).

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me - 7/1/2006 8:15:53 PM   
YourhandMyAss


Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		If they were a true friend they would not be doing what they are. They are being a manipulative ass and not a true friend. They should respect your descion and your need to do what you're doing. T
quote:

ORIGINAL: SusanofO

I

I have someone who has become a very dear friend and now they want me to do them. I don't want to (well, I actually do but I'm not going to) - and said that and now they are hurt and mad at me.- Susan

(in reply to SusanofO)
Profile   Post #: 40
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