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Dangerous Doms? - 10/26/2013 5:48:19 PM   
AussieinDubai


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/13/2010
Status: offline 		I am writing a "Guide to BDSM", which began as an overview of BDSM I wrote for curious vanilla folk, which has now turned into a much larger book. I am including a chapter for novice subs, with a lot of information on safety, how to handle the first meeting, and the danger signs to look out for. Can anyone think of anything that I should include? What should set the alarm bells off?
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/26/2013 6:15:50 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai
What should set the alarm bells off?

Self-proclaimed experts white-knighting.

100% serious answer. The incidental snark is just a bonus for the internet.

I don't expect you'll be satisfied with this response. If you aren't, you could spend 10 minutes on Google and find literally thousands of pages on this topic. It's one of the most popular let's-bitch-about-this-now subjects in both BDSM and dating in general.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/26/2013 7:01:27 PM   
Spiritedsub2


Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline 		If I didn't know the answers, I wouldn't be writing the book.

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/26/2013 8:00:11 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

If I didn't know the answers, I wouldn't be writing the book.


^^^ Good point.

Not to mention that I always find male Dominants warning female submissives how to beware of other male Dominants to be self serving.

Until you've walked a mile in our shoes and all that.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/26/2013 8:28:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Healthy people choose healthy partners. If you choose bad vanilla partners, you'll choose bad bdsm partners.

Basically: Physician heal thyself. Or it's easier to see the mote in another's eye than the beam in your own.

The fact that you can't get a partner says more than anything that this is laughable.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/26/2013 8:45:22 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai

I am writing a "Guide to BDSM", which began as an overview of BDSM I wrote for curious vanilla folk, which has now turned into a much larger book. I am including a chapter for novice subs, with a lot of information on safety, how to handle the first meeting, and the danger signs to look out for. Can anyone think of anything that I should include? What should set the alarm bells off?


One line to add....if you can't get a vanilla date you will never get a bdsm date.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/26/2013 11:15:35 PM   
evesgrden


Posts: 597
Joined: 6/9/2012
Status: offline

Perhaps you should be the student before being the teacher.

_____________________________

What you permit, you promote.

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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 1:50:15 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		FR

I think the same skills in personal safety apply regardless of the kink leanings of both parties. If you maintain your personal standards and your common sense, there's no reason to consider a dominant any more of a risk to you than any other date.

Those folks who run into problems are those who get all excited by the prospect of their kinks and throw their brain out of the window. They believe that somehow normal relationship rules do not apply and so accept things they would never accept from a new vanilla partner. Users and abusers and just plain toxic people exist just as much in the vanilla world as they do in the BDSM world and if you switch off your filters because you read some dirty story that told you how a 'real' dom and a 'true' sub should act, there's no surprise if you end up in a shitty relationship. Likewise, closely related to what LW said, if you have poor relationship skills to begin with, you're going to struggle in a BDSM relationship too.

People should remember that BDSM relationships are still just relationships, and as such they are all different. Laugh at any one who tells you there is one right way to do it, because they're either as clueless as you are, or they are actively trying to manipulate you into getting what they want. And yes, be wary of folks who want to save or protect you. Their motives are usually suspect.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to evesgrden)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 3:37:39 AM   
TigressLily


Posts: 436
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AthenaSurrenders

FR

I think the same skills in personal safety apply regardless of the kink leanings of both parties. If you maintain your personal standards and your common sense, there's no reason to consider a dominant any more of a risk to you than any other date.

Those folks who run into problems are those who get all excited by the prospect of their kinks and throw their brain out of the window. They believe that somehow normal relationship rules do not apply and so accept things they would never accept from a new vanilla partner. Users and abusers and just plain toxic people exist just as much in the vanilla world as they do in the BDSM world and if you switch off your filters because you read some dirty story that told you how a 'real' dom and a 'true' sub should act, there's no surprise if you end up in a shitty relationship. Likewise, closely related to what LW said, if you have poor relationship skills to begin with, you're going to struggle in a BDSM relationship too.

People should remember that BDSM relationships are still just relationships, and as such they are all different. Laugh at any one who tells you there is one right way to do it, because they're either as clueless as you are, or they are actively trying to manipulate you into getting what they want. And yes, be wary of folks who want to save or protect you. Their motives are usually suspect.


^ ^ ^

(I don't think I have a single thing to add which could improve on that, Athena.)

_____________________________

That Orbed Maiden with White Fire Layden
Whom Mortals Shall Call the Moon ~ Lord Byron
She Moves in Mysterious Ways . . . On Your Knees, Boy. ~ U2

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 9:49:26 AM   
AussieinDubai


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/13/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for the shower of abuse. Under the laws of the U.A.E., if a woman goes to the police complaining of something that might have been done, she will be immediately charged with adultery, which is illegal here. Unless she can find four Muslim men to testify on her behalf, she will certainly be facing a jail sentence. The guide I was writing is intended specifically for Westerners living in Muslim countries, as I can't find anything online or in the book collection to cover this specific situation.

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 9:52:17 AM   
OvrThRainbow


Posts: 56
Joined: 1/2/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai

Thanks for the shower of abuse. Under the laws of the U.A.E., if a woman goes to the police complaining of something that might have been done, she will be immediately charged with adultery, which is illegal here. Unless she can find four Muslim men to testify on her behalf, she will certainly be facing a jail sentence. The guide I was writing is intended specifically for Westerners living in Muslim countries, as I can't find anything online or in the book collection to cover this specific situation.



Well, you didn't mention in your OP that this was in reference to kink in the U.A.E. That's a whole 'nother kettle of fish.

_____________________________

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."
~Lao Tzu

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 9:53:11 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai

The guide I was writing is intended specifically for Westerners living in Muslim countries, as I can't find anything online or in the book collection to cover this specific situation.


Well, why didn't you specify that in the first place?

There's someone on the boards called ashjor that's a male Dom living in Arab countries. But I don't think anyone else here has set foot in an Arabic country.

Sorry, but I don't think we could provide you with much help.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 10:06:51 AM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai

Thanks for the shower of abuse. Under the laws of the U.A.E., if a woman goes to the police complaining of something that might have been done, she will be immediately charged with adultery, which is illegal here. Unless she can find four Muslim men to testify on her behalf, she will certainly be facing a jail sentence. The guide I was writing is intended specifically for Westerners living in Muslim countries, as I can't find anything online or in the book collection to cover this specific situation.

imo it would have helped a lot if you had stated that yer book was specifically for Westerners living in Muslim countries.. that is a very different spin on things, I would say.. I do expect there might be a need for such a book although I would also expect that Westerners would have the tendency to either not seek out such advice or that they would learn of it after the fact when they run into trouble.. I would include a chapter on getting out of trouble in addition to the chapters on avoiding trouble in the first place.. I would also suggest you use a pseudonym/pen name as author!..

_____________________________

As Anderson Cooper said “If he (Trump) took a dump on his desk, you would defend it”

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 10:34:07 AM   
DomMeinCT


Posts: 2355
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai

Thanks for the shower of abuse. Under the laws of the U.A.E., if a woman goes to the police complaining of something that might have been done, she will be immediately charged with adultery, which is illegal here. Unless she can find four Muslim men to testify on her behalf, she will certainly be facing a jail sentence. The guide I was writing is intended specifically for Westerners living in Muslim countries, as I can't find anything online or in the book collection to cover this specific situation.


Enjoy your self-inflicted outrage over the fact that this isn't the CollarMe Clairvoyant Boards.

_____________________________

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
~ Carl Jung

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 10:35:15 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai
I can't find anything online or in the book collection to cover this specific situation.

This was link #4 for me on the Google search "westerners dating in muslim countries."

http://philasify101.blogspot.de/2012/10/6-creepy-muslim-men-all-women-should.html

I'm sure there are 70 bajillion more links. Probably some have value, while others do not. But this has to be right at the top of the list of "female expat problems."

Please add, "RedMagic1 thinks you are a liar," to your torrent of abuse.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 10:54:35 AM   
singlemaltlady


Posts: 38
Joined: 10/22/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai

Thanks for the shower of abuse. Under the laws of the U.A.E., if a woman goes to the police complaining of something that might have been done, she will be immediately charged with adultery, which is illegal here. Unless she can find four Muslim men to testify on her behalf, she will certainly be facing a jail sentence. The guide I was writing is intended specifically for Westerners living in Muslim countries, as I can't find anything online or in the book collection to cover this specific situation.


The "shower of abuse" is definitely a favorite of some posters here. My first advice to a new poster is that they should read the forums for a few weeks before posting anything. In that way, they can see who habitually tries to lift themselves up by stepping on others. Some just criticize the person for asking a question. Some think that because therapy worked for them, that it's the great panacea for all. Some are ignorant, rude and limited in their views. There are some who are so empty, they say they are in a relationship (and the poster is not, or worse, just had their heart broken) and therefore, they are healthier (superior) to the OP. So, if a newbie reads ahead of time and sees a post that attempts to humiliate those who ask questions or share a belief, they can dismiss that input by hitting the hide button at the left, bottom corner of their post. Voila! Problem mostly solved. This leaves time to pay attention to the reasonable, respectful posts offered by the majority of posters here.

About research for your "guide." This forum is a mixed bag of levels of experience, knowledge and perspectives. Research is a formal process that requires diligence. Sorting out the veracity of information is impossible on a social website. The 3 viewpoints you get may be all coming from one person behind 3 screen names.

I don't fault posters for not stating their original post in a perfectly clear way... some people gain clarity when others ask them to be more specific. For instance, I think you see an unfulfilled need (BDSM guide for the U.A. E.), but as a writer and as a BDSM community member, your OP does not reflect an expertise of either. The first rule of writing a book is that the author be acknowledged as being an authority on the subject. Without knowing more, I can't be certain of your preparedness, but the NCSF can be discovered through a few seconds of google searching. It's a good place to find leads.

After reading your posts, I am still unclear if your guide is meant to be a kink "how to," or a legal guide. What is the goal you are trying to reach by writing a guide?

The lack of clarity, experience and knowledge of research hints at a student project. That happens sometimes here. Just sayin' - but it's a forum and you can always correct that, if appropriate. I'm talking about the image you are conveying, because really, that's all there is here to respond to.

BTW, after you hide a poster, it can be fun to un-hide them once in a while to see they are repeating their vile to someone else. It's good for a laugh and it confirms the choice to dismiss them in the first place.

All the best in your pursuit.

ETA bold on NCSF


< Message edited by singlemaltlady -- 10/27/2013 11:16:25 AM >

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 11:10:19 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: singlemaltlady
The lack of clarity, experience and knowledge of research hints at a student project.

It better fits the living stereotype of the dominant man who isn't getting much action, so he positions himself as "protector" and "guide" to new and vulnerable sub women. (Despite having no real qualifications for the job.) It's a standard lifestyle motif.

Interestingly, singlemaltlady, I find this thread much more "rape-y" than the other one we both posted in, which you found more rape-y than creepy.

At any rate, I'm going outside for a while. I hope you and everyone else, even the OP, have a good day.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to singlemaltlady)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 11:29:58 AM   
singlemaltlady


Posts: 38
Joined: 10/22/2013
Status: offline 		RedMagic1 Well, I don't know that this poster is not prepared or experienced. I only know that his OP was vague. I can only assume and relate it to other posts like the OP's - who later in the thread revealed they were working a project. I'd need more information from the OP to determine intent. As of now, what I do know, is that the writer is unclear. I do not know if that is just because of a lack of writing skill or for some other reason.

IMO, there should be a chapter on dangerous submissives, too. But, for all I know, the OP already wrote that. The question here is limited in scope to Dominants.

I don't see what you are seeing. How is the OP violating anyone here?

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 11:32:38 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AussieinDubai

Thanks for the shower of abuse. Under the laws of the U.A.E., if a woman goes to the police complaining of something that might have been done, she will be immediately charged with adultery, which is illegal here. Unless she can find four Muslim men to testify on her behalf, she will certainly be facing a jail sentence. The guide I was writing is intended specifically for Westerners living in Muslim countries, as I can't find anything online or in the book collection to cover this specific situation.


Well it ought to be a pretty fucking brief guide.

"Be very fucking careful" should covrer it, surely.

I trust you're au fait with the decency laws.. what with you writing something so provocative?


_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to AussieinDubai)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dangerous Doms? - 10/27/2013 11:38:13 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crazyml

Well it ought to be a pretty fucking brief guide.

"Be very fucking careful" should covrer it, surely.



Close what I was thinking, which was "Just don't". When something as small as a rumor can cost you your life, it may be better to err on the side of caution.


_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to crazyml)
Profile   Post #: 20
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