I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (Full Version)

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MasterCaneman -> I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 10:31:04 AM)

Okay, mods, this may or may not be a salient post because it is similar to the one where the server got stiffed for being gay, but I feel this is a legit question. First, a little backstory: I'm in an eleven year relationship with a very vanilla woman with an Alpha personality. She's a registered nurse, and has recently (past three years) bought a house. Now, about six months ago, another woman bought a home across the street from her, and my woman has started making some disconcerting comments regarding this person.

Simply put, the woman is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend whose moved in with her and what appears to be the homeowner's minor age daughter. There's also a male involved who appears to be the child's father. He is also a regular visitor there. My woman has recently started making some overtly homophobic comments about what she sees going on over there, something I didn't know about her until now, and it's beginning to concern me.

I'll be blunt in saying I'm solidly heterosexual myself, as well as a member of the R.C. Church, just to give you a quick background snap of my background. That being said, I'm a "live and let live" kind of guy, because I don't consider it my business to give a shit about what someone else does with their heart, soul, and plumbing nor who they choose to do it with. My GF, however, is starting to get very unsettled by this all, and I'm at a loss as to how to approach this in a way that she won't lash out at me. Saturday night, when I was over, I got tired of hearing her vent about them and told her so, and almost immediately was queried if I had ever done that kind of thing.

I've worked in a lot of fetish and alternative oriented bars and clubs, have worked for two openly gay gentlemen and an open lesbian. All were good people to work for who left their orientation at the door, but she all but accused me of going 'that way' for merely trying to get to her to let if go. None of these folks have so much as spoken to her since moving in, yet every day her vitriol grows at their mere presence.

It's getting to the point I feel I need to do something about it. Is it or should I just let her keep going until it blows up in her face? While part of me wants her to find out for herself what can happen if you allow your prejudices to dictate your actions, another part of me doesn't want her to get her fingers burned either. And both parts of me know that whatever happens, I'll be the one who ends up having to clean up the mess in some manner after the fact. I know no one can give me the "right" answer here, but any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.



mnottertail -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 10:38:02 AM)

Well, you can't really avoid anything.  I guess were it me, I would be clear that a live and let live and a I personally don't see what consenting folks do to get their genital nerves shortcircuted for a moment of time is of any larger world concern type of thing.

And let her vent.  And give her time to think about what you said.  It may or may not change her view (which may have been forced upon her in an unexamined life, by parents or whatnot) and not something that is beyond propaganda, but without actual introspection.

Or, its her, and she will consider your words, or won't.

When you have done what you can do, the doings will be done, whatever shape they take.



crazyml -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 10:46:11 AM)

Man, you gotta say something.

At the very least you should let her know that you find her remarks offensive.

Now, assuming she can button it where it comes to the homophobic remarks, I guess its for you to decide whether this discovery about her is going to have a lasting effect on the way you feel.

Obviously I can't answer that one for you, but if I were in your position, I'd worry that it might ultimately prove to be a show-stopper.




SylvereApLeanan -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 10:52:52 AM)

Words have consequences, from inciting violence to pushing those who are vulnerable to suicide. You have a golden opportunity here to be an ally to the LGBTQIA community. I strongly encourage you to call her out on her homophobia.

Whatever her neighbors' relationships or sexual orientations may be is simply none of her business. Make it clear to her that they are people who deserve a basic level of courtesy, which includes not verbally bashing them behind their backs, and that her homophobic statements are unacceptable. As the old saying goes, if she can't say something nice, she should keep her mouth shut. While she may never change her mind about whether or not she approves of their life choices, I encourage you to make her aware that you do not approve of her homophobic comments and that she is not welcome to make such comments around you.



tj444 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 10:54:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
Now, about six months ago, another woman bought a home across the street from her, and my woman has started making some disconcerting comments regarding this person.

Simply put, the woman is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend whose moved in with her and what appears to be the homeowner's minor age daughter. There's also a male involved who appears to be the child's father. He is also a regular visitor there. My woman has recently started making some overtly homophobic comments about what she sees going on over there, something I didn't know about her until now, and it's beginning to concern me.


where does she get the idea that this woman is a lesbian? did this woman actually state she was or is it just an assumption your gf has made? isn't it entirely possible that there is more than one bedroom in the said house across the street and each woman and kid have their own bedrooms and simply sharing a house cuz its less expensive that way? is it possible that the two women might even be related, perhaps sisters?



evesgrden -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 11:38:23 AM)

Ask her what she thinks should happen. Should they be jailed? Should it be a crime? Should they have the same rights? When she's treating a patient, if given a choice would she not treat someone who is gay?

These questions will bring it all out... anf you ned to do that. I understand your reluctance; this is a long term relationship. Your other choice is to live in denial about it, push it aside, change the subject... and let it eat away at you. It has to be addressed, and will come to the surface one way or another -- you can either decide when and how, or let it occur happenstance. But you don't want to have that discussion pop up at a family celebration, or funeral, or grocery store etc.

The sad thing is this means your relationship could be on the line over this. Any arguement can end a relationship if there's a major impasse.

I went through something similar at the beginning of a relationshp a year ago or so. It was over politics, and he said that Michelle Obama was "acting as if she were white".

Now this was a very educated, accomplished and sophisticated guy. And as soon as those word came out of his mouth I knew the writing was on the wall. In order for me to have good relationship with someone (platonic or otherwise), I have to like the way they think.

As soon as those words came out of his mouth, I realized that it wasn't going to work. Oh he apologized, corrected himself... but that was immaterial. There are always plenty of reasons to like or dislike politician and their families.... but clearly we viewed the world very differently and I simply cut my losses.

Once I don't like the way someone thinks, they become very unattractive to me.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 11:54:52 AM)

First of all, I'm sorry this is happening to you b/c you seem like a really great guy.

You have to have a further discussion about her obvious bigotry, and Evesgrdn has some great starting points in her post. Most especially since she (almost) accused you of being gay just b/c you don't want her bad mouthing the gays. Just don't be in the least surprised if you can't change her mind. This sort of bias tends to run so deep, people who have it can't even articulate why.

This sort of prejudice shows a close-mindedness and lack of compassion that would be a deal breaker for me.

Whether or not it is for you, that's your decision.



needlesandpins -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 11:56:12 AM)

i'm sorry to say that in your gf's line of work she will have been given equality and diversity training, so she should know better. that's not to say that she can't have her opinion on the subject, but she should realise that everyone has the right to choose how they live their lives. her neighbours choices have nothing to do with her, and unless she thinks the child is being abused in some way she has nothing to worry about on that score either.

for me i'd tell her that I am finding her attitude to be negative enough to be making me uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to hear what she had to say, or see any negative attitude towards the neighbours either. she may not like it, but as I said she should know better.

needles



MasterCaneman -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 12:09:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: tj444

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
Now, about six months ago, another woman bought a home across the street from her, and my woman has started making some disconcerting comments regarding this person.

Simply put, the woman is a lesbian. She has a girlfriend whose moved in with her and what appears to be the homeowner's minor age daughter. There's also a male involved who appears to be the child's father. He is also a regular visitor there. My woman has recently started making some overtly homophobic comments about what she sees going on over there, something I didn't know about her until now, and it's beginning to concern me.


where does she get the idea that this woman is a lesbian? did this woman actually state she was or is it just an assumption your gf has made? isn't it entirely possible that there is more than one bedroom in the said house across the street and each woman and kid have their own bedrooms and simply sharing a house cuz its less expensive that way? is it possible that the two women might even be related, perhaps sisters?


I have personally seen these two women openly displaying affection in ways no siblings should be doing, at least in publicly acceptable ways. They make no attempt to conceal their affection towards each other, except when the one's daughter is over. From what I've observed so far, it appears that the male in the picture has primary custody, but brings the girl over frequently. He also seems to spend quite a lot of time there, performing yardwork and general maintenance as well. Again, this is from the POV of someone who doesn't live there full time (that's a whole 'nother thread right there), but I get the sense he's accepted what the mother of his kid has chosen and is trying to make the best of it, at least for her sake.



MasterCaneman -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 12:21:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden

Ask her what she thinks should happen. Should they be jailed? Should it be a crime? Should they have the same rights? When she's treating a patient, if given a choice would she not treat someone who is gay?

These questions will bring it all out... anf you ned to do that. I understand your reluctance; this is a long term relationship. Your other choice is to live in denial about it, push it aside, change the subject... and let it eat away at you. It has to be addressed, and will come to the surface one way or another -- you can either decide when and how, or let it occur happenstance. But you don't want to have that discussion pop up at a family celebration, or funeral, or grocery store etc.

The sad thing is this means your relationship could be on the line over this. Any arguement can end a relationship if there's a major impasse.

I went through something similar at the beginning of a relationshp a year ago or so. It was over politics, and he said that Michelle Obama was "acting as if she were white".

Now this was a very educated, accomplished and sophisticated guy. And as soon as those word came out of his mouth I knew the writing was on the wall. In order for me to have good relationship with someone (platonic or otherwise), I have to like the way they think.

As soon as those words came out of his mouth, I realized that it wasn't going to work. Oh he apologized, corrected himself... but that was immaterial. There are always plenty of reasons to like or dislike politician and their families.... but clearly we viewed the world very differently and I simply cut my losses.

Once I don't like the way someone thinks, they become very unattractive to me.


Some of what my woman says violate this site's ToS, to be blunt. And in the same breath, she says she's worked with LGBT people and it doesn't bother her, yet somehow this does. Her reasoning is because she can see it from her living room window. When I tell her to just ignore it is usually when I get accused of being gay or bi myself, which pisses me off to no end. Not because I view it as an attack on my masculinity, but because I'm not marching in lockstep with her. It's part of the reason we don't live together.

She's a very dominant personality by the nature of her profession and her particular life-arc. I'm very dominant as well, and when we set our outlooks aside, we're good together. But she's used to partners who are more passive to her in the past, and it drives her nuts when I refuse to give in. This has nothing to do with kink, mind you, she doesn't play that way. It's the way we are in real-time, all the time.

And she never, ever, admits she's wrong until it jumps up and bites her on the ass. Even then, she tends to try to deflect it onto other people, another thing about her that annoys me. That said, I love and care for her deeply, and I don't want what we have to go down in flames over this. If that makes any sense.



freedomdwarf1 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 12:37:10 PM)

FR~

Let me see if I've got this right...
The woman has another female person living with her and it's not known if she is a friend, just house-sharing, or a bed partner; but it is assumed that one or both women are lesbian.
There is also an apparently underage female living there too. I don't know what is considered "a minor" where you are but here, for sexual reasons it's aged 16 and for legal reasons it's 18. She could also look younger than she actually is. As an example, on another site, there's a 31yo woman with small 32A breasts and she only looks 14!!
There is a regular visiting male who appears to be the underaged's father.

All this is supposition and guesswork.
We have no idea who the underage girl is, if she is underage or just looks underage. Or who she belongs to (one of the women or the male or from another friend) or where she fits in.
But lets take the two ends of the spectrum.
A) The woman is a lesbian (or at least bisexual) with a fuck partner.
The underage girl is indeed underage but belongs to one of the two women and not the male.
The visiting male is a boyfriend of one of the women and he visits regularly and has a whale of a time with at least two, if not all, of the females (lucky guy!!).
B) It's two female friends in a house-share, one with a daughter; and a male boyfriend.

As far as I can see, the only concern in either scenario, is if the girl is indeed underage and sexually active with anyone in the house. Beyond that, it really isn't anyone's business what they do with each other or how they live.
Your GF of 11 years seems to be the one with the problem and gobbing off.

Me, personally, I wouldn't leave anything to guesswork and chance. I'd be over there and ask the woman outright what the situation is because your GF may be spreading malicious rumours that you want to stamp on.
Obviously be polite and do it when your GF isn't at home.
If she answers the door and lets you in, giver her the brief details like you've given us and express your concerns with regard to your GF. At least if you get some answers you can better judge how to approach the overall situation.
If she won't talk to you, you'll have to deal with all the unknowns and guesswork.
Either way, the situation is going to be quite difficult with your GF and you've got 11 years invested in the relationship to consider.
If she doesn't like seeing it, tell her to put up some net curtains so it's not so obvious to her eyes.
I wouldn't leave it to fester any longer. I would want to get it out in the open and decide what to do. It's a case of put up and shut up or walk away - even after 11 years.
Nobody needs to live with this sort of toxic situation.

Sorry I can't be of any more help.
Whatever you decide to do, good luck.



sexyred1 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 12:50:46 PM)

I will never understand why people are bothered by what other people do. No one is bothering your gf so tell her to refrain from her biased comments in front of you. For her to accuse you of being gay/bi, is just childish and show insecurity.

My ex was homophobic and racist and I told him to shut the fuck up in my presence. I said he was acting like an ignorant asshole, which I what is what most haters are. Fear motivates that kind talk.r



UllrsIshtar -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 12:51:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
I'm in an eleven year relationship with a very vanilla woman with an Alpha personality. She's a registered nurse, and has recently (past three years) bought a house. Now, about six months ago, another woman bought a home across the street from her, and my woman has started making some disconcerting comments regarding this person.



How is it that after 11 years, this is the first time you're finding out she's homophobic?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
Her reasoning is because she can see it from her living room window.


http://www.homedepot.com/p/Rust-Oleum-Specialty-11-oz-Frosted-Glass-Spray-Paint-1903830/100195608#.Uop9v5ETtwQ



RedMagic1 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 12:57:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterCaneman
My GF, however, is starting to get very unsettled by this all, and I'm at a loss as to how to approach this in a way that she won't lash out at me.

Have you tried asking her, "You seem really upset by this, and it's growing. Why is that?" The "trick" here is that you really have to mean it when you ask, genuinely be solicitous and interested. If you come off patronizing or condescending in any way, it will hurt more than help.

Explore why she's so upset. Maybe even say things like, "I'm used to you being so relaxed and happy, and this is a big change. What's going on?" Maybe this is the result of something she never told you -- or anybody else -- like her being abused by a woman when she was a small child. I would assume something like that was happening, and that I was talking to a woman in a lot of pain who needed my support, until proven otherwise.

(On the other hand, maybe she's just a homophobic bitch, in which case it sucks to be you, but I think it's most useful to assume there's some legitimate concern underpinning her strange new behavior, and then to talk to her with respect and support until you find out what is really happening.)

Is she Roman Catholic? If so, you have "ammunition" at whatever point it would be useful to use it, because Pope Francis has recently said that Catholics and the Church are too focused on homosexuality. I don't have links, but it should be pretty easy to find via Google, because it made international headlines.

Best wishes.



Blonderfluff -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:06:33 PM)

MC
i may be missing something, but I'm not quite getting why your gf instantly jumps to the conclusion that because you have a more tolerant POV about the new neighbors, then that makes YOU bi or gay as well?
I think THAT would bother me, as much as her homophobic obsession with them. If she has known you, loved you, trusted you for 11 years, how can she just fling comments around like that and not expect to, at the very least, hurt you?

My guess would be that she has always probably been a very opinionated person ( *cough*. Guilty of that myself), but that up until now her opinions have either been in line with yours, or weren't overtly offensive to you.

I'm not sure there is an easy answer. I'm also guessing that you already know this. IMO it comes down to...which is more important to you...keeping peace in this relationship or making a stand about a prejudice that really bothers you.

I think either one is a valid choice. But. I think it is going to be difficult to "un-know" this about her. You have always seemed a very thoughtful , intelligent and funny person. I'm pretty confident you will handle this well, whatever you decide to do.



kalikshama -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:17:18 PM)

Pope Says Church Is "Obsessed" With Gays, Abortion and Birth Control

Six months into his papacy, Pope Francis sent shock waves through the Roman Catholic church on Thursday with the publication of his remarks that the church had grown “obsessed” with abortion, gay marriage and contraception, and that he had chosen not to talk about those issues despite recriminations from critics.

His surprising comments came in a lengthy interview in which he criticized the church for putting dogma before love, and for prioritizing moral doctrines over serving the poor and marginalized. He articulated his vision of an inclusive church, a “home for all” — which is a striking contrast with his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI, the doctrinal defender who envisioned a smaller, purer church.

Francis told the interviewer, a fellow Jesuit: “It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time. The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently.

“We have to find a new balance,” the pope continued, “otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.”

Read more: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/20/world/europe/pope-bluntly-faults-churchs-focus-on-gays-and-abortion.html?_r=0



anniezz338 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:18:30 PM)

She does have the option to move but every neighborhood has its quirks. My only pet peeve is loud music.

She seems to be intelligent and an independent woman. Being a nurse, she should have a certain amount of detachment. It's just part of the job. My sister is a nurse and she says it is a must to stay cool and do what needs to be done, regardless of what her emotions are doing.

Who knows why she is letting these neighbors have this much power over her emotions. They seem to be running your gf's emotions just by existing.



jlf1961 -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:26:16 PM)

First my daughter is lesbian, I am catholic, I accept my daughter's lifestyle and do not think she is going to hell because of it.

Now I have problem with intolerant people. Personally, I would tell her to get her head out of her ass and if she expects to be treated with respect, equality etc, she should learn to practice it.



kalikshama -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:27:16 PM)

I couldn't be in a serious relationship with someone I didn't respect...and I find her POV intolerant, ignorant, and hateful.

I was in the early stages of dating someone when I learned his attitude towards taking care of one's elderly parents was fundamentally incompatible with mine and dumped him for someone who shares my values, with whom I have a future.



MasterCaneman -> RE: I'm Learning Something About My Partner I Don't Like... (11/18/2013 1:28:36 PM)

In reply to freedomdwarf: I've seen the two ladies outside, embracing in the way lovers do. Not overtly sexual, but in that familiar way partners do all the time. The minor child isn't at issue here-apparently my GF learned of the familial connections from another neighbor who tend to be more outgoing than she is. I'm not casting any allusions to improprieties regarding the kid-in anything, all three of them seem to be very mature regarding what she sees, at least on the surface. And I do appreciate your understanding regarding the emotional investment in an eleven-year relationship. Thank you.

To UllrsIshtar: This is something that's only recently become an issue. While she's been upfront about what she considers acceptable behavior in her world, I've never seen or heard such hatred coming from her before on anything like this before, thus my quandary here. And I've offered to pay for window blinds/curtains out of my own pocket just to end this conundrum, but that only sets her off worse. "Why should I have to hide myself when they're the problem?" is her stock response to that.

And I like the spray idea, but she'd literally blow a gasket if I did that. As I like to tell my people here, "She didn't buy a house, she had it, and is still experiencing birthing pains." Seriously, she's become insufferable ever since she took possession of that place, and more than once it's become the focal point of an argument between us.

Sexyred, her reaction to me telling her to cool it off is the reason I'm posting this here. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

RedMagic1: I did ask her why it bothered her so much, and the most cogent answer I got was "Because it does, that's why! I paid a lot for this house, and I shouldn't have to put up with this!". For the record, she's also got a case of the ass for a lady up the street whose dog barks a lot when its outside and the neighbor in back whose kid occasionally cuts through the yard to get to his friend's house.

One time, she asked me seriously if there was a boobytrap I could put in to stop that from happening. I had to point out to her it was a state and federal offense to install an 'infernal engine' on her property, which didn't make her happy at all. And to all of the above who asked me if I would go over and speak to the ladies in question, I'd be dealing with a near-psychotic break on my GF's part. I asked her if she'd consider going over and getting the scoop on them herself, maybe getting to know them better and perhaps it would calm her down. She. Blew. Up. It was a phone conversation and she screamed at me so loud my speaker was feeding back like Hendrix at Monterrey (and that's not exaggeration, folks).

Continuing my reply to RedMagic, we're both non-practicing Catholics. I try to adhere to what I was taught, except for the going to church on Sunday part of it. And she's rarely relaxed or happy, there's always something that rubs her the wrong way, be it something I did or didn't do, the dog up the street, her employment search, the ones across the street or behind her. I swear, the woman isn't happy unless she's unhappy. When she is, the world's a sunny, happy place. When she isn't, the clouds roll in and lightning and thunder are the order of the day.

I can't use anything from the Church as ammunition. I won't. I don't know if I'm looking for it here, just some insight into how I can keep this from blowing up in her damn face, because I know I'm the one whose gonna be doing fixit duty, whether I like it or not. I've gotten some good, usable advice already, but I'm not sure how to present it to her.



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